Fear of Flying

“I’m not trying to ruin the new vibes you’ve got going on lately but I just want to point out- ever since you came home from your romantic getaway with Harry, you haven’t mentioned Zayn once.”

I scoffed at Mary’s words, “It wasn’t a romantic getaway thank you very much.” I tried to ignore her patronizing look by whipping down the counter. It’s been almost a week since I got back from Harry’s cabin and he has not stopped being on my mind no matter how hard I tried. I hadn’t seen him at all since then because One Direction has been super busy this week with interviews and appearances in America. I tried to use that as a way to get back on track with my thoughts and ridiculous feelings, but it didn’t help that he would text me at random times.

“Right, because friends just go off to a cabin for a week like no big deal.”

I sent her a blank face, “It wasn’t a big deal. We just hung out, watched some films and just talked. That was it.” I started fixing the stack of cups as a way to avoid her stair, “Plus I’m trying to get over Zayn and be okay with all of this.”

She groaned, “Your maturity is so boring.”

“Sorry to disappoint.”

“You should totally jump his bones when he gets back from the states,” she laughed as I just rolled my eyes.

Today felt like it was dragging one. It was a slow day to the coffee shop, which didn’t help time move any quicker. I just wanted to go home and have some much needed girl time with El since it’s been a while since we both had nights off and boyfriend free (for her anyway).

“There’s a party tonight, if you’re interested,” Mary said as she propped herself up on the counter behind me.

I smiled but shook my head, “Nah, I think I’ll pass. I think I just need a night in.”

“You’re so boring. You don’t have class tomorrow and you don’t want to come out with me,” she whined.

I chuckled, “Another time, I promise”

She scoffed, “Sometimes, I feel like you’re older than me, not the other way around. You’re a bore!” she shouted as she headed into the back room.

“Love you too!”

*****

After work, I headed straight to Eleanor’s, where she already had pizza waiting as well as an abundance of candy. “We’re doing this proper tonight,” she explained when I eyed the massive bags of chocolate and licorice on the table.

I nodded, “Well I’d say we’re gonna have a good night!”

We made ourselves comfortable on the couch and started attacking the food as we tried to decide on something to watch on tellie.

We were zoned out watching A League of Their Own when Eleanor finally brought up the subject I knew she’d been dying to talk about since the weekend. “Can I ask what’s going on with you and Harry?”

I shrugged as I sucked on the end of a piece of licorice, “Nothing.”

“Don’t give me that, I know you a lot better than that,” she huffed. “Ever since you got back you’ve been… different. Did something happen between you two?”

I shook my head as I swallowed, “No. Nothing happened, promise. But… I think… I don’t know, I think I wish something had.” I couldn’t look at her, I was so embarrassed.

“What’s wrong with that?”

“What isn’t wrong with that El?” I asked finally looking over at her concerned face. “He’s not only ‘Harry Styles,’ but he’s also my best friends. I mean, let’s pretend that I didn’t have a best friend to lose over- whatever these feelings may be. Let’s just focus on the rest yeah?” I shifted my body so I was angled towards her. “Harry Styles doesn’t date Uni students. He doesn’t date anyone who’s not a model- with the exception of Taylor Swift and Caroline Flak,” I said when she went to interrupt me. “But let’s face it, those women are out of this world beautiful too. But I can’t compete with that. Even if I knew what I was feeling, which I’m pretty sure it just come crush my mind is trying to use to get over the Zayn situation, there’s no point in pursuing these feelings. Harry and I would never happen.”

She nodded slowly as she took in my words, “Can I ask why you think this?”

“Aside from all the evidence of his dating record?” I shrugged. “Maybe it’s because back when you first introduced us, and we were kind of dating, he ended it to go out with some model who’s name I can’t even remember anymore.”

“What? That’s why you guys decided to be friends?” She asked shocked, “Why didn’t you tell me that?”

