C'est la Mort

His songs were on repeat. All she could do was sit and listen to his words over and over again. The first song was Like We Used To. While that song was playing, she could feel the tears in her eyes. Next was Ever Enough. During that song, the tears began to fall. It wasn't until Another Set of Wings played that she began to bawl her eyes out. The song was written before his death, but it worked perfectly in this situation.

He had written the song two years prior, when Caris had gotten in a car accident, but she ended up being okay. The song didn't make it to an album until way later, because even though Caris was fine, the song still held a lot of meaning to Nick. But now, it held so much more meaning to her.

For the rest of the day, she had the song of repeat. She spent the day in bed, sobbing to herself while it played. Caris didn't even realize she fell asleep until, until she woke up to the sound of her radio being stopped.

Slowly, she sat up and rubbed her eyes, frowning at the sight of John walking around her room. He was picking up articles of clothes thrown around, most of which belonged to Nick.

His death was just over a month ago and Caris hadn't even left the apartment, all but maybe twice. She stayed in bed, thinking of Nick and only of Nick.

She silently asked John how he got in. Her voice was barely audible due to the fact that it was very raspy, since she hadn't used it in forever. "Uh, Nick gave Halvo a key forever ago and he lost it like eight months ago, but he just found it. I had to come check on you, Car." He sighed loudly. "You didn't come to the funeral. You know Nick would've wanted you there. You should've come."

Instead of replying, Caris just shrugged. She curled up further in bed, holding Nick's sweater to her face. A frown settled on John's face as he sat down next to her on her bed. Rolling her eyes, Caris turned her body away from John's.

"What can I do, Car? I just want to help you."

Sniffling, Caris shook her head. "Unless you can bring Nick back to me, there's nothing you can do, John."

"Caris, you can't sit here and cry for the rest of your life. You know he wouldn't have wanted that for you. He would want you to live happily and move on with yourself."

Caris grew aggravated at John's words. Who the hell did John think he was? Thinking that he knew what Nick would or wouldn't have wanted. Compared to Caris, John didn't know a damn thing about Nick. John didn't know Nick like she did.

"Don't you dare tell me what he did or didn't want, John. Don't tell me that Nick would've wanted me at his funeral. Don't tell me how Nick would want me to react. He's been dead a month, John. I was with him for five years and I knew him for even longer, so excuse me for trying to mourn his death. We aren't all like you. We can't just fuck the next thing and move on like you can. He was the love of my fucking life, what part of that don't you get?"

He knew that she was upset, so he didn't take her words to heart. But John did know Nick. He knew him a lot better than Caris seemed to believe. "No, Caris. He was the love of his life for you. You were the love of his life, but he was not the love of your life. Yes, you'll love Nick for forever, but you will find someone new. It was Nick's time to go. You loved him, of course you did, but you're still so young. You can't j-just... you can't just never date again. You loved him for his life, not for your own life."

"He died a month ago, John. My damn apologies for not finding a new boyfriend in a month."

"You know that's not what I meant."

Caris didn't reply. She just stayed silent in bed, not knowing what to say. Even though John upset her and she said she wanted to be alone, that was honestly the last thing she wanted right then. Something inside of John told him that. He slipped his shoes off, then slid into the bed next to Caris. His arms snaked around her, pulling her body into his. She began to cry silently again, her face buried into John's chest.

While laying with her, John could remember a conversation he had had with Nick shortly after Caris recovered from her car accident. She had been hanging out with Tessa, having a girl's night, so Nick went to Tim's with the boys.

John was there, of course, and he was thoroughly drunk, along with everyone else. It didn't take long for Nick to get there as well. The conversation had started with them talking about how Caris was doing, then it drifted to what Nick would do if he ever lost Caris, then it went to what would happen if something were to happen to Nick.

Nick took a swig of his beer, frowning. "Hey man, can I ask you something?" John nodded, taking a puff of a cigarette. "If something ever does happen to me, can you promise to look after Car for me? I know she's not going to be easy at first, but can you? I just need to know she'd be okay."

"Yeah man, of course," John replied.

He sighed again, taking a glance at John. "I know you're in love with Caris. I know you'd be good to her. I want you to be with her if something happens to me."

The words shocked John. He couldn't believe what his best friend was telling him. But instead of denying the words, he just nodded. "Yeah, but it's not like anything will happen to you, man."

