To Live Is Just to Fall Asleep

"I kinda like the way you tell me 'Baby, please come home. I need you here right now, I'm crying underwater so you don't hear the sound.'" - Props & Mayhem

*&*

7 days since the accident.

Date: March 20, 2010

Prognosis: Patient has shown no improvement or decline. Stable heartbeat.

*&*

Vic's Point of View:
"Vic?" I heard a soft voice question, but I made no effort to pry my sleep-laden eyes open.

There were a few seconds of silence before another, more assertive voice called my name.

"Vic? I know you're not sleeping," I recognized the voice almost immediately, my brain putting the face of my brother to the sound.

I opened one of my eyes to peer around the room, scanning the four, bare white walls before seeing Mike and Tony standing in the corner, near the threshold of the hospital room.

"What?" I asked, making sure to keep my voice low. I switched my position in the chair that I was sitting in, sitting up more instead of slouching.

"Dude, you've got to go home. Shower, sleep, eat. You know, things that life requires you to have to do," Mike joked, though his attempts at humor returned void of emotion from my side.

"I have been sleeping, I cleaned up in the bathroom down the hall, and I bought something from the vending machine about an hour ago," I answered, stifling a yawn before fixing the knitted grey beanie that was on top of my unwashed hair.

I turned my attention to look to my left side, watching as my mangled fiancée inhaled deep breaths from a tube that fed her oxygen. It killed me to look, though I often couldn't avert my gaze from the sight once it had drifted there. I felt tears spring to my eyes, much like they always do, and have for the time that I have been here.

The accident took place a week ago, and though I had only a few stitches and yellowing bruises to show for it, Ellis, my fiancée, had the brunt of it. I should've been paying more attention to the road. I shouldn't have yelled at her. I shouldn't have kept the encounter with the fan a secret from her.
I didn't even realize that a sob had wracked my body until I felt arms wrapped sternly around my shaking frame.

"It's going to be okay, man. You need to get some sleep. Go home for a while," I heard Tony's voice soothing me as he patted me on the back in an attempt to comfort me. He had been trying really hard to get me to settle down this past week, and it had pacified me a bit to know that someone was there for me. Mike and Jaime, as well. This had been hard for all of us, and I couldn't imagine any situation where it would be easier, unless of course it didn't occur.

"I have been sleeping," I repeated myself from when Mike had told me to just a few moments ago.

"Two seconds of rest until the heart rate monitor beeps does not count, Vic," Mike spoke to me.

Tony took a step back from me so I could recollect my composure. I wiped the tears from my face, sneaking a glance back to Ellie out of the corner of my eye. I stood up, wiping my palms on my jeans and adjusting my hoodie.

"Mom and Dad are coming later on," Mike's voice broke the silence that had carried on for a few seconds.

"What time?" I asked.

"They said they would be here around five," Tony answered me, and I figured that this is what they had come up to tell me.

I nodded in response, looking up at the clock that hung on the wall. It read 8:23 AM.

I rubbed my eyes a bit before sucking in a deep breath.

"I don't want to go home," I finally said, and I heard Mike and Tony both sigh in response.

"We know you don't want to, Vic. But you have to. Shower, take a nap, and pick up some food. You don't have to be gone for long if you don't want to, just take a little bit of time for yourself," Mike's voice was level, but pleading. I knew he cared and don't want to see me, or Ellie the way that we were.

"Mike, Jaime and I will stay up here. If anything happens, you will be the first to know," Tony pushed, looking down at the floor while he did so.

None of the guys left the hospital except for to change clothes, sleep, and shower. Apart from those things, they had spent every minute of every hour here with me. Without them around this past week, I would have gone insane.

“Where is Jaime, anyway?” I asked, suddenly noticing his absence.

“Trying to woo the nurse down the hall,” Tony chuckled. “He's been trying since yesterday morning,”

I laughed softly at this, though I quickly stopped. I felt bad for laughing in a situation like this.

I turned my attention back to Ellie’s still body, studying to rise and fall of her chest for a few moments before I sighed and tore my sleep-deprived eyes away from her form.

