Fear of Flying

I slept better that night than I had in a long time. Which is strange since every time Harry moved, I moved and would wake up for a few moments before falling back into slumber. I remember at one point, I woke up to him pulling me closer against his chest. One of his arms was under my neck while the other was wrapped around my waist. One of his legs was between mine while I had a leg draped over his hip. I could feel his breath fan into my hair as his fingers at the base of my back lightly scratched into my skin before he completely fell asleep again.

I was so comfortable, and still half asleep that I didn’t have time to think about how we’ve never slept like this before in all the times we’ve shared a bed, before I fell asleep again.

In the morning, I woke up alone and to the smell of bacon. I took my time, rolling onto my back and stretching- trying to wake my brain up enough to want to crawl out of bed for whatever Harry was making.

That, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he held me all night. My heart was beating at a rapid pace as I thought about his fingers against the skin of my back and how he kept pulling me against him if I rolled away in my slumber.

Things had changed, even I could honestly admit that to myself. We never cuddled, unless he was wasted. Drunk Harry was cuddly Harry, but even then it was never to this intimacy level. It felt different last night.

Especially when I crawled into bed. Though, I’m still convinced he thought I was someone else in his sleepy confusion. Kendall perhaps? Or a number of other girls he’s seen with but never confirms or denies to anyone, including me. He’s always kept that part of his life out of our friendship for the most part. He never asked about Zayn, I never asked about whom he was sharing a bed with at night.

Maybe I’m just reading too much into it, because my morbid brain wants me too. For some reason my body and mind are completely against the rational side of me and this stupid crush on Harry is going to be my undoing.

I don’t need a rebound. That was the last thing I needed to get over Zayn, especially if that rebound was Harry. Nothing good could come of that. I’d just end up shot down and my ego would be wounded. If I must have a rebound, Alfie would be the ideal choice. Alfie was safe, untouchable almost. He was so carefree, dethatched almost. Plus, he had offered to be my distraction. Maybe I was too quick to dismiss his offer. Maybe I should talk to him about it.

Anything to get these misguided feelings for Harry to stop.

With a heavy sigh, I finally pushed myself out of bed and headed towards the kitchen. Harry was at the stove, sans shirt, in only his tight jeans. I watched as he grabbed a piece of bacon off the plate next to the skillet, took a bite as he dropped another done piece on the plate.

“Hey,” I said softly.

He sent me a warm smile over his shoulder (I ignored the jump in my stomach at that), “Morning. All you had was bacon in your fridge so,” he shrugged, “I hope you don’t mind me making it for us.”

I shook my head as I walked further into the kitchen, stealing the tea mug that was next to him and took a sip. He made a face at me as he shook his head back to the bacon. “It’s fine. I have to go to Tesco later. I’ve been putting it off.” I took another sip of the tea, “There’s too much sugar in this.”

He scoffed, “One- that’s my cup of tea. Second- no there isn’t, there’s like one spoon full!”

“Exactly. A spoon full too many,” I laughed.

“Then maybe you should make your own.”

“But yours was already sitting here waiting for me.”

He sent me a playful glare, “Not exactly, but sure, we can share my sugary tea.” He dropped the last piece of bacon onto the plate with the rest and turned off the cooker. “Come, let’s eat in front of the tellie.”

I nodded and followed him to my couch, where the tellie was already on to the morning news.

We sat on the couch, with the plate of bacon between us and took turns passing the mug of tea back and forth as he absentmindedly flipped through channels. I tried my best to completely ignore his naked upper half as I nibbled on the oh so healthy breakfast he made.

We were quiet for some time as we ate. I assume he was into whatever was on the tellie, but my mind was still on last night. Plus his night out in America. “So… kendall Jenner?”

He shot me a confused look, “What?”

Saw a think about it on the tellie when I was with Eleanor,” I shrugged.

“We’re just friends.”

I focused on the half eaten bacon in my hand, “Okay.”

“Why? Do you not believe me?”

I shook my head, “No I do.”

“Are you jealous?”

I snapped my gaze up at him in a glare. He was smiling cheekily over at me, “No!” Yes.
He shook his head in a silent laugh as he turned back to the tellie, “Why were you watching that anyway? You know it’s all rubbish. Bullshit to get ratings.”

I shrugged, “It just came on. I don’t know, you guys looked like you had fun.” Lie. Lie. Lie.
“We did. But it was just dinner and hanging out. Nothing to write home about.”

