Spirit Desire

“Did you find out what song they chose for their first dance?” Leone asked.

“No, Natalie didn’t tell me. She had been asking me what I would have or what songs I found romantic and I swear if she picked my ideal wedding song I will pretend I’m okay with it. Then, after she’s had the baby and it’s not so dependent on her I will punch her in the face, I swear.”

Leone laughed loudly, “what song would you want at your wedding?” he asked and took a sip of the glass of white wine that had been placed in front of us a few minutes ago.

“Into My Arms by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds,” I answered quickly, “have you ever heard it?”

He shook his head, “I’m afraid not,” he answered, “I don’t know who that is.”

“That’s a shame,” I sighed. I wanted him to have heard it so I could gush about it and have him know exactly what I meant when I talked about it. “It’s the most romantic song ever recorded. It’s so simple, no frills, no exaggerations just a man declaring his love for a woman. There’s no other song I would get married to.”

“I’ll have to hear it sometime,” he said.

“You need to, it’s the perfect love song,” I agreed, “what would you have at your wedding?”

He gave me a questioning look before answering, “isn’t it the girls job to decide that stuff about the wedding?”

“I guess so, but you could always have an idea of what you would want to dance to. You get me?” I asked.

He took a sip of water and remained silent for a few moments before speaking, “E Penso A Te, then.”

“A song in Italian? No one will understand it,” I smiled. “Why that song?”

He shrugged, ”I know, my family will be the only ones to understand that one. The song choice changes all the time. I think you decide on a song with whatever situation you’re in with the other person you know? It has to reflect the relationship.”

“That’s interesting, I’d never thought about it that way,” I said. “What’s the song about?”

“It doesn’t really matter, it’s not even a good love song. The girl and the guy aren’t even together,” he shrugged his shoulders and smiled, “since the girl I want at the moment is unattainable to say the least it fits the situation perfectly.”

“God, don’t tell me you want Mila Kunis,” I grinned, “I swear every guy I talk to has a celebrity crush and it’s always Mila Kunis.”

“No, it’s not Mila Kunis. It’s not a celebrity, it’s no one special,” he cleared his throat, “well it’s someone special but you won’t see them on television. A simple girl, that’s what it’s all about.”

“Look at you being all romantic,” I smiled, “just tell the girl.”

“Weddings make most people feel romantic. If I wasn’t being all mopey and romantic you’d think I have no feelings,” he relaxed, leaning back on his chair while giving me a lazy smile, “and I will tell her, whenever the time is right.” He winked at me.

“Well, you’d better do that soon, before you lose her completely.”

“Nah,” he shook his head, “it’s not okay to mess with other people’s lives or relationships, it’s better to let things happen naturally. Either way, I think she’s coming around to realize the situation she’s in. When she does decide she doesn’t want to be with the guy anymore, I’ll be there. Ready to pounce.”

“Easy there tiger,” I laughed and took a sip of white wine, “I hate how everyone thinks white wine is so classy and they serve it at weddings when it tastes so horrible.”

“Half of the things people do in weddings are just to show off. The champagne and wine is all a part of it, I bet Chris would’ve rather done his toast with a pint of beer instead of champagne, but that’ll look bad.”

“When I get married I’m going to have tequila during my toast,“ I smiled and murmured a thank you at the waiter who picked up both Leone and I’s empty wine glasses. He reclined on his chair and placed his hands behind his head as we looked onto the dance floor where some couples were already starting to appear.

“Do you want to dance?” Leone asked after a few songs had ended, “it seems like we’re the only ones still sitting around besides the old people and kids who are too young to enjoy weddings and dancing.”

I looked out into the small and crowded makeshift dance floor and saw that he was right. Besides older couples sitting down and kids running around playing we were the only ones still sitting, even worse since we were seated at the front and in plain view of everyone.