“Just for a little while, Vic,” Mike coaxed through a mouth full of Nacho Cheese Doritos.

I closed my eyes tightly and rubbed my temples, trying to decide on what I should do. I knew that I needed to at least take a shower, I probably smelled putrid. An hour long nap wouldn’t hurt, though I didn’t want to do it in fear that her condition would decline while I was away.

“Do you-” I began but Tony cut me off.

“Yes, we promise to call if something changes. Now go, Vic,” Tony demanded.

I knew to accept his demand, because they didn’t come from him often. Tony was normally a very soft-spoken person, so I knew he was being serious when he talked to me in this tone.

I nodded my head in response, grabbing my hoodie off the back of the chair I had been laying in. I zipped it up and pulled the hood over my head.

“Take my car,” Mike tossed me the keys to his car and I caught them with ease. My car was still in the shop, enduring the repairs that were needed after the accident.

I walked toward the door of the hospital room and turned to take one last glance back at the bed that Ellie laid in, and I felt tears brim my swollen eyes. I ducked out of the door before I could let the tears fall and made my way to the parking garage.

*&*

After taking a much needed shower, I walked into the bedroom that Ellis and I shared to toss on some clothes. I stepped once I stepped a few feet into the room, just taking in how it looked. A few articles of her clothing were strewn on the floor, and the duvet that laid on top of the mattress was wrinkled, her laptop next to it. One of my hoodies was laying on the bed as well, and I figured she must have been wearing it while I was away. The thought made me smile, and I picked up the hoodie and brought it to my face, inhaling her scent that left on it. She always smelled so sweet, even when she wasn't wearing perfume. I decided to wear that hoodie, along with a pair of black jeans that I found in my side of the closet.

I combed through my wet hair and took a seat on the bed, picking up my guitar that rested on the wall next to the side that I slept on. I strummed a few chords, humming something to go along with it. I played for a few minutes, trying to distract myself so that I wouldn't cry.

Being in the house without Ellie felt strange. We had shared a home together for two years, before we had gotten engaged.

Engaged, I thought. The thought alone was enough to make me break down. What if we never got to get married? A date hadn't been set, we said that we would talk about it and make it official to everyone once I had gotten home from tour. But reality hit me, and it hit me hard; if Ellie didn't pull through, there would be no wedding.

I collapsed back on the bed and buried my face in the pillows that smelled like her shampoo, and I covered them with my tears. The soft, feathery material of the pillows quieted my sobs, but not enough to make them any less real.

I needed Ellie to pull through this. Ellis was my everything. She had gotten me through some of the toughest times in my life, she had been a friend to me long before anything, and she had shown me the love that I thought I would never fully receive. She was the person in my life that had defied the odds. Ellie needed to pull through, and it made my body ache when I thought about how astoundingly real the possibility of her not surviving this was.

What felt like moments later, I heard my phone ringing from inside of my jeans pocket. It startled me, and I jumped out of bed. The light from the sun that had been bright when I returned home was now a dull sunset. I must have fallen asleep while crying.

I looked at the caller ID, a drunken picture of Mike on the toilet while on tour popping up in the background, signaling that it was indeed my brother who was calling me.

I picked it up immediately, fearing for the absolute worst once I realized that he said that he would call if anything changed with Ellie's condition.

"Mike? What's wrong?" I asked, pacing back and forth in my bedroom.

"Vic? Calm down, nothing's wrong. Mom and Dad just got here. Did I wake you up?" Mike's voice was calm, and it immediately sent a wave of relief over my body.

"You scared the shit out of me, I thought something happened," I answered, chuckling softly. "But yeah, I didn't plan on sleeping but I was just caught up and thinking and I guess I must have just crashed. But I'll be there in a few,"

"Alright, man. I don't know if you ate or not, but Mama brought over some tamales," Mike spoke, and it wasn't until he said the word "tamale" that my stomach started rumbling. I hadn't eaten anything decent in a long time.

