Status: Introduction
Reunion
Chapter 13: Letter 1
The group remained silent around him as Niall slowly ripped the thin paper of the envelope. The moment seemed heavy with anticipation as each of them waited for the wise words of their fallen friend to mend the large rifts between them as if a few lines were all it would take. Niall couldn’t look at any of them so instead he stared intently first at the envelope then at the paper tucked inside it. After the envelope was completely ripped open, he tugged the paper out and stuffed the envelope in his pocket.
“Well, here it is,” Niall said as he unfolded the pieces of paper and smoothed them out on his knee. He felt his throat clench as he saw Liam’s handwriting spread across the page. His mind immediately flew back to the first letter he had received that had started this odyssey. He wasn’t quite sure why he had been lucky enough to receive a second one but he pushed that aside and took a deep breath before starting to read the letter.
Dear Niall,
So you have done it. You followed up on my request and got all the guys together. I am saying this because that is the only reason that you should be reading this letter. If that isn’t the case then you need to fold these papers back up, put them back in the envelope, drag those stubborn twats into a room and get this over with.
Niall heard a couple of chuckles coming from the men around him and he looked up to see a circle of minute smiles.
Louis took a slow drag of a cigarette. “I guess he couldn’t quite give up Daddy Direction, could he?”
Harry nodded. “He always was the most mature of the group.”
Zayn remained the silent one of the group but Niall could see the same thoughts emanating from his focused eyes. After letting the silence remain for a moment more, Niall looked back down at the letter and continued reading.
So, what did I need to say to you that I couldn’t say before I passed? More than can fit on these sheets but I will try to stick with the basics.
I remember the first time that we met. I was waiting for the orientation section to start on the first day of the show after auditions when I heard a bright and energetic laugh coming from behind me a few rows back. I was immediately annoyed at the seeming nonchalant attitude of the person who had created the sound, the idea that they weren’t taking the whole situation as seriously as they needed to be. I turned around and saw a group of people congregated around a shock of blonde hair. As if the seas were parted, the group separated and I saw you sitting in the middle of it with a guitar on your lap and an enigmatic smile on your face. You drew people to you with ease the entire time and I was jealous of how easy you found it. I couldn’t seem to do that. I was awkward and intense and many of those that day found me too hard to deal with. But you didn’t. You joked with me until I finally laughed. You sang with me until the shakiness disappeared from my voice. You gathered me beside you as a friend until I felt like that was where I belonged. You reminded me that this was supposed to have a bit of fun mixed in with the seriousness of it all.
Niall smiled as he thought back to that first day. What Liam had taken for exuberance had been nerves. By pretending that he had no worries, he had hoped to convince himself he had no fear of being cut. Liam had been as much a need for him just as much that day. A need to remember that that had been a day that would alter his life whether he was cut or not. He had never told Liam that and he regretted it now.
“You were the loudest of anybody there,” Zayn said quietly. Niall nodded. Where he had been outgoing, Zayn had been withdrawn. In fact, Niall didn’t even remember meeting him on the first day. “It was annoying as piss. You wouldn’t shut up.”
“It’s not my fault that I was excited,” Niall said as he felt his face go slightly red. “I was going to be the next superstar. Why shouldn’t I be happy?” No one answered so Niall continued.
That was what you continued to be for me for so many years. My buzz of happiness when I got too absorbed in the business of it all. When you sensed that was about to happen, you would come up beside me, elbow me in the side, wink with those Irish eyes and give me the same smile I had seen that first day. The smile that I knew would mean trouble. The smile I knew would mean chaos. The smile that I knew would mean I might question the sanity of what I was about to do but I would never regret it. Those were the continuous small gifts you gave to me. Thank you for those moments. They are the ones that I still hold on to as I write this tonight. The ones that make up our beautiful friendship..
Niall felt his voice getting thick as he read the words. He had always thought that those moments of fun and revelry were the ones where Liam had been the most annoyed. The fact that he considered them a gift was something that surprised him. And made him happy. Happy that he was able to do this for his friend.
He looked up and saw that each of the boys were staring at him with rapture as he had been reading the words. Louis had set down his beer, Harry had stubbed out his cigarette and Zayn was leaning forward on his knees. They were silent but he could hear them asking him to continue. He looked back down and did.
And now the reason for all of this. Since I know you are going to be the one to read your letter first and I know you are going to read it in front of everyone to break the ice, I’m going to tell you how this is going to go. Each of these letters have one purpose. To tell you my wishes for each of you that I have harboured for so many years. The ones that have already passed into truth won’t be mentioned because I have already congratulated you on them. The ones that will be are the ones that I couldn’t share. Whether it was because of shyness or separation doesn’t matter. What matters is that I have decided to let it all out because I have nothing left to lose anymore.