“Why not,” I shrugged my shoulders and smiled before he stood and held his hand out to me, I took it and wound my arm around his before speaking again, “you do know how to dance don’t you? You aren't going to step on my feet right? If you do, I’ll trade you for a better dancing partner, I think Matt’s still on the prowl for a partner.” I said as I looked at all the tables and noticed him sitting down and flirting with a woman who was at least ten years older than him.

“I can dance, my mom made sure that my brothers and I knew how to dance when we were younger. Going to dance classes with all of them was one of the worst times of my life but I think it paid off in the end.”

I couldn’t help thinking that it did work out as we danced in the middle of the dance floor, his hand never straying lower than my waist and he leading the way graciously and never too demandingly. His body and mine swayed to the music contentedly and I had never felt so comfortable dancing with anyone else besides my dad. Javier never learned how to dance well and I remember him at my sister’s quinceañera stepping on my feet three times before we decided to not dance anymore.

Leone’s hand squeezed my hip before he spun us in a circle and dipped me, I laughed loudly and tried to get both of my feet down on the floor before he pulled me right back up, flush to his body and he laughed as well, “it was getting a bit boring don’t you think?” he smiled and I nodded my head before we resumed our dancing.

I laughed loudly and dropped his hand before I placed my head on his chest and I could feel his chest vibrating as we heard the familiar beginning to Spandau Ballet’s ‘True’. Both his hands now grabbed my hips and my other held on to his shoulder like the other. Our chest were pressed against each other’s in an embrace that was completely too comfortable and I laughed, “Seems like Chris’ got his wish of having this song played at the wedding.”

“I don’t understand his obsession with this song,” he laughed with me and we continued swaying to the music.

“Just wait until that sax solo, you’ll never know what hit you,” and we smiled at one another.

His fingers were drawing small circles on my waist and the small of my back and my head laid on his chest and I could feel his chin on top my head. I sighed in contentment and closed my eyes as we swayed and thought why it couldn’t have been Javier the person I was dancing with. After that thought came and went it hit me that it wasn’t so bad that it wasn’t Javier cause I had never felt as content when I was dancing with him.

That moment was broken when Gaby came towards us and tapped my shoulder, “your phone keeps ringing, it’s Javier.” She smiled sadly and I quickly disconnected myself from Leone and took the white iPhone and my small clutch from her hand.

“Thanks Gaby, I’ll be back soon,” I smiled and ducked through the dancing couples and made my way towards the lake. The sound of the music was faint as I dialed the familiar numbers and waited until the last ringtone when he picked up. “Javi?” I asked.

“Luz,” he yelled into the phone and I cringed because I could tell he was either drunk or well on his way there. ”I’m about to go the wedding, I just need to find my car keys okay, wait for me okay?”

“Javi,” I sighed, “it’s nine forty, already. Natalie and Chris are leaving for the airport at eleven and it would take you at least forty minutes to drive here. And you’re been drinking, you shouldn’t be driving at all.”

“I’m going Adri, it’s my baby sister,” he slurred.

“No Javier,” I sighed loudly and pinched the bridge of my nose, “you can’t drive right now, you’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk Adriana, I want to see my baby sister before she leaves,” he said angrily. He hiccupped once before continuing in a mellow tone “pick me up baby, we can go back together.”

“No, I’m not leaving the wedding, it’s late.” I tried to reason with him, “I’m the maid of honor and I need to be here for her.”

“You don’t want me to go the wedding Adri?” he asked sadly and hiccupped, “I want to see my baby sister married, I’m so sorry I didn’t go before. No estaba pensando.”

I nodded my head and agreed with him because he hadn’t been thinking, he hadn’t been thinking for a while now. “I know you’re sorry Javi. Let me do some thinking for you okay, stay put I don’t want you getting into an accident. I’m going to call a taxi for you and I’ll see you tomorrow morning okay.“

“No baby. Just come here, please. I want to see Natalie, but if I can’t see her then I at least want to see you. Por favor Adriana,” he said sweetly and I almost caved in.

I shook my head and admonished myself for almost falling for it before I continued, “no Javi, I can’t. I’m going to call you a taxi and I’ll see you at your place tomorrow morning okay.”

