Just Let Me Go

I lay in my bunk and just think. Why do I let myself do this? All I ever do is cry afterwards. The boys are performing right now, I couldn't bring myself to go. I'm just...I'm not in a good place--hell, I haven't been for a few days now. Mike's been distant, I've been distant from everyone, Tony's been trying (what, I don't know), and Vic's been trying to get me to talk--as has Jaime. Lately, though, I want to be alone.
You don't know how much that scares me. When I'm alone bad things happen. To me. By me.
The bus door opens and closes. Voices carry into the back, and I fake sleeping. One set of footsteps trails into the room with me. I slow my breathing just as I feel a hand tuck a strand of hair behind my ears. The touch is light and gentle.
Tony.
I roll over, giving him a tiny smile. He looks down at me, his smile quickly falters. "What's wrong?"
"What if I said I don't know?"
"I wouldn't be able to believe that."
"Why?"
"Because you don't get upset for no reason."
"Oh..."
"Yeah, so out with it." He pushes me over (gently, of course), and climbs in the bunk with me. His arms wrap around me.
"I was thinking again..."
"What about?"
"Alexander." I whisper, hoping he can't hear me.
The way his arms tense up, I know he can--he DID. "Baby, don't worry about him anymore. He hurt you, scarred you, and we're going to help you get over that. Okay? I promise we won't hurt you like he did."
"Don't make promises you can't keep, Tone. Mike was close. Do you not realize that?"
Oops. Word vomit. Bad, bad Anastasia.
"So that's what brought him up? Mike?"
Shit. He's getting mad. Wayyyy to go. "No! No, I was just thinking in general."
"Anything else?"
"Yeah. About what Alexander said. I just don't wanna talk about it."
"But--"
No point in trying to get out of it. Way to go. I can feel the tears already forming in my eyes. "He said that I was a piece of shit. That my dad died because of me, that my mom hated me, that I'd only be good for sex and that he was preparing me for that. That I would always come back to him--no matter who I dated, I'd always choose him. When he realized that I loved my ex, he went into depression. He killed himself three months later, after raping me with his friend, and it was all my fault. I killed my brother. Slowly. Everyday." I wipe a stray tear. "Do you know what it feels like? No. Guess not. Well, it feels like a shit ton of guilt, sadness, and hate all thrown into one big bag and being shook around."
"So that's why you've been weird for the past few days..."
I nod.
Tony pulls me to him, tightening his embrace, then leans his head closer to my ear. "What he said is not true. If anything, he was a piece of shit. And you didn't kill him--or your dad. Your brother killed himself. It wasn't your fault. I promise you that."
My voice is barely audible, "According to his note, it is. My mom believed it was, too. I've failed so many people in my life, Tone, and it hurts me immensely."
"Who have you failed? Not me, not Vic, not Mike, not Jaime."
"My mom, my dad, my brother...my friends."
He kisses my cheek. "No. If anything your mom failed YOU. Your brother? He failed you AND himself. Your dad, you didn't fail him, no one did. And your friends? As far as I'm concerned, we're your friends and you haven't failed us at all."
I flip over to face him. "Then why do I feel like I have?"
"Because no one has ever told you differently. They didn't try to build you up, they tried to bring you down. Let's try not to let them succeed."
What do I love about Tony? Everything. His words, his personality, his voice, the way he can calm me...just everything. It pains me to know that we aren't anything, and at this point we probably never will be. But I have to know why.
"Tony, why haven't you made your move? Your mom, Mike, and probably everyone else, don't understand, and quite frankly, neither do I."

~~~Tony's P.O.V.~~~

Mike and everyone else? Well, that I can get. But my mom? my MOM? Yeah, I'm shocked. Stunned. I think that shocks me more than Anastasia being so forward than me. Her being forward never happens. Never. Okay, maybe every once in a while, but man...
"If you don't want to make a move, it's fine." I look up at her, pain fills her eyes, "Just stop acting like you want to."
I could beat myself for acting like such an idiot. I seriously can.
"No, it's not that. I swear. I was just waiting for a good time, and this whole tour I've been trying to come up with something to say. To do. And I just haven't. I want to make my move, but I just don't know how. Like, I DO, but I...I don't know. I'm just--"
"Not sure you want to be with me? I totally get that. I really do. I wouldn't want to get with me, either. I'm just a weird, depressing, jacked up girl. And no, I'm not trying to guilt you, I'm being honest. Can you move, please, I need to--"
"No, please just let me explain..."
"You have ten seconds."
Words. Words....I need words! Come on, Tony, just tell her how you feel. Right now. You need to do something. She's going to lose interest quickly if you don't. Hell, maybe she lost it already. No, not with the way she's talking.
My hands pull her face closer to mine, and I kiss her. There's no other way for me to apologize to her, I can't find the words to say. Her lips move with mine, but then pulls away. A tinge of guilt courses through me, but it goes away quickly.
Suddenly, she kisses me again. More gentle, soft. It quickly grows into a fiercer one. She wraps her arms around my neck, and I her waist. I pull her on top of me, and grin into the kiss. She bites my bottom lip lightly. God, that's just...
I roll over, so that now I'm on her. She smiles before I kiss her again, I can still feel her smiling as I kiss her. Her lips, so soft, so full...They're mine right now. Her hands find their way into my hair, tangling themselves in it. I bite her lip now, begging for entrance into her mouth, which she denies. Fine then. I trail kisses down her jaw line to her neck. I kiss her neck in various spots, sucking slightly at a few, when she gasps I retreat to her mouth. I take this opportunity to explore her mouth, every fricking inch of it. She tries to gain dominance, but I won't let her win. And she finally stops trying, accepting the fact that I'm in control.
Or so I thought.
Anastasia pushes me off of her, then climbs on top. She smirks at me, then begins to kiss my neck. Her lips touch my skin lightly, and she giggles as she feels me growing. Damn she's good. I feel her bite my neck gently, and moan. Real good. Now she's claimed dominance in my mouth. Her tongue finds mine, and we just go at it for a few moments like that until I break away and stare up at her.
"You're beautiful, Anastasia. I want you." She looks scared and I realize how wrong that sounds. "Oh God, NO. Not like that. Not until you want to. I should've clarified that phrase."
She lets out a laugh and covers her mouth, and rolls onto her back. "That...that would've been nice. But I knew you didn't mean it like that, I just wanted to see your reaction."
"You're evil."
"I know."
"So, Anastasia, I want you to be my girlfriend. How's that sound?"
"Well, I'd love to accept, BUT..."
There's a but?
"Only if I get to call you boyfriend."
"You don't know how much you scared the shit out of me." We both laugh. "But that sounds fine by me."
"Okay then," she kisses my nose, "it's about time you've asked me."
"Hush, I was waiting for the perfect moment."
"And mid-makeout seemed appropriate?"
"Well, yes..."

~~~Anastasia's P.O.V.~~~

HOLY BALLS FINALLY. HALE-FRICKING-LLUJAIH HE'S FINALLY ASKED ME TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND. ABOUT DAMN TIME. SWEET BABY JESUS.
I still can't believe I made out with him, though. That's weird. With the ex, I never did that. He'd only gotten as far as a kiss, with slight tongue, but Tony....Damn. What the hell was I doing? And why do I feel so comfortable doing that with him?