Fear of Flying

I had called my mom practically sobbing the night I found out everything was a lie.

I’d just left Eleanor and Louis’ after going over there demanding answers and screaming at my best friend when she didn’t deserve it at all.

“What are you going on about?” she asked, shocked after I pushed my way into their home a crying mess and shrieking at them.

I took a deep breath trying to get myself together, but my words just came out in a sob anyway, “Harry. Why didn’t you tell me Harry was in love with me?”

Her expression was still one of shock, but it softened a bit, “Harry’s in- I didn’t know.”

“I did,” Louis said in an awkward cough from the couch.

His girlfriend whipped around to turn her shocked expression on him, “You did? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you say anything?”

He shrugged, “Wasn’t my place. He told me not to say anything. Bro’s Before Hoes. It’s guy code, sorry.” He looked over at me with pity, “I really am sorry Ken. How’d you find out?”

I whipped the drying tears off my cheeks, “Zayn told me. And I just came from Harry’s.”

“This is good though, right?” El asked as she laid a comforting hand on mine. “Now that you know he feels the same way?”

“Wait, Kennedy’s in love with Harry too?” Louis exclaimed, talking to his girlfriend like I wasn’t actually in the room to confirm or deny this myself. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

She glared at him, “Same reason you didn’t tell me Harry was in love with her! Sisters Over Misters you nitwit!” And even though I was in a shit mood, I couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped my lips as they bickered. She turned her attention back to me, “So what happened at Harry’s? Why are you here crying when you should be with him, happy?”

I told her what happened and she and Louis told me I was mental. But they just didn’t understand. No one did.

So when I left their house, I called the only person I knew that might understand- my mom. She convinced me that I needed a mini holiday to Greece to see her and dad.

I didn’t need any more convincing than a simple suggestion before I was emailing my professors telling them I had a “family emergency” and they were emailing back agreeing to send me the lectures. I also called Justin and Liza and told them I was going to see my parents for a few days, and they were quick to tell me that my shifts would be covered.

Then I was booking the first flight out and texting Eleanor to let her know I’d be back in a few days. She said I shouldn’t just take off like this, but that she understood.

My mom picked me up from the airport alone, without my dad, and I managed to keep it together long enough to get to the car. That’s when I started crying again and retold her everything that happened. “It just doesn’t make sense mom,” I cried. “Lads like him don’t like ordinary girls like me.”

She scoffed like that was the most ludicrous thing she’d ever heard. “You’re anything but ordinary Kennedy.” We were sitting in the car in the carpark of the airport as she tried to comfort me out of my hysterical states. “I don’t know why you think so little of yourself when it comes to this boy, honey. He loves you, he said it himself!”

“If he loved me why is he parading around with Kendall Jenner?” I shrieked.

“What are you parading around with Alfie?”

And that affectively shut me up.

How does she do that?

When I continued to sit there, staring out blankly, she continued, “Maybe he was trying to do the same thing were you doing honey. Maybe he was trying to get over you because he didn’t think you’d feel the same way about him. He may have made some condescending choices in the beginning- you’re both still so young, but did you ever think that maybe by the time he realized his mistake you were already infatuated with Zayn? You told me yourself that he said he just wanted you to be happy, that’s why he never said anything.”

I was crying again, but for a different reason this time. I felt guilty. I never thought that maybe Harry was going through the same things I was and it hurt to realize that. I sniffed as I whipped my tears, “Can we just go home mom. I’m so exhausted and everything’s a mess.”

She ran her fingers through my hair like she always did to calm me down when I was younger, “Of course honey.” She started the car, “Let’s make dinner and we can curl up on the couch and watch chick flicks, yeah?”

I smiled through my tears, “That sounds amazing right now.” We were pulling out onto the motorway when a thought crossed my mind, “Hey mom? Do you think we could… not tell Dad about all this.”

She chuckled, “Sweetie, who do you think you’re talking to? You’re dad still thinks you’re his virginal little princess. He thinks you’re here to get away from the stress of exams.” Over the years, mom and I had a nonverbal agreement to bend the truth with some things when it came to my father. It wasn’t that my dad and I didn’t have a good relationship, because we did, he just wasn’t really there for me mentally. Like, growing up, and still today, he was all about work. He worked for a marketing firm, and it tended to take up a lot of his time. He’d always manage to make it to the important things; dance recitals, parent-teacher meetings, and he even taught me how to ride a bike. But he was never the person I went to to just talk about my day, or vent about life issues.

That was mom’s job, and it always would be.

