Take Me as I Am

“Are you sure you have tomato paste?” Nodding, I stuffed another chip in my mouth before nudging past Sarah and grabbing it out of the cupboard. Poking her tongue she dumped the paste on top of the spaghetti and stirred it in.

I glared as Jade stole some more chips out of my packet.

“You both aren’t going to be hungry if you keep eating.” Sarah pouted, stirring the spaghetti in with the mince.

“We’re always hungry.” Jade defended, picking at the salad Sarah had sitting covered on the counter. Sarah reached out and kicked her until she walked away, pieces of cucumber in her hand.

“Where is Jared on this lovely night?” I asked Sarah, falling back down onto the stools in Sarah’s elaborate kitchen, it was probably the dearest part of her house. She had spent a large amount of time designing it herself before she allowed the building to happen.

“At the pub with people from his work.”

“Oh! You didn’t tell me big buff guys in uniforms were at the pub right now.” I complained, pouting at her. Jade patted my cheek comfortingly. “Not fair both you girls are consistently getting some.” I whined causing both to snort.

“Please like you aren’t continuously getting some.” I shrugged and stuffed my hand into the half empty chip packet, glaring at Jade while I did it. It had been almost full before she started eating it.

“Yeah but I have to work for it, neither of you have to wear heels and tight dresses and dance your asses off for it.”

“I thought that’s what you liked?” Sarah questioned. I took my time eating another chip while considering her question.

“I do. Just sometimes it’s kind of exhausting you know? It would be nice just to have someone at home, all the time.”

“As a booty call or more than that?” I pulled the bag of chips away from Jade as she went for them again.

“Both?” I considered. “I’m not sure, I guess I kind of just want something more. But I like being able to go out and party and do what I like, I don’t like the idea of continuously spending every night in, just maybe some nights.”

“You know. Niall likes to party but he does like to just be at home too.” I rolled my eyes at Jade’s complete lack of subtlety.

“What are you exactly implying Jade?” I glared at her, the way this conversation is heading was getting old.

“You like him Aria, you know you do.” I didn’t protest. “And I don’t think you’re scared of being in a relationship but I don’t understand why you won’t be in one.”

“Because I don’t want to Jade. I don’t want the restrictions.” Sarah sat a bowl of spaghetti in front of me, I grabbed the closest fork and began twirling it around trying to explain to them both. “I like Niall, yes. I like him more than I’ve ever really liked a boy before. At the start he was just great to get laid but we click well and he’s just so relaxed and not like guys I normally end up with, but that doesn’t mean we would be good in a relationship. It doesn’t even mean he wants to be in a relationship with me.” I took a bite of the spaghetti letting the words sink in. Both girls stayed silent twirling their own spaghetti around.

“I know both of you enjoy being in a relationship and I get why, sometimes I want to have someone around my place too. But I like waking up in my room with my stuff and walking around my flat filled with my stuff exactly how I want it. I cook what I want when I want and I can come and go without needing to discuss or tell anyone anything about it. I like having this freedom, to be able to go out drinking and dance. I’m over picking up random guys but I’m not over having this freedom.”

“It’s not like that though. I don’t tell Liam where I’m going or what I’m doing because I have to, I tell him because I want to or because I want him to join in. And do you really think Niall is going to want to restrict you, you have no idea how easy-going you both are, neither of you care what other people think and you like your freedom. Niall isn’t going to want to restrict you anymore then you would restrict him.” I understood what Jade was saying, even if I didn’t want to.

“This is all assuming that Niall wants a relationship, maybe I’m just easy for him.” I grumbled, ignoring the way that hurt.

“Hun, you’re not easy for anyone.” Sarah smacked my arm before nudging my phone towards me. “Just call him or text me. Ask to talk and then you will find out. You might not realise now but liking him is going to drive you crazy soon if you don’t find out how he feels.”

Grumbling I dropped my fork and grabbed my phone, as dramatically as possible I typed a message to Niall.

Hey, are you free soon?

“Happy?” I flashed the girls the message before sending it. The small hiccup in my stomach made my cheeks flush before I shoved spaghetti down on top of it all, burying it.

“Ecstatic.” Jade smirked. Rolling my eyes I tried to ignore my phone while Jade and Sarah fell back into a conversation I couldn’t follow. My eyes practically stayed trained on my phone wanting it to vibrate. I actually wanted to talk to Niall not just about what we were but just in general. I wanted to talk about his day, what he was doing. I was actually interested when usually lives that weren’t connected to mine in some way tended to be uninteresting.

My phone vibrated and Sarah and Jade stopped talking immediately. I hated how dramatic we were being. Ignoring them both I grabbed the phone.

cant talk busy

Trying not to feel too disappointed I gave the phone to Jade before taking my mostly empty bowl of food and dumping it in Sarah’s sink.

“Aria.” Jade started but I shook my head at her.

“It’s fine.” I told them both firmly. It really was fine.

“It’s not. But maybe tomorrow.” I shook my head at Sarah.

“Seriously guys it’s fine. He’s busy, I don’t care.” I told them both wanting them to believe it. This was stupid and I hated it. I hated caring that he didn’t want to talk. I hated that I got my hopes up about nothing. An dI hated talking about it. Niall and I were fine with what we are and it’s okay. I’m not ashamed of preferring this to having a relationship.

I’m not ashamed of wanting my freedom. I just wish Niall Horan didn’t come into my life.