The Girl Who Cried Rape

I am exhausted.

I am so fucking exhausted, I lay on the roof of my house with my heart in my throat and feel for a moment the extent of my tiredness. It seems uncomprehendingly cruel that after everything that was taken from me sleep is being stolen as well, but it is and I am so tired.

I want to sleep for a thousand years or until my heart isn’t black but I know I can’t, I have to lay here and pretend I am okay because Eric is with me and if he believes for a second Im not okay he’s going to try to talk about it again and that’s the last thing I want to do. I just want to forget, can’t he understand that?

Of course he can’t Hayley I think with bitter resentment biting at my heart, he will never understand and all of a sudden I feel lonely, lonelier than I have felt in a long time since Eric kissed me and that makes my sadness only worse. It’s a vicious cycle one I am forever stuck in and I want to get out so badly I want to reach over and kiss Eric but I know I can’t, I’m not that kind of girl and if I kiss him he might think I mean something more than I do.

I don’t want to mean anything to Eric, I want him to walk away and leave me alone but I know he won’t, I know he will stay with me until I tell him to leave. I know he will stay with me until I push him away and I want to, god I want to push him away but I also want to hold his closer than I have ever held anyone in my life and that terrifies me, absolutely terrifies me.

It hurts to breathe and I want nothing more than to hold my breath until I pass out but then Eric will know something is wrong and he will realise that I am not just watching the stars, he will understand that I can’t breathe and that I am dying.

I am exhausted from not sleeping and from the anger I feel burn in my veins at the thought of what happened to me, I am angry at Eric for not understanding and I am angry at myself because I can’t just get over it, god I want to get over it. I reach up and brush away a stray tear pretending it is the cold air that brings the moisture to my eyes but I think we both know better we are just too tired to say anything.

At least I am, too tired that is. I am so fucking tired and I want nothing more than to sleep, really sleep like I haven’t done in a year since I was bruised and broken by a group of boys my boyfriend calls his friends. But then again he isn’t really my boyfriend, is he? We never put a label on what we are we just make out in his bed until I cry and lay on my roof watching the stars in silence, I’m not sure I want to be Eric’s girlfriend it seems a huge commitment and I am terrified I don’t know how to love anymore.

I am so empty and angry, I am exhausted from the anger and want nothing more than to let it all go but I can’t and I realise with a pang in my heart I will never let it go. I can’t breathe again, I don’t want to be angry anymore I just want to sleep.