She's Not Afraid

“Just in time!” I greeted Liam as I opened my door. “We were just about to start cooking!”

“Oh, good,” he smiled. It didn’t quite reach his eyes though. I moved out of the way to let him in and as he moved around me he leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to my check. Ugh. Does he always have to be so cute and charming all the time? Can’t he be an asshole for like five minutes? It’d really help me out!

I linked my arm with his, “Come on. Niall’s in the kitchen.”

“Leem-o!” the Irish cheered as we walked in.

“Hey,” he greeted. “What’s goin on?”

Niall shrugged, “I was bored, and Jazmin over here, was the only one that answered,” he said shooting Liam a pointed look.

“I was asleep!” Liam defended. “So what are we making?”

“You offering to help?” I smirked.

He smirked back at me, “I guess I am.”

“Well Liam,” Niall shouted in our direction, “We’re making chicken fettuccini. You wanna prep the chicken while I get the souse going?”

“Sure.”

He nodded, “Cool. Jaz, be a doll and put a pot of water on for the pasta.”

“Why do I get the pathetic job?” I scoffed.

He rolled his eyes at me, “Some would say the hot water was essential to the dish, really.” A slow smile creeped upon his face, “Or you can just sit your pretty little bum on the counter and let the men handle this.”

“Men? I see Liam, but he’s the only man I see here,” I shot.

Niall sent me a cheeky grin, “Well I’ll have you know, that I’m all man where-”

“Right,” Liam interrupted. He walked in between Niall and I to the counter, “So I’ll start on this chicken then,” he huffed.

I glanced at his back, which looked like it had a lot of tension, then looked back at Niall shooting him a what the fuck look. “Jealousy,” he mouthed before turning around to start the souse. “How about that water Jaz?”

I rolled my eyes at his back, “Yeah, I’m getting right on that.”

That’s pretty much how the whole rest of the night went. We’d be having a laugh about something, then out of nowhere Liam would get this… edge to him. Niall kept shooting me knowing glances when Liam wasn’t looking, but I just shook my head at him. He had no idea what he was talking about.
“So I think I’m gonna go,” Niall said after he finished helping me load the dishwasher, Liam had been wrapping the leftovers.

“Oh, okay,” I took the towel he handed to me to dry my own hands. “Take some of the leftovers though. We made loads, and Jes and I won’t eat it all before we head back on the road.”

Niall leaned over and kissed my cheek, “Sure thing babe.” Liam slid a tupperware container of leftovers across the counter at his friend. “Thanks mate,” he said grabbing it. He turned back to me and pulled me into a hug, “Today was fun. Let’s hang out more yeah? It’s a long tour.”

“Yeah, sure,” I nodded. “Drive safe, yeah?”

“Always.” He walked towards Liam, who had watched out entire exchange, and patted his shoulder, “I’ll see you later, yeah?”

He nodded, “Yeah. Night.”

“Night,” he waved at both of us then headed out of the kitchen and out the front door.

Then it was just me and Liam. “Are you okay?” I asked after a long pause.

He looked up at me startled, “Me? Yeah, why?”

I shrugged, “You’ve just seemed… off.”

He ran his hands through his short hair and sighed, “Sorry. Just tired I guess.”

I lead us out of the kitchen and into the living room where I sat myself on the couch. The only light was coming in from the kitchen so I could only see his silhouette come over and sit next to me, “Then why’d you come over?”

My eyes were adjusting to the light change and I could almost make out his shadowy face, “Dunno, couldn’t make myself sleep. Thought I’d see what you were up too. Didn’t mean to impose on you and Niall.”

I waved him off, “You weren’t imposing,” I chuckled. “We literally sat on the couch and watched the tellie. Wasn’t too exciting.”

He hummed in response and we just sat there after that. It was a comfortable silence though, just listening to him breathing in the dark was calming. “Is this Jesy’s house or both of yours?”

“Both,” I replied. “I used a huge chunk of my student loans to pay for my half.”

“It’s a nice place.”

I nodded into the dark, “Yeah, I like it. Jesy wants to get a bigger one but I don’t know.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t really afford anything bigger right now. Plus, this house is fine! We’ve got an extra room, a big living room,” I said waving my hands around. “A big kitchen, a pool… what more do we really need?”

He hummed, “I see your point. But maybe she just wants to spend some of her money you know? At least that’s how I felt when I bought a bigger house than I needed. But I love it.”

“Yeah,” I said. “And I get that, but… I don’t want to just live off her, you know? I don’t want her or anyone else to think that I’m living off her money.”

“I don’t think anyone would think that. At least anyone that matters,” he said softly. “Plus, I’ve seen your photography, you’re career will take off and you’ll be able to pay your own way.”

I chuckled, “I’m glad you believe in me.”

I felt his hand find mine. He slowly moved his fingers down my palm and laced our fingers together, “Someone’s got too.” Dear god, did he have to say that so… so throaty?!

My hand was on fire in his. Not to mention that my heart was beating so loud I was sure he could hear it. God, what was wrong with me? Why did my body have to react like this towards him? I didn’t sign up for this, I need to stop touching him. Come on Jazmin, pull it together. Just calmly pull your hand away. Ugh, but our hands fit together so perfectly. My hand is so comfortable in his right now. It was like his was made for mine. Oh my god, what the fuck did I just say? Really? ‘Made for mine,’ Really?

