You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

After a few stressful and tense days we are now in Vegas which is hotter than balls right now. Alex and I have sort of made up, only if your definition of made up is that we pretend that nothing happened and not talk about it. There is obvious tension in the air and on the bus but no one is brave enough to say a word. I want to talk about it, but I really don’t know how to bring it up. I know there is something that Alex is keeping from me, but I can’t and won’t push him to tell me. If he wanted me to know then he would tell me. I’m trying to give him the space and patience that he gave me. I just don’t know how much longer I can do that though. He knows one hundred percent everything about me. He knows all about my past; the good and the bad. He knows my hopes and my dreams. He’s met everyone who is important to me. I have nothing left to share or give him. He holds my heart and my soul. Yet with everything that has happened between us he has yet to share anything personal with me. He briefly opened up about Tom, but that got shut down pretty quickly. Though I have never asked him any personal questions so I guess that is my fault, but I thought being in a committed relationship means you don’t have to ask, you just share.

Surprisingly I got away from Alex, I told Jack to distract him for a couple of hours. Me, Zack and Vinny decided to just explore Vegas. I’ve only been here once and it wasn’t that much fun since more of the places here you have to be twenty one. Somehow though instead of being at a bar, club or casino we ended up at a tattoo parlor. “Are you sure about this?” Zack asked nervously.

“I’m sure.” I nodded. “I need a tattoo, if I don’t do this then I will most likely cut and I don’t want to do that.”

“I understand that, but do you really want a tattoo that is going to remind you of Alex?” he questioned.

“I already have a tattoo that reminds me of Alex, this won’t be any different.” I shrugged. I was getting an anchor on my forearm. I’ve told Alex that he’s my anchor, not only has he given me hope but stability for the first time in a while.

“Okay, I get it.” Zack held up his hands defensively. “Wait, I thought you were going to get your tattoo for Faith?”

“I am, I’m getting both.” I smiled. On the back of my neck I’m going to get Faith’s name with angel wings on either side since she is my little angel. If it weren’t for her I wouldn’t have had the strength to get better.

“You must be really stressed if you’re getting two tattoos.” Vinny said with wide eyes. “Everything okay?”

I shrugged as I watched the tattoo artist prepare my arm for the tattoo. “Alex is keeping something from me and I’m pretty sure it has to do with Lisa. I know he wouldn’t cheat on me, but she is up to something. Do either of you know anything?”

“I would tell you if I did, but I know nothing. He hasn’t really talked to me lately.” Zack shrugged. We looked over at Vinny who was chugging his beer. He definitely knew something.

“I don’t know what is going on, I swear. All I know is that Lisa is hounding him about something. And whatever it is, it’s terrifying him. I think that’s why he’s being so possessive over you lately.” Vinny said.

“Wait, he’s been acting like this since we started tour, so she has been texting him this entire time?” I raised my voice. I was so annoyed right now. He has been keeping this from me for two weeks. This is bullshit.

“Sorry.” Vinny apologized.

“It’s not your fault. I say after this we go back to the bus, grab everyone and go out to a club. We need to just let loose and party. We do have tomorrow off so we can as to push bus call a couple of hours.” I suggested.

“Sounds good to me, we all need a night out.” Vinny said.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” Zack shook his head. “I told Liam I would keep you away from clubs and bars.”

“Then don’t tell him that we went to one. Duh.” I rolled my eyes. “Look I get you and my brother and everyone else are trying to protect me, but I need to move on from it. I won’t be kept in a tower like Rapunzel so I will stay safe. I am a mother and I love my daughter to death, but I am also twenty one year old girl who loves to go out and have fun. So you can either come have fun with me and watch over me if that’s what you care to do or you can stay on the bus like a good boy and be boring and most likely call Liam and tell him I’m being a bad, bad girl.”

I could tell that Zack was battling with himself over this, but after a few minutes he reluctantly agreed to go out tonight but he was going to stay sober. I’m not sure why because with all the guys around no guy will even try to attack me. “But you need to call Liam later. It’s up to you if you tell him about going out and I won’t tell, but he said he needs to talk to you. I think he’s moving back to Maryland.”

“What?” I asked in shock. Liam and Savannah love being in Florida, I never thought that they would move to Maryland. Savannah is really close to her family and never wants to be too far away from them. Though she loves Liam and knows how close he is with his family, so maybe he convinced her to move to Maryland. He’s lived in Florida since he was in he was in middle school. I also know when they were here on their last visit that the kids got really close to Izzy and Faith. Bryce maybe the only boy but he loves his cousins. So it’s possible that they want the kids to be together.

“He asked when we would be home and said he would be out the day after we get home. But the way he sounded, it was like it was indefinitely not just for a visit.” Zack shrugged.