“Fuck you Adriana,” he yelled angrily, “you were in this with her all along, fuck you both. I don’t need your taxi. I don’t want to see you tomorrow.”

I was about to reply to him before I heard the dial tone indicating that he had hung up on me. I frowned and sniffled lightly before sighing because I was so sick of everything—especially his drunken mood swings. I dropped my phone back into my purse deciding it would be a lost cause to try and call him again.

The night was getting a bit colder and I wrapped my arms around myself for some warmth and began walking back towards Matthew’s house. The closer I got the party and to the sound of music, the more I realized I didn’t really want to be there because the more I was there the more I would keep on thinking about Javier. I quickly shook those thoughts away and smiled as I neared the dance floor. Instead of stopping to dance I headed straight to the table where Gaby was sitting alone and on her phone. My mom and Matthew had already gone inside and all my brothers and their wives were dancing. “Why aren’t you dancing?” I asked Gaby.

She shrugged her shoulders, “no one’s asked me to,” she frowned and pursed her lips, “besides, you know I hate dancing.”

I hummed in response and looked out towards the dancefloor and at Natalie who was smiling widely while being twirled around by Chris, how she was doing that in her somewhat puffy dress was beyond me. They both seemed do happy and in their little world that it made me feel jealous and extremely alone.

“What did Javier want?” Gaby asked as she slouched in her chair and yawned loudly.

“Cover your mouth when you do that Gaby,” I rolled my eyes at her and she stuck her tongue out, “nothing, he was just being an asshole.”

“Well that’s to be expected,” she muttered, “that pendejo couldn’t even make it to Natalie’s wedding, I don’t even know what you--”

“Stop,” I whispered angrily to her and pinched the bridge of my nose once more, a habit I had whenever I was too angry or about to cry. This time I didn’t know if it was caused by anger or the need to cry—though I think it might have been both. “Just drop it and don’t tell anyone about it.”

“Well, I think people figured it out since no one from her family is here.”

“I mean it Gaby,” I narrowed my eyes towards her and she rolled her eyes.

“Are you staying here tonight?” she asked after a few minutes, “Matthew said you’re welcome to take one of the rooms. He told all of the guys that were groomsmen and all the bridesmaids they could stay, he has a massive basement you know?”

“He has a massive everything,” I mumbled, “I wasn’t planning on it, but seeing as I didn’t drive here and everyone’s been drinking I guess I’ll stay.”

“We can have a sleepover and talk about your obvious boy problems. See, that’s why I don’t have a boyfriend and it’s also why I never dance with anyone. Oh! I’m so excited” she almost yelled, “my room’s the last one in the hall on the second floor.”

“Your room?” I asked and she nodded.

“Yeah, when my mom started coming here and they got serious, Matthew told me I could choose any room. I chose the biggest one,” she smiled goofily, “I think mom wants to move here after her and Matthew get married. She’s been looking at selling the house. We decided that yours will be the one at the beginning of the hall on the right.”

“She wants to sell daddy’s house?” I asked.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Gaby answered and shrugged her shoulders before we lapsed into silence.

“She shouldn’t sell the house.”

“It’s her house, she can sell it if she wants.”

“but it’s Daddy’s house,” I said absentmindedly and Gaby shrugged her shoulders. It wasn’t fair of my mom to sell the house that we all grew up in, but I couldn’t expect Gaby to feel what I felt over the house. After all, I had made most of my childhood memories there with my father and Gaby was too young to have made so many memories as us older kids did. For her, it was just another house and Matthew’s was definitely nicer.

“Come on, let’s dance Gaby,” I smiled as I stood up and grabbed her hand, she whined a bit before giving in and I almost felt like we were little kids when we danced on a corner of the dancefloor. It was about the same time that they had started putting on some pop music to appease the younger generations that didn’t have someone significant to dance to Lady in Red to. Even though most of the people invited were already filtering out of Matthew’s backyard, all that was left was family and the bridal party. They were just waiting until the couple left to the airport to also make their way home.