They joked it off, thinking nothing else of the conversation.

John thought back to that conversation at least three times a day for the past month. He hated that it came true, that Nick was gone. That was the last thing he ever wanted, despite the fact that he did feel so strongly for Caris. Never in his life did he want that to happen. It pained him to see Caris so torn up, which of course was to be suspected.

About ten minutes later, Caris' breathing evened out. She was asleep again, curled against John's body. She was broken and all John knew, was the he wanted to fix her.

She sat on the cushioned bed on her side with John next to her, holding her hand as the needle prodded in and out of her skin. She winced every once in awhile, but soon it was a comforting pain.

Tommy, her tattoo artist, was concentrating, but brought up an occasional conversation. "How ya' feeling lately, honey?" he asked. The last time Tommy had seen Caris, she had gone with Nick to get tattoos together. In the middle of their backs, they each got a line tattooed. Nick got "c'est la vie" on his back, while she got "c'est la mort" on her back. Tommy had heard about Nick's death, so he tried to tip toe around the topic.

Caris shrugged. "I've been better."

"What's the meaning behind this one?" he asked, stopping for a second to put more ink on the needle.

John gave her hand a light squeeze. "One of Nick's songs has this lyric in it. I thought it would be fitting, to get the tattoo for him."

The line was from Another Set of Wings. The words she was getting tattooed, was "I need my angel, like heaven needs another set of wings" with a set of angel wings next to it. Inside the wings, Nick's date of death was written in there, along with his initials.

"You always hated getting dates and names for tattoos," he murmured, "but this one is very understandable."

Caris nodded, her eyes meeting John's.

It had been another three weeks since she was bombarded by John in her apartment, making it almost two months since Nick's death. Caris thought that by now, it would've gotten easier, but it didn't. It was still terrifying for her and she was still so broken.

Tommy glanced up, his eyes meeting John, who was smiling down at Caris. He could see it... the love John had for the girl under his needle. It was so obvious, he thought. It was obvious that John was trying to protect her, trying to help her. He loved her, Tommy could plainly see that.

Clearing his throat, Tommy got Caris' attention. "I know you're uh, probably hurting a lot, Caris, and I know I didn't know Nick as well as you... hell, our relationship was only me doing most of his tattoos, but I think he'd want you to move on... to be happy. Maybe not right away, but in time, ya know." Caris didn't respond. She glanced up at John, who was staring at Tommy. "And when I... when I lost my Delilah, I swear I could still feel her. I could feel her in her arms and sitting next to me. I could feel her breath on my neck... I just knew she was with me. But then I met Lora, and I could just feel Delilah pushing me towards her. I knew Delilah would want me to move on... to be happy. I thought Delilah was the only girl for me, the love of my whole life, but I was wrong. I was meant to love her for her life and only part of mine. I have Lora now and I love her so much." Tommy sighed softly. "I guess what I'm trying to say is, don't shut out the idea of love because Nick's gone, okay? You might find see someone that's been there all along."

Caris thanked him quietly, her eyes still on John, who was looking down at her now. He offered her the softest of smiles, then looked at their hands intertwined. She squeezed his hand, then released it to fix her hair that was falling.

It only took about another hour and a half for Tommy to finish the tattoo. Caris paid him when he was done and she left with John. He looped his hand with hers, pulling her down the strip center to where he parked his car.

"Thanks for coming with me," she told him as he opened up the car door for her. She slid in, John shutting the door behind her.

The last three weeks, John had spent about 19 of the 21 days with her. All he wanted to do was make sure she was okay, so he barely left her alone, only doing so if he absolutely had to. John cooked for her, cleaned for her, he even helped her bathe herself on days where it was all just too much.

The previous week was the best John had seen from her. He'd seen her cry five of the seven days, which was an improvement from the previous weeks where she cried all day every day. It was almost impossible to get her out of bed those weeks, but this past week was easier, which he was very happy for.

As he drove, John kept glancing at her. "Joel, Kennedy, and Eric should be over right after we get to your apartment."

