Listen to Your Heart

When I woke the next morning there was a loud pounding in my head. I rolled over to look at the alarm clock but my vision was still blurry. The pounding in my head was getting louder and it took me a moment to realise that the pounding was not only in my head but also on the door. Groggily, I made my way over to the door, unlocking it and yanking it open to reveal my brother and his friends; frantic looks on each of their faces.

“What the hell are you playing at?” Kennedy screeched as he pulled me into his arms. I felt my stomach churn and attempted to quickly pull away but Kennedys grip was too tight.

“Kenny, let her go.” John snapped. I looked up and spotted him stood in the corner. I’d never seen him look so angry and I had no idea why.

“What’s going on?” I asked blearily.

“I thought you’d tried to…” Kennedy trailed off, but it was obvious what he had meant, and everyone knew it.

“Thanks, because that is just what I wanted everyone to know Kenny.” I growled, storming out the room. I’d told him that in confidence and he pretty much just blurted out to the room that he thought I was suicidal.

How could he do that to me? I’d told him that in confidence, and he had no problem blurting it out to a room full of people. I felt someone grab my arm as I stamped down the stairs.

“Maria, please, he’s just worried about you!” All the anger that he’d seemed to have towards me before was gone.

“John, he pretty much just told everyone I was planning on killing myself!” I screamed.

“You scared us both shitless!” he defended.

“How?!”

He was looking at me as if I had grown two heads, “You ran off crying and then no one saw you for hours.” Without any warning he pulled me into a hug.

“John, please let me go.” I croaked, barely above a whisper. I needed him to let me go, not just in the physical sense. I waited for him to release his grip on me but he didn’t, “John, you need to let me go.” I felt my voice shake as I held back the tears. Everything about this past week had thrown me. When I’d been away I was so sure of everything. John and I were over. I was better. I was happy. Then when I came back everything had changed and it threw me off balance. I needed somewhere to land, and John was the only person offering me somewhere safe. But nothing with John was safe, he was my teacher and my brothers best friend, and the man who broke my heart. Nothing about John was safe, and as much as I wanted to fall back into his arms, I needed to remember that.

“I don’t want to. I don’t want to ever let you go.” he whispered in my ear. This time I pulled away, giving him no option but to let go of me.

“Please, just leave me alone. What part of I don’t want to be with you any more do you not understand?” I laughed through my tears.

“The part where I know that’s not true.” he may be right, but he had to know that it didn’t matter. He had a legal obligation now, as well as the fact if Kennedy found out he’d kill him.

“You really think that much of yourself? Can you not face the fact that I really don’t want to be with you? I went away for three months to get away from you!” I spat. I was trying to keep my tone hushed as not to draw attention from the others who were still upstairs, but I noticed something move out of the corner of my eye and when I looked I saw Fran stood at the top of the stairs, looking at us disapprovingly.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” she asked.

“Not right now.” I replied before storming off; leaving John to answer all the questions. I slipped on my vans from the day before. I was still wearing my dress, but I had taken my shoes off before getting into bed.

I began to make my way back home, I could hear John trying to follow me but Fran stopped him, shouting at him to give me time. I was thankful for her, but I knew I’d have to explain everything to her eventually. She wasn’t going to accept anything less than the complete truth.

When I finally arrived home there was no one there. My parents were both at work. I’d resented how much they worked when I was younger but now I was thankful, it gave me time to myself and it meant they didn’t nag me as much. I stripped out of my dress, not bothering to shower before climbing back into bed. I turned on ‘The Avengers’ before slipping into a dreamless sleep.

I woke a few hours later when I felt someone take a seat at the foot of my bed. I opened my eyes to see Francesca. She smiled at me kindly and motioned for me to move over and make room for her. I did and she climbed under the duvet with me.

“I brought Ben and Jerry’s.” she waved the tub of cookie dough in front of me before handing me a spoon. “You wanna press play?” she motioned to my laptop that was on the options screen for ‘The Avengers’. I pressed play silently. I still hadn’t said anything; I wasn’t really sure what I was supposed to say, “Lets watch the film, then we’ll talk about what I overheard.” I nodded, snuggling into her. It had been too long since we had done something like this. I’d missed it. I just wish we didn’t have this huge thing hanging over our heads. I was so scared about what she would say. I was scared she’d be angry that I hadn’t told her about it when it happened.