Natalie came to join us later and we laughed loudly as she tried to dance with her large dress, it was definitely harder for her now than when Chris was parading her around the dancefloor.

“Can you believe you’re married now?” Gaby asked her as they linked hands and danced with one another.

“I can’t believe it,” she smiled, “just like I can’t believe I’m actually pregnant.” She wiped the thin layer of sweat from her forehead, “but I’m so happy if that counts for anything.”

“That counts for everything,” I smiled, “are you and Chris leaving soon?” I asked as she grabbed my hands and I twirled her.

“Pretty soon,” she yelled, ”he already went inside to grab our bags and take put them in his parent’s car. They’re driving us to the airport.”

I nodded my head and we continued dancing until Chris appeared at the edge of the dancefloor. He stood there awkwardly, obviously not wanting to interrupt Natalie’s dancing but knowing he needed to. “Chris is here,” I smiled, “have fun in Costa Rica!” I yelled excitedly before kissing both her cheeks and pulling her towards Chris.

“Both of you have fun,” I exclaimed as I hugged Chris once more.

“Thanks, we have to go Natalie,” he said, “we’re running a bit late already,” he smiled apologetically, “we can’t even tell everyone that we’re already leaving.”

“Just go,” I shrugged my shoulders, “if you announce that you're leaving everyone will want to congratulate you and you’ll never make it to your flight.”

“You’re right,” Natalie said, “I still need to change. Tell your mom and Matthew thank you and have fun here while I’m in Costa Rica,” she stuck her tongue out and started being led away from us by Chris.

Gaby stepped up next to me and yelled, “bring me back a souvenir, something good Natalie.” Natalie smiled and waved her away before resting her head on Chris’ shoulder and walking up the steps to the house.

“And now it’s over,” I commented as I turned to Gaby, “we should make a run for it before mom makes us clean up or shoo everyone away.”

“That’s why I hate it whenever she throws parties,” Gaby grumbled beside me. I nodded in agreement and we both started heading to the main table to take a seat before the cleaning up flurry would begin.

“I’m going to steal your sister away,” Leone smiled as he placed his hand on my arm and gently tugged towards him before we even reached the table. His fingers curled around my forearm and he led me away from the party as I waved Gaby away. She glared at me with accusing eyes before running up the stairs and into the house.

“Are you okay tesorina?” he asked as we walked close to the lake’s shore. The party behind us wound down to only a few people—mostly the bridesmaids and groomsmen and Chris’ extended family. It seems that about twenty people left when Natalie and Chris did and the music was almost nonexistent.

“I’m fine,” I smiled quickly and my arms wound around my body, the temperature change up here could be felt a lot more than the city and I was angry at myself for forgetting to bring a coat with me. “I’m just cold, that’s all.”

Leone rolled his eyes and took his black jacket off before stopping us both and motioned for me to extend my arms. He pushed the jacket through both of my arms and I almost laughed at how they hung down past my fingers. I thanked him before crossing my arms once more to try and keep all the heat in.

“Now tell me what’s wrong?” he asked. “You’ve looked sad since your sister stole you away from me.”

“It’s nothing,” I shook my head and bit my bottom lip. “It’s just,” I paused and sighed loudly, ”you know that feeling you get when you know something’s about to end and you know that trying to prolong it is just dumb because all your efforts won’t make the final outcome any different? Like why can't we just stop and call it quits if it's over?"

Leone didn’t speak for a few moments, he just stared out onto the lake with a pensive look on his face. ”Are you sure it’s over?” he asked as he rolled the sleeves of his white shirt up to his elbows. “I’m assuming this has something to do with Natalie’s brother”

“You assume correctly,” I mumbled as I slipped my shoes off and sunk down onto the soft dirt at the edge of the lake. “I don’t know really, I want it to be, but I don’t want it to be over yet. Javier and I haven't been doing too well, he hasn't been doing anything well and I'm sure everyone at the party can tell. Yet, we stay with one another even though I suspect he's in the same place I am. I mean why do we do that if we know how it’s going to end up, like why do I like hurting myself in order to please someone who does nothing for me or to better the shitty situation we're in?”