Nodding, she just continued to look out the window. A week prior, Caris decided to move down to Tempe from her place with Nick in Braintree. Even though there were tons of memory in Tempe, there were way more in Braintree. She grew up with Nick there, that was where their first every was. Their first date, their first kiss, the first time they said I love you, the first time they slept together... it was all in Braintree. The lease on their apartment was up in just about a month, so she figured she'd move down to their apartment they had in Tempe, since they had just renewed their lease on that one not too long ago. It was easier for her.

Joel, Kennedy, and Eric volunteered to fly up to Tempe, then drive a U-HAUL back down to Tempe with all her and Nick's stuff. It was a long drive, but it was worth it to them, to help Caris.

Only about an hour after John and Caris got back to her apartment, that was when the boys showed up. They carried in box after box to fill the apartment. Nick and Caris hadn't had time to buy all the necessities yet, despite the fact that they had the place for so long, so this was somewhat good for her.

Joel walked into the apartment, carrying the guitar that Caris had gotten Nick for their two year anniversary. Every song he'd ever written about her since he got the guitar, was written on that.

"I uh... I didn't know if you wanted this in here...," he said softly.

She nodded slowly, telling him to put in the corner. After Joel set it down, he walked over to Caris. He placed his hands on her cheeks while her hands fell to his hips. It was obvious that it was something she needed at that moment... the comfort Joel provided her was familiar.

Before Caris was with Nick, she had been with Joel for quite some time. The love they once shared was something Caris always found comfort in. Joel was familiar, every part of him was familiar to her. With the main source of familiarity gone, Joel was the second best thing that could be offered to her at the moment.

Slowly, Joel kissed her forehead. "You're one of the strongest people I know, Caris," he whispered to her. "I'm so proud of you, pretty girl, I hope you know that."

She sniffled, her head bowing almost. "I don't know what I would do without you guys," she replied.

Joel's hands forced her face up again. "I'm always here for you, pretty girl, I hope you know that."

Nodding, Caris took a step forward, her body falling into Joel's as tears fell again.

Across the room, John stood with Eric and Kennedy. His jealousy was radiating off of him, that much was obvious to the other two.

"Dude, you know they used to date," Kennedy said, nudging John. "He's familiar to her, she needs that right now."

"And we know that Joel still gets off to that picture of her," John muttered bitterly.

About two years prior, when John was writing Exaltation, Dirk had been looking for a model for his pictures he was taking. At first, he was going to use Caris, which Nick said was fine. However, when he went to the shoot and Caris was posing with nothing but white cotton panties on, he nixed the idea, not allowing it anymore. There were a couple pictures from the shoot still floating around in their group of friends. Joel had gotten his hands on one.

Eric laughed. "Oh whatever, dude. You know you have a picture also that you wank off to. You're in love with her, we all see. And if we didn't, then the jealousy coming from you is a sure sign."

"Joel had his shot with her," John retorted. "He had her and they broke up. Then Nick had her, but not anymore."

"She's not an object to pass around," Kennedy told him. "She's fragile right now. You know how much Joel loved her, dude."

It was true. Years ago when they were together, everyone knew how much Joel loved her. He always talked about her and he constantly was flying to Braintree when Caris couldn't go to him. Their breakup was really hard on Joel. When Nick asked him if it was okay to date Caris, he said he was fine with it, but they could all see he wasn't. It took him nearly four months to spend more than five minutes in the same room as them.

When the three boys saw Caris pull away from Joel, they hushed themselves. She parted from Joel, making her way to John. He offered her a smile when she got to him.

"John, uh... Joel is gonna stay with me tonight. I just... I figured you'd want to sleep in your own bed or go out with the guys or something...," she said softly, trailing off.

John frowned. "Caris, I don't need to do that... I don't mind staying with you, Joel doesn't need to-"

Before he could continue, Kennedy cut him off, to stop him from sounding desperate. "Thanks, Car, we've been trying to get John to come out with us. It'll be fine, John, we know that Joel can watch after her."

"I uh.... I guess, yeah, okay," John muttered. He pulled Caris in for a hug, being careful of her newly tattooed side. "Call me if you need anything, okay? I'll be right over if you need me."

She laughed lowly. "I'll be fine, I promise. Thank you... for everything. I'll see you tomorrow."

As John walked out the door with Kennedy and Eric behind him, he couldn't help but feel pure jealousy of the boy who was currently sitting with Caris wrapped in his arms. He wanted nothing more than to be Joel at that moment.