I hated how dismissive he was about the whole thing. Like he was hiding what really happened, or he really just didn’t give a shit. It was hard to tell in this situation. I decided to just let it go, it wasn’t my business anyway and it’s just torture me if he gave me any real details.

“So what are you plans for the day?” he asked as he settled on a rerun of Downton Abbey.

I shrugged, “Aside from going food shopping, nothing. I should probably study a bit more too eventually.”

“How about you come with me to see Grimmy and I’ll go shopping with you later?”

I contemplated this for a moment as I handed him back his tea. “I’ll take you up on the offer of seeing Grimmy, but I’ll pass on your shopping help.”

“Hey! I’m a fantastic help with a buggy!”

“I never said you weren’t,” I defended. “But shopping with you means we’d need your security team, and we’d continuously get stopped and it’d take ages when I could just go alone and it’d take me about a half hour.”

He huffed and shrugged, “Fine. Don’t take my help. I’ll remember this.”

I laughed at his ridiculousness, “Believe me, I’m grateful that you offered.” I stood up after I stole and downed the rest of the tea, “I’m gonna shower.”

“Oi! You drank all of my tea!”

“Technically it’s my tea,” I called over my shoulder as I walked down the hallway. “My flat, my tea!”

*****

No matter what day or time it was, Grimmy was always in-your-face hyper. “Harry! You brought Miss Kennedy!” He exclaimed as we walked into his house. “Come here love,” he pulled me into a massive hug. “I haven’t seen you since before the lads left for tour! How have you been?”

I laughed at how fast he was talking, “I’m alright.”

“How are you really?” He asked giving me a stern look, “Just know, I was team you over Zayn.”

“Grim!” Harry barked.

“What? She’s gotta know I love her more than the Bradford boy.” He dismissed Harry’s warning with a flick of his wrist as we walked into his living room, where he pulled me onto the couch next to him. “Now tell me, are you moving on?”

“I’m working on it,” I shrugged. It was hard not to love Grimmy no matter how nosey he was.

“Is there another lad? Are you getting over one guy by getting over another?”

“Jesus Grimmy,” Harry moaned from the recliner.

“What?” he exasperated. “Everyone needs a good fuck to help get over someone else. It’s science Harold!” He turned back to me, “Can I set you up with someone? I’ve got a few gents in mind if you want.”

Harry answered before I could even take a breath, “She doesn’t need you to set her up Nick. Lay off.” He had a stern warning glare for his mate.

Grimmy scoffed, “God you’re so ‘brig brother’ right now. Tone it down, she can speak for herself!” He turned back to me, “What about James Arthur? He’s single, and I know he’s had some shit press recently but-”

“Grimmy, can you not?” Harry groaned.

Grimmy huffed in annoyance, “What are you so- oh.” His face turned to shock like he just remembered something, “Woops. Yeah, never mind. He’s right, you don’t need my help love. I’ve got shit taste in lads anyway.” He sent Harry and apologetic glace as he sat back and Harry visibly relaxed.

I shrugged choosing to ignore the bit on tension in the room, “Thanks anyway Nick, but I think I can handle this on my own.”

He patted my leg, “I know. Sometimes I just get over excited about ideas that roll through my brain and get carried away. But you’re okay, yeah? I know you and Zayn weren’t serious, but you’re good?”

I smiled at his concern, “I will be. I’m getting there.” I looked over at Harry and even though his shoulders were still tense, he still sent me an encouraging smile. That’s all it took to completely melt my heart and speed it up at the same time.

His dimples were on display and a stray curl was hung low over his right eye. He was effortlessly beautiful and it was the best and most annoying thing ever.

I watched as he got into a conversation with Grimmy about music. I watched his facial expressions closely, like how he rolled his tongue inside his mouth as he listened, and how his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Every once in awhile, he’d catch my eye and give me there barely there smile, like we were in on some secret together that no one else knew. He was driving me mad, and he wasn’t even doing anything.

How did I get here, to this point? Of all the people to project my misplaced feelings for Zayn on, it had to be him of all people? The one guy I’d never have a shot with, the one that would never see me as anything more than just his friend? The one I was afraid to even think about because I knew if I said anything that would be it, it would ruin our friendship. I knew that was something I couldn’t lose, I wasn’t willing to gamble on that no matter how much he made my heart race.

It just wasn’t in the cards for me and Harry and the sooner my mind and body realized that, the better.

