‹ Prequel: Love Works in Mysterious Ways
Welcome to Anna's World
Chapter 7 - F.R.
Anna's PoV:
I woke up early that day. Actually I woke up several times that night. When the clock showed 5:30 I got out of bed and into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed. I went back to my room and quietly took my backpack I had for school. I took a kitchen knife out of it, which I stole from my last home and placed it on the skin of my upper waist. I know Ryan wanted me to stop doing it but it's not that easy. There were so many people who told me to stop, but over the years it's become a routine of mine. I don't want to stop doing it, because it helps me. It helps me getting away from the demons of my head. I watched the blood flow down my waist to my hips. I couldn't risk Ryan to find out so I will have to do this on places which were invisible for him. Again I looked into a mirror which was attached to the closet doors. God, I was so fat. I watched my new wound bleed more for a couple of minutes. Then I cleaned myself and hid all the evidences.
By now it was 6 o'clock. I decided to go back to bed and pulled the blanket up to my nose. The darkness of my room surrounded me and the shadows scared me. I hope there's no blood left which I forgot to wipe off, because I didn't turn the light on the whole time. I hope me being awake didn't wake up Ryan or John. By the way I didn't want to call them "dad" because they weren't. I heard some shuffling in my room, I freaked and pulled the blanket even more over me. I knew the noises that I heard were only in my head but they scared me anyway. I shut my eyes closed when the thoughts came back. All the thoughts and screams in my head that told me I was worthless, fat and ugly. They screamed that I should kill myself. I opened my eyes and saw all my inner demons rising from the shadows. Their long fingers crawled around my neck and I began to silently cry. I was such a fuck up. I held my hand on the fresh wound and fell asleep while sobbing.
I woke up when I heard a knock on my door. I slowly opened my eyes and saw the sun glistened through the curtains of the windows. I was confused and looked at my wrist who was still bandaged and okay. It was only dream again. I have been dreaming that I cut my wrists and take my life for awhile now. For a moment I thought I'd imagined the knocking, but there it was again followed by John's voice: "Anna? You awake?" - "Y-yeah", I responded with my voice a bit sore from crying. I sat up in my bed lifting up my shirt to inspect my wound. Then I heard John again surprisingly because I didn't think he had stayed there all along: "Can I come in?" He was already opening the door when I exclaimed: "N-no-o!" He quickly closed the door again apologizing. "Uhmm, when you're dressed can you come downstairs, Ryan's making some breakfast then we go shopping for some stuff for you, okay?", he said with a slightly embarrassed tone. I bet he's blushing a bit now. I answered: "O- okay." I felt a bit bad for making him feeling uncomfortable but I didn't want him to see my new wound. Finally he went downstairs leaving me for getting dressed. I tried my best to clean my wound a bit more and got dressed in jeans, tee-shirt and a hoodie. When I was about to head downstairs my phone went off. I studied the number which sent me a text. I knew the number but I just couldn't assign it to a person. I shrugged and opened the text. It said: "I am back. Where r u? -F.R." I still had no idea who this person could be. What person do I know whose initials were "F.R."? I knew one but he died some months ago. There was no way he could have sent that text obviously. The thought of him made me cry again. I quickly wiped the tears away, threw the phone on my bed and went downstairs for breakfast. Breakfast - I hated breakfast. Not because I didn't like pancakes or eggs, I just hated it because it was food. I'm too fat already. I noticed I stopped in my tracks down at the stairs. I took a deep breath and went to the kitchen and dining room.
Ryan's PoV:
I got woken up by John who then went to wake up Anna. I got dressed quickly and headed downstairs to make breakfast. When I stood in the kitchen I remembered that I didn't know what she likes or usually eats in the morning. I decided to go upstairs and ask her when I ran into John who had a slight rose shade on his cheeks. I laughed at him having a look of horror on his face: "What happened to you?" - "I just woke up Anna", he answered and continued holding on to me when I was about to walk up the stairs, "I wouldn't go there now. She's getting dressed." I laughed at him understanding that he walked in on her. "It's not funny", he mumbled against me while I'm hugging him. We went back into the kitchen and I told him about my problem of not knowing what to cook. "Just make something everybody likes", he suggested.
