Always

The house that Jimmy had once called home was dark, desolate and smelled slightly stale but aside from that, it almost looked exactly the way he had left it. He couldn’t even bear to shut the front door behind him because a part of him felt like he would be trapped in the one place he wished he never had to see again while the greater part of him thought that the fresh air may do the place some good. His heart ached as he moved through the house, the floorboards creaking in that familiar way, lending not sounds of comfort but agony that his life would never be the same. The one place that had housed so many memories was now ruined; shattered by Bailey’s flagrant disregard for their marriage and his best friend’s inability to keep his dick stowed in his pants.

He trudged begrudgingly upstairs, the wooden banister chipped here and there from the numerous times he and Jacob had thrown multiple toys down the carpeted staircase but really hitting the wood, much to Bailey’s dismay. It should have warmed his heart, those fond memories of his son playing in the house. It should have brought a smile to his face to think that Jacob would have spent his formative years in this place that Jimmy had struggled to maintain in Bailey’s persistent absence. It didn’t. It only brought heartache so profound, Jimmy thought that his heart would shatter right then and there.

He had to muster his courage to step foot into the bedroom that he had once shared with the love of his life. It took him a few deep breaths and a fierce mental kicking just to get through the threshold. He didn’t know what he was expecting to find. In the back of his mind, the image of Matt slamming himself over and over into his wife’s petite body had been burnt. He felt his stomach knot as his took in the neatly made bed, complete with the throw pillows that Jimmy hated but Bailey was so fond of. His heart sank to his knees just as the first few tears slipped down his cheeks. Here was the bed that he had made love to his wife time after time. Here was the bed that Jacob had been conceived in. Here was the bed that he used to nurse his ailing wife back to health whenever she was ill. The simplicity of the bed itself represented so much to Jimmy that he began to laugh, softly at first until it grew louder, bouncing off the walls of his once warm, supposedly love filled home.

He clutched his sides, his laughter making his ribs ache. He slid to the floor, his knees on the carpet. Tears continued to slip down his reddened cheeks as he continued, his fist pounding the floor until his knuckles hurt and slightly chaffed. He must have looked pathetic then, laughing like a loon while crying like a child. By the time his laughter subsided, Jimmy was laying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling with a dull ache in his chest. His limbs felt heavy, riddled with pain. He could have crawled onto the bed but he never wanted to touch the thing. In fact, it could be burnt and destroyed and he wouldn’t care less.

The idea of flames engulfing the one thing that now tormented him became more and more appealing as he shakily got to his feet. In fact, the idea of torching the whole goddamned house seemed like a fitting end to the joke he called a marriage. Reducing the place he had so many memories in to a pile of smoldering ash was exactly what he needed to do. A maniacal grin sprawled across his face as he pulled out a duffel bag from beneath the bed. He hastily threw all his clothes, mismatched socks and holy underwear as well, into the bag and slung it over his shoulder. He half ran to Jacob’s room and haphazardly began throwing articles of clothing, toys and little knick-knacks into the bag as well. By the time he had finished, the zipper was stuck and one side of his sock was hanging out of the end.

He flew down the stairs, taking them two at a time and dashing out of the front door, looking quite comical as he did. To his utter disgust, Matt was still lingering in the yard, looking deflated and forlorn. Jimmy couldn’t be bothered with the likes of him as he threw the overstuffed duffel bag to the ground before racing back into the house.

Flinging open the kitchen cupboard doors he scattered everything searching for the few items he needed. He pulled a large box of safety matches from one of the drawers and shoved it into the back pocket of his crinkled dress pants. Grumbling loudly as his frustration mounted he searched high and low until he found a few bottles of kerosene that he had stashed away for the barbeque pit that he only dared to use twice. With a triumphant yell he raced back upstairs and doused the bed with the flammable liquid followed by the walls and floor. He emptied the contents of the bottle everywhere, leaving a trail of deep colored liquid as he backed out of the room and down the stairs. He should have wanted to watch the bedroom burn, but his conscience kept reminding him that his son was waiting for him and that he would be no use to anyone dead.

With one final look, Jimmy pulled out five matches from the box and lit them, the sulphur tips crackling to life. He inhaled deeply and threw them to the ground, watching with twisted satisfaction as an immediate fiery trail blazed, gaining strength from its fuel source as it licked and burned everything in its path. The smell of burning wood filled Jimmy’s nostrils and before he knew it, the entire staircase was engulfed in flames. He smiled to himself, knowing that the house he once called home would soon be reduced to the intended pile of ashes. He walked out of the house, slamming the front door shut behind him and calmly walked down the worn porch steps.