*****

Eleanor ended up going to Tesco with me. I was surprised to hear from her since Louis just got home the night before, but I guess he went to see his family for a few days and since she has class, she stayed behind. “No matter how much time I spend here,” she said as we placed all the bags on the kitchen counter, “I always forget how tiny your flat is.”

I scoffed, “It’s not tiny, it’s cozy! We can’t all live in a big house with our boyfriend!” I shot, causing her to stick her tongue out at me.

“Forgive me. Your flat is cozy. Too cozy.”

“Oh shut up and help me put all this away!”

She chuckled as she started emptying bags and putting things in cabinets and the fridge with me. “Have you seen Harry yet?”

I nodded, “Yeah, he came straight here from the airport. He stayed over and then we hung out with Grimmy earlier.”

She stopped what she was doing to look at me curiously, “He came here last night?”

“Yep.”

“And slept where? The couch?”

I gave her a flat look, “No.”

“You think that was a good idea?”

“Why?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know. Maybe because a few days ago you told me you had a little crush on him that you were adamant about ignoring. I’m just not seeing how letting him share your bed is supposed to help with that.”

I poked at a chip in the tile of my counter, “I can’t say no to him,” I said softly.

She sighed, “Kenny.” She came around the counter so she was right in front of me. “The way I see it- you have a lot of shit to sort out. With Zayn and Harry both. You can’t just keep ignoring all your problems until the go away, that’s not how real life works.”

I looked up at her desperately, “Well what am I supposed to do?”

“You want my honest advice?”

I bit my lip, “I think so…”

She sighed, “You need to fix things with Zayn. You need to talk to him and forgive him so you can really, honestly move on.”

“I know. I’m just not sure how to go about that.”

“Just rip it off like a bandaid. It’s going to hurt and be hard to deal with, but you need to do it. There’s no ignoring him, he’s all over the papers, and we’re all in the same circles. You’re going to have to talk to him eventually, and probably Perrie too.”

I winced, “I know,” I huffed. “I know all of this, I’m just trying to mentally prepare myself for it all.”

“Well Louis’ is throwing a homecoming party next weekend, you can do it there.”

I barked out a weak laugh, “Thanks for the heads up.”

“I’m giving you a whole week to prepare here!” she exclaimed. “Your attendance is mandatory by the way. He’ll be there, and there is a 99% chance he’ll be bringing Perrie. It’s time to put your big girl knickers on and face the music like an adult.”

I stomped my foot like a child at her words, “Fine. I’ll figure it out. I can’t promise I’ll have a grand conversation with him, but I’ll make an effort yeah?”

She nodded, “Good. Now Harry.”

“It’s nothing,” I insisted.

She scoffed, “No it isn’t. It’s getting worse, I can tell.”

I hated that she knew me so well. “I’m just going to focus on something else.”

“Something, or someone?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes.”

I groaned.

“Look, all I’m saying is that maybe you always had something there with Harry. You’ve always got on incredibly well, but maybe you were so swept up into Zayn you hadn’t noticed.”

I shook my head, “Even if that were true, which it isn’t, he’s still not barking up my tree- if you know what I mean.”

“You don’t know that.”

“And neither so you,” I challenged.

She waved me off, “You need to admit to yourself that you like him, first of all.”

“No.”

“Yes! Admit it and then we can figure out what you’re going to do.”

“I’m not going to do anything!”

She huffed at my stubbornness, “What if he can make you really happy? He does make you happy!”

I rolled my eyes, “We can play the ‘what if’ game all we want, but it still doesn’t change anything because I’ll never be anything more than a friend to Harry. He ditched me for a model once before, I’m not going down that road again Eleanor.”

“Kennedy-”

“No!” I snapped. “Look, can we just-” I sighed, “Can we just not talk about this anymore? I’m not 100% over Zayn and I’ll never be in Harry’s league. Hell, I was never in Zayn’s and that is now obnoxiously clear.” I tore my gaze from her when she gave me this pitiful look. I couldn’t take that, not from her. “Let’s just… let’s just focus on one thing at a time. The Harry thing is never going to happen, but I can be okay with Zayn again. I have a whole week to be okay with seeing him and Perrie together, and prepare myself to even have a nice conversation with the both of them if it comes down to it. Let’s just focus on that yeah?”

Her shoulder slumped as she gave up her argument, “Alright. We can focus on that.”