These Secrets Are Killing Me

The smell of coffee and the sunlight beaming through the little window is what I woke up to. I heard heavy footsteps on the floor above me, and the clattering of pans and pots. Sleeping in my Dad's room was awkward and took some getting used to. His room was just like mine, covered in clothes and a mess. Throwing the blankets off my body, and sitting up I shivered as the cold hit my bare arms and legs. The second my feet hit the cold tile floor, I nearly screamed. I ran up the stairs and straight into the kitchen. Nearly knocking over Grams in the process.

"Jessica go put some clothes on.Your going to freeze to death" She said. I looked down at my body and rolled my eyes.

"Grams this is clothes, and I'll be okay." I said, grabbing a cup from the cupboard.

"What ever. Your Father called and said he'd be here in about an hour. Eat your breakfast and go get changed." Pouring myself some coffee and grabbing a plate from sink, I looked at the food and felt my mouth water. She had made me pancakes, sausages, eggs, and toast. I swear living with my Grandma made me gain so much weight. Piling all of what I could fit on my plate, and grabbing my coffee I sat down at the table.

"Grandma can you hand the syrup please." I asked, grabbing a link of turkey sausage and sticking in my mouth. She handed me the syrup and a napkin to go with it. I lathered my pancakes with syrup and even put some over my eggs and sausage. Since Grandpa was on a diet Grandma made him so oatmeal and gave him a glass of orange juice.

"Donna why can't I eat like Jesse?" He asked, walking into the kitchen. He looked at my food and I swear I thought he was going to pounce. He licked his lips and made a low growling sound. Grandpa was a mad man when it came to breakfast.

"Donald have you seen her? She's skin and bones, she has to eat. And as for you, you have the worlds highest cholesterol now eat and shut up." She said, placing his stuff on the table. I nearly died from laughing so hard. I fucking loved my grandparents, they always argued but in the end of the day they still loved each other. Grandpa made a face behind Grandma's back and I choked on my coffee from laughing.

"I saw that Donald." Grandma warned. All of a sudden we heard the front door swing open, someone muttering underneath their breath. I wasn't sure if it was Uncle Mikey or my Dad.

"Mom!" They called out.

"In the kitchen!" She yelled. I was still lost as to who it was. Finally when I could see who it was I tried to cover myself up. Grandma and Grandpa didn't care if I showed off my body, they always said if you got it flaunt it. My Dad on the other hand, didn't like it so much.

"Jesse! Go put some clothes on." Dad said, covering his eyes.

"Oh grow up Gerard!" Grandpa said.

"Dad, that is my daughter. I prefer to see her when she is covered head to toe in clothes."

"Dad do you want the rest of my breakfast?" I asked, standing up and walking out of the kitchen.

"Yeah I'll eat it. And hurry up and change we have to be at the court in less than an hour."

"What?! I have to shower, and get my hair ready. Ugh this fucking sucks." I said, earing myself a hit on the shoulder from Grandma.

"No ma'am. Young ladies do not talk like that to their parents. Now listen to your Father and go get dressed." She said. I rolled my eyes and just ran down the stairs and into the basement. Grabbing a towel from the closet and my shampoo from my bag, as I waited for the water to warm up I grabbed my clothes. I grabbed my new skirt, that I just recently bought from Hot Topic. Along with those I grabbed my new top I got from Hot Topic as well. I just basically bought my whole outfit for court at Hot Topic.

===*===

Applying eyeliner to my eyes and jamming out to Dad's Smashing Pumpkins C.D. I could hear Dad yelling at my to hurry up, or we'd be late. If we were late it wouldn't be my fault. I mean he should have told me to start getting ready a long time ago. Pulling my hair into a pony tail and letting my bangs cover my left eye, I deemed myself ready. Grabbing my boots and turning off the stereo, I walked up the stairs and heard all of them gasp.

"What do I look bad? I could always take down my hair." I said. I noticed that Dad was wiping tears away from his eyes, and Grandma was patting him on the back.

"No Jesse you like fine. You just look so much like your Mom, back when she was in college." Dad said. I took that as a good thing, and smiled.