The faint scent of smoke drifted into the air as he walked across the browning lawn but he stopped in his tracks when he noticed Matt staring at him. Anger so pure it threatened to consume him, welled up within Jimmy and he stalked towards Matt who stumbled back a few steps.

“I thought I told you to get the fuck off of my property.” Hissed Jimmy, his crystal blue eyes flaring with rage.

“Jimmy…I…” Matt stuttered, his eyes darting from Jimmy to the house from where smoke was curling through the windows. “What have you done?”

Jimmy brushed past the man that he had called his best friend for the greater part of his life so that he could pick up the duffel bag filled with the only things he had left to his name.

“Please…just listen to me…” Matt had never begged for anything in his life, but now, he was desperately clinging to Jimmy’s upper arm, as if that would stop the lanky man from continuing his journey back to Brian’s apartment.

With a sudden wave of adrenaline, Jimmy spun round and smashed his curled fist into Matt’s pretty face with so much force he was sure he heard something crack. He spat on the ground at Matt’s feet and gave him a withering glare, as if daring him silently to touch him again.

“You are dead to me Matt. You can rot in hell with that bitch.” Jimmy’s words were laced with so much venom that Matt blanched. Hitching his duffel bag high onto his shoulder, Jimmy walked back to the place that he would now call home with his head held high. He was going back to his son and the man that was gracious enough to take them in.

***

“You did what?!” screeched Brian causing Jimmy to jump slightly at his outburst. He expected Brian to react but he didn’t expect him to be so…..loud….about it. “You can’t be fucking serious?”

“Yup.” Jimmy said, feeling lighter and happier than he had in days.

“The cops can charge you for arson you idiot!” Brian’s brown eyes were wide with shock.

“No they can’t Brian.” Jimmy said, a hint of exasperation tainting his tone. “It would only be arson if I intend to collect some kind of compensation for the damage…which I don’t by the way.”

“Yeh, but the cops are still going to hunt you down and want answers.” Brian raked a hand through his ‘it’s supposed to look this way you nitwit…it’s called stylishly disheveled’ hair.

“So let them come. They can’t charge me if it’s my property and I’m not looking for compensation.” Jimmy took a long sip of the iced tea that Brian had made earlier with Jacob.

“But what if…” Brian looked slightly panicked but Jimmy just smiled serenely at him.

“There is no what if’s Bri.” He stated somewhat dryly. “Good riddance to bad trash.”

“Daddy…what does rib..ribdance mean?” Jacob had wandered into the kitchen, a model fire engine in his small hand.

Jimmy smiled at his son and beckoned him over so that he could be picked up and placed effortlessly onto the kitchen island that he had Brian had been talking over.

“It’s riddance Jacob and it means saying bye bye to something.” Jimmy ruffled his sons hair as a look of pure unadulterated admiration and love shone in his eyes.

“What were you saying bye bye to then?” Jacob had always been inquisitive, a trait he had clearly inherited from his father.

“The things that made your daddy sad.” Brian said when Jimmy took a little too long to answer.

“What are the things that make daddy sad?” little Jacob looked between his father and his uncle, his brows furrowing in confusion as to what on earth could possibly make his hero sad. His daddy was never sad. His daddy was always smiling and playing with him and making macaroni and cheese for him. As far as Jacob was concerned, his daddy was his hero and heroes weren’t ever sad.

Your mother made me sad Jimmy thought ruefully and one day you’ll be old enough to understand why son.

“When you grow up, you’ll understand Jacob.” Jimmy suddenly felt weary, his shoulders sagging slightly as he stood before his son. He watched as his Jacob fiddled with his toy, his innocent mind shielded from the horrors of reality.

“Daddy…” Jacob looked up and stared at his father.

“Yes son.” Jimmy forced himself to smile weakly.

“When is mommy coming home?”

It was then that time seemed to have stopped as the ground moved beneath Jimmy’s feet. The one question he hoped would have never come up inevitably had. He had no idea what he was going to tell his son. How the on earth was he supposed to tell his son that his mommy was never coming home, that they had both been abandoned by the woman they loved unconditionally.

It broke Jimmy’s heart and one day, it would break Jacob’s too.