An Empty Everything

There were times that struck me where I just wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her everything: tell her how I was sure I loved her more than anything in my life, tell her I wanted her to be mine indefinitely, tell her I never wanted to let her go. But usually, I settled for a little smile and a small kiss. Because even as much as Kinsey stayed around, and she was around often, I had a panic in my gut that as soon as I let those eight letters out of my mouth she would disappear. And I couldn’t let that happen.

When it was just Kinsey and me I felt like we were the only two people in the world. Nothing else mattered, time didn’t exist. It was just us, our own tiny universe in my house, free to watch football matches and eat junk food all day. Unfortunately, today was not a day like that. She sat lazily draped in an armchair, watching me with an amused expression as I hurried around.

“Yeah, yeah—Christ Louis I know! Would—would you just…oi, you can fuck right off.” I was snapping into the phone. My band mates were fighting over Louis’ phone on the other line to tease me about being late. They were slightly concerned about the fact that I was late, but more concerned with thinking of creative insults. Kinsey’s eyes glimmered as she watched me, hobbling around and shoving my foot into a shoe.

“You’re spending all your time with that girl is why your brain’s gone to shit, Horan,” Harry teased. I heard Zayn laugh. “It’s all flowers up your arse now, I mean, being late for a talk show spot is just the beginning, next thing you know—”

“You’re a cunt, Styles!” I complained. I could hear the group of them cackling. “I’ll be there!” I ended the call, cutting off their laughs. “Right lot of pricks, they are.” I said to Kinsey. She smiled good-naturedly at me, the fact that she’d only recently woken up evident in her sleepy gaze.

I couldn’t help but look at her, looking as lovely as ever in one of my jumpers and a pair of jeans she’d left here that were so wonderfully tight they looked like they’d been painted onto her legs. I grabbed one of her legs that was dangling over the side of the chair and pulled her up, squealing and clutching me like a too-big toddler. There was nothing in my eyes except her charming face, arms around my neck and legs wrapped around my waist. She smiled, just a small, authentic little smile, and looked at me with her big hazel eyes. If I had already told her I loved her I would’ve said it again then, because it was so easy. There were just times that I knew, times when it was so clear to me: I loved this girl. But, miserably, I couldn’t tell her. So I kissed her, pressing my lips against hers with all the love I could manage, hoping she’d know. She smiled another genuine smile when she pulled back, not a smirk or a sneaky grin; a real, sweet smile. It would’ve been so easy to say it, just to breathe the three words. But kissing her had to be enough for now.

“You have to go,” She murmured knowingly after I let her back down to the floor. I sighed and grazed my fingers across her face. She reached up and took my hand and squeezed it, wrapping her other arm around me and hooking her fingers in the belt loops of my jeans. It was a habit she had that I couldn’t say I minded; she told me she did it because she always wanted me closer. Ever since she first said that, whenever she would grasp onto a belt loop I would get a warm, swelling satisfaction. She did it now and tucked her head under my chin, the warmth of her breath occasionally tickling the skin of my chest. “I’ll go with you.” She stated simply.

I pulled back and stared down at her face. “You will?” I asked, surprised. She shrugged and nodded. I gaped at her and finally laughed, squeezing her tightly and kissing the top of her head.

Kinsey’s public support of me and of One Direction was huge to me, and my heart pounded excitedly. I felt like a schoolgirl but I was too in awe to care. She was going to be with me for a talk show spot. That was huge. And she’d meet all the lads for the first time, meet management, have her first encounter with a group of fans… “But you do need to leave, love.” She chided with a familiar smirk.

When we arrived security ushered Kinsey inside before anyone took notice of my plus-one. Paul gave me a look, a very fatherly look that I couldn’t quite place, but said nothing. She waited for me inside the building, looking like a doe in a red sweater. Something about that expression on her face made me laugh. This girl who exuded superiority with the curve of her lips, this girl who had me wrapped around her pinky finger and tied with a bow, this girl was looking terrified of the backstage set of a talk show. I reached out and put an arm around her, offering her the most reassuring smile I could manage.

“Oi, you just gonna stand there and be useless?” I recognized Zayn’s voice before I saw him, grinning and standing just down a hallway. As if it was the sound of an alarm, Harry’s head immediately poked out of a door and he grinned up at me too.

“Decided you’d show up, I see?” Harry meant to keep talking, but Louis burst out the door behind him.

He started to say something to me, but he looked at Kinsey and a smile lit up his face. “Oh, this must be her, isn’t it?” Zayn and Harry looked at her now as if she were an entirely different person.

“Kinsey,” She said lightly before I introduced her. She smiled, full blushed lips and sparkling white teeth. “Kinsey VonOuthend. Not that the last name matters, I suppose.”