“I was embarrassed, I don’t know,” I shrugged. “It wasn’t a big deal. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about him, and he was gentlemanly about it. Plus, then I met Zayn soon after and didn’t have time to dwell on the fact that Harry didn’t want to date me because I was ‘average.’”

She scoffed, “You are so not average Kennedy.”

“Maybe not. But I’m definitely not Harry Styles type- which is 90% models and 10% hot famous birds.”

“So… what? You’re just going to turn off your feelings?”

I reached for a piece of chocolate, “That’s basically the plan. I mean, I think I only feel this way because my brain is trying to focus on anything else besides Zayn and Perrie. I’m trying to be okay with that, and I think this is my brains way of trying to move on?” I sighed, “I don’t know, but I’m not digging it.”

She was looking at me like she had a lot more to say but decided not to push it. “Well, if that’s what you think is best…”

“I do,” I shrugged, “I guess. No better option really.”

She made a skeptical face as she reached for the remote to change the channel, “If you say so. You know I’m here for you if you want to talk about it more.”

I patted her leg almost patronizingly, “I know. You always are Ellie.”

She scoffed at me as she looked for something to watch. She stopped on some celebrity gossip show that was talking about the boys in America. “I can’t wait until they get home,” she sighed.

“Only two days, I think you can handle it.”

“You’re such a twat,” She smacked my arm before focusing back on the tellie- which was showing a picture of Harry behind the wheel of a range rover and Kendall Jenner riding passenger.

I tried to ignore the sting in my chest at the sight as I swallowed the lump in my throat. “See,” I sighed. “Models. He only dates models.”

“They’re probably just friends Kenny,” she defended.

“Yeah,” I huffed. “He has a lot of friends.”

She sent me a sharp look, “He goes to dinner with you, you know.”

She was right, but somehow none of this felt the same.

*****

Trying to study with Alfie was basically pointless. I’ve always known this, but I continue to think ‘this time will be different.’ It wasn’t different when he, El and I went to the library yesterday and this time was no different either. I should have known instantly when he walked into my flat with his acoustic, but I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But as I tried to find a topic to do my creative writing midterm essay about, he sat on my floor with his back against my couch, playing different melodies and jotting down lyrics. “This is studying!” He said after I ragged on him about doing his course work. “Music is my future, I’m paving the way for a better life and all that.”

I rolled my eyes, “And I 100% back your music and your ambitions, but you still need to pass your classes.”

He shrugged, “I’ll just tie music into my essay. I do my best work last minute anyway.”

“I wish I had your stress free mentality,” I sighed.

He hopped up on the couch next to me, crossing his legs as he faced me with his guitar at the ready in his lap. “Shall I sing you a song to help you relax? A little Ed Sheeran? James Arthur perhaps? I know what you like!”

I laughed as I shook my head, “Oh no. I need to focus and you’re one big distraction. I don’t know why I keep agreeing to study with you when you never do anything productive.”

He scoffed as he fiddled with his guitar strings, “Because I have the best company!”

“That’s debatable sometimes,” I sassed.

“Oi! Watch it missy,” he said as he flicked his pic at me.

It hit me in the forehead and fell into my lap. I grabbed it and threw it back at his face, “You’re such a twat.”

“It’s my life goal, to always be a twat!”

We were laughing and kicking at each other like children when we heard my door open and close. I froze and spun around in my seat to see who had just walked into my flat and there stood Harry in the entrance to the living room. He looked tired, like he literally just stepped off the plane (which I’m pretty sure he did judging by the carryon bag over his shoulder), and he was standing there like he just walked in on something he shouldn’t have. “Harry!” I smiled, “I didn’t know you were coming.” I jumped off the couch and went straight for him, pulling him into a huge.

“Uh, yeah. I’m sorry, I should have called,” he stammered, “I didn’t mean to interrupt.” He awkwardly patted my back.

“Nah, mate, its fine. I should leave anyway,” Alfie said getting up.

