An Empty Everything

It wasn’t until we were sat at a restaurant later that suddenly, it was as though a light clicked on in my head. I put down my cheeseburger probably for the first time since I’d picked it up, slowly lowering the mangled sandwich back to my plate and raising my eyes gradually to stare at Kinsey. She made eye contact mid-bite, eyes wide and guilty of my wordless conviction, like a child caught stealing cookies, and she lowered the sandwich in her hands back to her plate.

“What?” She chuckled nervously, mouth twisted in anxious confusion. “What’re you looking at me like that for?”

“Kinsey,” I murmured slowly. Kinsey raised her eyebrows, waiting. “Where do you live?”

Her eyebrows fell over her eyes and her jaw went slack, gaping at me as if her face were asking “that’s really your question?” Kinsey airily scoffed a chuckle again, frowning and cocking her head as she looked at her food. I stared at her, serious as ever. “Where do you live?” I repeated, not letting her weasel out of it.

“I—” She stammered. “Where did this question come from?” I scowled. She wasn’t answering. She was a dodgy one. When I didn’t humor her with an answer she heaved a dramatic sigh and bugged her eyes in annoyance, picking at the crust of her bread with her uncomfortable fingers. “I…I don’t really like to talk about it.” She told me in a mumbling whisper, flecks of gold in her hazel eyes catching the sun when they darted up to look at me.

I narrowed my eyes at her. “You’re a dodgy little one, you know that?” Kinsey laughed and I could hear the relief in the musical sound. Her face warmed; she emanated a kind of glow from her skin when she was happy that made her look like she was always smiling and her face had that now, the golden glow from the inside out. “Don’t think I’ll forget about it, though.” I said through a mouthful of cheeseburger, pointing a finger at her.

The happy glow faded and her lips pulled tight as she exhaled a slow, dissatisfied breath. I wanted to make a remark calling her out about how she didn’t like when she wasn’t the one calling the shots. But I didn’t say anything. I winked at her cheerily and shoved a handful of chips in my mouth, the sheer number of them making her sputter a laugh. I changed the subject.

“You met the lads, finally,” I bubbled, a grin spreading over my face. I was excited to hear what she had to say. Her smile was simple and uncommunicative. “Come on, were you nervous? Meeting the world’s most famous boyband?” I smirked and snatched a crisp from her plate.

“Oh I was positively shaking in my boots, Ni,” One corner of her mouth tugged upward in a charming half-smile. She glanced from her food to my face. “Terrifying bunch, you lot,” She paused, though, and her eyebrows pushed together as she thought. “I s’pose I was nervous, yeah. I mean, I’m just a girl. And—well, you all met the Queen, and played the Olympics, and toured the world!” Kinsey looked at me with bewildered doe eyes.

I had never thought of it that way, the way that made her sound so amazed when she spoke my own accomplishments out loud. My life was exceptional, absolutely—I was aware of that and grateful every day. But Kinsey just seemed so sure of everything. It didn’t seem to bother her that my life was built off of celebrity, or if it did she was very talented at hiding things. Which, now that I thought of it, was entirely true. She was practically an expert at hiding things. I tilted my head and looked at her.

“Does it bother you?” I murmured, trying to put pieces together while I looked at her. She looked confused again. “I just never thought it was such a big deal to you, I reckon. You seem so…unaffected about everything.”

Kinsey shrugged. “No, it doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t bother me at all, love. It’s a little overwhelming sometimes. But it is like I said—I was nervous because I feel so…unreal. Like I’m an extra in a film that wandered into a superstar cast or something.” She pushed her food away and frowned at her drink, stirring the straw around. She always had to be doing something when she didn’t want to look at you.

“I wish you didn’t think like that,” I sighed. “But it’s nothing I can do.” She shrugged again, dropping her shoulders heavily and still frowning at her drink. It was sorely disappointing to me that she wasn’t immediately best friends with all the rest of the lads. That was a little unreasonable to expect, but it even seemed like they were all uncomfortable with each other. Although she had been getting on well with Eleanor. In a stupid way I was glad of that. I was so protective of Kinsey and I wanted everything for her, especially friends to keep her company for when I wouldn’t be with her.

We left the restaurant and I began the drive back to my house, only reminding me even more that Kinsey had never once spoken about where she lived or where she was from. I looked over at her while we sat in traffic outside London, dangling one hand over the steering wheel and reaching over to pinch her cheek with the other. She crinkled her nose when she turned to look at me and grabbed my hand, lacing her fingers with mine.

“Don’t think I’ve forgotten, Kinny,” I chided with a smirk, stroking the skin of her hand with my thumb. She crinkled her nose more, expression changing to distaste. “Come on, darlin’. I don’t understand why you get so bothered when I ask you things.”

I could tell how her expression changed that I’d offended her, but I didn’t know how I’d done that. It was true: she got all worked up whenever I tried to get her to talk about herself. She leaned her head against the window and frowned. “I already said I don’t like talking about it.” She grumbled. But she was still holding my hand, so I prodded her.

