Heart Attack Waiting to Happen

Chapter 13: When It Cut's You Up This Deep.

Josh P.O.V

I walked in further and stood in front of the little gate of the playground. I could see Oli sitting on the round about going around in circles ever so slowly. The scene before me looked as sad as ever and I was abruptly filled with guilt.

He’s been here all day waiting for me. Fuck.

I let out a sigh before opening the gate and making my way towards him. There's no doubt he heard the screeching of the gate opening because he flicked his head up to see who had entered and when he saw it was me, he stopped the round about from spinning and sat on top of the middle part and tangled his legs around the bars to hold him up.

I suddenly got nervous, what was I going to say to him?

“Hey.” I say when I reach the round about but he says nothing.

He was hanging his head, hiding his face under his long black hair of his, giving me the ultimate silent treatment. I had to admit, it did irritate me a little but he had every right to upset with me because I did ditch him after all.

I guess I had my work cut out for me if I actually wanted to earn his forgiveness.

I stepped onto the round about making it move a bit and stood in front of him, hoping he’d meet me half way at least.

“Oli baby, I’m so sorry."

I had hoped the pet name would work in my favour but obviously not. The silent treatment was on full power tonight, there was no point of me trying to say anything else to him or even try to attempt to cuddle him because I knew he would just push me away.

I had to be patient and wait for him to talk to me when he was ready.

So I stood there for a good ten minutes until he finally spoke.

“Did you have fun with your friends?” He says so quietly I just about made out what he said.

“I wouldn’t exactly say fun.” I snorted making him look at me for the first time this evening.

“What happened to your face?” Fear lingered in his voice.

He flipped his fringe out of his eyes so he could see me better and I could see the distress in his eyes which made feel even more guilty.

He placed his hand on my cheek, wiping away the little blood from under my nose with his thumb.

“Max and I kinda had a disagreement.” I smirked.

“Kinda?” He arched an eyebrow at me.

“If you think I look bad, you should see what I did to him." I chuckle, trying to lighten the mood but Oli wasn’t impressed at all.

“I don’t care what you did to him, I care about you and your bloody face!”

You could tell he was more than upset about this. Sadness swirled in his hazel eyes when he looked at my beaten face. The situation wasn't funny at all, I know that. I just wanted to know I was sorry.

I sighed and relaxed my face into his hand which was still resting on my cheek, I longed for his touch so much. I turned my face and kissed the side of his hand but he dropped it instantly, leaving me in the cold of his silent treatment yet again.

“Oli?”

He just hung his head and ignored me. This is so him, he hates confrontation and his best way to deal with it was the god damn silent treatment.

I couldn’t stand here and take his silence any longer, so I did the only thing I knew what would make him give in to me.

I put my hands on top of his which rested on the bars of the round about and I feel him tense. I stepped closer so that I was now standing in between his legs and nudge my nose up against the side of his.

“I’m sorry baby, really I am.” I whispered.

When he still doesn't react I lean my forehead against his and let my lips touch his briefly just for a second, teasing him as I let out little breaths of temptation.

He was being so stubborn and not giving into me in the slightest! I wanted him more than anything, but I refuse to show him how desperate I was to taste him. I wanted him to give into me.

I remove my hands from his and rest them on his hips, stepping that little more closer to him, my lips hovering over his, literally only inches apart that I could feel his breath against my own lips.

I was going out of my mind, I wanted this so bad. How could he not want me? Not want this? I was just torturing myself.

He knew what he was doing, he wanted to see how far he could push me.

Ugh. I couldn't take it anymore, he wasn't giving into me so why am I bothering. I was just about to pull away and throw a tantrum, until I felt him kiss my bottom lip.

The touch startled me a little but it made my heart race at the soft touch of his lips on mine. Chills running down my spine as the butterflies fluttered in my lower stomach. Yes, this is what my body and soul has craved for the last 24 hours. Him and his touch was all I ever needed.

I kissed him back instantly, almost despreately even. The kiss became more intense as he wrapped his legs around my waist and tangled his arms around my neck as he pulled me closer to him.

I tighten my hands tighter on his hips and bit down on his lower lip with my teeth, tugging at one on his lips studs which made him moan in response. I slipped my tongue into his mouth wanting to taste more of him hearing him gasp when I do.

His fingers made their way into my hair and he pulled at the strands causing me to groan into his mouth.

He was killing me when we kissed me like this. It was always so passionate and filled with desired lust for each other. I could feel how turned on I was getting, I just wanted him so bad. I wanted to be inside him and have my way with him so god damn bad.

As if he read my dirty thoughts, Oli pulled away from my lips gasping for air. I leant forward almost straight away wanting to capture his lips with mine again but he placed his hand on my chest to stop me. I knew what this meant, he had reached his limit and I respected his boundaries no matter how turned on he always made me.

I nodded in understanding and I rest my forehead against his as we both came down from the intense make out session. The only sounds heard were our heavy breathing.

“Does this mean I’m forgiven?” I say breathlessly.