“Well, it’s lovely to finally meet you,” Louis said. He cast me a glance. “We’ve heard all about you.”

Liam popped into view and looked at Kinsey like he was overjoyed to see her. “You must be Kinsey! About time Niall brought you round.”

Although they were friendly, the way they looked at her was unreadable—almost judgmental, a little incredulous and skeptical. I could see it, though, in the way Zayn barely tilted his head and narrowed his eyes the smallest bit; how Liam’s eyebrows pushed together slightly; how Louis’ lips pursed an almost unnoticeable amount. I didn’t expect them to be taken with her the way I was when I first met her—different strokes for different folks as they say—but their looks were strange. They were sizing her up while they talked with her, picking her apart while she stood there. I couldn’t entirely blame them, because she did have that air of superiority about her, but there was something off about the way they interacted. They were my mates, she was my girl; I expected it to be a big happy family I reckon. But it was just the first time they met her, and it wasn’t under the most relaxed of circumstances. They’d get on well enough.

Although the whole thing was really a very simple event, I had a swelling pride that Kinsey was there with me. She handled it all much more gracefully than she looked like she would’ve just moments ago, when she had been staring with wide eyes at the entire situation before her. I was proud to have her there, proud to show her off, proud all the people I loved were finally all together—besides my family of course; I was proud to have a life I loved. And I was a little guilty of showing it off. But it was all in good fun.

Harry went with me so I could quickly get fixed up for television. He looked at me when we turned the corner, a half smile pursing his lips and his large eyes just the slightest bit narrowed; like he was thinking pensively about something that amused him. “She’s got you, hasn’t she?” He said finally. It was the same thing Liam had said the night I’d first met Kinsey, and I couldn’t help the loud burst of a laugh that came out. Harry shook his head and smiled. “Niall, you should see the way you look at her. It’s…I can’t even describe it.”

I stopped laughing and looked at him. “What do you mean?” I twitched as a makeup artist patted at my nose with a bristly brush.

Harry blew out a breath and raised his eyebrows, that thoughtful smile still on his mouth. He looked at the ground for a second and looked back up at me. “I dunno, mate,” Harry searched for the words, dragging one hand from the back of his neck like he didn’t know what to do with himself. “I…I’ve seen the other lads around girls, even around girls I wouldn’t dare question how they feel. You know, like when Liam was with Danielle, or Zayn and Perrie. Or,” He added carefully, looking at me. “Or Lou and Eleanor. But,” He paused now, his eyebrows knitted together in a frown. He licked his lips. “But… I have never seen anyone look at someone the way you look at her, mate.” Harry said it gently, letting the weight of his words sink into me while he tried to gauge my reaction with careful green eyes. Harry had a way of speaking, though, that made everything he said seem dramatic and important. He spoke slowly and deliberately, much the same way Kinsey did, and his voice was deep and low, and when he spoke to you it was like he was laying his heart out for you with each word. I pretended that this changed the meaning behind his words and tried to think of what he said in a lighthearted way.

The way I looked at her? I didn’t even know I looked at her in a “way”. And although Harry had a tendency to make everything he said sound like Brad Pitt narrating a love story, there was a different tone when he’d said that. He’d said it delicately, because he knew it was important. And he’d compared Kinsey and me to my best mates. To Louis and Eleanor? Even being compared to Zayn and Perrie or Liam and Danielle was massive to me, especially having never really been publicly involved with anyone. But Louis and Eleanor were like a golden standard, and for Harry to say he’d never seen Louis look at Eleanor the way I looked at Kinsey…I couldn’t imagine it, I couldn’t imagine it at all. I looked up at Harry in pure confusion.

“Niall, the way you look at her…I reckon it’s the way all girls want to be looked at. But I think most of ‘em will go their whole lives, and no one will look at them the way you look at Kinsey.”

There was something about what Harry said that just astounded me. I didn’t even know how I looked at Kinsey, but it certainly must’ve been something special. I wondered if she could notice it too, if any other onlookers had noticed it. But we were being rushed to the stage and there was the unmistakable screaming roar of a crowd of Directioners, waiting not very patiently for the spot to begin. If it were possible, the excited screams got louder when Liam first stepped out onto the set, waving cheerily at the audience. Kinsey gave me one of her rare, sweet smiles before I walked on to be greeted by a massive crowd, reminding me—if I ever forgot—that I loved my life.

It was a typical talk show for us in the sense that we didn’t take much seriously and really turned it into a bit of a circus. Mostly we promoted the tour and the album, and talked about upcoming projects, careful not to give anything away, and accepted some fan questions. Surprisingly, it wasn’t a fan question that got me talking about Kinsey. The host of the show looked at me with a curious smile and moved in her seat, tilting her head and propping her chin in her hand.