We sat watching the film; there was something about Marvel films that I just loved. I’d never really read the comics but I loved the films. Soon enough the film was over and Fran was closing the laptop. I felt my stomach drop as she turned to look at me.

“I’d give you a spiel about how you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to but we’d both know that was bullshit. So, explain.”

I shuffled nervously in my seat before beginning my story. It took me a while to find the words to tell her what I needed to. I explained how it started, how we continued to see each other but nothing was ever official, and then it came to the part I’d never told anyone, not even Kennedy.

“We’d been seeing each other for a while when it happened. We were all at some party, John had disappeared and I went to search for him. When I found him he was in bed with some girl. We argued, he told me that I was over reacting and that we weren’t official so he had no obligation to me. He made it seem like my fault, like I’d put too much pressure on him.” I sobbed. Thinking about it still hurt. “He knew what I was going through, he was the only one who did, and he made it seem like it was all my fault, like I was a burden to him. He’d spent months being the only reason I was still alive, and in seconds he ripped that all away from me, suddenly he was the reason I wanted to be dead. About a year later Luke came along, he took the pain away for a while, but John never even apologised. Never tried to explain himself further than ‘it’s none of your business.’” The tears were now streaming down my face, and I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. I didn’t want her to see me so weak. She only knew me as her strong best friend; she’d never seen me cry. I’d always been the one who was strong for her. I’d never felt so exposed.

“I…I don’t really know what to say. What he did to you…I mean I knew you and John had problems, I knew you hated him but I never had any idea. I…I just can’t believe he did that to you…Does Kennedy know? Does anyone know?” she asked…she was barely managing to form sentences. I’d never seen her so shocked by anything.

“No. I mean Kennedy knew something was going on between us, I’m not sure he knew exactly what, but he definitely didn’t know about what John did to me. No one else had any idea, I didn’t want anyone to know. I liked the secrecy. I liked it being just us, it felt so special…I was so naïve.” I chuckled. It was so painstakingly obvious how young I was back then; to be so silly. I thought we were in love. I thought I had meant something to him. Even now; with him trying to get me back, I know it’s only because John wants something forbidden…he always liked the risk.

“No, this is on him not you. You trusted him and he betrayed that. He was pathetic, and he needs to face up to what he did!” she exclaimed. I could see her getting madder and madder at him.

I sighed, I knew she was just being a good best friend but her going off at him was going to get us nowhere, “You need to leave him alone. He’s tried to apologise. I just haven’t accepted. Please don’t make something out of this. I’ve spent the past two years trying to get over this and people just keep dragging it back up. I just want the dust to settle. To get this year out the way and never have to see him again.” That was a lie. I wanted to see him for the rest of my life, but I knew that wasn’t possible, and even if it was, it definitely wasn’t what was best for me or him for that matter.

“I’ll leave it…for now. Just know I hate him. You deserve better. You sure do have a way of picking them don’t you?” she laughed. She wasn’t happy though, it sounded almost as if she wanted to cry. I leant over and pulled her into a hug. “Does Clare know any of this?” she asked after she had calmed down.

“No. Please don’t tell her either. She doesn’t need to know.” Protecting Clare had always been one of my main priorities. She was a year younger than us, and although she hung out with an older crowd she still acted her age. To me she was just a baby. I needed to look out for her, not the other way around.

“I won’t say anything, though you know she’ll find out eventually right?” I sighed, of course I knew she was right but I wanted to put it off for as long as possible, “What are you going to do about John?” she asked eventually when I didn’t say anything else.

“What do you mean?” what was there to do about him?

“Well, you have to see him every day, what are you going to do about it? I mean you can’t just ignore him…”

“I know that, I don’t plan on it. I’ve been dealing with him for pretty much eighteen years. I think one more year won’t do me any harm.” I was grouchy and close to snapping at her. I knew telling her was a bad idea. She was going to start trying to protect me and it was going to make things worse not better, “I’m tired. I think I’m going to go back to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow?” I suggested before I actually snapped at her and caused a real argument.

“Yeah I’ll see you in the morning.” she smiled as she climbed off my bed, making her way to my door. She stopped just before she exited, turning to me, “You know, you can always talk to me about this stuff, I won’t judge you.” I knew she meant it, but somehow it didn’t make me feel better, so I just nodded and smiled. She closed the door behind her and I drifted back to sleep. I didn’t care that it meant that I would wake at a stupidly early time, I just wanted to forget about everything for a little while, and it worked. For a little while.