“I don’t really know what to tell you without sounding too harsh.”

“I don’t think anyone can really say anything without sounding too harsh,” I smiled awkwardly. “I don’t want anyone to tell me anything, I’ve dealt with that too much already. I just wish something would happen. Just to bring out of this like stupor I’m in, but I think whatever feelings there still are—however small they might be—won’t let anything like that happen.”

He nodded his head, “Adriana--”

I cut him off as I pinched the bridge of my nose and close my eyes tightly, “I mean, I’m not even sure I still love him all that much,” I laughed, “Jesus, that’s the first time I’ve said that out loud. But do you get me? Like I definitely don’t feel for him as much as I used to but it’s just so comfortable and I’m so sick of always being uncomfortable that I’ve clinging onto it. Even though I know it’s time to let go.”

I’m not sure he was still listening to my ramblings as he stared out onto the lake. His straight nose scrunched up in thought.

“Did that make sense?” I asked though I didn’t expect an answer.

And he didn’t answer, he just continued to stare out onto the lake. Though his features softened a bit and his shoulders relaxed. “Come on,” he spoke after a few minutes of contemplative silence, “the party’s over and you should get some rest”

I nodded my head, “Matthew said all the guys can stay in the basement,” I said as I grabbed my heels from the sand. “I’ll see you some other time. If you need anything my room’s the first one on the right when you get into the second floor's hall.”

He didn’t respond and I took that as a sign to leave him alone on the beach. He’d sort whatever he was going through alone and I felt like I had burdened him even more by unloading all my problems on him.

Outside it had been cool but inside the house it seemed to be 90 degrees. Which is why when I heard a noise come from outside my room and then a knock on my door before it opened I was only wearing a bra and panties. I groaned before mumbling Gaby’s name and became more alert when I didn’t hear her voice but instead a chuckle that was too deep to be hers.

“It’s not your sister tesorina,” I heard Leone’s voice and quickly shifted underneath the covers. “It’s me.”

“What are you doing in here? Do you want some blankets or something?” I asked as I sat up and looked at him, standing near the foot of my bed. The moonlight illuminated the outline of his body and I didn’t bother turning on the small bedside lamp.

“No, the basement might as well be a desert from all the heat in this house,” he shook his head and made some sort of motion with his hands which I took to be a question as to whether or not he could sit down. "I don't understand why as people get older they are always cold and make everyone miserable by turning up the heat."

I sat up higher on the bed and patted a spot near me prompting him to half lay down on the bed, his head next to my hand and his legs dangling from the bottom of the bed. I laughed quietly before patting his head and he smiled as he crossed his hands behind his head.

“Is everyone else asleep?” I asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence, he nodded his head. “You couldn’t sleep?”

“Nah,” he shook his head and flipped over on the bed, his chin cradled by his hands. “I’ve been thinking too loudly tonight.”

“You should do whatever it is you do when you can’t sleep or are stressed,” I laughed, “but don’t smoke inside. Or at all really.”

“I won’t,” he smiled lightly and I patted his head. I left my hand on his head, my fingers lightly scratching his scalp and feeling the strange sensation of his short and prickly hair. He groaned lightly and placed his cheek on his palms as if he were going to sleep. “I want to think about it some more.”

“You remember what I said earlier?” he asked and shut his eyes, “about that song, E Penso a Te?”

“The one in Italian that no one will understand?” I smiled and lifted the thin sheet that had slipped a bit from my shoulder farther up, “yeah I do. Why?”

He tried to shrug his shoulders, “I don’t know, I’ve been thinking about what I told you about the song and what you said when I stole you away from your sister.”