*****

When you think of Greece, I bet you all think of that scene in The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants where Lena is on a donkey, riding up a hill to her grandparents house.

That’s not how my parents lived.

They lived on the side of a hill that looked over the water and country side, yes, but their cozy 2 bedroom house was extremely modernized like most of Athens is today. Now, keep in mind, we are by no means Greek, dad’s job just moved him here a few years ago, and since I was in Uni, there was no reason for them to stay in the UK.

Dad came home late, which I guess was normal because mom didn’t seem to mind. We were half way through My Best Friend’s Wedding (moms favorite) when he came in. Dad greeted both of us with a hug and a kiss on the cheek and he told me it was nice to come home to both of his favorite birds again.

I watched from a kitchen chair as mom fixed and reheated dinner for him and he leaned against the counter next to here, relaxing his tie and asked about our night and how my flight was.

It also warmed my heart to watch him grab my mom around the waist from behind and pepper kisses across her neck and shoulders as she fixed his meal. Even after all these years, and all the long hours he put in at the office, he was still completely in love with my mother.

“Ick, get a room,” I mocked with a massive smile.

Dad turned and pointed a finger at me, “We did get a room. Actually, a whole house!” he said gesturing with his hands to the whole kitchen. “You’re the guest in this house now Kennedy Jane.” Mom smacked his shoulder playfully as she handed him his plate.

You never quite realize how much you miss your parents until you don’t live with them anymore. Watching them now, I got a tug of nostalgia in my chest.

Dad watched the rest of the movie with us (but not without complaining that he’s seen it over 100 times) before he and mom retired to bed. They both kissed me goodnight before disappearing into their bedroom.

I on the other hand, was still wide awake. After the last 2 days I had, I thought I’d be passed out before I even got to the house from the airport, but I was only 11pm and I was still wired.

I spent my time curled up on the couch flipping channels until I stopped on a Greek soap opera. I had no idea what was being said, except for a few words here and there but I watched it anyway.

Around midnight, my silent phone started vibrating with an incoming call. When I glanced at it and saw Harry’s name lit up across my screen I panicked and hit ignore. I was nowhere near ready to deal with that.

But then it started vibrating again.

And again.

And again.

No matter how many times I ignored his him, he kept calling.

Finally after about the 6th call I caved and answered, “Harry-”

“I know it’s late,” he cut off, “But I’m outside.”

“Outside?” I sighed, “Harry I’m not home, I’m at my parents.”

“I know. And I’m outside.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

I heard him huff through the phone, “It means that when I talked to Eleanor and she told me you went to your parents, I got on a flight and now I’m here in Greece outside of your parents house and it’s a bit cold and I don’t want to dig in my bag to get my jumper so can you please let me in?”

I was paralyzed on the couch. I wasn’t sure if I was even breathing. “You’re here?” I whispered.

“Yes,” he said just as softly. “I couldn’t sit and wait for you to come back, I really want to talk to you. Will you please let me in?”

“Okay,” I said slowly as I pushed myself to my feet. “Just- you just have to be quiet, my parents are asleep.”

“Okay.”

I kept the phone to my ear as I walked to the front door. I think I was still in denial that he was really outside until I opened the door and there he was- typical Harry; a fedora over his curls, a thin grey v-neck and tight black jeans with a small duffle bag over his shoulder. “You weren’t joking,” I said as I lowered the phone from my ear, ending the call.

“I wasn’t joking,” he whispered. His eyes were boring into mine which I’m sure read nothing but shock to actually see him here on my parent’s doorstep in Greece. “Can I come in?”

I nodded dumbly as I stepped out of the way and let him in. I shut the door and then turned to face him. We were both standing awkwardly in the entry way, not sure what to do, or where to do next. “Uh, let’s go to my bedroom,” I whispered, because I had no idea where else we could go to talk without waking my parents.

My bedroom was at the beginning of the hallway, with a bathroom and a hall closet separating mine and my parents’ that was just at the end of the hallway. My room here was bare seeing as I’ve only stayed in it a handful of times. There was a queen size bed in the middle and a dresser. Aside from a few framed pictures the wall was bare.

We shuffled in, me closing the door quietly as Harry dropped his duffle by the wall, tossing the fedora down with hit before he ran a hand through his curls. In silence, we both migrated to my bed and sat on the edge. We sat in silence for a few minutes, both staring at our hands in our laps before either of us had the courage to speak up.

“I had this whole speech planned,” he said. His voice was low and thick, like it was hard for him to keep his voice to quiet. “The whole plane ride over, I was going over everything I wanted to say in my head but now that I’m here…” he shrugged, “I can’t remember a single thing I was going to say.”