10 minutes later Anna came downstairs wearing casual jeans, a black Ramones tee-shirt with the white circle logo on it and a black long sleeved hoodie. She had her red dyed hair open as always and she didn't wear any make up. Even though she probably walked around like that every day, she looked naturally pretty. I smiled at her and a tiny smile appeared on her face, but disappeared when she started to look a bit nervous biting her lips. Before I could say anything John came and gently shoved her to the dining room. As always when somebody touched her she flinched. "Good morning. Have you slept well?", I heard him ask her. I turned to see her answer through the opened door and saw her standing there, wide eyed. I walked up to her standing in front of the table full of food and mumbled: "Sorry. I didn't know what food you like for breakfast, so I uhh, just made some different kinds. Just eat a bit of what you like." She seemed a bit relieved but still overwhelmed. We all sat down. She stared at all the food with anxiety. I mean I read about her having some trouble with food and eating in her file but there was no mention of a serious eating disorder or any stuff like that. I didn't think that it would be like a problem for her to choose something to eat. Helplessly I looked over at John who then spoke up: "What do you usually eat for breakfast?" She looked at her empty plate too shy to talk but we patiently waited for an answer. Eyes still focused on the plate she slowly, carefully and quietly said: "I usually just drink some juice or milk." Wow. That was the first time she didn't stutter while talking to us. She looked up at John who was sitting opposite her and I saw a light smile creep on her face when he replied: "That's alright. We have orange juice, is that okay?" She nodded and passed him her empty glass for him to fill it. She took a long gulp of it before setting the glass on the table again. What bothered me was that she didn't look at me for one second. I wondered why, usually she takes a glance at me every now and then. "Excuse me", I said and stood up going to the bathroom.
John's PoV:
I caught Anna staring at the empty seat where Ryan had been moments ago. I tried to get her attention and asked as casual as possible: "Do you want some newspaper?" - "Is he mad?", she caught me off guard asking that. "No. Sweetie, why would he?", I was wondering and hoped she didn't mind me calling her "sweetie". "Because I didn't eat any of the breakfast food he made", she blurted out. I grabbed her hand and she didn't even flinch what surprised me. "Sweetheart, he's not mad, I can assure you", I explained her. I let go of her and she took another sip of her juice. "So you didn't answer my question from before", she looked at me questioningly, obviously not knowing what I was talking about, so I quickly but calm continued, "How have you slept?". Her smile faded what made me worry. She mumbled a "fine" and looked down at her plate again chewing on her bottom lip. "Don't get me wrong but that doesn't sound very convincing", I tried to get more out of her. She sighed and mumbled: "Everything's new again and I just had trouble with falling asleep." I couldn't tell if she was telling the truth but I didn't want push things further.
Anna's PoV:
About half an hour later we were in the car driving to town for shopping. I just hoped we didn't go shopping for clothes because I hated that. Unfortunately when we arrived at the mall John went straight to the first clothing shop in sight. Ryan walked beside me behind John. "You don't like shopping for clothes, huh?", he stated after hearing me sigh. I looked up to him seeing him smile. I shook my head and sighed again. "Me neither", he quietly said and continued with a hopeful tone, "I'll try to make sure he doesn't buy too much." I smiled looking down at the floor. He reached for my hand and squeezed it slightly to make me look at him: "I'm not mad at you." I think he said some more stuff after that one sentence but I overheard it. That one sentence was already enough for me to hear. Though I didn't really know if he was telling the truth or, but I hoped he was.
"Guys come on! We have to do a lot of shopping, get over here", we heard John shouting from another corner. "By the way: John loves shopping for clothes", Ryan said with a weak laughter under his breath so only I could hear it. He won't after today, shopping with me or for me is not fun, I thought and smirked lightly. I couldn't hide it and seeing Ryan's smirk made me even giggle a little. He gently shoved me over to John who was waiting impatiently. "Okay, Ryan you go looking for some clothes over there while I'm looking here with Anna", John instructed us. Ryan shambled in the direction John pointed him. John and I went through some clothing racks while he asked me what clothes I liked to wear and mumbling about stuff what I apparently needed to have in my closet.