"Well thank you." I said, grabbing my boots from the floor. I went over to the main closet and grabbed my jacket, and socks.

"You ready Jesse?" Dad asked.

"Yeah, lets go." In no way was I ready for my parents to get divorced, but there was nothing I could do. I just waved goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa and walked out the door. My boots in hand, my jacket thrown over my shoulder Dad pushed me out of the house and out my comfort zone. I knew I would have to testify against my Mother, I knew I would have to pick who I would live with. I knew that my Mom was going to be sent to rehab, I knew that I was going to be sent to live with my Father. I knew a lot of this, and I knew mostly everything I would be asked. But I didn't know it would hurt this much.

===*===

"Jessica is it true that your Mother left you alone with men in the house?" Dad's lawyer asked. I think his name was Smith, or something like that.

"Yes." I didn't understand why the fuck I had to testify, it wasn't like I was the one who wanted the divorce.

"Is it also true that your Mom, left you alone to fend for yourself at the tender age of ten."

"Um...well that was six years ago. I really don't think this applies, and if she did what does it matter. My Mom is a good Mother, despite what you say. Sure she has her flaws but who doesn't." The tears just came from out of nowhere. Right now they were trying to prove that Mom was an unfit Mother. Did I agree with them, fuck yes. She was an unfit Mother, but did that change how I felt towards her?

"Are you ready to continue Jessica?" I shook my head yes.

"One more question Jessica. Didn't your Mom place her drugs into your room. Didn't your Mom make everyone believe that you were a drug addict, just to keep her own secret safe." It was more like a statement, and all I could was just shake my head yes. I looked up from my hands and looked across the room and right at Mom. The hatred in her eyes, and the pure anger was enough to make me shiver in my seat. Her eyes were cold, and lifeless. Here I am trying to defend to the court that My Mom wasn't a bad Mom and here she was proving me wrong. If looks could kill I'd be in a casket right now.

"No more questions your honor." I was free. I jumped down from the seat and walked back over to Dad. All of my uncles were there and all of them were called up to the stand. All of them were asked the same question. Dad's trembling voice was forever embedded in my brain, he looked so broken up there on the stand. When they asked him how Mom's parenting was, he told them the God honest truth it sucked.

"Can both lawyers step up to the bench." The judge said. Both lawyers looked their clients and said the same thing. We won.

Since Mom and Dad signed a prenup they didn't have to worry about the fight for money. The only thing they had to worry about was who got sole custody of me. I sat back in my seat and grabbed Dad's hand. He squeezed my hand and brought it to his lips.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this Jesse. I'm so sorry." He said, whispering the words.

"Daddy its okay. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine." Lie. My heart was breaking slowly, and when they do announce the divorce is final I'll be nursing two broken hearts. Mine and Dad's. I could feel my tears free falling down my face, as I looked over at my Mom. She was crying too. Dad was trying his hardest not to cry, as I wiped my tears away I heard the lawyers making their way back to us.

"May the court stand. I have come to a resolution, now this isn't a happy resolution but it is in best interest of the child. As much I would love to see this child leave here happy, I have feeling she won't. No matter how hard I've tried to make this fit for both parents, I just can't. Based on the information I've received and heard from the witness' I feel this decision is what is best for this child to continue a normal and safe life." I wish he'd hurry up and get this over with.

"Gerard and Lindsey for this child to continue to live in such a chaotic lifestyle would be crazy. I feel that what I've ordered will help your daughter live a normal life," My palms began to sweat, and I could feel my breakfast making its way back up. "Now I understand that ever child needs both a Father and Mother figure to look up too, but I feel it is in Jessica's best interest to live with her Father." Dad let out a sigh of relief and his tears streamed down his face.

"Gerard I have granted you sole custody of Jessica Lynn Way. And as for you Lindsey, I am sending you to a rehab facility. Now when you complete your stay and can stay clean we will have another custody hearing to discuss the visiting rights."

"Um..sir. Jesse and I are moving out to California." Dad said.

"We will discuss this when the time is right, as for right now court is dismissed."

===*===

Six Months Later

"Dad!" I yelled, shooing Spidey away from my feet.