He kissed me a couple more times before he answered.

“Yes."

I smiled immensely, god I love him so much.

"But don't do that to me again Josh." He says with the mixture of hurt and annoyance in his voice.

"I promise I won't. I'm so sorry." I lift his chin up with my finger and gave him a reassuring smile before placing a gentle kiss to his lips.

“Let’s go back to mine.” I say, lacing my fingers into his and tugging him off the round about.

“Hang on, I want to show you something first.”

Oli took my hand and walked us over to the tunnel next to the slide.

He climbed up the ladder and into the tunnel and I followed behind him with no questions asked. It was now dark, so I couldn’t really see inside the tunnel but I could always see his adorable smile.

“What are you smiling at?” I smiled back at him full of curiosity.

He pointed at something on the side of the tunnel wall. I squinted my eyes and had to get pretty close before I could see what he was pointing at.

He scratched our initials into the side of the tunnel.

O.S <3 J.F

It was beyond the cheesiest thing I had ever seen but it made me smile ridiculously like a little kid. I absolutely loved it.

“Come here.” I say, and he leans forwards to me and I pull him into a kiss.

He was just so perfect. Everything was so perfect and the moment was so perfect also. Perfect enough to finally tell him I love him.

This is it, the moment I've been waiting for.

When I pull out of our kiss ready to confess my love for him, my t-shirt rides up slightly, connecting with the freezing cold metal press against my bare skin. I yelp and jumped forwards in response which made Oli burst out laughing at me.

“Was that abit cold love?” He taunts.

He crept his fingers under my t-shirt, pulling it up and pressing most of my bare back against the cold tunnel wall.

“Oli! No, its fucking freezing!” I cried out with laughter and struggled to get away from the wall.

He laughed at me more and he threw himself on top of me as he broke out into a full on tickle attack on me.

“Oli no! Please! I can’t take it!” Yelled through my laughter.

He ignored my cries, laughing at me as he continued tickling me all over. My lungs started to hurt from all the laughter and every time I tried to move away my back was met with another ice cold spot from the metal causing me to squeal.

I took a deep breath and controled my laughter and managed to grab a hold of both of Oli's and got him to stop tickling me.

I looked up at him to see if this was okay because I know he didn't like me touching his arms. But he was smiling down at me, his laughter dying down slowly and we just fell into a comfortable silence.

The street light from outside shone in through the opening of the tunnel shinning down on us so I could see his face clearly now.

I turned my head to side and saw that the light shone onto my hand which was still holding on to Oli’s wrist. My eyes grew wide with shock when I saw what the light revealed to me. It was a disburbing sight.

The sleeve of his shirt was rode up slightly from my grip, revealing fresh cuts all over his thin little wrist. My heart sunk and the smile disappeared from my face as realisation settle in as I let a gasp fall from my lips.

Oli's eyes follow mine to see what had caught my attention and when our eyes both meet I see the sheer panic spread across his face.

He yanked his wrist out of my grip and scrambled off me and tried to escape out of the tunnel from the other side. I grabbed hold of his hood and pulled him back to me.

“Oli, what the fuck?!” I say, completely in shock from what I've just seen.

“Josh, let go of me now!” He screams.

He struggled against me but I refused to let go of him. I needed to see his wrist again.

“No, show me your wrist."

“Let go of me!” He chokes.

His breathing became really heavy and fast, tears were streaming down his face as he still fought against my hold.

“J-Josh- P-please, let me go!" He sobs and that's when I notice he was having a full blown panic attack and I suddenly remember he has a fear of confind spaces and I was holding here against his will.

In sheer panic of my own I let go of him and watch him crawl out of the tunnel franticly. I follow him out and I see him make a run for it.

“Oli, come back!" I shout and run after him.

Luckily, he never got far enough and I caught up with him and wrapped my arms around his waist but he screamed. I held his back close to my chest but he kicked his legs out in front of him as he tried to fight free of me.

"Oli please, calm down!" I plead but he shook his head violently in response and kept fighting against me.

"J-Josh, please." He whimpers.

He hangs his head and bursts into tears. I feel his body go limp now he's stop struggling and his body sinks to the ground and I sit with him as he buries his face in his hands and cries uncontrollably.

It broke my heart knowing he wanted to get away from me so despreately. It was killing me seeing him in this state. How could this be happening? The boy I am so madly in love with is cut to pieces and I was so blind to see it!

How didn’t I know this?! I was so confused and torn apart, I couldn’t believe he didn’t tell me.

He was shaking and still crying hysterically in my arms, I had to see his arm again. I had to know the full damage despite how much it will hurt me to see it.

“Oli baby, please let me see your arm.”

“No!” His cry muffled by his hands.

"Please." I begged.

He ignored me of course but I couldn't take it. I was falling apart just like he was now.

“I love you.” I whispered.

Those three little words slipped from my mouth.
I feel the tears fill my eyes and roll down my cheeks as I held him close to me. This wasn’t how I was suppose to tell him, the moment was suppose to be happy and magical just like it was in the tunnel just moments before everything fell a part.

