Beneath You're Beautiful

***Nadia***

It feels good to share a secret with somebody, isn’t it? So you have somebody you can speak to, ask for help or gossip. Well that’s a generally spoken true all around the world, that’s what other people think. In ordinary life you’d feel relaxed, happy or I don’t know how good feelings you’d have but that’s not working in my life. It would be too easy for this family to live a normal life. And why am I so melancholy? It’s simple. I said it to my mom. And here’s the effect to my big mouth.

Here I am, sitting on a couch and waiting patiently for mom to tell something. Anything! After I told her everything she stayed suspiciously quiet. It’s been whole two minutes (and I count it) while she is in this state. I should have known that wasn’t a good thing to tell her about Sidney.

And when I said everything about Sidney I mean everything. That includes how we first met, what we spoke about, where we went for the first time, what happened after Iľja left. And if it wasn’t enough for the first time I had to describe our first date once again. Firstly I told my brother, then my mother. Who’ll be next? If it goes like this, my family can stand in the queue for details. Well but that doesn’t mean I would tell them anyway. But after all she is my mother and so she has rights to know that.

Right?

When she finally opens her mouth to answer my unspoken question she has to shuts it down again because the third period starts before she had a chance to tell something. So for some time, there’s no chance to talk about it. If you think that there would be a tension between us then you’re totally wrong. It’s hard to be tensed when we are cheering for the same team. Yeah, we don’t have time for a “meaningless” talk. Even if I’m sure we will come back to that theme. And I will regret anything I said her before.

Why for the Christ sake I wanted to watch hockey? Yeah I know that I promised Sidney that I would, and well I enjoy watching hockey. Doesn’t matter to me if it’s NHL or KHL. Alright, that’s not the right question I asked. The right question is: Why to the hell I agree to watch hockey with my mom? Yeah that’s it.

“What are you doing?” mom shouts at the same time as I throw a paper ball on the TV and yell “Watch your stick!” How that bloody hell player can play in NHL if he can’t watch his own stick? And I’m not accepting some stories that it can happen to anybody. It’s a story for referees not me.

Only one look on my right side and I can easily say that mom has the same thoughts as me. She’s frowning at the TV, ready to tear the referee at any moment if he makes a bad decision. Well what can I say, I’m after her. And sometimes I can’t decide if it’s good or not. How can I decide if strong headed, confident, impatient, childish behavior is good?

My father is cocksure that it is the worst personality I could get to from my mom. Otherwise mom thinks its best so I wouldn’t be lost in the world. For my own sake I didn’t ask my brothers for their opinions. Well after all I can be thankful that I have some feature after dad as well. However I’m sure I just inherit all evil traits after both of my parents

The game is over and pens win 4:3. And Sidney scored. And assisted to Malkin and Talbot but still scored himself. So it is easy to score a goal for a wish. And he would persuade me that it’s not. Wait till I’ll speak to him. Ha! He would regret scoring me a goal. It’ll be so amusing to make fun of him.

The last time I made fun of somebody was last month. And well it was of Piotr. He hated me for weeks. But it was entirely his fault. Who wouldn’t laugh at his comment? Well I was. We were watching some documentary about African women and he asked if they had pink cunt. And after he said that he was angry at me that I had courage to make fun of him. Even his own twin brother told that Piotr had asked for it and I just couldn’t hold back my comment.

When I think about it maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on Sidney. Not so soon. It’s been just a few weeks and I don’t know if he would understand my ‘rude mouth’. Don’t you think? My thoughts come back to playroom in my parents’ house. Mom turns to me looking like a predator that is waiting for her prey. Or even better similitude is; she is looking like a mother who’s going to scold her child. How accurately, don’t you think?

“So, about your situation with your beloved.” as soon as she said it my eyes almost popped out. This is what I was talking about. My mom’s imagination is bigger than a four-years-old girl. All she needs is one look and her imaginary starts to work on full speed. Like right now when she thinks it’s the most romantic relationship between Sidney and I. “What are you talking about, mom? He is NOT my beloved.” I put emphasis on the word not so she would know how serious I am.