And it came, that feeling of warmth all over my body and a strange feeling in my stomach. The one where you know something bittersweet is about to happen, and you feel excited and dread the moment when it finally comes—and you never want it to come but you want it to come quickly all the same. It was the same feeling I had when I graduated high school and knew I was leaving. It was the same feeling I had when I knew Javier was going to kiss me for the first time in the middle of my living room floor in Paris. It was back, a hundred times stronger.

“Oh,” I murmured and my hand stopped its movement on his head. I exhaled quietly and dropped my hand from his scalp and placed it on the lavender sheet. I could feel his deep breaths on my hand—as if he was trying to sleep or had just over-exerted himself and I’m sure I sounded the same.

“I’m sure you know what I’m hinting at,” he said softly and I nodded my head even though I knew he couldn’t see me. He moved his left hand from under his head to grab mine. His calloused thumb rubbed over my index finger before he kissed the tip of my finger gingerly. “Tesorina, I’m just going to tell the girl.”

“Please don’t,” I said and took my hand away from his grasp and clasped both of my hands underneath the sheet. “At least not right now.”

“Tesorina,” he started, He turned onto his back and looked at me when I was desperately trying not to make eye contact with him.

“Oh,” I exclaimed, “let me get your jacket, I brought it here with me and you probably want it back,” I said and stood from the bed, not even thinking that I was just wearing a bra and panties, I just wanted the situation to be over. I wanted him out of the room where I could sit alone with my thoughts.

I grabbed his jacket from the large drawer it was folded on and shook it before walking back over to the bed where Leone was no longer laying down. Instead he was sitting down with his hands folded underneath his chin. I gently set down the jacket on the bed, “Leone, I’d like to go to sleep.” I mumbled and shifted awkwardly where I stood, now becoming aware of what I was wearing—or what I wasn’t wearing.

His eyes traveled to mine, “Adriana,” he said slowly almost as if he were whispering, but it seemed like all the sensations I was feeling were magnified. “Tesorina, merda, I sound like I’m five years old.”

He rose from his spot on the bed and stood before me. His hands went to my shoulders which he squeezed lightly before they trailed down my arms and to my hands. “Adriana, I really like you.” His hands went to my neck and his rough thumbs caressed my cheeks. My eyes dropped down the floor and I could feel his warmth breath fan over my cheeks which when I looked up at him and brought my hand up to his arm to stop him or push him away.

“I-” I started and I felt the words stuck in my throat as my hand lingered on his bicep. His hands undid ponytail I had placed my hair in and he ran his hands through the length of my hair. “I—Leone, I have a boyfriend.” I felt so juvenile because I couldn’t even say no to him or push him away. Javier was my excuse, it wasn’t like I didn’t want anything physical with Leone because I did—or I do—Lord knows I do, but my conscience would’ve never allowed me to betray someone like that.

“I know,” he muttered and sighed, “and I would never force you to do something you didn’t want tesorina. So if you don’t want this, then tell me.” His fingers ran down my neck and over my collarbone, leaving a warm trail wherever they went and I desperately wanted to feel closer to him, but I knew I couldn’t.

“I--” I sighed loudly and shook my head, “I do, I really do, but you have to understand where I’m coming from right now. I can’t.”

“I get it Adriana,” he smiled fondly and his thumb caressed my cheek and I leaned towards his touch, “I don’t like it, but I get it.” He turned and grabbed his jacket from where it laid and slung it over his shoulder. His arms flexing in an attractive manner that I couldn’t help from looking at. “I’ll see you around Adriana.”

“I’m sorry Leone,” I said and I could almost feel the tears coming.

He shrugged and pulled out a packet of cigarettes from his front pocket and placed a cigarette between his lips. “Don’t be sorry Adriana, it’s my fault. It’s my bad timing like always, I’m used to it. Goodnight.” He smiled before shaking his head and walking towards the door and shutting it carefully behind him as he left the room.

I quickly dove underneath the mountain of covers on the bed and grabbed my phone, my fingers automatically scrolled down the list of contacts looking for Javier’s name. I called him and sighed in frustration as he let my three calls go to voicemail and made me feel like a complete idiot.