But I felt like I had no choice, he had to know how I felt about him. He had to know he could trust me.

“N-No!” Oli yells and his rejection breaks my heart.

“But I do! Oli, I love you so much!”

I sobbed into his hair, hoping he would understand how much I love him and accept it. Even if he didn't I couldn't give up on him.

“Just please let me see your arm, let me see how bad they are.”

He shook his head again, this was absolutely killing me. I needed to see his arm, I needed to know that he was okay. I needed to see those cuts longer than 2 seconds if only he let me.

“Baby, I only want to help you… I promise I won’t hurt you, I just need to see how bad they are. Please baby, let me see them.” I say as softly as I possibly could so he would believe I was trusting enough.

He took his hands away from his face and let out a shaky breath before falling back into my chest. It was like his whole body went limp in surrender. He's actually going to let me take a look.

Hesitantly, I slowly pull up his sleeve of his hoodie and then unbutton the cuff of his shirt which he was wearing underneath and roll up the sleeve gently. I glance down at his uncovered skin and the sight of his arm was even more shocking than the first time. My hand flew to my mouth as I gasp in horror at the tortured skin.

I couldn't control the tears which fell from my eyes. His arm was totally destroyed.

Cuts and scars covered his inner arm from wrist to elbow in all different shapes and forms. Some were fresh, some old, some deep, some not so deep, some long, some short. His arm was just destroyed.

Then it finally hit me. This explains so much, how was I so blind to not see it before?

His hoodie. The beloved hoodie he would refuse to take off and the time he freaked out when he woke up and didn't have it on because I put it in the wash.

Why he made holes in the cuffs so it wouldn’t risk the sleeves rolling up and people seeing them. Why I weren’t allowed to stroke his arms and why he always wore long sleeves tops and why I wasn't allowed to see him without his shirt off, ever. It all fell into place.

I couldn't believe I didn’t see this before? I was so in love with him that I was blinded by everything about him. I felt sick.

My Oli, my poor precious Oli. What on earth goes through his head to want to do that to himself? Why would he want to hurt himself? Why didn’t he tell me? Didn’t he trust me? I couldn’t handle any of this right now, my head felt like it was going to explode.

"You think I'm disgusting, don't you?" He sobs, quickly pulling his sleeve back down, hiding the evidence of tonight’s heart ache.

"No baby, of course I don't." I say reassuringly but he just whimpers back.

“Why did you do this?” I ask resting my cheek on top of his head.

He doesn't say anything just cries in my arms ignoring the questions ask him. He was pushing me away, further than he has ever done before. I couldn’t take it right now, we were both suffering from all this.

I stopped with my questions, I knew he wasn’t going to give me any answers tonight and this was his problem, I guess I should just be patient and hope he will open up to me and tell me about this when he's ready.

I sighed and stood up from the ground, pulling Oli up with me. I didn't take my arms away from his waist, I held him closer and he remained silent as I walked us back to my house.

~~

I sit him down on the edge of my bed and see he was shaking like a leaf and his eyes were swollen red from crying.

I crouch down and take off his shoes as well as mine and then unzipped his hoodie and gently took it off him, throwing it on the floor. I start unbuttoning his checked shirt, revealing a black band t-shirt underneath, he was all layered up...

I place my hands on the coller of the shirt and about to pull it off his shoulders but he reaches up and stops me.

"N-no." He shakes his head, his eyes full of fear.

"Okay." I say with a small smile and drop my hands from his shirt.

I sit down on the bed next to him and rest my head on his shoulder and wrap my arm around his waist again.

This wasn’t exactly how I planned our evening, I guess it was all my fault. I should have just told Dan no and gone to meet Oli for ice cream liked we planned and just avoided all this shit from happening.

I sighed deeply. But if I didn't go with Dan then I wouldn't have found out about Oli's self harming.

There were so many things which needed to be discussed and sorted out but I knew full well that wasn’t going to happen tonight. I kissed the side of his head gently and stayed there for a few seconds before pulling back.

“Lie down and cuddle with me.” I whisper but he shakes his head.

“No, you'll only make me fall asleep.” He chokes out and wipes his teary eyes with his hand.

I frown at his ridiculous excuse. I wasn’t going to take any of his crap right now.

“Good, you need it. Now come cuddle.” I say sternly.

I pulled him up towards the pillows with me and ignoring all of the stupid rules he insisted on when we slept. I turn him away from me and hug him close from behind, spooning him and resting my chin on his shoulder and lightly kissing his neck.

He let's out a quiet sob and I see tears rolling down his pale cheeks which tugs at my heart. I snuggle closer to him and quietly sing him to sleep.

“Keep me in your skin, keep me in your chest, I’ll wait for this to start, I’ll wait for it to end, keep me on my toes, keep me in the know… Just crash, fall down, I’ll wrap my arms around you now. Just crash, it’s our time now. To make this work second time around…”