You Never Really Can Fix a Heart

I was walking to the bus in the Texas heat, I had forgotten something on there this morning and this has been my first free moment to go grab it. I’ve gotten the hang of things though; taking pictures of these idiot boys is actually a lot of fun. And I haven’t said a word to Alex about his drunken demand that I don’t drink with the guys when he’s not around. He didn’t even remember how he got to bed the other night. I thought it was better if I just pretend it didn’t happen, as long as he’s not possessive while sober then I can ignore the whole thing. When I walked onto the bus I was startled to see Alex there. “I thought we were meeting at catering?” I asked him.

He jumped and turned around; he looked at me like he was heartbroken. “Oh, we were, um, I just came back to change my shirt.” He told me. He was holding a piece of paper and I instantly recognized it. It was mine, from my diary. I must have dropped it early when I got off the bus.

“What do you have there?” I asked him, pretending that I don’t know what he has.

“I think you dropped it.” he shrugged and handed it to me. “Is that how you really feel?”

“What?” I gasped; he actually read what I wrote? “You read my private thoughts?”

“I didn’t mean to, I opened to see whose it was and I got really curious when I saw your hand writing.” He confessed. “Now answer my question, is that how you really feel about me?”

I snorted and shook my head; he really believes that what I wrote was about him. Just for that I’m going to play head games with him. “To answer your initial question, yes that is how I feel!”

“I thought we were over all the drama in our past.” He stressed, he was clearly pissed off. But I was more pissed off than he was.

I snatched the paper from him and stalked to the door, “if you want to read other people’s crap, you might want to ask them when they fucking wrote it.” I yelled at him before turning and walking off the bus.

I ran right into Jack, he held onto my arms so I wouldn’t fall down. “Whoa, what’s wrong?” he asked me.

“Your lead singer is a fucking asshole!” I screamed the once again stormed off. I wasn’t even hungry anymore so I went over to the stage that the boys were playing, hoping that someone was still over there. I flashed my crew badge to the security and walked back to the tent. Luckily for me Zack and Rian were sitting there eating. Zack immediately knew that something was wrong and put down his fork and got up.

“What’s wrong?” he asked concerned. Now Rian was aware of my presence. He looked up at me with a sad expression but didn’t move from his seat. I think he’s still freaked out about my melt down the other night. He’s not too sure how to deal with me.

“I am pissed at Alex, he’s such a fucking ass.” I said bitterly. I walked over and sat next to Rian. He looked at me and gave me a sympathetic smile.

“What did he do now?” Zack asked as he ran his hands down his face. You see Zack and Alex had already gotten into it this morning because Alex was looking at the pictures I’ve taken so far this tour and decided to snoop through my other pictures. I didn’t really mind that he went through them because I have nothing to hide. But he took things out of proportion when he found a picture of me on the beach. I am lying on the sand with my arms extended in front of me and my legs with up in the air. You couldn’t even really see my boobs, but when he asked who took that picture and I said that Zack did, he blew up. He said it was because I had my ‘come hither’ look in my eyes. I have no idea what the hell he’s talking about because I hated Zack for taking that picture of me. I was actually trying to get him to not take the picture but someone he got a really good shot of me. For the longest time I used that picture as therapy. After Blake I never thought I was pretty and with that picture Zack made me believe that I was beautiful. So every time I was having doubts or had low self-esteem I would look at that picture and remind myself that I am beautiful and no one can take that away from me. Alex ended up going off on Zack who told him to calm down about it, saying that Zack is secretly harboring feelings for me. The whole situation was ridiculous.

“He found a paper I dropped on the bus and instead of just seeing my handwriting and folding the paper back up and giving it to me, he read it. Those were my private thoughts! And he just assumes that what I wrote was about him, not bothering to ask me if it was or not and just ambushes me. So instead of just calmly telling him that he’s wrong, I told him it was about him. Well not really, I just let him believe that’s what I meant.” I ranted. I laid my head on Rian’s shoulder because I really didn’t know what else to do.

“I’m not defending Alex, but if they were your private thoughts why didn’t you put this paper in a safe place. I know you and I know you keep a journal so why didn’t you write in there?” Zack questioned me.

I sighed. “It was in my journal. I ripped the page out because I was going to give it to Cady. I hang out with her when I get the chance and you guys are busy. It’s refreshing to talk to a girl and not always you guys, no offense. But she was telling me about this song that she was working on but was having trouble with the bridge so I told her that I had a poem that could probably help her and she could use it if she wanted to. I dropped it on the bus when I rushed out this morning and he found it and read it.”

“What about it would make him assume it was about him?” Rian asked curiously.