“No, I’ll leave you two… continue-” Harry broke off as he pulled away from me. His surprised look when he walked in was morphed into one of irritation.

Aflie waved him off, “I’ve got band practice. I was going to leave soon anyway.”

I turned to him with my hands on my hips and gave him a stern look, “You haven’t even done 10 seconds of studying.”

Alfie laughed, “Don’t give me that mom look. I’m a grown man, I’ll study when I want. Don’t worry.”

He started packing up his untouched books as I turned to Harry, “I’m gonna walk him out yeah? You make yourself at home.”

“I think he already has,” Alfie laughed off handedly as he walked around us towards the door. Harry visibly tensed in front of me and I shot him a warning look. “Good to see you mate. Welcome home,” Alfie smiled at Harry as I went to follow him to the door.

“Thanks,” Harry bit out coldly.

I ushered Alfie out as I shut the door behind us and walked him to the lift, “Sorry, I think he’s just tired from the plane.”

Alfie shrugged, “It’s alright. He doesn’t like me much anyway.”

“That’s not-”

“It is,” he cut me off with a chuckle. “You didn’t see the look he was giving me when you hugged me,” he laughed again. “But it’s cool. I get it.”

“Well I don’t,” I grumbled. “I don’t know what he’s such a wanker some times.”

Alfie gave me this curious knowing look like he was trying to figure me out. As the lift door opened, the look was gone and he just smiled at me, “Well I’ll see you in class tomorrow.” He leaned in and kissed my forehead, “Sorry if I caused some tension,” he gestured to my closed flat door.

I rolled my eyes, “You didn’t. Have fun at practice.” He saluted me in farewell as the lift doors shut and I slowly walked back to my flat.

When I walked in Harry was sitting back on my couch, with his eyes closed. When I closed the door, his head shot up alarmed like maybe he had dosed off a little. “I’m sorry about just barging in. I didn’t… I didn’t think, I just came over. I’ll know better for next time.”

I waved him off as I sat next to him on the couch, “It’s fine. You weren’t interrupting anything but me trying to get Alfie to do something productive.” I patted his hand that lay on his thigh, “Plus you know you’re welcome over where whenever you want.”

He smiled tiredly as he flipped his hand over and laced out fingers together. My heart beat accelerated and I yelled at myself in my head for reacting that way. “I missed you,” he mumbled in an overly thick voice. His voice always got deeper when he was exhausted.

I felt my face heat up in a blush at his words as I looked down at our intertwined fingers. But just as I was letting myself slip into all things Harry, that picture from the tellie of him and the mini Kardashian popped into my head and my heart immediately dropped and I slowly pulled my hand from his. I know he wasn’t doing this on purpose, but I didn’t need these types of mind games. Not now after I’m trying to get over one with his bandmate.

I cleared my throat and sat up more, trying to rid myself of the effect Harry was having on me (plus trying to rid my head of all the stuff I saw the last two days about those two). He sent me a concerned look at my obvious rigidness, “So how was LA? See anything or anyone exciting?”

He looked at me curiously before he slowly shook his head, “Not really. Just same basic thing- interviews, tellie appearances, almost no downtime really.”

‘Almost no downtime.’

‘Almost.’

“Are you hungry?” I said, desperately trying to change the subject. “I can make you something.”

I went to get up but he gently grabbed my shoulder to stop me, “No, I’m fine. We ate on the plane.”

“Oh,” I nodded as I relaxed back into the couch. I was feeling weird sitting next to him- so close that are hip and legs were touching (since he was sprawled out in the middle, I had no other choice). This was the first time I’ve been with him since he dropped me off last weekend and it just felt… weird, for lack of a better term.

He fidgeted next to me as he sat up, “I um,” he cleared his throat, “I got you something actually.”

“What? Really?” I couldn’t lie, I loved getting gifts.

He nodded as he pulled his carryon back between his feet and started digging around. “Yeah, it’s not much but I thought of you when I saw it.”

