Keep Your Head Up

I was impatient. The days went by and I saw myself growing more anxious. Every morning John would come to my house and stay until he remembered of something for us to do, or something his mom asked him to get done while she was at work.

We went several times to the public pool and we were even planning to go to a party that one of his ex classmates was throwing during a weekend.

Summer was speeding up and almost over, I was collecting thoughts on how much I desired John. I couldn’t see myself telling him the words, or writing it to him, that’d be unimaginable. I wanted it to happen normally, unplanned.

I tried to focus on something else.

John didn’t come over the day before the house party, he told me he was going downtown to hang out with Kennedy. I managed to get Lisa to come over at my house and bring her disposable camera, so we could do something different for a change, rather than watching cat videos on YouTube.

When she arrived, I was lying on my bedroom floor facing the ceiling and counting the flies. My entire body was numb and bored and hoping unrealistic fun would be on the way. I manifested some strength to get up and open the front door for Lisa, but she was way ahead of me and when I was leaving my room she came unannounced from, what I guessed, the back door.

“You should lock that one.” She advised.

I rolled my eyes and she grinned at me, making me step away from her.

“What are we going to take pictures of?” She asked waving the photographic device on her hands.

“How about sadness and self doubt?”

“Alright, give me your best look!” The camera was pointing at me, I looked straight at it as I heard it’s click and proceeded to look away.

“Are you like this because I told you I had sex with Kennedy and you’re jealous because you wanted to be my first?”

I snorted out a laugh and reached her with my arm to give her some slaps, she giggled and slapped back.

“Bree,” she started with this very tone of knowledge and worry “you can’t be sad over that, it’s pathetic, things will happen in time and you just have to let it happen. John will notice and will ask you what’s wrong and then you’re going to freak out.”

She knew me, she knew exactly what would happen and she also knew that this was unconventionally lame. I should stop questioning myself on these things. They would eventually happen and I’d be satisfied with it.

“I know, I’m trying to think of actual things and not on this,” I got up from the floor and took her camera “and now let’s take pictures of my mother’s plants.”

When me and Lisa were little we used to get together during the summer and play games. When the temperatures were too hot we’d have to play on each other’s garages where the air was cool and nice. Sometimes we’d be barefoot in the garage and our moms used to get upset because we’d get a cold. Other times we would camp on the lawn and pretend we were in the woods and our dads growled outside making it look like they were bears.

I miss those times. Everything didn’t seem like a challenge but more of an adventure. Now we’re getting older and things aren’t as enjoyable as before.

I made myself get out of bed in the middle of the night to get a bottle of water. I heard Mikey snoring from his bedroom and mom sighing in her sleep, I tried not to make many sounds so I wouldn’t wake them up.

When I came back I plopped myself down on the bean bag in my room. The cold water running down my throat, cooling myself, and making me want to shower in ice.

I had a text message. It was from John.

I can’t sleep.

I fastly replied.

Me neither.

I jumped into my bed, and sat there in a meditational position, facing my window and facing John’s. A few seconds later there he was. Scrubby and tired looking, he waved at me, as he proceeded to type on his Android phone. Mine started buzzing.

I can’t wait for the party tomorrow. Everyone will envy me because of my girlfriend.

I smiled at him and started typing a response.

haha of course they will, I love you, try to sleep !! xo

He smiled and waved at me as I leaned on the pillows and dropped my phone on the side table. He mouthed “I love you too” and disappeared in the wilderness of his bedroom.

Suddenly it was morning. The morning haziness settled in. My body was on the edge of my bed, nearly falling down, I rolled to the opposite side and collided into something. My immediate reaction was to get up on the top of the bed, making what was next to me to wake up.

“John, WHAT THE HELL?” I shouted.

“Bree, calm down, I’m sorry” He waved his hands in the air up and down.

“What are you even doing in my bed? How did you got in? Did you climb?” I asked him under my heavy breathing.

“No, no Mikey let me in.”

“When? What time is it?”

“Earlier today, before he left with your mum, and it’s uh-“ He takes a look on his wrist watch “11 am”
“Okay then” I said calmly laying back in bed “You scared me O’Callaghan”

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to wake you up to go to the pool or something but you looked so peaceful sleeping I just couldn’t resist nap with you.”

He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek.

“Do you wanna have lunch here?” I asked him.

“Sure”

We ate and we danced in the kitchen at the sound of british bands I have never listened before.
John had this way of making me feel both hyperactive and really quiet. He made me wonder my whole existence and also made me not question it at all.

The day went by until we started getting ready for the house party. I felt rather anxious. It took me a while to pick out an outfit, specially doing it with John wandering around my house. He was in the living room with and Shane playing some war videogame.

I finally came down, wearing a black skirt and a white blank top and my old converse shoes.

“Let’s go.” I said, making John turn to his left and stop laughing at our brothers.

“Oh wow” He gasped. It felt like prom night again.

“What?”

“You have really nice legs Bree” He confessed, crossing his arms and scanning me.

“Haha thanks loverboy, let’s go.”

We drove to the house for about ten minutes and once we got there I jumped out of the car, my hands were sweaty, I was going to meet some friends of John and I really wanted to make a good impression, and also my heart was pumping to the thought of me and John get more involved during the party, that made me slightly happy but anxious still.

We walked inside, John guiding me slowly, once we got in I felt that teenage haze and loud music and a mix of beer vibrating all over the room.

John said ‘hellos’ and ‘heys’ to people I’ve never seen before and I just smiled making them do the same.

This slightly tanned boy wearing nerdy glasses ran to John with open arms and screaming John’s name at the top of his lungs. John let go of my hand and jumped towards him, they both hugged really tight.

“It’s been a while John Ohh” He emphasized the ‘o’.

“Yes G Nicks, since my early graduation, right?”

“Thank God you, could make it tonight.” He paused and looked over John’s shoulder to face me “And who’s this beautiful person?”

“That’s my girlfriend, Breana”

Girlfriend I repeated in my head. It sounded so nice.

“Hi!” I said, waving my hand in the air.

“WASSUP? I’m Garrett.” He hugged me right there, I’d say he was drunk, but somehow it looked like that was just the way he is.

“Breana, let me tell you, John here” He grabs John’s torso and pushes him next to him “He’s the best friend I’ve ever had, when you have a big problem he’ll fix it, if you’re hurt, he’ll make you feel better, if you cry he’ll make you laugh, if you die, he’ll resurrect you!”

Me and John laughed in unison. Afterwards John just hugs Garrett, pushing me into a group hug as well.

I met a lot of great people who were really enthusiastic about John. It seemed somehow that John was really popular just for his kindness. Everyone spoke good things about him, it made me feel really proud of him.

Everyone started to slow dance to some old song, John pulled me into his arms, making me put down my drink and grab his feverish body.

“Dance me” I whispered.

“I think the beer hit you in the grammar” He said to me.

“No. Dance me”

He smiled.

We started moving our bodies really slowly. I started kissing his neck, he bend back, I felt a shiver.

“Let’s go upstairs” He whispered to my ear, making me shiver this time.