Live, Laugh, Love

I felt so shaky as he reached out to me, only to grab his hand back as if remembering what he was about to do.

“Rob.” I said, trembling. He noticed and saw that I needed comfort, so he opened his arms and walked closer to me.

“What are you doing?” he asked, “Get over here.” I smiled slightly, wiping away the tears as he took me in his arms. His embrace felt so comforting to me, and the past few months just slipped away. I breathed a sigh of relief and wrapped myself around him so tightly I knew it would be hard for him to breathe. Then I remembered why I was here.

I looked up and saw Tom staring at us, grinning. “The rooms are ready, Rach.” He called just as the elevator door opened.

“Let me help you with your stuff.” Rob said absentmindedly as he let me go. He almost seemed reluctant, and it broke my heart. I knew he wouldn’t be reluctant at all when he realized the kind of freak I was.

“Thanks.” I said as we all made our way into the elevator. Rob stared at me the whole way to our floor, sometimes smiling, sometime wincing in pain at the memories that just the look of my face brought up. I knew him too well.

“I need to talk to you.” I said when we got to my hotel door.

“I know.” Tom was already in his room and I opened the door to my room and stepped inside with Rob following closely. God, I hated hotel rooms. I had seen enough of them in my twenty-one, almost twenty-two years.

“Okay.” I said when we were both comfortably sitting on the couch. He had his arm draped over my shoulders, and I couldn’t help but scoot closer and snuggle into his side. “I love you.” The words fell out of my mouth, unexpected, stinging, true, dripping with sincerity. And I automatically regretted it.

“As I love you.” He said, and tears filled his eyes. “Why did you leave me?” he sounded so hurt that I was breathless.

“If you only knew…” I said, trailing off.

“Tell me.” He pleaded. “Or so help me God, Rachael, I will never be able to sleep a full night again. Tell me why you don’t want to be with me anymore. Do you hate me? What did I do?”

“Of course I don’t hate you. There was nothing you did. And I DO want to be with you, Rob. So bad. But…” I paused, catching some breath “I don’t think you’ll want to be with me.”

“Why would you ever think that?” his voice held every emotion that could come to my mind. Tenderness, hurt, heartbreak, sadness, hope, etc.

It was better to just spit it out. To get it over with. “Rob, I can’t have babies. I will never be able to carry a baby full-term. I don’t know why. I think it has something to do with… I don’t’ know!” I said, and I started bawling.

He put me in his lap. “Oh, god. Rachael, its okay. Baby,” he stroked my hair again and again. “Baby, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” I cried, sniffling. “I don’t deserve you, Rob. You deserve someone who can give you a life, a family.”

“Jesus.” Rob said, hurt. “Was this why you left me?”

I nodded, tears streaming. He wiped them away.

His answer. Quick. Short. Painful. “I don’t care.”

I looked up at him. “What?”

“I don’t care.” He said again, louder. “I couldn’t care less, baby.”

I sobbed into his chest. “I knew you were going to do this. This is exactly why I left. I knew that you would have me despite this flaw, and I knew you wouldn’t care. You will always just love me for what I am. But this time, what I am is not good enough.”

He silenced me with his lips. I hadn’t kissed him in months, and yet when our lips met, our time apart melted away. It was like we never left.

“Yes it is good enough.” He said, and pulled me off the couch and led me into the bedroom.

He was exactly what I needed. He was my poem, my answer to every prayer. And while he held me, I was wonderful. Every care in my life slipped away as I watched him hover over me, heaving himself in and out of my body wildly. He caressed my curves soothingly, and before I knew it, every imperfection about me seemed insignificant.

He didn’t care. Truly. He absolutely didn’t give two shits.

He would rather spend the rest of his life with me than raising babies and coming home to a house full of toys and smelly children. He would rather have me than teaching his son how to ride a bike or teaching his daughter how to go across the monkey bars. He’d rather be with me than walk his daughter down the aisle someday, or sit on a couch watching ‘SpongeBob’ with his grandchildren.

He would rather have me...

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” He said. I snuggled my head into his neck. We were both breathing in unison.

“I was afraid.”

“Can’t you see that no matter what happens, no matter what’s wrong, I will always love you? I can’t live without you, Rachael Banes, and I don’t want to ever try again.” His sincere words brought tears to my eyes.

“I just don’t want you to miss out on being a father. You would be such a good daddy.” I said, smiling a pained half-smile.

He sucked in a sharp breath. “I’m only thinking about you. How painful it must have been. I never want you to hurt like that. I’m so sorry that it had to happen to you. You are the kindest, sweetest person I know, and you would have made a great mother. I so badly wanted to have babies with you, Rachael.”

I teared up. “I’m sorry.”

“Didn’t you hear me?” he asked, stroking my hair. “Want babies with you. I can’t imagine the idea of being with anyone but you. And if that means no children, well, I can manage as long as I can still have you.” He said this tenderly, his chest moving up and down with slow breaths. “And, if we really wanted a baby, we could adopt.”

“Rob.” I said, joking. “I’m not becoming a Madonna or Angelina Jolie.” We were both laughing. It felt so good to laugh with him again.

“I love you.” He said sincerely, kissing my forehead softly.

“I love you.” I said back. “So much.”

I was so happy. He accepted me. And even though he was sacrificing so much, it still felt like we were both winners. And I guess in a way that was true.

I smiled and clutched him tighter under the covers. I, Rachael Isabelle Banes, love the man lying next to me. No words or poems or songs could ever describe the love I feel for him. And in this moment, I am certain, no one has ever loved anyone more than we love each other.

I fell asleep listening to Rob’s quiet humming, his hands stroking my back soothingly. And in all my years, I have never felt so safe.