“So, Niall, who’s this mystery girl we’ve seen you out with? You’ve been in quite a few tabloids together.” There was raucous cheering in response.

I laughed anxiously and shifted in my spot, rubbing my hands along my legs. “Oh, he’s blushing,” Louis said excitedly, crossing his legs and smacking Harry’s arm beside him on the sofa. “Look, look at how pink he is!” He beamed.

“That’s…that’s Kinsey,” I said indecisively. The talk show host raised her eyebrows. “We…we spend a lot of time together, I s’pose,” I mused. “She’s lovely and I quite like her.”

“But,” Harry interjected loudly. “He is in a very committed relationship with Nando’s. Hardly has time for us anymore, even.” He smirked, saving me from the inevitable “girlfriend” question.

That was all that was said on the matter, thankfully, and when it was done we went backstage again. I found Kinsey having an enthusiastic conversation with Eleanor, the two acting like they’d been best mates for ages. I considered this a small victory—surely if Eleanor liked her, Louis would too. It was silly for me to connect everything that way, but it shook me that they hadn’t seemed to fit together as seamlessly as I’d thought. Louis casually put an arm around El, looking over his shoulder at the exit door.

“Better brace yourself, love,” He said to Kinsey. “Paps are one thing; a crowd of Directioners is another.”

That was true; Kinsey got on well enough with paparazzi trailing us, but she hadn’t been overwhelmed with fans yet. It was a lot for us to handle at times, and I guess we’d gotten accustomed to it enough that I wasn’t sure exactly how someone else would handle it. Security guards helped us through the doors and there was a crowd, loud and demanding, lining our exit. We posed for pictures and signed autographs and it wasn’t bad at all: no one tried to go over the barriers, no one threw anything or yelled anything obscene. A tiny little girl in a One Direction t-shirt caught my eye, probably no older than six and barely able to see over the barrier in front her, clutching a notebook and a pen. She was giving Kinsey eyes and finally a little hand shot out and grasped the bottom of her jumper. I was surprised when Kinsey knelt down peacefully in front of her, smiling and saying something I couldn’t hear. I stooped down too, cameras snapping all around me when I did, and the little girl looked between Kinsey and me.

“Her name’s Kinsey?” She asked me in a distinctly recognizable North London accent. Kinsey pursed her lips in an amused smile, raising her eyes to mine. Security had to swat grabbing hands away from us while we squatted down there.

“Sure is, love,” I answered happily, smiling at her. “But what’s your name?”

The girl smiled shyly and held her notebook against her chest, looking up at me from under her long, girly eyelashes. “I’m Ellie,” She chirped. “My real name’s Elizabeth but I don’t like that and I don’t like being called Liz or anything so I like it for people to call me Ellie.”

I chuckled and nodded. “Fair enough, love.” She anxiously reached her hands out to give me her notebook and I took it with a wide smile, signing it and depositing the book back into her childish hands with a kiss to her chubby cheek.

Ellie reddened and beamed, clutching her notebook again. She gave Kinsey another suspicious look before whispering, in that loud way that kids often whisper, “Are you his girlfriend?”

Kinsey laughed. “Oh no, darling, not me. He told me just a moment ago that you were just absolutely beautiful, and he was sure he was in love with you.” Ellie’s blue eyes widened and she grinned, tiny little pearls of baby teeth in her smile. “So we had to get him to talk to you, didn’t we?” Kinsey winked at the little girl, and it was on the tip of my tongue for the millionth time that day to tell her I loved her.

Ellie gave a little squeal and Kinsey began to stand up, but the same tiny hand snatched at her sweater again. I stood up and looked at the rest of the lads, waiting patiently down the way and signing a few autographs or taking pictures while they stood. Ellie’s little hands grabbed Kinsey’s face and she went to whisper in her ear, but failed to keep her voice down, of course. “Well, don’t tell him, but I think you’re absolutely beautiful too,” Kinsey laughed heartily. “And it’s okay if you’re his real girlfriend but you’re not allowed to get married because you have to be older.”

“Absolutely, princess, wouldn’t dream of it,” Kinsey patted the little hand that was on her cheek and gracefully rose to her feet, linking her arm in mine.

Security helped us to our respective cars, disappointment still shadowing my interactions with my best mates as Kinsey stood aside. The fact that she didn’t walk with me to say goodbyes spoke volumes. Still, though, I kept myself positive. Surely, at some point, the discomfort would ease away and they’d be alright. They were five people who were massively important to me, and I wanted them all to fit together. Especially now, because I was sure more than ever that I loved Kinsey. And it was comic, really, that I wanted them to know that, but was too afraid to tell her.