"How about this?", he enthusiastically chirped. He held up a pink dress which was made to be worn by a "Barbie-princess". I stared at him and thought of a good way to talk him out of it. "It's pink!", I finally exclaimed. He didn't seem to be impressed the slightest by my statement. "Yeah, so?", he laughed, "Everybody likes pink. I like pink." He looked for the right size. I glared at him. I was picky with clothes and I didn't wear everything. "I won't wear that", I said while he was already at next rack the pink dress over his arm. He turned and looked at me shortly: "Aw come on. Just try it on, we don't have to buy it if you don't like it then." I followed him through the whole store picking out clothes he thought would be suitable.
When we stood in line for the cabins I sighed. Once I was halfway in my cabin he gave me the ton of clothes he had collected through the store and I turned to glare at him. "Do not come in or sent somebody in here", I said. He nodded and sat in the little chair in front of my cabin. "And... can you please wait here until I'm finished?", I added what sounded more as a question than a request. "Sure", he simply answered.
I removed my clothes and stared at myself in the mirror. I sighed and decided to not look at myself anymore until I was wearing some clothes.
After an eternity I was finally finished. I got out of the cabin and saw John sitting in Ryan's lap on the stool. "This is okay", I held up my right arm with a good half of the clothes and then held up my other arm to show the rest of them, "and this is not." John raised his eyebrows at me: "Did you try on everything? You know I would have loved to see them on you." - "You'll see them when I'm wearing them" , I stated. He sighed and turned to Ryan: "Honey give her the stuff you found to try on." Ryan tightened his grip around John's waist and slowly said: "Umm, well..to be honest.. I couldn't find any, but I see she picked out a lot of stuff already with your help, so..so it doesn't really matter."
"Thanks for not finding any more clothes for me", I quietly told Ryan while John was at the checkout. I could hear Ryan smile and he added: "You're welcome."
When we returned home, well Ryan's and John's house, the sun was already setting down. Back in my room I realized that I should stop touching things whenever we're shopping because everything I touched, the guys bought it for me. They spoiled me way too much. I put all my new clothes in the closet, there were some really cool ones and they also bought me some band shirts we found in another store. I opened the bag with clothes and I couldn't believe what I found in there: The pink Barbie- princess dress. I was sure I put it on the pile of clothes which didn't fit, but apparently John bought it for me anyway. I was day dreaming about all the things that happened so far and I didn't hear Ryan coming in. I flinched when I could feel him touching my hand. "Sorry", he mumbled. "I just wanted to know if you like pasta with tomato sauce for dinner", he explained. I nodded and he made his way out of my room again.
Dinner was really tasty, Ryan sure could cook very well. The only thing that was quite disturbing, was that John constantly stared at me. I had no clue why so it made me a bit nervous. I decided to ignore it but when he still didn't stop when I was finished I put my fork aside and changed nervous glances between the two of them. Ryan was still focused on eating and didn't notice what was going on. Carefully I spoke up: "H-Have I done something?" Ryan looked up with concern in his eyes. He looked at John who then smiled and calmly said: "No, of course not." - "Then why were you staring at me?", I questioned looking at him confused. He mumbled a simple apology and I shrugged it off.
When it was time for me to get to bed, well not really, more like time they think it is for me to sleep, they again tucked me into bed and now both John and Ryan gave me a goodnight kiss. Finally it felt right. For the first time in my life I felt at the right place at the right time. I closed my eyes when my phone vibrated. Sighing I picked it from the night stand and looked at the number. Shock embraced me and tears shot in my eyes again. It was the same number like earlier today. The number of my dead best friend; Frank Richards. I opened the text, it said: "What's wrong Lili - Rose? Why are you not answering me? - F.R." More tears ran down my face because he was the only person in this world who called me by that nickname since he was the one who made it up all those years ago when we met. Who the fuck could this be? Some weird stalker or some sick joke? Who-or whatever it was it freaked the shit out of me. Sobbing I fell asleep.