I shrugged, “I’m not entirely sure.” I took the piece of paper out of my pocket and gave it to Rian. Zack came over and stood behind Rian as they both read what I had written. I knew exactly what I had written so I went over every word in my head. I had written it years ago but I know it by heart because it was a scary time in my life. The entry says, ‘Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. People are people, and sometimes it doesn't work out, anything we say is gonna save us from the fall out. And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, and I can't breathe without you, but I have to. Breathe without you, but I have to. It's two A.M. Feelin' like I just lost a friend. Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me. It's two A.M. Feelin' like I just lost a friend. Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me.’

“I’m not sure why Alex would think that this has anything to do with him, unless he thinks this is some sort of break up letter to him.” Rian said to him then handed me back the paper.

“Maybe he has a guilty conscience.” Zack shrugged. I looked at him curiously but said nothing because my phone rang in my pocket. I took it out and saw it was my mom’s house phone so I quickly answered it, hoping that nothing is wrong with Faith.

“Hey momma, is everything okay?” I answered in a panic. Zack looked over at me with concerned eyes.

“Yeah honey, everything is fine. The kids just wanted to talk to you.” she told me and I breathed out a sigh of relief. Zack took that as a sign that everything is fine and told me that he is was going to go talk to Alex. That is probably a horrible idea but I can’t stop him from doing so, they will have to talk at some point so why delay the inevitable?

“How is Faith doing?” I asked my mom. I was really worried about her, it’s been a tough few months and I hate having to leave her. I’ve had to leave her before to go do photo shoots but that would be two maybe three days tops but not a whole month.

“She’s okay; I don’t think he’s sunk in that you’re gone yet. She knows you’re gone, but I think she expects you to come through the door at any second. Ryleigh has been a big help in distracting her and Izzy.” My mom explained. As if on cue I heard Ryleigh’s voice yell ‘let me talk to Lo’ from the back ground. Both me and my mom laughed then I heard Ryleigh’s voice on the phone. “I miss you!” she gushed.

“I miss you too.” I smiled to myself. I really do miss my little sister, hell I miss my whole family. I commend musicians for doing what they do because I don’t think I could stay away from my family and friends for months on end. I’ve been away from home for four days and I’m going crazy.

“Guess what?” she asked excitedly but before I could respond she continued talking. “I got the winning goal in my soccer game!”

“Oh my god, that’s so amazing. I’m proud of you.” I squealed in excitement for her. “I wish I could have been there to see it.”

I heard her sigh sadly which broke my heart, “me too. It’s not the same without you here.”

“Just a couple more weeks and we’ll be back together again, I promise.” I reassured her. We talked for a few more minutes before she passed the phone to Johnny. I talked to Faith and Izzy before I finally got to talk to Briana, whom I really needed to talk to.

“So how is tour going?” she asked me.

“It was okay up until a hour ago, now it’s a disaster.” I groaned.

“Why is that? Is it the work, or does this have to do with Alex?” she questioned.

“Alex.” I sighed. “I’ve hung out with this girl, Cady, a few times and she needed help with a song she’s trying to write and I said I had something that could help her. So I got a poem out of my journal but dropped it on the bus and Alex found it and read it. He jumped to conclusions and thinks that I’m breaking up with him. I was so annoyed that he read it that I just let him believe it.”

“You know how Alex would react to you doing that, so did you want to fight or do you really want to break up?” And here goes Briana getting all philosophical on me again.

“For one, the poem wasn’t even about it nor did it even have to do about a break up.” I told her. “And I was pissed off; he shouldn’t have read my private thoughts. He knew the moment he opened that piece of paper that it was my handwriting he should have given it back not read it and assumed it was about him.”

“But you were going to let this Cady girl read your private thoughts and you’ve only known her a few days. You’re dating Alex, so what’s the difference?” I could just hear her smirking. I know that sounds stupid but I know my sister very well.

“That’s the point, I don’t know this girl. I know she’s not going to ask questions, she just needed inspiration for a song. And I really wouldn’t have minded that Alex read it if he just talked to me about it and not yelling at me and jumping to conclusions.” I snapped.

“Sounds like somebody may have a guilty conscience. If you say it had no break up aspect to it then he has to be hiding something.” Briana pointed out the same thing that the boys did. “But I still think you’re a bitch for making him think you’re breaking up with him. That’s mean with his insecurities.” I heard her chuckle. She didn’t say bitch in a mean way, more of a playful way.

“It’s not just that though.” I sighed as I ran my fingers through my hair. “I think I did what I did because I was so angry with him. Not just for reading what I wrote, but because ever since we started tour he’s been acting so controlling. He doesn’t want me to hang out with any of the crew members; I don’t even think he wants me to hang out with Rian or Jack. He can’t say much about Zack because well frankly he’s scared of Zack. I just don’t get it.”

“Ever since you guys have been dating he’s never really been out of your presence. And the last time he was away from you, you ended up getting drugged and raped. He probably is still reeling from that, he’s terrified.” She pointed out.