I shrugged too, “Me either.”

He rubbed at his bottom lip nervously, “Can I ask you something?” I shrugged which he took as an okay. “Last night you said- you said you were confused about how you felt about me.” At his words my face was on fire with a blush. In my hysterical word vomit, I had said I was confused about my feelings for him. “I guess I just want to- I need to know how you’re feeling.”

What was I feeling? I knew how my heart raced when he looked at me, or when he walked into a room or when I thought about him or even saw I had a text from him. But I still wasn’t quite sure what the hell that meant, if I honest to god liked him, or loved him or just had a silly crush on him. It felt so new to me, yet at the same time not new at all.

“Please tell me I’m not alone in this,” he whispered his plea after a long silence between us as I tried to figure my thoughts out.

I was at a loss is what I was. I was so confused I couldn’t even figure my own thoughts and feelings out properly. It hurt to look at him so I turned my gaze to just over his shoulder. “How do you know you’re in love with me?” was my brilliant choice of words. “How are you in love with me?” because I was honestly still confused on that part.

“Does it matter?”

“Yes… no…” I sighed, “I don’t know. It just doesn’t make sense to me.” My eyes were stinging again and I really didn’t want to start crying again.

He sighed, looking defeated, “I don’t understand why you keep saying that. Why- how does it not make sense to you?”

“Because you’re always with these fabulous women. You’re always with beautiful models and actresses and musicians. For you to be in love with me…” I shook my head, “That doesn’t add up.”

“The only reason- they’d distractions Kenny. A way that I could distract myself from how I feel about you because I was sure you’d never feel the same. I messed up with you a long time ago, and then you were with Zayn and now Alfie, I… I was trying to find a way to get over you.”

My heart was beating so fast I thought I’d go into cardiac arrest. Because my mom had been right, he was doing the same thing I’d been doing since I realized I had some type of feelings for him- he was trying to get over me. All the realizations were hitting me all at once- the looks he’d give me sometimes, the cuddling, how he always managed to find himself at my flat at nights he felt lonely. How Grimmy and Louis always threw in subtle jabs and looks about us that I’d completely missed. How Zayn had almost let it slip when he first broke things off with me.

It had been right in front of my face the entire time, but I was so insecure about myself when it came to Harry that I never saw it.

A tear escaped down my cheek and before I could whip it away, Harry’s hand was on my cheek, his thumb gently rubbing under my eye. “Please don’t cry. It breaks my heart to see you cry.” The genialness in his voice only made me feel even sadder and more tears silently escape down my face.

“I’m sorry,” I said pathetically. “I never knew. I didn’t see- I couldn’t see it.”

He slowly rested his forehead against mine, “I don’t know how you didn’t see it.”

His eyes, so close to mine, looked so sad in that moment. His hands were cradling my face as he whipped away the tears as the fell. He was being so gentle and caring that I think my body took over before my brain could. As my lips barely brushed his, I realized what I was doing, but even then, I couldn’t bring myself to pull away and stop it.

Before I knew it, he had my bottom lip between his and one of his hands was at the back of my neck while the other had moved to my waist, pulling me closer.

We hadn’t kissed, really kissed (aside from that drunken stupor I was in a few weeks back) in almost two years. Not since we (well he) decided to be just friends. It was easy to get lost in his kisses- he’d gotten better, more skilled since the last time we really did this. Our lips meshed together, sponging open mouthed kisses against our lips before he tilted my head back and deepened the kiss.

When his tongue touched mine I thought I’d lose all my breath. There was something so different from this, his, kiss that made it stand out from Zayn and Alfie’s. It was like he had something to prove, like with this kiss, he had to prove how much he loved me, and honestly, it was working.

I could feel his kisses all the way down to my toes. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me onto his lap as our lips got more aggressive. I was lost in him- both of his arms were around my waist, and his hands squeezed my sides. My hands were in his hair, or around his shoulders holding him to me.

“Kenny,” he moaned against my lips. He trailed butterfly kisses down my jaw before he stopped at my neck. He pulled his head up to look me in the eyes. We were both panting, trying to catch our breaths. “You never answered my question.”