"DAD!" I screamed this time. It's been six months since the divorce and in those six months,
Dad's changed. He's become depressed, and won't leave his room. I feel like I'm taking care of my Mom again. Speaking of her last I heard Mom had relapsed in rehab, and now she has to wait even longer to see me. I dropped my backpack on the floor. My ring sparkled as the sun hit it, and it tug at my heart. Not only as my family life come to a stop, my relationship was put to the test.

"Goddammit. DAD!!" I screamed one more time.

"I'm upstairs Jesse!" He screamed back, I ran up the stairs and knocked on his door.

"It's open." He said. I opened the door and walked over to his bed and sat down.

"Jesse I have to tell you something important." He said.

"What?"

"I have to get away for awhile Jesse. I have to get my mind straight, and I can't put you through anything else." My cuts on my wrist twitched and itched to be slashed open, I knew were this was going.

"Daddy please," I said, the tears streaming down my face.

"You've done so well at keeping yourself clean from cutting," If only he knew what I do while he's asleep. I haven't stopped cutting, and I probably won't. I've lead everyone to believe that I've stopped. "That I feel that if you were to relapse it would be because of me, I couldn't live with that guilt. So I've talked to Frank and Jamia and they said they wouldn't mind taking you in till I get back." I let out a sob and grabbed his bedsheets with both my hands.

"Daddy please you can't leave me." I cried.

"Jesse I have your stuff packed, we have a flight to catch back to Jersey." He picked me up and carried me bridal style to my room. He set me down on my bed and grabbed my bags. I rolled myself into a ball as I continued to cry my heart out.

===*===

Hours Later

Pulling into the driveway, I could feel my tears welding in my eyes once again. I looked over at my Dad and just let out a small whimper. "Jesse please, don't make this harder than it has to be." He said, his own eyes became glossy with tears.

"Can't you just take me with you, please. I can't handle losing another parent."

"Jesse your not losing me, and you haven't lost your Mother. I just have to get away and clear my mind, I'm sorry. Please you have to understand this, please Jesse." He begged. I unbuckled my seat belt and opened the door, ignoring his pleas for me to understand. I couldn't understand why he has to abounded me, just so he can clear his mind. It wasn't right, it isn't right. He got out of the car and walked to the trunk and got out my bags.

Grabbing my hand so I wouldn't run away we walked up the stairs and towards the front door.
With each step my heart broke a little more. When he knocked on the door, my heart rate picked up. I didn't want my Dad to leave me, I didn't want to stay with Uncle Frank and Aunt Jamia. I wanted to stay at home with my Father and dog. We had to sell Spidey because Dad didn't know how long he'd be gone, and Jamia didn't want any other animals in her house. When they answered the door I let my tears fall and tried to break out of my Father's grip. "Jesse stop it." Dad said.

"No! Why do you have to leave? Why?!" I yelled, falling to my knees. It wasn't right, he shouldn't be leaving me.

"Jesse get up! Stop making this harder than it should be. I'll be back I promise. Please just don't make this harder that it should be." He begged. Uncle Frank and Aunt Jamia stood outside watching all this go down.

"No! Please Daddy you can't leave, please you have to stay." I begged, still on the floor.

"Frankie help me please." Dad cried out. I felt Uncle Frank's hands rest on my shoulder as he tried to pull me up from off the floor.

"Jesse it'll be okay. Calm down." He said, rubbing small circles in my back. I cried into his shoulder and just ignored everything he said.

"I've gotta go. I have to leave, Frank please take care of my daughter." I heard Dad say. I watched as Dad walked away from me, and out of my life. When he reached the car he turned around and blew me a kiss goodbye. I screamed out for him to come back, and for him not to leave me. His own tears were streaming down his face, as mine were blinding my vision. I feel limp against Uncle Frank's body, and I just sobbed.

"Shh... Jesse. He'll be back I promise." Uncle Frank said. I just shook my head no, and let out a small whimper. This moment would change my life forever, and my life would never be the same. I will always blame my Dad for what happens in my life. He wouldn't have left me none of this would have ever happened.