It took about another half hour to finish both of my tattoos then we quickly went back to our bus. Everyone agreed to go out tonight so we all started to get ready. I put on a pair of silver shorts that have lace on one leg and a lacy black crop top. I wish I had heels with me but of course I didn’t think I would need them so I just put on a pair of sandals. I didn’t feel like doing anything with my hair so I just put it half up. I just wanted to get out of here and party. It didn’t take much to convince Flyzik to push back the bus call time, he loves me so all I had to do was promise to help him take care of the boy’s drunken mess. I agreed, even though I too will probably be drunk. I’ve grown used to putting up with Jack and that’s Flyzik’s biggest problem. Once everyone was ready we decided to walk to the club since it was just a few blocks.

Once we got to the club we all went straight to the bar and took a few shots of whiskey before we all had enough alcohol in our systems to be okay with acting a fool on the dance floor. I was dancing with Alex and Jack when Alex asked about my tattoo. “It’s sort of for you.” I shrugged. “You’ve been my anchor the past couple of months, no matter what happens you won’t ever let me sink. But it’s also my own reminder that I can’t let myself sink. I have too much to live for and now I know that.”

“And I promise that I will always be right by your side.” Alex whispered, sending shivers down my spine. He started kissing down my neck and Jack quickly took notice. “Oh come on guys! No being all sexual and coupley. This is supposed to a fun night out as friends.” He whined.

“Sorry Jack.” I giggled and elbowed Alex gently. He rested his chin on the top of my head with a whine. “You ruin everything, Barakat. I would never cockblock you.” Alex yelled at Jack which made me laugh.

“Oh honey, like you were ever going to get laid tonight. I will never have sex with you on that tour bus and I am way too classy to fuck you in the bathroom like a whore. I’m as horny as you are but you’re going to have to wait until we are back home.”

“Oooohhh!!” Jack yelled as he doubled over in laughter. Alex punched his arm and told him to shut up. With all of this chaos Vinny, Danny and Colussy came over and asked what was going on. Jack kindly explained to them that Alex would be using his hand tonight. All the guys erupted in laughter. I rolled my eyes boys will be boys. We went to the bar and had a few more rounds of shots, by this time we all were pretty drunk and were dancing around like maniacs. I excused myself because I had to pee really badly.

As I was walking out of the bathroom I ran into someone, I went to say sorry but when I looked up to see who I ran into I quickly changed my mind. There stood was none other than Melanie, Blake’s wife. “What the hell are you doing in Vegas?” I asked in disgust.

“I’m here was some friends.” She smirked mischievously. I knew that something was up with the way she was smirking at me. I tried not to let it show but I failed miserably. “You know, that boyfriend of yours isn’t as charming and loyal as you may think.”

I glared at her, what the hell is she talking about? “How do you even know that I have a boyfriend?”

“Oh honey, I know a lot more than you may think I do.” she chuckled humorously. “I know all about your little boy toy. And I know he has a secret that he has yet to tell you. I know that because you wouldn’t be here with him if you knew.”

“And how do you know this? You don’t even know Alex.” I fought back. I kept calm because I didn’t want her to have the upper hand. I didn’t want to give her the pleasure of seeing me upset.

“I may have gone to Towson with you, but I was best friends with Lisa. How do you think she knew what buttons to press at that party for the boys? I was never your friend, you were just someone to keep me entertained while I was at school.” She smiled then walked away. Before she left the hall where the bathrooms were she looked back and said, “you might want to hurry to your oh so lovely boyfriend before Lisa does.”

Alex wouldn’t cheat on me, so what if Lisa is here, that doesn’t mean anything will happen between them. I trust Alex, he wouldn’t betray me. But how did she know that Alex is keeping a secret? Was it just a wild guess or has something happened with him and Lisa? I shook the negative thoughts out of my head and walked out of the hall and back into the club area. At first I didn’t see anyone, I had left them all at the bar, but then I saw Jack come rushing toward me with Flyzik close behind him.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.” Jack said, he sounded really serious which scared the crap out of me. Jack can’t go from insanely drunk to serious in the manner of five minutes.

“I’m not going anywhere until I know what has you so wound up.” I crossed my arms. Jack sighed and looked over at Matt who was looking somewhere behind Jack. He looked enraged. I kept looking back and forth between them, waiting for one of them to speak up but neither did. I finally gave up and looked in the direction that Matt was looking and I didn’t like what I saw.

Alex was with Lisa and they had their tongues down each other’s throats. I nearly threw up on the spot but held my composure. I saw Zack pull Alex away from Lisa, he nearly punched him but Rian grabbed Zack’s arm before any punches could be thrown. I started to walk toward them but Jack put his arm around my waist and wouldn’t let me move. “Jack I swear if you don’t let me go I will punch you in your balls.” I threatened. He hesitated for a second but let me go.

