Listen to Your Heart

I fell into the car, my mind still racing. I felt John's hand latch onto mine as he started the truck. I hadn't even noticed I was crying until John asked if I was okay.

Was I okay? No. Had I listened to my mom and not lied to her my dad would have been at home. He wouldn't have been in an accident. This was God punishing me for lying to my parents. For having an affair with my teacher. My mind was racing with thoughts about how it was all my fault, but as I felt John squeeze my hand I looked up, he was watching me from his peripheral vision. He was worried about me. He cared about me. I loved him. As much as I wanted to blame this on myself I knew I couldn’t. Blaming it on myself didn’t fix things, and as much as I could say me being there would have changed things I had no proof to say so. What is he was running to the store to get ingredients for moms cupcakes? Did that make it her fault? Of course not.

I didn’t say much for most of the journey, and John let me fiddle with the radio, flicking from channel to channel unable to find anything to listen to, without complaining. The hospital wasn’t far, but it was far enough that I had time to think of all the possible scenarios I could be walking into. My mother hadn’t said much on the phone and I had no idea what had actually happened; did he have a bump on the head, or was he lying somewhere in critical condition?

When we reached the hospital, John had barely stopped the truck when I jumped out of the cab. I could hear him calling after me. I ignored him though and darted for the hospital lobby. I was about to pull out my phone when I spotted Kennedy at the counter getting coffee. He looked stressed, his hair was a mess and his shoulders were slumped. I felt my stomach drop.

“Maria!” John huffed as he came up beside me. Kenny clearly heard because his head snapped round and he pushed off from the bench making his way over to me. He didn’t hesitate when he reached me, he pulled me straight into a bone crushing hug.

“How is he?” I croaked. I was so terrified that something had happened since mom had phoned.

“He’s fine Maria. Mom overreacted in calling you like that. He’s broken his ankle that’s it. He just had a nasty bump. They’re taking him for scans to see he didn’t hurt his head too bad, but he’s fine.” My shoulders slumped forward as I felt the huge weight lift off my shoulders.

“What even happened?” I asked.

“He wanted to go for a walk, him and mom had an argument and he wasn’t looking where he was going. He walked out behind a reversing car, barely bumped him, he just landed awkwardly and twisted his ankle and hit his head.” Kennedy sighed.

“So he’ll be fine?” I’d been so worried he was dying or something. Mom hadn’t told me much on the phone and from how she’d been talking it sounded a lot worse than it actually was. If my mom had told me he’d just broken his ankle I probably would have gone home to wait. I hated the smell of hospitals, they smelled of metal and alcohol gel. There was nothing warm about them at all. They reminded me of things I wanted to forget.

“Do you want to go and see him?” John asked, his hand resting in the small of my back. I inched away, careful not to draw attention to it. I knew Kennedy probably wouldn’t think anything of it but I didn’t want to risk it. I knew small things could sometimes add up.

“I may as well now I’m here.” I said, motioning for him to lead the way to where dad was.

When we got to dads room mom was waiting outside crying. I couldn’t help but role my eyes at her; she liked to overreact. “Mommy, are you okay?” I asked, pulling her into a hug, because even if she was overreacting she still looked like she needed a hug.

“Oh I’m fine, just a little emotional!” she laughed softly. “He’s gone for some scans, so he’ll be gone for a while. They think they want to keep him in overnight so if you want to go home you can.” she offered.

“I can take you if Kennedy wants to stay.” John spoke.

“That would be brilliant mate. If you don’t mind Maria? Mom and I are going to stay the night.”

“That’s fine. You don’t mind do you John?” I turned to him, trying desperately to hide the smirk that was playing on my face.

“Of course not.” he breathed, avoiding my eye contact.

“Well, see you in the morning then.” With that we said our goodbyes. I told them to tell dad I loved him and that I’d see him in the morning.

I followed John back out to the truck. It was dark outside and it was getting late. I looked down at my watch and it was nearly eleven. I climbed up into the cab before saying anything to him. “You know John, you can’t do that when we’re out in public.”

“Do what?” the engine roared to life as we pulled out of the parking space.

“Touch me like that.” as much as I wanted him to always be touching me I knew he couldn’t.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t even think about it until you pulled away.” I couldn’t help but blush. Something about that was so adorable. He touched me without even realising, almost like it was his second nature to do so, but as cute as it was it would get us caught. He needed to be more careful. I didn’t want him to lose his job but more importantly I didn’t want him to go to prison. I didn’t want anyone to know. What we had was between us, and it needed to stay that way, at least until school finished next fall. “I’ll be more careful from now on.” he promised, linking his hand with mine.

When we arrived back at my house I finally unlinked my hand from his. “Do you want to stay the night?” I offered, looking up at him.

“Please do not look at me like that. It makes saying no so much harder.” He groaned in frustration. “We need to be careful, but not only that we need to slow down. I don’t want us to rush things. I want this to work this time. I don’t want you to feel pressured either.”

“John, you know I’m not a virgin right?” I offered, hoping it would make him reconsider if he didn’t think he’d be taking my virtue. John was odd like that.

“You’re not?” he stuttered. It wasn’t exactly something I flaunted, but it wasn’t something I hid either. It just never came up in conversation, and why would it? I mean until now there was no reason for it to come up in conversation.

“No. I haven’t been for a while, well when I say a while I mean a few months.” I rambled.

“Who?” he asked without looking at me, which only made me nervous.

“You’re not going to judge me are you, because I know you aren’t exactly a white knight…”

“I’m not judging you.” he replied, but I wasn’t sure he was being truthful.

I relented though, there was no point keeping it from him, it did nothing good for the relationship we were trying to build. Keeping things like this from him would only create doubt and that was something I didn’t want this time. “His name was Daniel, I met him while I was in England. I liked him and well we got drunk and one thing led to another. I wish I could tell you I regretted it, but I really don’t. I knew no matter what Daniel couldn’t hurt me because I wasn’t going to give him the power too, and he’s my friend. I don’t regret it because he’ll never be able to hurt me so much that I’d regret it.” I shrugged. Daniel and I still talked occasionally. He had a girlfriend now, and she seemed nice enough.

“So you didn’t love him or anything?” John clarified.

“No. I just trusted him.” I wanted to ask if it really mattered if I had loved him, but judging by the look on John’s face I could tell now wasn’t the time to talk about it. “I’ll see you tomorrow John. Thank you so much for the wonderful evening.” I leant over, placing a small peck on his cheek before clambering out of the truck as gracefully as I could.

“I’m sorry.” he offered with a small smile. “I’ll see you tomorrow, now go get some sleep.” he waited till I was in the house before he drove off which I thought was cute. I wasted no time in running upstairs and turning my laptop on to tell Cat about my day. I was so excited to tell her all about it, and I couldn’t wait for her to visit so she could finally meet him. It was all going to be so perfect.