Status: Completed
Decided to Break It
Josh
We’ve been in here more than a month, and Echo won’t talk to me...or anyone for that matter. But something that’s really cool, we’ve been writing a song together. I’d write a line, slip it under her door and then she’d write one, and would get a nurse to slip it back under mine. It was perfect. We named it “Skin and Bones” describing our eating disorders.
She’s down the hall and almost every night, I hear her screaming to get out. Or hear her banging her head on the metal bar of her bed. They’ve had to put her in a strait jacket a few times. My parents have been here twice already with Mike and Ian to see me but no one’s come for her yet. She’s called home, according to the night shift nurses, but they won’t pick up the phone. I sometimes see her during meal times, when she’s not in solitary, but she hardly eats. They tried keeping her there once until she ate her food… and she sat in the same seat with her arms crossed for 24 hours. No bullshit- a whole 24 hours. After meal times, they won’t let us go to the bathroom, so if she eats, she goes into the hallway and throws up. She’s extremely thin now and they don’t know what to do. One of the day nurses left the toiletry cart out, and Echo somehow grabbed a razor. They had to rush her to the hospital, now she’s supposedly on watch. They’re doing a horrible job.
I haven’t gotten much better. My parents bring me money every time they see me and I make a trade with this guy, Brennan, at the end of the hallway. It’s not heroin, but oxy, and I give him a couple of my depression pills and 10 dollars for 12 pills. I don’t know how he gets it, but I don’t care. This mellows me out. Right now, I was high, at 4:32 AM and watching the wind blow through the trees from my window. I couldn’t hear Echo tonight, which meant they either drugged her up really well or she just ended up in solitary again. Probably the latter, hopefully the first. I’ve been doing so “well” lately, that they quit locking my doors. They knew I had insomnia pretty bad, Echo too, so they kept my door unlocked in case I needed to escape a bit. I definitely did. The white walls and white tile floors killed me. The florescent lights didn’t help. There was only a brown dresser in the corner to match my wooden twin bed frame and the blue sheets were supposed to give the place some “color.” It just made it look extremely sad.
I walked out of my room and down the hall, like normal, to room 220 and sat outside of the door. I tried to listen for any movement but didn’t hear any. Tonight was extra sad. We’d been together for nearly two months now and she won’t talk to me. She won’t look at me. This was my fault, all of it, but I needed her to know how much she meant to me. Last I heard, everyone still blames her dad, except Matt. He knows the truth since he had to loan me money… but this was all my fault. “I love you.” I said through the door, hoping she’d hear me. But I got no response. I’d been writing a lot of music in here so I closed my eyes and started singing part of what I wrote. “Now, I do, I want you to know I’ll hold you up, above everyone. And I do, I want you to know I think you’ll be good to me- and I’d be so good to you…” I kept singing gently, loud enough for her to hear me yet quiet enough for me to not get in trouble. I thought I heard someone on the other side so I stopped singing. “Baby, please let me in.” It’s been so long, I just needed to hug her. She opened the door and I stood up extremely fast. So fast, mind you, I got a headache. She stood there with a long shirt on and no pants. There were bruises all over her legs and arms and her hair was a mess. But she never looked so beautiful. I hugged her and cried. “Josh, I’m sorry.” She whispered. She closed the door and we laid on her bed together with the blanket over us.
“You have to get better.” I whispered as I stroked her messy hair and kissed her forehead. “Says the boy that trades meds for oxy. Right?” I squinted my eyes at her. “I keep track of you just like you do me. I just won’t talk to anyone.” “Why is that?” She closed her eyes and nuzzled under my chin. “It doesn’t matter. I love you, Joshua.” She laced her fingers with mine and I kissed her head again. “I’ll leave the pills alone if you promise to start eating. I love you, you can’t die from this.” “That’s the point of this.” She sniffed a little and shifted herself under me. “Try, for me. Please.” She rubbed her leg over mine and sighed. “Happy two months.” She whispered before kissing my chin slowly and softly.
She’s down the hall and almost every night, I hear her screaming to get out. Or hear her banging her head on the metal bar of her bed. They’ve had to put her in a strait jacket a few times. My parents have been here twice already with Mike and Ian to see me but no one’s come for her yet. She’s called home, according to the night shift nurses, but they won’t pick up the phone. I sometimes see her during meal times, when she’s not in solitary, but she hardly eats. They tried keeping her there once until she ate her food… and she sat in the same seat with her arms crossed for 24 hours. No bullshit- a whole 24 hours. After meal times, they won’t let us go to the bathroom, so if she eats, she goes into the hallway and throws up. She’s extremely thin now and they don’t know what to do. One of the day nurses left the toiletry cart out, and Echo somehow grabbed a razor. They had to rush her to the hospital, now she’s supposedly on watch. They’re doing a horrible job.
I haven’t gotten much better. My parents bring me money every time they see me and I make a trade with this guy, Brennan, at the end of the hallway. It’s not heroin, but oxy, and I give him a couple of my depression pills and 10 dollars for 12 pills. I don’t know how he gets it, but I don’t care. This mellows me out. Right now, I was high, at 4:32 AM and watching the wind blow through the trees from my window. I couldn’t hear Echo tonight, which meant they either drugged her up really well or she just ended up in solitary again. Probably the latter, hopefully the first. I’ve been doing so “well” lately, that they quit locking my doors. They knew I had insomnia pretty bad, Echo too, so they kept my door unlocked in case I needed to escape a bit. I definitely did. The white walls and white tile floors killed me. The florescent lights didn’t help. There was only a brown dresser in the corner to match my wooden twin bed frame and the blue sheets were supposed to give the place some “color.” It just made it look extremely sad.
I walked out of my room and down the hall, like normal, to room 220 and sat outside of the door. I tried to listen for any movement but didn’t hear any. Tonight was extra sad. We’d been together for nearly two months now and she won’t talk to me. She won’t look at me. This was my fault, all of it, but I needed her to know how much she meant to me. Last I heard, everyone still blames her dad, except Matt. He knows the truth since he had to loan me money… but this was all my fault. “I love you.” I said through the door, hoping she’d hear me. But I got no response. I’d been writing a lot of music in here so I closed my eyes and started singing part of what I wrote. “Now, I do, I want you to know I’ll hold you up, above everyone. And I do, I want you to know I think you’ll be good to me- and I’d be so good to you…” I kept singing gently, loud enough for her to hear me yet quiet enough for me to not get in trouble. I thought I heard someone on the other side so I stopped singing. “Baby, please let me in.” It’s been so long, I just needed to hug her. She opened the door and I stood up extremely fast. So fast, mind you, I got a headache. She stood there with a long shirt on and no pants. There were bruises all over her legs and arms and her hair was a mess. But she never looked so beautiful. I hugged her and cried. “Josh, I’m sorry.” She whispered. She closed the door and we laid on her bed together with the blanket over us.
“You have to get better.” I whispered as I stroked her messy hair and kissed her forehead. “Says the boy that trades meds for oxy. Right?” I squinted my eyes at her. “I keep track of you just like you do me. I just won’t talk to anyone.” “Why is that?” She closed her eyes and nuzzled under my chin. “It doesn’t matter. I love you, Joshua.” She laced her fingers with mine and I kissed her head again. “I’ll leave the pills alone if you promise to start eating. I love you, you can’t die from this.” “That’s the point of this.” She sniffed a little and shifted herself under me. “Try, for me. Please.” She rubbed her leg over mine and sighed. “Happy two months.” She whispered before kissing my chin slowly and softly.