I stalked up to them where Zack was yelling at Alex who looked very guilty. When he saw me his face went pale. I thought he was going to pass out or throw up. I’m not sure why he looked this way. Is it because he got caught and feels guilty, or is it because of something else? Either way I didn’t give a fuck, he betrayed my trust and this is the last time I will ever let anyone hurt me to this degree. Lisa stood there looking at me with a devious smirk that I just wanted to slap off. “Looks like you win, Lisa. You finally got what you wanted.” I told her.

I turned to Alex and slapped him hard across the face. “I never want to speak to you again. Don’t call me, don’t text me; don’t call any of my friends or family. Just leave me the hell alone.”

“Lo, you don’t understand.” Alex said.

I snorted, “I understand enough. I understand that you refused to let me in to your heart. I understand that you lied to me. I understand that you just cheated on me. I don’t want to hear any of your lies or excuses. I just want you out of my life.”

I went to walk away but Alex grabbed my arm and as soon as he did Zack punched him. That’s going to be a story to tell the fans at the show tomorrow. I heard them yelling at each other but I didn’t care to stay and hear them fight. I broke down into tears and decided to just leave the club; I can’t end up in jail with my custody hearing in a couple of months. Jack and Matt followed close behind me. Once we got outside I backed up against the wall and just started sobbing. Jack pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly. “I don’t want to go back on that bus; I just want to go home.”

“Are you sure?” Jack asked me.

“I hate him and I don’t want to see him. I know I should be professional and finish my job, but I just can’t.” my voice cracked. “I’m so sorry, Matt.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. I completely understand and we will pay you like you’ve finished the tour. You just go home and take care of you.” he told me, taking me from Jack’s arms and hugging me. “I will send you your stuff once we get to California.”

“Thanks.” I nodded.

“I can’t leave her.” Jack announced. “I’ll stay with her until morning and I will catch a flight or something.”

“No, Jack, I’ll be fine. This is your job, you have to be there.” I shook my head.

“The hell with it. The band will survive if I don’t make it for one show. You are more important than some show.” He kissed my forehead. “Tell Zack I will take care of her, because frankly I don’t want to be around Alex right now.” he told Matt.

“Will do.” he nodded. “Take care of yourself, Lauren.” He hugged me one last time.

“I’ll call you when I’m home.” I told him. Jack and I ended up walking to a hotel and we argued for about five minutes on who will pay for the room. I told him I was perfectly capable of paying for it myself, but he wanted to be a gentleman. He finally gave in when I said I had Rae’s credit card because we both know she has more money than both of us put together.

When we entered the hotel room I immediately curled up on the bed and started to cry once again. “Why doesn’t he love me?” I sniffed.

“Oh, Lauren.” Jack sighed. He came over and laid on the bed next to me, pulling me to him. “Alex loves you; he’s just so fucking stupid.”

I snorted, “he has a lovely way of showing me that he loves me. If loving me means he goes out and kisses his ex after swearing that he was over and done with her then I should be fucking Blake’s brains out right now because I love Alex so much.”

“Don’t even joke about that.” Jack snapped.

“I would never, so don’t worry.” I snuggled into Jack. This was familiar territory and I should back away now before we do something we both will regret. Maybe I should have waited for Zack and had him stay with me instead of letting Jack. Every time he’s with me and I’m upset we end up having sex and he’s with Rae now and I would never do that to her nor can I have sex with Jack again.

“What’s wrong?” Jack asked when I pulled away from him and sat up on the other side of the queen size bed.

“It starts with cuddling and always escalates to us having sex. It can’t go there again and we both know it. It’s probably best if you just go back to the bus before it leaves. I will be fine.” I told him.

“Neither of us wants to hurt Rae, so I know that we would never let it go that far again. And I won’t leave you when you need a friend.” He reassured me.

“Fine.” I gave in. “I saw Melanie at the club, she was there with Lisa.” I blurted out. Jack gave me a confused look but said nothing. “She said that she knew that Alex had a secret that I don’t know about and if I knew that I wouldn’t want to be with him.”

“I’ve known Alex for a very long time, he wouldn’t hurt a fly. Yes he is an asshole and fucks up a lot, but he’d never intentionally hurt someone.” I raised my eyebrows at him. “Okay, I get it he did tonight and for the life of me I have no idea why he did what he did. He loves the crap out of you. Whatever this secret is, Lisa is holding it over his head to get what she wants.”

“Well she succeeded.” I rolled my eyes. “I am tired of getting hurt so they can have each other, I’m done.”

“Just don’t do anything stupid, please. I can’t bear to see you in the hospital again.” Jack said barely above a whisper.

“I won’t.” I promised. For the first time I know I am able to keep this promise. I may be shattered, but I am going to focus on Faith and our future.