"Okay, be there soon," I hung up the phone, looking around the room to see what I needed to grab on the way out. I grabbed the car keys, my wallet, and as I was heading out of the bedroom door, I turned back around and grabbed my guitar and my lyric notebook as well.

Once I reached the hospital, I practically bolted up to Ellie's floor and made it into her room in record time. Everyone was gathered inside, my mom sitting in a chair next to Ellie's bedside.

I walked in and everyone fell silent, and I couldn't help but to feel five pairs of eyes resting on me once I stepped foot through the door.

I set my guitar case down on the ground next to the door and then put Mike's keys on the table next to the bed.

Once I had emptied my hands, my mom and dad came rushing to my side, engulfing me in hugs and cooing things that I didn't even understand.

"I'm so sorry it took us so long to get up here, Vic. I'm so sorry this happened, sweetheart," my mom gushed while placing kisses on my cheek and wrapping her frail arms around my body.

"Look at you, son. It looks like you haven't eaten or slept in days," my dad added.

My mom then rushed over to the table that I had set the keys down on just moments before, opening a bag that was sitting there and taking tamales out of a tupperware container that was in the bag.

"Eat, sweetheart," my mom shoved the tamales towards me, and I didn't dare say no. The truth was that I really hadn't eaten in days; my dad was right. The stress and the worry combined caused me to lose my appetite and just feel repulsed by the thought of eating something, though I was well aware of the fact that I probably should have. My body didn't allow me to when I was so upset.

Mike, Jaime, and Tony were all in the room with us, all sitting in chairs facing us as I ate.

"Why'd you bring the guitar?" Jaime asked, curious.

I shrugged, trying to swallow a mouth full of tamale before I answered.

"I was playing at the house a little bit, and decided that I liked what I was starting. It wouldn't hurt to bring it, Ellie loved it when I played guitar. Maybe she'll hear it if I play," I explained, though it felt weird to voice. It sounded like I was trying to channel her back to consciousness. And maybe, in a way I was, as crazy as I sounded for it. Some part of me just thought that it might help, and maybe make her more comfortable if she could hear me, wherever she may be at this moment in time.

"I'm sure she would love that, honey," my mom smiled at me, resting a hand on my knee.

"How are the tamales? Are they still warm? Your mother made a special batch just the way you like them," my dad explained.

"Viv's tamales are always the bomb dot com," Tony laughed, Mike and Jaime agreeing with him.

"They're great Ma, thanks," I smiled, grateful of her. The tamales were cooked perfectly, and it felt so incredible to be able to stomach a meal, and one that didn't come from the hospital at that.

I was very close to both of my parents, and I knew that if we hadn't waited to tell them that it happened that they would've been here the night that it happened. I refrained from telling them until I knew for sure that Ellie wasn't going to be waking up any time soon.

"I know she knows that we're all here, somehow," my mom spoke after a moment of silence. "You know how she is, whenever she had free time she was always over by our house, helping me out around the house. I know she knows that we care about her, Vic," her voice was soft, and it made tears well up in my eyes. "She's always been like a daughter to me," my mom's voice broke then, and I looked up to see a tear sliding down her cheek.

Seeing her cry caused a whole other wave of sadness wash over me. My eyes welled up and I set my plate down on the table and enveloped my mother in my arms, trying to get her to calm down just as much as I was trying to remain calm.

I released her from my grasp, and my dad stood up to wipe away the tears that were falling down her cheeks.

"It's okay, Vivian. She'll be all right," my dad consoled her and she just nodded her head. I looked over to the guys, and they all had expressions of sadness written plainly on their faces. All of us in this room were hurting right now. Some ached for a friend, a sister. Some ached for a daughter, someone that had been in the family for countless years. I ached for my fiance, my best friend, and the love of my life. I walked over to the side of her bed, gazing over her with tears filming my eyes and blurring my vision. I took her hand in mine, the sparkle of the engagement ring I had slid on her finger a number of weeks prior catching the light from the lamp. I brought her cold fingers up to my mouth, pressing a gentle kiss into her soft flesh.

"Come home, Ellie. We need you."