I woke up early that day. Actually I woke up several times that night. When the clock showed 5:30 I got out of bed and into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and sighed. I went back to my room and quietly took my backpack I had for school. I took a kitchen knife out of it, which I stole from my last home and placed it on the skin of my upper waist. I know Ryan wanted me to stop doing it but it's not that easy. There were so many people who told me to stop, but over the years it's become a routine of mine. I don't want to stop doing it, because it helps me. It helps me getting away from the demons of my head. I watched the blood flow down my waist to my hips. I couldn't risk Ryan to find out so I will have to do this on places which were invisible for him. Again I looked into a mirror which was attached to the closet doors. God, I was so fat. I watched my new wound bleed more for a couple of minutes. Then I cleaned myself and hid all the evidences.
By now it was 6 o'clock. I decided to go back to bed and pulled the blanket up to my nose. The darkness of my room surrounded me and the shadows scared me. I hope there's no blood left which I forgot to wipe off, because I didn't turn the light on the whole time. I hope me being awake didn't wake up Ryan or John. By the way I didn't want to call them "dad" because they weren't. I heard some shuffling in my room, I freaked and pulled the blanket even more over me. I knew the noises that I heard were only in my head but they scared me anyway. I shut my eyes closed when the thoughts came back. All the thoughts and screams in my head that told me I was worthless, fat and ugly. They screamed that I should kill myself. I opened my eyes and saw all my inner demons rising from the shadows. Their long fingers crawled around my neck and I began to silently cry. I was such a fuck up. I held my hand on the fresh wound and fell asleep while sobbing.
I woke up when I heard a knock on my door. I slowly opened my eyes and saw the sun glistened through the curtains of the windows. I was confused and looked at my wrist who was still bandaged and okay. It was only dream again. I have been dreaming that I cut my wrists and take my life for awhile now. For a moment I thought I'd imagined the knocking, but there it was again followed by John's voice: "Anna? You awake?" - "Y-yeah", I responded with my voice a bit sore from crying. I sat up in my bed lifting up my shirt to inspect my wound. Then I heard John again surprisingly because I didn't think he had stayed there all along: "Can I come in?" He was already opening the door when I exclaimed: "N-no-o!" He quickly closed the door again apologizing. "Uhmm, when you're dressed can you come downstairs, Ryan's making some breakfast then we go shopping for some stuff for you, okay?", he said with a slightly embarrassed tone. I bet he's blushing a bit now. I answered: "O- okay." I felt a bit bad for making him feeling uncomfortable but I didn't want him to see my new wound. Finally he went downstairs leaving me for getting dressed. I tried my best to clean my wound a bit more and got dressed in jeans, tee-shirt and a hoodie. When I was about to head downstairs my phone went off. I studied the number which sent me a text. I knew the number but I just couldn't assign it to a person. I shrugged and opened the text. It said: "I am back. Where r u? -F.R." I still had no idea who this person could be. What person do I know whose initials were "F.R."? I knew one but he died some months ago. There was no way he could have sent that text obviously. The thought of him made me cry again. I quickly wiped the tears away, threw the phone on my bed and went downstairs for breakfast. Breakfast - I hated breakfast. Not because I didn't like pancakes or eggs, I just hated it because it was food. I'm too fat already. I noticed I stopped in my tracks down at the stairs. I took a deep breath and went to the kitchen and dining room.
Ryan's PoV:
I got woken up by John who then went to wake up Anna. I got dressed quickly and headed downstairs to make breakfast. When I stood in the kitchen I remembered that I didn't know what she likes or usually eats in the morning. I decided to go upstairs and ask her when I ran into John who had a slight rose shade on his cheeks. I laughed at him having a look of horror on his face: "What happened to you?" - "I just woke up Anna", he answered and continued holding on to me when I was about to walk up the stairs, "I wouldn't go there now. She's getting dressed." I laughed at him understanding that he walked in on her. "It's not funny", he mumbled against me while I'm hugging him. We went back into the kitchen and I told him about my problem of not knowing what to cook. "Just make something everybody likes", he suggested.
