Secret Happiness

I walk down the stairs with her on my hip and see Shannon already waiting at the bottom of the stairs restlessly. “Look, who’s that?” I make a shock face to her and she claps her hands in glee. It makes me so happy to see her smile; her eyes sparkle and her cheeks are so full.

‘There’s my little girl’. His arms are already out ready to catch her as she reaches over to go to him, completely forgetting about her earlier tiredness, hunger and need for me.

‘Zjan Zjan’. She’s so happy; she laughs as his lifts her in the air and pretends to drop her, not at all concerned about the implied peril. She doesn’t get that trait from me.

‘Hello Emily! Oh my god look at her, she’s so big! Have you been a good girl for mommy?’ She nods her head and laughs loudly. ‘Is that true?’ Shannon gives her a questionable look and she looks at me mischievously.

‘You’re always a good girl aren’t you babe.’ I stroke her hair off her face and she puts her arms out for me, children can be so fickle. I take her from Shannon and ask her what she would like for lunch as we walk into the kitchen. ‘So what shall we have for lunch today? Hmm?’ She waves her arms in the air and moans, trying to jump out of my arms.

‘Pulls, pulls!’

‘Apples?’ She nods her head. ‘Are you sure?’ She laughs and claps her hands. ‘OK, if you say so. Does Shannon want some lunch too? We both look over to Shannon who leaning against the counter-top, taking in the scene before him.

‘Do you know what? I would love some lunch.’ He gets up and walks over straight over to the fridge and looks inside, I just roll my eyes.

‘Make yourself at home Shannon.’

‘Will do, thanks.’ I walk back over to the counter with Emily in my arms and put her in her high chair.

‘Mummy, pate.’

‘Just a second baby.’ I reach up into the cupboard above her and grab her Peppa Pig plate that she simply cannot eat without. I put her plate on the tray in front of her and take an apple from the bowl.

‘Zjan Zjan, look.’ Emily proudly holds up her plate and waves it in the air. Shannon leaves what he’s doing and comes over to see “the absolute best plate in the world”.

‘Wow, is that mine? Thank you very much.’ The frown on her face is definitely something she got from her father, she mirrors him perfectly. I see him every day when I look at her, when I look in her eyes. He’s there.

‘No. Mine.’ She hugs her plate and turns away.

‘Ohh Shan, you’ve made an enemy there.’

‘Nah, we’re best friends aren’t we?’ She doesn’t say anything, just keeps hugging her plate. I give Emily her sliced apple and she quickly forgets and happily munches down on her apple whilst Shannon pulls up a chair alongside with a bowl of salad he found in the fridge and gives me a fork. We all tuck in and it reminds me of the old times, where Shannon and I would stay up all night with a bowl of popcorn and put the world to rights. I had to open my stupid mouth.

‘How is he?’ Shannon’s face turns from joy to pity as he looks from Emily to me.

‘He’s good, he’s keeping busy; you know what he’s like, he never stops. He thinks about you all the time, you and Emily. He doesn’t talk about it but he can’t hide it from me. Last week I caught him on the computer looking at photos of you two together and the ones of Emily you sent him.’ I take a deep breath and swallow the lump in my throat.

‘Shannon, there’s something I have to tell you, I’ve met-‘

‘Emily, where are you?’ Shannon and I instantly turn to the front door and see him come in. He fake gasps and comes in the kitchen. ‘There you are!’ Emily laughs and raises her arms to be lifted up.

‘Emily, no, finish your apple.’ She protests and slaps her plate. He comes around, kisses me on head and puts him arm around my shoulder.

‘Hey baby, aren’t you going to introduce us?’ I can’t look Shannon in the eyes, I can feel his stare burn into me.

‘Harry this is Shannon, my friend. Shannon this is Harry, my uh…’ I can’t say it.

‘I’m her boyfriend I swear, she’d lose her head if it weren’t screwed on.’ Harry leans over me and extends his hand, Shannon take sit hesitantly.

‘Mummy, done done done.’ Thank god, saved by the loud impatient baby. ‘Arry, up up.’ Harry places his hands back on my shoulders.

‘In a second Emmy bear. So Shannon, how did you get to know Rae?’ I look at Shannon and try to show him how uncomfortable I am in my eyes but he hasn’t stopped looking at Emily play with her plate without a care in the world.

‘Oh we go way back. You know what? I should be getting on, I got a lot of work to do.’ He gets up from the table and come round to give Emily a kiss. ‘I’ll see you soon baby girl, ok.’ They both wave to each other and say their goodbyes. ‘I’ll uh, I’ll give you a call Rae.’ Looking to the floor I nod my head. He lets himself out without a single look back.

‘Blimey, what’s the matter with him?’ I’ve just told him I’ve met someone new even though I love we both know I’m still in love with his brother, that’s what’s wrong with him.