I Guess I Figured That It Hurt for a Reason

When I walk in to Penny’s room, my heart breaks. I’ve seen people hooked up to machines before, but seeing my best friend like that is a lot to take in. Alex is sitting in the chair and laughing with her about something. He looks up at me and his eyes kind of go distant. Wonderful. Penny looks up at me and my heart breaks again.
“Hey,” I say, putting her laptop on her lap.
“Fuck yeah,” she says, grinning. “Where’s Jack?”
“My cousin’s a fucking idiot. He’ll be here later.” Penny just laughs and opens her laptop contently. She and I talk for awhile, and she explains in detail what happens after Alex leaves for a bit. She makes me promise to her that I won’t blame myself, and no matter how much I want to, I promise her because I need to.
Alex walks back in after about twenty minutes and gives me this look. “Penny, I need to talk to Joce. That okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, ‘course. I’ve got YouTube to amuse me. Have fuuuun,” she says, smiling at us both. I roll my eyes as Alex leads me away.
“What do we need to talk about?” I ask impatiently. He doesn’t answer my question until we’re outside of the hospital. “Why are we outside?” I ask.
“I know right now is about Penny but we need to talk,” he says.
“Okay, awesome. So what about?”
“You know what about, Joce. You’re not stupid.”
“I know I’m not,” I say defiantly, smiling a bit. He rolls his eyes. “What if I don’t want to talk about it?”
“Well we’re gonna have to at some point. Better sooner than later.”
“Christ, fine. Talk.”
“Why do you keep ignoring me? Why do you act like you don’t care about me? Why do you pretend nothing bothers you?” he asks too quickly.
“You suck. You suck. You suck.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he almost yells.
“What? You do kinda fucking suck.”
“Joce, I’m being serious here.”
“So am I.”
“Fuck!” he shouts, his right hand clenching in a fist. He looks like he wants to rip his hair out. “Why won’t you be honest with me?”
“You really think you deserve my honesty? Alex, what the fuck? After the last year, I don’t owe you a fucking thing.”
“You know I’m sorry about that. I already told you what was going on.”
“How is leaving me twice for your on-and-off again plaything an excuse, Alex?”
“Joce-”
“No, you wanted to talk, so fucking let me talk, Alex. You strung me along for a year! How do I even know if you care about me? You’re fucking with my head constantly! Do you know how unfair that is? Do you know how many nights I’ve spent losing my fucking mind over you? Do you?” I scream at him.
“Do you know how many nights I’ve spent beating myself up over hurting you?”
“Oh, please,” I say in exasperation.
“This may come as a shock to you, but even fucked up people like me fall in love, Joce.”
“Love? Really? Fucking really?! You call this last year love?! You have a twisted fucking idea of love, Gaskarth!” I scream.
“Pipe down,” he growls. He looks around, making sure no one can hear us fighting.
“Make. Me.” My defiance surprises me. I inch closer to him, my eyes narrowed in a toxic glare. We’ve fought like this before. It usually ends up with his tongue down my throat and my hands on his hips. But this time he doesn’t try and kiss me. Instead, he starts to cry. “Oh, Christ.” But this isn’t some stupid crying. He looks like he’s going to sob and my eyes widen.
He practically falls down and I catch him. I go down with him and hold him close. He’s sobbing now, completely losing it. “I’m sorry,” he cries. “I’m sorry, Joce. I know I’ve fucked it up but after last night I have to try and fix it.”
That’s when it hits me. He’s terrified of losing everyone. And last night, after his sister tried to kill herself, the fear is almost real. “Hey, shh,” I whisper. We’re a remarkable pair. We can go from shouting at the top of our lungs and completely angry to me comforting him over one of the worst nights of his life.
“You’re crying on the sidewalk of a hospital, Alex. Get up. We gotta get up,” I persuade. He nods and I pull him up. He stands half a foot above me, but that doesn’t stop him from leaning down and kissing me longingly. When his lips are on mine I forget how much I really missed those lips. I kiss him back in an attempt to comfort him and then he pulls away.
He wipes at his tears with his sleeve and we go into the building. I wait outside of the bathroom for him. After five minutes he doesn’t look like he’s been crying for a while. We silently make our way up to Penny. She’s asleep, her laptop resting on the counter behind Jack, who is also asleep. Alex and I walk back to the window couch.
Alex lays down first, then opens his arms for me. I look at him for a moment, wondering if I should do this. I know I shouldn’t, but I give in and let his arms fold around me and hold me close. I’ve always loved being held by him. His arms just feel safe and they make me feel like nothing will ever hurt me again.
“I love you,” he whispers to me.
“I love you, too,” I whisper back before I close my eyes.