10 minutes later Anna came downstairs wearing casual jeans, a black Ramones tee-shirt with the white circle logo on it and a black long sleeved hoodie. She had her red dyed hair open as always and she didn't wear any make up. Even though she probably walked around like that every day, she looked naturally pretty. I smiled at her and a tiny smile appeared on her face, but disappeared when she started to look a bit nervous biting her lips. Before I could say anything John came and gently shoved her to the dining room. As always when somebody touched her she flinched. "Good morning. Have you slept well?", I heard him ask her. I turned to see her answer through the opened door and saw her standing there, wide eyed. I walked up to her standing in front of the table full of food and mumbled: "Sorry. I didn't know what food you like for breakfast, so I uhh, just made some different kinds. Just eat a bit of what you like." She seemed a bit relieved but still overwhelmed. We all sat down. She stared at all the food with anxiety. I mean I read about her having some trouble with food and eating in her file but there was no mention of a serious eating disorder or any stuff like that. I didn't think that it would be like a problem for her to choose something to eat. Helplessly I looked over at John who then spoke up: "What do you usually eat for breakfast?" She looked at her empty plate too shy to talk but we patiently waited for an answer. Eyes still focused on the plate she slowly, carefully and quietly said: "I usually just drink some juice or milk." Wow. That was the first time she didn't stutter while talking to us. She looked up at John who was sitting opposite her and I saw a light smile creep on her face when he replied: "That's alright. We have orange juice, is that okay?" She nodded and passed him her empty glass for him to fill it. She took a long gulp of it before setting the glass on the table again. What bothered me was that she didn't look at me for one second. I wondered why, usually she takes a glance at me every now and then. "Excuse me", I said and stood up going to the bathroom.
John's PoV:
I caught Anna staring at the empty seat where Ryan had been moments ago. I tried to get her attention and asked as casual as possible: "Do you want some newspaper?" - "Is he mad?", she caught me off guard asking that. "No. Sweetie, why would he?", I was wondering and hoped she didn't mind me calling her "sweetie". "Because I didn't eat any of the breakfast food he made", she blurted out. I grabbed her hand and she didn't even flinch what surprised me. "Sweetheart, he's not mad, I can assure you", I explained her. I let go of her and she took another sip of her juice. "So you didn't answer my question from before", she looked at me questioningly, obviously not knowing what I was talking about, so I quickly but calm continued, "How have you slept?". Her smile faded what made me worry. She mumbled a "fine" and looked down at her plate again chewing on her bottom lip. "Don't get me wrong but that doesn't sound very convincing", I tried to get more out of her. She sighed and mumbled: "Everything's new again and I just had trouble with falling asleep." I couldn't tell if she was telling the truth but I didn't want push things further.
Anna's PoV:
About half an hour later we were in the car driving to town for shopping. I just hoped we didn't go shopping for clothes because I hated that. Unfortunately when we arrived at the mall John went straight to the first clothing shop in sight. Ryan walked beside me behind John. "You don't like shopping for clothes, huh?", he stated after hearing me sigh. I looked up to him seeing him smile. I shook my head and sighed again. "Me neither", he quietly said and continued with a hopeful tone, "I'll try to make sure he doesn't buy too much." I smiled looking down at the floor. He reached for my hand and squeezed it slightly to make me look at him: "I'm not mad at you." I think he said some more stuff after that one sentence but I overheard it. That one sentence was already enough for me to hear. Though I didn't really know if he was telling the truth or, but I hoped he was.
"Guys come on! We have to do a lot of shopping, get over here", we heard John shouting from another corner. "By the way: John loves shopping for clothes", Ryan said with a weak laughter under his breath so only I could hear it. He won't after today, shopping with me or for me is not fun, I thought and smirked lightly. I couldn't hide it and seeing Ryan's smirk made me even giggle a little. He gently shoved me over to John who was waiting impatiently. "Okay, Ryan you go looking for some clothes over there while I'm looking here with Anna", John instructed us. Ryan shambled in the direction John pointed him. John and I went through some clothing racks while he asked me what clothes I liked to wear and mumbling about stuff what I apparently needed to have in my closet.
