I Can’t Have You For Mine and I Know It

I've always been Bi. Sounds dumb, doesn't it? Cliché or whatever. But it's true. It started with my barbies. Making Barbie and Jackie marry each other. Then have Jackie marry Ken. But I didn't really accept it until I was twelve. I went to a summer camp, my first (and last) year there. There was a girl there (surprising right?) her name was Haydon I felt drawn to her. I thought I just wanted to be her friend, we became inseparable over the next few days. Then one night, we decided to sneak out of the cabin in the middle of the night to go look at the stars. While we were there she looked at me, and under the stars in the middle of the night. On the cool green grass with her eyes glowing green in the moon. We kissed. I can't remember if I kissed her or if she kissed me. All I remember is the kiss. And it was amazing. It wasn't my first, no that honor went to Lucas David in the third grade as a dare. But it was definitely my favourite. After we went back to the cabin, she tried to act like it never happened. And I did too. Until one night at the camp fire, in the dark, she reached over and intertwined her fingers with mine. That's when I realized what she meant, this had to be a secret. We had to be a secret. I never understood why. After that day, we snuck out every night to go to “our hill”. We kissed and laughed until it was time to go back.

When I returned home I thought I was a lesbian. Until I met Oliver, who was my second love. My first real boyfriend. I met him st school in my first year of high school. He was a grade ten student, and I thought I loved him. The need to be with him was so intense . Every second, every minute, I thought of being with Oliver. I see now that, I wasn't in love with Derek. I was in love with the thought of being in love. But I was definitely attracted to him. I mean he was adorable. He had Dark brown hair, almost black. And dark brown eyes, tan skin.... He was definitely cute.

But now.. I'm in love. With a girl. And her name is Kenzie. .

Here's the problem with me loving Kenzie. She straight or maybe she isn't.... but either way she's dating Collin.

My bestfriend.

I shouldn't have ever went to that party. Why am I so dumb?
I can't stop thinking about her. She's all I want.

But she's not mine to dream about.