My wish for you Niall is simple and beautiful. To be called Daddy by more children than you think you should have. It is an honour to be the holder of that title, one that they can never take from you just as they will never take it from me. You were made to be a father. Made to wrestle your children on freshly caught grass. Made to teach your son how to drive. Made to walk your daughter down the aisle. Made to hold your grandchild in your arms with Lisa by your side.
I know that you feel the pressure of what this title brings because I know that it is something you take seriously. You understand that while it can be beautiful and precious, it can be broken in a moment by a rash word or a momentary decision. But you are more than capable of being the father you dreamed of, the one you grew up with, the one you always told me I was.
So that is my wish for you. Hold those babies against you and let them flourish in this world. I hope they inherit that smile of yours because if they don’t the world will lose a precious gift you give it each time you share it. I don’t want to think of a world without it.
You friend forever,
Liam
Niall felt tears starting to leave his eyes as he finished the letter. He had to take a deep breath before he could look up and view the reactions of the people sitting around him. As he does, he sees that the letter was just as impactful on them as it was on him. The letters that had been held with casual disregard only a few moments before were now clutched closer to their sides as if they now understood the gifts that each of them contained.
And then Niall felt his lungs expand fully for the first time since he had begun the whole process. As he looked around he realized that what he had thought would be an excruciating and tiring two weeks could actually be positive. Liam’s crazy and obnoxious idea to use the guilt of his death to bring them back in the same space was actually a crafted plan hatched out of love for his old friends to bond again. And Niall vowed to completely immerse himself in it, to be Liam’s cohort in it all.
It was Zayn who broke the silence for once. He pushed himself up and brushed the dirt off of himself. “I think I’m going to head back.” He lifted his letter to the circle. “I think I’m going to revisit with an old friend for awhile in private.” The rest of them nodded as he turned his back to them and headed back to the house.
Niall looked back and forth between Harry and Louis and saw that each of them were fingering the flap of their own envelopes. He sensed that they wanted to open their own letters together but without him there. A share privacy to deal with whatever was carried within. He tucked his own letter into his pocket with the envelope and stood up. Harry looked up but didn’t say anything to him but smiled as if he was saying thank you.
“I’m going to head down the road and pick up some snacks for later. I’ll be back in a bit.” Louis and Harry nodded at him and he turned and headed to his car, leaving his friends to their shared visit with Liam.
“Well, here it is,” Niall said as he unfolded the pieces of paper and smoothed them out on his knee. He felt his throat clench as he saw Liam’s handwriting spread across the page. His mind immediately flew back to the first letter he had received that had started this odyssey. He wasn’t quite sure why he had been lucky enough to receive a second one but he pushed that aside and took a deep breath before starting to read the letter.
Dear Niall,
So you have done it. You followed up on my request and got all the guys together. I am saying this because that is the only reason that you should be reading this letter. If that isn’t the case then you need to fold these papers back up, put them back in the envelope, drag those stubborn twats into a room and get this over with.
Niall heard a couple of chuckles coming from the men around him and he looked up to see a circle of minute smiles.
Louis took a slow drag of a cigarette. “I guess he couldn’t quite give up Daddy Direction, could he?”
Harry nodded. “He always was the most mature of the group.”
Zayn remained the silent one of the group but Niall could see the same thoughts emanating from his focused eyes. After letting the silence remain for a moment more, Niall looked back down at the letter and continued reading.
So, what did I need to say to you that I couldn’t say before I passed? More than can fit on these sheets but I will try to stick with the basics.
I remember the first time that we met. I was waiting for the orientation section to start on the first day of the show after auditions when I heard a bright and energetic laugh coming from behind me a few rows back. I was immediately annoyed at the seeming nonchalant attitude of the person who had created the sound, the idea that they weren’t taking the whole situation as seriously as they needed to be. I turned around and saw a group of people congregated around a shock of blonde hair. As if the seas were parted, the group separated and I saw you sitting in the middle of it with a guitar on your lap and an enigmatic smile on your face. You drew people to you with ease the entire time and I was jealous of how easy you found it. I couldn’t seem to do that. I was awkward and intense and many of those that day found me too hard to deal with. But you didn’t. You joked with me until I finally laughed. You sang with me until the shakiness disappeared from my voice. You gathered me beside you as a friend until I felt like that was where I belonged. You reminded me that this was supposed to have a bit of fun mixed in with the seriousness of it all.