He stared up at me with so much wonder and hope that it was hard to concentrate on what I needed to say. I ran my thumb against his swollen bottom lip, where he bent to kiss the pad of it as I did so. My hand trailed down and I fiddled with the pendants around his neck. “I, I think-“ the breath was knocked out of me when I looked back up into his eyes. “I’m confused about how I feel about you.” His brows furrowed and he went to speak but I beat him to it. “My heart beats so hard when I see you or think about you that it hurts. I have trouble breathing around you and all I ever want to do is be near you.” His grip on my waist tightened a big at my words. “And I want to be with you. I really do, I think I’ve wanted that before I ever even realized it.”

He grimaced, “But?”

“But,” I sighed. “I don’t think I can be with you when i can't even understand how they feel about me."

He winced again, “So what at you saying then Kenny?”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly, “I’m saying I just can’t be with you right now. And I’m sorry for that, and I know that’s the last thing you want to hear. I just… I have to sort my shit out, you know? And I’m not asking you to wait for me or whatever. It’ll be hard to see you with someone else, but I understand if you want to move on.”

“I don’t want to move on. I want you, Kennedy.”

My heart soared at that, “I just… I need some time.”

“Away from me?” It was hard not to see the clear pain in his eyes when he asked that.

I shook my head, “No. Just time to learn how to not be insecure about myself with you. To not compare myself to the girls you’ve been with and to not think it’s so ludicrous that you… feel the way you do about me.”

“I love you,” he said softly. “You can say it.”

I smiled sadly, “I just need time to wrap my head around the fact that you love me.”

He leaned into me, his forehead resting at the crook of my neck as he sighed into my collarbone. “Okay. I can accept that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Please stop saying that. It’s completely reasonable.”

“Well it doesn’t feel like it. I feel like all I’m doing is hurting you.”

He sat up to look at me again, “It’s alright. I’ve waited this long for you, I can wait a little bit longer. Just,” he grimaced as he broke eye contact with me, “If you’re going to be with Alfie, can you not do it in front of me?”

“I’m not,” I found it hard to breathe again, but this time because my heart felt like it was being ripped to pieces as I saw the storm on his face. “Alfie and I are nothing. I was using him to try and get over you, okay?” I placed my hand on his cheek to urge him to look at me, “I’ve never wanted to hurt you. I never knew I could hurt you. I’m sorry for ever doing it, I really am. But you don’t have to worry about Alfie. There’s nothing there. I do want to be with you. You. I just have to figure out how to do it.”

He nodded slowly. “Alright. So…” he rubbed his hands on my thighs, and I realized that we were still in an intimate embrace. “We’re friends then. Still.”

I nodded as I got off his lap and sat back down on the bed next to him. “Yeah, I guess so.” I rested my head on his shoulder and he grabbed my hand, lacing our fingers together in his lap.

“Please don’t shut me out though. If you need time and don’t want to see me, fine. But please, no more radio silence. Text me or call me. I’m in love with you, but you’re still my best friend.”

I don’t know if you’re heart can feel broken and elated all at once, but in that moment, that’s how I felt. “Okay. And Harry? Like I said, if you want to see someone else that-”

“I don’t want to be with anyone else,” he cut me off. “Now that I know that you feel the same, or kind of the same, I’m not going to ruin that. You said you wanted to be with me, and I can wait.”

“Okay.” We sat there in silence, leaning against each other as he played absentmindedly with our fingers. “Harry?”

“Hmm?”

“I don’t want to send you mixed signals but…” I don’t know why I felt so nervous. “Do you think we can share this bed? The couch sucks and…” I bit my lip nervously.

Before I finished my thought he was already agreeing, “Okay.” He kicked off his shoes and crawled up to the head of the bed with me. We were both still in our clothes as we curled into each other; my head tucked under his chin as his arms wrapped around me, pulling me right up against him.

I wrapped my arm under his and hugged him to me as he wedged one of his legs between mine as we settled into comfort. “Good night Harry,” I whispered into his chest.

“Good night Kenny.”

I shut off my brain as best I could as Harry’s breath lulled me into unconsciousness. I didn’t know what this meant, and I didn’t know how either of us would feel when we woke up tomorrow, but for right now, being wrapped into him, I’ve never felt so right and so safe.

“Hey Ken?” his voice was thick with sleep as he was probably moments away from dreamland like I was.

“Yeah?”

“If your dad finds me in your bed in the morning, he’s gonna kill me right?”

I chuckled escaped my tired body, “Yeah, probably.”

He hummed, “Well then, in case I die before I can say it again, I love you Kennedy.”

My heart jack hammered into overdrive again and my breath came out shakily. I didn’t think I’d ever get used to hearing him say that. I also didn’t know what to say, or if I was supposed to reply to it. So all I did was turn my head up and leave a kiss on the underside of his jaw before we both fell asleep.