"How about this?", he enthusiastically chirped. He held up a pink dress which was made to be worn by a "Barbie-princess". I stared at him and thought of a good way to talk him out of it. "It's pink!", I finally exclaimed. He didn't seem to be impressed the slightest by my statement. "Yeah, so?", he laughed, "Everybody likes pink. I like pink." He looked for the right size. I glared at him. I was picky with clothes and I didn't wear everything. "I won't wear that", I said while he was already at next rack the pink dress over his arm. He turned and looked at me shortly: "Aw come on. Just try it on, we don't have to buy it if you don't like it then." I followed him through the whole store picking out clothes he thought would be suitable.
When we stood in line for the cabins I sighed. Once I was halfway in my cabin he gave me the ton of clothes he had collected through the store and I turned to glare at him. "Do not come in or sent somebody in here", I said. He nodded and sat in the little chair in front of my cabin. "And... can you please wait here until I'm finished?", I added what sounded more as a question than a request. "Sure", he simply answered.
I removed my clothes and stared at myself in the mirror. I sighed and decided to not look at myself anymore until I was wearing some clothes.
After an eternity I was finally finished. I got out of the cabin and saw John sitting in Ryan's lap on the stool. "This is okay", I held up my right arm with a good half of the clothes and then held up my other arm to show the rest of them, "and this is not." John raised his eyebrows at me: "Did you try on everything? You know I would have loved to see them on you." - "You'll see them when I'm wearing them" , I stated. He sighed and turned to Ryan: "Honey give her the stuff you found to try on." Ryan tightened his grip around John's waist and slowly said: "Umm, well..to be honest.. I couldn't find any, but I see she picked out a lot of stuff already with your help, so..so it doesn't really matter."
"Thanks for not finding any more clothes for me", I quietly told Ryan while John was at the checkout. I could hear Ryan smile and he added: "You're welcome."
When we returned home, well Ryan's and John's house, the sun was already setting down. Back in my room I realized that I should stop touching things whenever we're shopping because everything I touched, the guys bought it for me. They spoiled me way too much. I put all my new clothes in the closet, there were some really cool ones and they also bought me some band shirts we found in another store. I opened the bag with clothes and I couldn't believe what I found in there: The pink Barbie- princess dress. I was sure I put it on the pile of clothes which didn't fit, but apparently John bought it for me anyway. I was day dreaming about all the things that happened so far and I didn't hear Ryan coming in. I flinched when I could feel him touching my hand. "Sorry", he mumbled. "I just wanted to know if you like pasta with tomato sauce for dinner", he explained. I nodded and he made his way out of my room again.
Dinner was really tasty, Ryan sure could cook very well. The only thing that was quite disturbing, was that John constantly stared at me. I had no clue why so it made me a bit nervous. I decided to ignore it but when he still didn't stop when I was finished I put my fork aside and changed nervous glances between the two of them. Ryan was still focused on eating and didn't notice what was going on. Carefully I spoke up: "H-Have I done something?" Ryan looked up with concern in his eyes. He looked at John who then smiled and calmly said: "No, of course not." - "Then why were you staring at me?", I questioned looking at him confused. He mumbled a simple apology and I shrugged it off.
When it was time for me to get to bed, well not really, more like time they think it is for me to sleep, they again tucked me into bed and now both John and Ryan gave me a goodnight kiss. Finally it felt right. For the first time in my life I felt at the right place at the right time. I closed my eyes when my phone vibrated. Sighing I picked it from the night stand and looked at the number. Shock embraced me and tears shot in my eyes again. It was the same number like earlier today. The number of my dead best friend; Frank Richards. I opened the text, it said: "What's wrong Lili - Rose? Why are you not answering me? - F.R." More tears ran down my face because he was the only person in this world who called me by that nickname since he was the one who made it up all those years ago when we met. Who the fuck could this be? Some weird stalker or some sick joke? Who-or whatever it was it freaked the shit out of me. Sobbing I fell asleep.