“Kinsey,” I said her name seriously, raising my eyebrows and waiting for her to look at me. She was frustrated, but I tried to show her that I was merely curious. “I…I really fancy you. I’m not trying to bother you. I’m not going to tease you or judge you, or whatever you think I’ll do. I’m just trying to get to know the little pieces of you that you insist on hiding from me.” I smiled lazily, leaning to give her a warm kiss on the cheek. “Like I said; I really fancy you.”

I always felt so lame saying that. I really fancy you. Well, brilliant, but we’re not schoolchildren anymore. Somehow, though, what I said seemed to get through to her and her expression softened. She shifted in her seat, everything about her body language screaming that she was uncomfortable. “I don’t like talking about it,” She whispered.

“Yeah, you’ve mentioned that a bit.” I said dryly.

“Wanker,” Kinsey muttered, rolling her eyes. I grinned. Her lips couldn’t resist pulling into a little curve for a minute, and then she huffed and frowned, taking a moment to think of her words. “I…I’m from Manchester.” She began in a wavering voice.

I raised my eyebrows but didn’t interrupt. She didn’t seem like a big city type of girl. She didn’t seem like any type of girl, really, but I couldn’t picture her as a troublemaking little girl going to primary school in Manchester, with pigtails in her hair while she skipped along the busy city streets. Kinsey pursed her lips and looked at me miserably, wordlessly asking do I really have to do this? But she sighed out a soft breath and continued.

“I grew up there. My dad’s not around much. I dunno if he comes round at all anymore, actually. My mum’s…my mum has trouble,” She took in a deep breath and looked out the windshield while we moved in the stop-and-go traffic. “She…I don’t know!” Her voice got high and she scowled. The words really did come hard to her, but I didn’t want to say anything for fear of throwing her off. I just let her speak in her own time, because I wanted to hear. “She’s got a lot of problems, I reckon, especially since my dad’s not around. I’ve got a younger brother, Oliver. He’s fifteen and a brilliant football player. And I’ve got a younger sister, Sicily, she’s just six and thinks she’s going to be a ballerina.” Kinsey swallowed hard, still frowning and not looking at me. I was surprised when she continued to list off siblings. “I’ve got another brother, just about two years older than me; Langley. And my oldest sister, Effie,” Her face morphed into a sneer, and the next words fell out of her mouth quickly, as though she had held them down too long and needed to spit them out now. “Effie’s useless. She’s never around and she doesn’t work, just uses whatever money my mum makes to get whatever drugs she wants and fucks around with whatever blokes she wants. She could’ve been brilliant, of course, because it’s always the brilliant ones who are fuck ups. She’s useless, and she always brings trouble back home.”

“Is that why you don’t like talking about it?” I asked in a low voice, stroking her hand again.

“It’s not even Effie,” Kinsey laughed humorlessly. “My home’s a mess and I hate going back. I feel bad going back, because I got out. For some reason Langley keeps going back. Ollie’ll never get out, I don’t think, even being great at football. And poor Sicily is growing up around all this madness without anything to hold on to.” Her face was sad. Looking at her face, smooth velvet skin interrupted by the creases of her sad expression, another realization dawned on me.

“But what about you?” I said slowly, trying to keep my voice gentle so she didn’t get worked up again. Kinsey blinked and looked at me blankly like the question was absurd. I raised my eyebrows, waiting for her purposely vague reply, but her face just looked surprised and confused like she’d walked into a surprise birthday party when it wasn’t her birthday.

“What about me?” Her voice came out slowly and flat, still confused by what I’d said.

I had to restrain my own jaw from dropping. What about me? Did she really think that lowly of herself? Did she even think of herself at all? She carried around this heavy heart because of her family and the place she’d left, and I was sure that wasn’t the only secret little box locked inside her, but she didn’t do anything about it. She was just sad; running from a ghost that wasn’t even chasing her. Kinsey had been shaped into this person by the life she struggled to leave, but even when she left she was still stuck. It was mental and I couldn’t understand it. How could she go through life and never do something just for the simple reason of bringing herself happiness?

“Kinsey,” I began slowly, frowning out the windshield in front of me. “I…I understand that it upsets you, I really do. My family’s important to me, and since I consider my best mates my family too, I’ve got a big one. But you’re not going to be able to change the world for them, love.” I tried so say it gently while making it clear. I wondered if anyone had ever said something similar to her, or if her mother just let her grow up thinking she had to solve every problem in the world to earn her keep.

She was staring at her lap when I looked at her again, not really scowling but still an unhappy face. A thoughtful hum vibrated in her throat and she curled her legs up against the seat. I couldn’t begin to guess what was going through her head. It made sense to me now, sort of, that she came off so careless and flighty. She really couldn’t be bothered to care about anything—she never had the time for it and when she did, it was probably dashed away rather painfully. Everything about Kinsey added up to the pieces of a sad little girl, and it was sad to me. I wanted her to be happy, just for once to realize she isn’t responsible for the weight of the world. Her childhood and family in Manchester still hung around her neck like an iron locket and sunk her where she stood. And worst of all, I got the impression that wasn’t the only burden she carried. I just wanted to make her happy, and I wished she’d grant me the permission to do it. I would’ve done anything to make her happy if she would just say the word, but I was sure she herself didn’t even know what would make that difference.