I let go of his hand and shot off the couch, “I’ll be right back.”

“Um… okay.”

“I’ve got something for us actually,” I said as I ran up the stairs. I don’t know why I was doing this, especially now. This was probably the worst alternative to distracting myself from wanting to jump Liam right there on the couch. I skipped into my room and grabbed it off my bed before going back down the stairs. “Here,” I said tossing it to him. I turned on one of the lamps before sitting back down next to him. I watched him pick if off his lap and look at it. “I just finished the book, so I got the movie. I was going to wait until we were back on tour so we’d have something to do, but,” I shrugged, “Why not watch it now?”

The look he gave me was pure amusement. Like he was trying not to laugh, “You got The Notebook for us to watch? But I thought you said you didn’t want to watch it.”

I shrugged, “Yeah, well, I read the book and actually loved it. So I admit, I was wrong.”

This time he did laugh, “So are we watching this now?”

“Yeah if you want. Unless you’re too tired.”

He shook his head, “No, I’m good. Let’s watch it.”

*****

I glanced over at Liam as the movie ended, “Whoa, are you crying?” I said trying to suppress my laughter.

He glared at me, “Well excuse me for having a heart!”

I shook my head laughing, “I just finished the book so I knew what was coming. Although this ending is different from the book.”

“It is?”

I nodded turning back as the credits rolled, “Yeah, Noah doesn’t die in the book. There’s even a kind of sequel to this. It’s about one of their kids, ‘The Wedding’ I think it’s called. I looked it up earlier.” I grabbed the remote and turned the movie off.

“So Allie is the only one that dies? That’s almost sadder! He has to live on without her!”

“Aw,” I cooed, patting his leg, “He lived without her before, so I’m sure he can handle it.”

“That was different!” He argued, “She was alive and well then. Now she’s just… gone.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” I turned back to him and he was staring at me, “What?”

He shrugged, “Sometimes it’s just brutally obvious that you’ve never been in love.”

“Maybe I’m better off,” I shrugged.

“How so?”

“I don’t know. I’m not broken?”

He shook his head, “You’re not broken forever. At least not always, I guess there are certain situations where you would be.”

“Well I don’t want to chance it.”

He sighed, “Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure.”

“Why do you think you’re like this? Like, against dating and falling in love? I mean, you’re parents are still together, so it’s obviously not a divorce or something.”

I took a moment to think about his question and how to answer it, “Well for starters, I’m not against it, I just don’t really think it’s for me. But I honestly don’t know why I’m like this.” I shrugged, “For as long as I can remember I’ve never been into love stories or the idea of love. Like, when I was little, my mom and dad used to read me fairytales before bed. It always bugged me that the princess was always waiting for the prince or looking for him. I always wanted her to go off and find her own adventure, you know? Like, even with Peter Pan, they could have left Wendy completely out of it and I would have liked it more.

Even when I was growing up, and in school, I’d see Jesy and all the other girls getting boyfriends and trying to find someone to fall in love with. I just didn’t get it, or want it. I mean, yeah I flirt and get crushes and like the physical aspect of being with someone,” I paused, collecting my thoughts. “I just… the idea of giving myself to someone, letting them in and relying on them or worse- giving them a chance to hurt me, it just freaks me out. So, I mean, I’m obviously not ready for something like that, you know?”

The whole time I was explaining myself, Liam never took his eyes off me. I could tell he was giving me his full attention, and taking in each and every word to try and understand me. I gave me this, like, feeling of gratitude almost. Every other guy that had asked me why I am the way I am always interrupted me to argue a point or just didn’t get it. But the way Liam was looking at me now, I could tell he was honestly trying to understand.

“So there’s never been even one person you wanted to share your life with?” he finally asked.

I shook my head slowly, not breaking eye contact, “No. Not yet anyway.”

And we just sat there, staring at one another. The intensity of the conversation was still hanging over us. That and the way he was looking at me, and the realization of how close we were was making my whole body buzz with nerves. He was close enough that I could feel his body head against my side. It felt like that night in the club again. Only this time, we were the only people in the room, and it’d be so easy just to lean over and claim his lips with mine. And holy shit, did I want to. I really, really did.
But I was terrified of doing that. That was unknown territory and Liam was different. He wasn’t the kind of lad you just kept around for a makeout session and a good shag. He was the boyfriend type. The guy you took home to show off to your family. And boy would my mom love him. My dad would even approve, I mean he was 100% gentleman! Chivalry wasn’t dead with him.

I looked away like a coward, breaking eye contact. I yawned, stretching as I grabbed for my phone. “Whoa, it’s late,” I said showing him the time on my screen, “Almost 3am.”

He bit his lip and sat up, “I should probably get going. I’ll probably sleep all day tomorrow.”

He stood up and I followed suit, “Yeah, me too.”

We slowly made out way to the door, “Another movie night? Before we head back on the buses?”

I smiled, “Yeah, sounds great.”

“Alright, well. I’ll see you, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Good night, Jazmin.”

I smirked at his formality, “Night Liam.”

When he leaned in to kiss my cheek, he didn’t quite reach it. His lips hit the corner of mine. Liam Payne’s lips touched the corner of mine.

As he pulled away he smiled at me one more time before opening my door, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“O-okay.”

He smirked before closing the door behind him.

I stood there just staring at the closed door. My heart was beating erratically again and my entire body was hot. He had to have done that on purpose… right?