“Whatever you’d like to hear ‘daughter’,” this time she has to emphasize that I am her daughter and that means that I should take her seriously without stopping her in the middle of her sentence when she has something on her heart. It has to do something with her I-am-your-mother-and-you-would-do-as-I-said-without-comments thing. “Sidney is a good guy from what I know,” I look at her suspiciously. What does she mean by what she knows? She must have done something I don’t know. It wouldn’t be she if she didn’t do something behind my back. “and I trust him enough to give him my only daughter to cherish her and take care of.” Mom finishes her sentence smiling like an idiot.

To say the truth I am surprised to hear she said such a thing and by her expression I’m sure she means it. Every word she said she meant. Well one problem is solved. There comes another one. How the hell should I tell it dad? What dad? How should I tell it to my brothers? Especially twins? They’re going to kill me. Literally!

I know that it’s simple. Just sit them down and tell it aloud and quickly so they wouldn’t understand. First they’ll be surprised, then confused, angry and at the end perhaps they’d be happy for me. But as longer I think about, I can say that I can say goodbye to the last option.

And what if it’s nothing? What if Sidney plays with me? If I misread his actions? The last thing I want to hear from my brothers is ‘I told you so’. OK, I think I start panicking. My breathing becomes hard and all I could think of are some bad scenarios inside my head. I couldn’t even register mom’s hand on my shoulder until I heard her sweet soft voice.

“Nadia, look at me!” she ordered and I do as she told with wide eyes full of worry about what can happen if I let my walls down. “Nadia, stop overthinking. Overthinking sucks! Remember?” I nod slowly, remembering what I have written on a wall in my room.

I wrote it there when I was around sixteen and my Science teacher told me that I wasn’t thinking enough because I wrote some equation bad. When I showed it to that he said this historical sentence ‘Thinking sucks’ well and I just did a little trim.

“Look darling, I know you’re careful because of how you were brought up by your brothers but no every man is like they told you. Not every man is like they described them. For every woman there’s a prince. And yes I know its cliché.” She added after she saw my look. ‘She knows me too well.’ I smiled to myself.

“I remember all those fairy tales where Cinderella was fooled by prince who wanted to dance and then married her sister. I remember sleeping beauty who hit her prince because he took advantage of her while sleeping. Or how good was queen in Snow White because the main character Snow White lived with seven men. Don’t worry I remember all of them.” She chuckles. Those are my favorite memories at all. And without any doubts my mom’s too.

I remember being small little girl around six lying in my bed waiting for fairy tales to be said so I could sleep in peace with lot of dreams. At my memory, guys were sitting next to my bed and always one of them was telling me the story but it never was an ordinary one. I remember that Mikhael was always telling me a Sleeping Beauty. He had a talent for telling stories and well I loved it when he was the one who was telling them to me.

In his version of the Sleeping Beauty the prince was the bad boy who didn’t know what to do with his free time. So instead of studying his royal duties he was taking advantage of innocent girls (his subjects) who couldn’t defend themselves. One day the prince heard of one princess who was in deep sleep and he chose to make that girl his. But he thought wrong. When he finally got in the castle, found sleeping beauty and kissed her, nothing went as he firstly thought. Princess woke up, looked to his eyes and instead of grateful words he got slap across his face. Yeah my childhood was great.

“The point is that there’s nothing wrong to love somebody.” I scrunched my nose at the word love. Who says something about love? Maybe I really love him or fell for him but that doesn’t mean he feels the same. And that doesn’t mean he ever would feel the same. Mom notices changes in my attitude. Like always she knows what I’m thinking and that I’m locking myself in.

“Don’t do this to yourself, Nadia. Don’t block Sidney out. He is a really good guy and I’m sure he has deep feelings for you that he is starting to learn about.” She said with calm voice and stands up slowly leaving the play room but then she muttered more to herself then to my ears but unfortunately for her I heard it. “I kill those men who are my sons with their father in the lead.” I chuckle at that. Looks like dad’s going to get a talk from mom once again. When he finally learns his lesson? Correct answer is never.

