Such Sweet Nothing

“Bruce! Stop! Don’t-“ My last words were lost as the gunshot rang through my ears.

“No! No, no, no” I chanted the words as my legs seemed to stop moving, my legs gave out and I hit the dirt with all of my weight.

“Bruce.” A roar unlike anything I had ever heard ripped through the air. I gasped as a huge, green figure stood in the spot I saw my best friend commit suicide. He turned to look at me and we locked eyes-

“Kylie? Kylie, wake up!” I shot up in my bed, knocking heads with someone as I gasped for air.

“Whoa, whoa.” I felt like I was having a panic attack as Bruce turned on my bedside lamp. His face looked grim as he sat back down on the edge of the bed and placed his hand on my shoulder.

“Hey, it’s okay.” I let my hands run through my hair and stop as I gripped at my head. The sobs in my dream were rocking my body in real life. I couldn’t seem to stop crying no matter how many times I had that nightmare.

“Were you dreaming about what happened in the lab today? I can go get someone else if you’re uncomfortable with me here.” I shook my head and reached out for him as I kept my face hidden against my knees, which were drawn up to my chest.

“Don’t go.” I choked out. He grasped my hand in his tightly and placed his other hand on the back of my head.

“Okay, I won’t. I’m staying.” It was silent in the room with the exceptions of me crying and Bruce breathing deeply.

“If you weren’t dreaming about today why were you screaming at me to stop?” His voice sounded concerned.

“Kylie, why were screaming at me to stop?” His tone had changed from concerned to sheer panic. I lifted my head up to look at him.

“Oh, Ky.” He took in a short breath and breathed out as he grabbed my face in his hands and tried to wipe away the tears. He pulled me into his shoulder so my face was resting against his neck.

“What did you see?” He asked. I knew he was too smart for his own good.

“When you tried to kill yourself in Calcutta.” As I said the words I felt myself start to cry harder. Like he really needed to feel any more guilt.

“I’m sorry.” I let out as I tried to regulate my breathing; I let out an involuntary shudder in my tone.

“Why are you apologizing, I’ve managed to somehow make it worse. I always make everything worse.” I gripped the front of his shirt in case he tried to leave.

“You didn’t know I was-“ My breathing wasn’t back to normal and I was having a hard time talking. “I was there.” His arms were still around me but I felt them begin to loosen.

“I don’t know what to do.” I pulled him closer to me and he re-gripped his arms around me and I felt like I could relax, for now.

“Just stay here with me.” He rested his face against the side of my head.

“That’s why he remembers you.” I heard him mutter. “He remembers you saw what I did and you were there and I had no idea.”

“But you’re here now and you’re not dead.” I stated the obvious, I felt so tired and drained of everything.

“I should be.” I shook my head in the crook of his neck.

“No, you should be here. You’re where you are supposed to be.” He reached one of his hands up to brush my hair off of my neck.

“I’m too selfish for you. If I knew what was best for you I would have walked away that night.” I felt a chill down my spine.

“I am so sorry for what I did to you. I shouldn’t have slept with you; I should have left and-“ He was drawing small circles at the base of my neck as I concentrated on the sensation.

“You regret it?” I asked timidly as I breathed in deep.

“No, I don’t regret any moment I have ever spent with you. Especially not that night.” His carotid artery pulse was soothing as it beat in time with his heart.

“But if I really cared for you like I say I do, it shouldn’t have happened.” He was speaking quietly into my ear now.

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” I said as I let my grip loosen on his shirt.

“I’m sorry for all of the shit I put you through, you deserve better than that.” I lifted my head up to look at him as he let the hand that was drawing circles come to rest on the left side of my neck.

“I do, which is why you can’t leave.” He looked confused.

“I deserve the chance to make you stop hating yourself. That’s what I want in exchange for you putting me through all of this.” I saw his eyes brim with tears.

“You deserve more than me.” His sad smile was pointed towards the floor as he spoke.

“No, I deserve you just as you are.” He pulled my head forward and planted a kiss on my forehead.

“I’ll be in to wake you up in an hour.” He disentangled himself from me as he stood up and readjusted my pillows.

“Bruce-“ He held up his hand.

“We can talk more when I’m sure you don’t have a concussion.” He pushed my shoulder so I was lying back down. He shut off my bedside lamp as if to say ‘that’s that and I don’t want to discuss this further’. I never knew how much shutting off a lamp could ruin my night.