He pulled out a rolled up white shirt and tossed it into my lap. “Oh, uh thank you.” I unrolled in and held it in front of me. It said ‘T-Rex hates pushups’ with a picture of a T-Rex trying to do a pushup. “Is this a crack at me for hating the gym,” I smirked at him.

He bit his lip, trying to hide his smile, but the dimples gave it away like always, “Maybe.”

I laughed as I nudged my shoulder into his, “You’re such a tosser, but I love it. Thank you,” I said sincerity. “But you really didn’t have to get me anything.”

“You always say that, but do I ever listen.”

I shrugged, “Guess not.” It was like the tension was a little less thick, and we were just Harry and Kenny again. I folded the shirt back up and placed it in my lap, “Are you staying the night?”

He shrugged as he leaned back into the couch. He honestly looked minutes away from crashing, “I don’t want to impose.”

I scoffed and smacked his knee, “You’re not imposing, you know that. Plus it’s almost 10 and you look like a walking zombie.”

He hummed, “Thanks for the compliment. You’re so sweet.”

I rolled my eyes and stood up, “Come on.” I held my hand out too him, “You can crash on my bed. I’ll make us some tea.”

He smiled as he grabbed my hand and let me pull him up, “Tea sounds good.”

I grabbed his bag and guided him to my room, even though we both knew he knew exactly where it was. “Here,” I dropped his bag on my bed, “Get comfortable, and I’ll get make tea.”

I left him to it and went into the kitchen to put the kettle on. As I waited for the water to boil I went to grab my history book to finish reading the last of the chapter I was on to kill time.

Before I prepared Harry a cuppa I went into my room to check on him and sure enough his was passed out on my bed on top of the covers- in only his tight black jeans. Typical. I shut the light off and went back to the kitchen to drink my tea and finish my reading.

It was comforting and a bit unsettling to know I had Harry asleep in my bed. We’ve shared a bed countless times, but I knew I was putting myself in a dangerous position now, especially with this annoying crush I seemed to develop.

Plus, he may or may not be dating Kendall Jenner. The last thing I needed was to step on anyone’s toes. But then that thought annoyed me. Why should I be worried about spending time with my best friend? So we were sharing a bed, it was innocent. No matter how much I wished it wasn’t.
My brain was my own worst enemy, I swear to god.

I pushed all thoughts of Harry and models and my stupid new infatuation out of my head and focused on my tea and reading.

I think I spent a good half hour in my kitchen studying before I finally finished the reading and decided that sleep was probably a good option since I had early class tomorrow.

Walking back into my room, I found that Harry had moved since I last check on him. He was now turned on his side, facing the empty space on the bed beside him, and was under the covers.

I grabbed sleep shorts out of my dresser, and grabbed my new T-Tex shirt and headed for my bathroom to change. I took my time in there- in no hurry to crawl into bed next to the guy that’s been plaguing my thoughts for a week straight.

But once I had washed my face and pulled my hair into a messy bun, there was nothing left to do but go to bed. So I shut off the bathroom light and walked into my dark room that was filled with the soft breathing of my best friend.

I carefully pulled the covers back and crawled in as softly as possible to not wake him. I got settled in on my side, facing away with him and sighed contently as my bed felt so inviting.

Just as I was sighing into contentment, Harry shifted. His arms wrapped around my middle and pulled me back into him so I was the little spoon, “Finally,” he said groggily. I couldn’t tell if he was really awake or not since I couldn’t see his face at this angle, but the sensation of him nuzzling my neck was a pretty good indication that he was asleep and had no idea it was me laying next to him.

It was even more apparent when he started sponging kisses across my shoulder before settling back on the pillow we now shared. “’Night,” he barely mumbled before his breathing was deep again.
Me on the other hand- I was wide awake. My heard was practically beating out of my chest and I had been holding my breath so long I thought I would pass out it I didn’t sigh out when I was holding in.

Yeah, this was a terrible idea.