“But he’s here!” I yelled a little too loudly. A few of the guys from Forever the Sickest Kids looked at me weird. “Plus these are his best friends; they are not going to hurt me.”

“He probably knows that, he wouldn’t have these guys has his best friends and crew members if he didn’t trust them. But that doesn’t mean he isn’t any less scared. He’s probably thinking what if he gets drunk and something happens and you get hurt. Who knows, you just have to talk to him about it. And if it’s not that then it’s that he has a guilty conscience.”

“Sometimes I hate the fact that you’re a psychology major. You get so philosophical on me and get me to think about my life and I hate it.” I laughed.

“At least I know that my money isn’t going to waste.” She chuckled.

“Lo!” I heard Rian call from behind me. I turned and saw him running toward me with a worried expression on his face. “You need to get to the bus and quick.” He said out of breath.

“Why? What happened?” I asked in a panic.

“It’s Alex; he’s having an anxiety attack. He thinks you’re leaving and is freaking out. Jack is trying to calm him down, but I think only you can help him right now.” he explained to me. I mumbled a quick good bye to Briana and ran as fast as I could back to the bus. When I got to the bus I was heartbroken at what I saw. Alex was sitting on the floor breathing heavily and had tears in his eyes while Jack held him. Everyone was standing around not knowing what to do.

I rushed to Alex and put my hands on his face, making him look at me. “You need to breath.” I told him as I breathed in deeply and letting it out slowly, hoping that he would follow my actions. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise you that, so please just breathe.”

After a few minutes of copying my breathing Alex calmed down. He looked up at me and started to cry. “You’re not leaving?” he asked and I shook my head. “But what you wrote and you said its how you felt.”

“It is how I felt, at the time I wrote it. I’m sorry that I made you believe that it was about you, I was just so angry.” I told him. He gave me a confused look. I sighed and sat down in front of him. “The paper you found was something I wrote years ago, I ripped out of my journal yesterday to help Cady with a song she’s working on.”

“Sorry I jumped to conclusions.” He apologized and looked down at his lap.

“I want to know why you did. I don’t understand why you thought that had anything to do with you. And I don’t understand why you don’t want me around any of the guys.”

“Wait, what?” Jack asked in a semi pissed off tone.

“It’s not that I don’t want you around them, I just, hell I don’t even know. I know that you’re safe here, but I also know that my friends are awesome dudes and I’m scared you’d fall for any one of them and leave me in the dust.” Alex confessed. “You’ve dated Zack, hooked up with Jack, I know you and Rian are close but I know you two won’t happen since he’s madly in love with Cass. But the fear is still there. I woke up that one night and saw you hanging with Matt, Danny and Vinny and I got jealous.”

“That’s ridiculous and you know it dude.” Flyzik said as he shook his head. “None of us would ever make a move on Lauren and I’m pretty positive that she would never like any one of us in that way. She spent most of that night talking about you or asking us to tell her embarrassing stories about you. The girl loves you; there is no doubt about that.”

“He’s right, which leaves me to believe that you’re hiding something. And I hope for your sake you aren’t because I don’t want to have to kick your ass.” Zack told Alex.

“Is he right? Are you hiding something?” I asked Alex.

He looked at me then back down at his lap which let me know that he is guilty of something. I wanted to cry and I wanted to punch him but I did neither. I just pray that what he’s about to say won’t lead to Zack hurting him. “Lisa has been texting me.” he looked up at me. “I swear I haven’t said a word to her other than leave me the hell alone. But when I saw what you wrote, I panicked and thought you saw the texts and thought I was cheating on you.”

“So the logical thing is to jump to conclusions about me possibly jumping to conclusions. That’s smart.” I said sarcastically. “Obviously you’ve learned nothing from our past. I learned to come to you and ask you about things. And I’m never going to believe Lisa ever again. That bitch hurt me once and I almost didn’t recover so next time ask me before getting pissed at me for something you know nothing about.”

I got up and brushed passed Flyzik and Vinny and went to my own bunk this time instead of Alex’s. I heard a soft knock on the bunk then the curtain slid open. I turned over and saw Zack standing there. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“I will be I just need to be alone. All of this is too much right now. I miss everyone, especially Faith, and I miss my dogs. The poem Alex found was about Leo so that brought up memories.” I sniffed.

“I thought it was about him. The whole part about knowing the person like the back of your hand, you two had that freaky telepathic thing going on.” He chuckled. “Want me to keep Alex away for a bit?”

“Please. Tell him that I’m not mad, a little disappointed, but I just need some space and then I’ll talk to him.” Zack nodded then closed the curtain to my bunk. I curled up in a ball and let myself start to cry. This is our first fight as a couple and I really don’t know what to do about it. I hope that this is just a bump in the road and not the start of a hole. Please just let things work out, I don’t think I can handle losing him. All I really need right now is my family, but that will have to wait a couple of weeks so for now I just have to work things out on my own.