I turn off the TV set and catch my mom up in the kitchen. She is making two protein drinks. I look at it confused. What is she doing? Like on clue her eyes raise from drinks to me and she smile sweetly at me. She definitely wants something. I know from drinks that she plans to visit gym but she was there yesterday so there’s no need to go again today. Especially when she expects me to go with her. Yeah, definitely she wants something from me.

“Come on Nadia, we should go sweat that popcorn we ate.” My suspicion increases just a little more by her sweetness. Go to work out because we ate popcorn? I used to eat a lot more junk food and she let it go. It looks like I can only wait and find out what it is she has on heart. I go to change myself for something comfortable and do my hair in ponytail so it wouldn’t stay in way.

Since I was around 12 my mom and I go to gym. We consider it as our time alone when we can say what we want without interruption of men in our household. We found here this amazing fitness center right in the center of the town so it takes a little more to get there but it’s worth it. They have pretty modern equipment high-voted personal trainers and handsome boys everywhere. All of them are candies for my eyes and I don’t talk about my mom. More than once I teased her about it, after all she is married woman and mother of six children but she just reminds me that she’s still a woman.

We were greeted by manager when we entered room. Mrs. Ranadova it is. I’ve known her since I first was here but I didn’t see her much here. Sometimes I see her only once a year but we are not any close so it’s not like I miss her in any way. I would say otherwise! She seems to me pretty rude and I can’t stand her but as I said before we aren’t close so I can’t judge her by only look. Well but what would you think of woman who is married to man who is older about 20 years? And always when I saw her she is wearing shorts which doesn’t cover half of her butt and so tight tank top that her breast are up to show. Think whatever you want but for me she is a wreck.

My mom knows about my feelings towards that woman so that’s why she bursts out laughing like crazy woman when she entered the locker room. “That look on your face was…” she doesn’t finish because she laughed so hard. Even tears find their way to her eyes. Wouldn’t you love her? Because I do.

During our work out we were silence. I was waiting for mum to say something, to start with some conversation and she seems to be deep in her thoughts. I don’t think she knows neither what to say. After some more exercise were done mom finds her tongue again and starts to talk about whatever she has to. I have this really bad feeling about what she wants to talk about and I have no more energy for that.

“So back to your future boyfriend.”

I rolled my eyes at her. Of course she has to return to this. I could await it. She will bring it back till I tell her what she wants to hear. Even if it isn’t true she will be teasing you till you give up. And right now I think I will give up. I sighed and looked at her to get her to know that she can continue on her thoughts.

“Oh my, stop being so complicated.” She grumped and rolled her eyes. I let out a chuckle and she looks at me with knowing look I-can-still-make-you-smile-because-I-am-your-mother. This is the way we have it. This is how we can survive just like two girls in the household full of men.

“Mom you know everything about it so what more do you wish to learn about?” I asked starting to get a little irritated by her. Well not by her but b this topic. I know mom wants to know everything but I told her hat already.

“Firstly stop rolling your eyes. You know how much I hate it. Secondly, I know you told me everything beside your own feelings and how will you tell it to your father.” At the last part she winked at me. All I manage to do is to stare. Is she serious right now? I continue to stare at her half expecting her to start laughing but she hast this serious façade not bucking away. So she really is serious.
“Mom, you can’t mean it!” I state. I was in such a shock that I didn’t even realize what she asked for with her firstly said sentence. What was that? My feelings? Well I don’t have to say her that. She already knows and if doesn’t she has something in her mind.

“Of course I mean it baby girl. You know too well that lie dad is the biggest mistake what you can make. I get it that you don’t want to tell your brothers but you can’t lie them. Not your father. He will flip off if he knows.” Yeah I know he will flip off but not out of happiness. But mom has rights. I have to tell him about Sidney someday and sooner will be better than later.

“I know mom. I know.” I said with sad sighed. I looked to my right side to see mom looking at me questionable. She won’t forget anything. I take a deep breath to get ready for what I am going to say. When I think about it, it is something I feel inside of my heart but I would never say that aloud until now. I think it over and over again and I conclude that it’s nothing bad at it. How I said before, this is how I feel it. I take another breath and look directly in her eyes when I said what I have on my heart.

“I think I might love him, mom.”