Niall smiled as he thought back to that first day. What Liam had taken for exuberance had been nerves. By pretending that he had no worries, he had hoped to convince himself he had no fear of being cut. Liam had been as much a need for him just as much that day. A need to remember that that had been a day that would alter his life whether he was cut or not. He had never told Liam that and he regretted it now.
“You were the loudest of anybody there,” Zayn said quietly. Niall nodded. Where he had been outgoing, Zayn had been withdrawn. In fact, Niall didn’t even remember meeting him on the first day. “It was annoying as piss. You wouldn’t shut up.”
“It’s not my fault that I was excited,” Niall said as he felt his face go slightly red. “I was going to be the next superstar. Why shouldn’t I be happy?” No one answered so Niall continued.
That was what you continued to be for me for so many years. My buzz of happiness when I got too absorbed in the business of it all. When you sensed that was about to happen, you would come up beside me, elbow me in the side, wink with those Irish eyes and give me the same smile I had seen that first day. The smile that I knew would mean trouble. The smile I knew would mean chaos. The smile that I knew would mean I might question the sanity of what I was about to do but I would never regret it. Those were the continuous small gifts you gave to me. Thank you for those moments. They are the ones that I still hold on to as I write this tonight. The ones that make up our beautiful friendship..
Niall felt his voice getting thick as he read the words. He had always thought that those moments of fun and revelry were the ones where Liam had been the most annoyed. The fact that he considered them a gift was something that surprised him. And made him happy. Happy that he was able to do this for his friend.
He looked up and saw that each of the boys were staring at him with rapture as he had been reading the words. Louis had set down his beer, Harry had stubbed out his cigarette and Zayn was leaning forward on his knees. They were silent but he could hear them asking him to continue. He looked back down and did.
And now the reason for all of this. Since I know you are going to be the one to read your letter first and I know you are going to read it in front of everyone to break the ice, I’m going to tell you how this is going to go. Each of these letters have one purpose. To tell you my wishes for each of you that I have harboured for so many years. The ones that have already passed into truth won’t be mentioned because I have already congratulated you on them. The ones that will be are the ones that I couldn’t share. Whether it was because of shyness or separation doesn’t matter. What matters is that I have decided to let it all out because I have nothing left to lose anymore.
My wish for you Niall is simple and beautiful. To be called Daddy by more children than you think you should have. It is an honour to be the holder of that title, one that they can never take from you just as they will never take it from me. You were made to be a father. Made to wrestle your children on freshly caught grass. Made to teach your son how to drive. Made to walk your daughter down the aisle. Made to hold your grandchild in your arms with Lisa by your side.
I know that you feel the pressure of what this title brings because I know that it is something you take seriously. You understand that while it can be beautiful and precious, it can be broken in a moment by a rash word or a momentary decision. But you are more than capable of being the father you dreamed of, the one you grew up with, the one you always told me I was.
So that is my wish for you. Hold those babies against you and let them flourish in this world. I hope they inherit that smile of yours because if they don’t the world will lose a precious gift you give it each time you share it. I don’t want to think of a world without it.
You friend forever,
Liam
Niall felt tears starting to leave his eyes as he finished the letter. He had to take a deep breath before he could look up and view the reactions of the people sitting around him. As he does, he sees that the letter was just as impactful on them as it was on him. The letters that had been held with casual disregard only a few moments before were now clutched closer to their sides as if they now understood the gifts that each of them contained.
And then Niall felt his lungs expand fully for the first time since he had begun the whole process. As he looked around he realized that what he had thought would be an excruciating and tiring two weeks could actually be positive. Liam’s crazy and obnoxious idea to use the guilt of his death to bring them back in the same space was actually a crafted plan hatched out of love for his old friends to bond again. And Niall vowed to completely immerse himself in it, to be Liam’s cohort in it all.
It was Zayn who broke the silence for once. He pushed himself up and brushed the dirt off of himself. “I think I’m going to head back.” He lifted his letter to the circle. “I think I’m going to revisit with an old friend for awhile in private.” The rest of them nodded as he turned his back to them and headed back to the house.
Niall looked back and forth between Harry and Louis and saw that each of them were fingering the flap of their own envelopes. He sensed that they wanted to open their own letters together but without him there. A share privacy to deal with whatever was carried within. He tucked his own letter into his pocket with the envelope and stood up. Harry looked up but didn’t say anything to him but smiled as if he was saying thank you.
“I’m going to head down the road and pick up some snacks for later. I’ll be back in a bit.” Louis and Harry nodded at him and he turned and headed to his car, leaving his friends to their shared visit with Liam.