Fear of Flying

I’d been lying in bed for about an hour trying to sleep, but all I was doing was replaying the day’s events over in my head. After my mom got home, and we had detangled ourselves just in time before she caught us, Harry and I kept a good physical distance. At least we tried to, it was like there was some invisible pull between us and we couldn’t help but play footsies under the table.

I was kind of nervous all day wondering how my dad would react when he came home and found Harry here. I mean, having a lad come to a different country to see your daughter is like, every fathers nightmare right?

But turns out I had nothing to worry about. My dad greeted Harry like it was the most normal thing to come home too. My dad had met Harry once or twice, like my mom has and they’ve gotten along well, but I still thought that maybe, he could feel this new pull between Harry and I and instantly fall into that ‘protective dad’ role. But instead he greeted Harry with a hug and they started talking about life on tour and football and just seemed so at ease with each other. My body filled with warmth at the sight of them and I was plagued with the thoughts that maybe this wasn’t going to be a bad thing, getting closer with Harry I mean. Maybe I was just overacting for nothing, maybe I didn’t need time, we could just… be together now, right?

That thought still made me really anxious though and then the ‘why would he choose me’ thoughts came crashing around me. I needed time to figure things out. I still needed to be okay with the idea of him before jumped into something serious with Harry.

I had all of this running through my head as I lay in bed, trying to sleep. It was hard though when my brain was running a mile a minute with thoughts of Harry on the couch in the living room, how things would be when we went back to London, why I was so fucked up and couldn’t accept that he had feelings for me.

I sighed and rolled over and looked at the clock. It was almost 12:30 in the morning. Everyone had gone to bed at 11:30 but I was too keyed up to sleep. Now all I could think about was Harry in the other room. On the couch where we spent a better part of the afternoon on kissing. My lips were tingling at the thought.

Against my better judgment, I grabbed my phone off the bedside table and texted him.

Are you asleep?

Two minutes went by, but it felt like hours without a reply and I thought that he was asleep. But then I my phone beeped. I’m completely wide awake.

I smiled and jumped out of bed faster than I’d like to admit, making my way out to the living room quietly. Harry was just sitting up when I came in, the blanket falling down around his waist, showing his naked upper body.

I thought I was going to drool all over the place. “Hey,” he smiled at me. He pulled the blanket up next to him as an invitation to join him.

As I crawled onto the couch next to him, I tried not to notice that he was in nothing but his briefs while I was wearing nothing but shorts and a tanktop. “Hi,” I said quietly as I pulled the blanket around over my lap. “Can’t sleep?”

He shrugged, “Nope,” he smirked lightly. He reached up and pushed his hair out of his face before he rubbed at his eyes.

When he grabbed at his bottom lip, like he’s been known to do when he was nervous or lost in thought, I had to turn away. Just the sight of him touching his lips practically lit my skin on fire. My body was buzzing to have those hands touch my skin. Touch me everywhere. It was like a physical ache almost.

“What?” His voice snapped me out of my thoughts and I jumped a little.

“Huh?”

He chuckled at my reaction, “You kind of zoned out there. And you’re fisting the blanket there pretty tightly.” He gestured to my lap and I noticed I did have a pretty tight hold on the blanket.

I let go and hid my hands under the blanket, clearing my throat. “Um, do you want to go in the backyard?” I blurted out to change the subject. “We’ve got a nice hammock and we won’t have to worry about waking my parents.

He nodded, “Sure.” When we both stood from the couch, I tried not to stare as he pulled on his jeans from earlier, but I couldn’t look away. He was still shirtless when we walked outside, blanket in his hands as we walked across the yard to the gazebo where the big hammock was.

I didn’t think about it when I suggested it, but when we both settled into the hammock, our sides were pressed tightly together. “I uh, I spend a lot of time out here when I visit,” I stammered as I stared up through the sunroof to see the night sky.

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

I shrugged the best I could in our position, “It’s just relaxing.”

He just hummed in reply as he tried to resituate himself to get comfortable. Which ended up with his arm under me around my waist for I was laying into his side. Instead of fighting it, I rested my head on his shoulder and relaxed. “Can I ask you something,” he said after a while. “I mean, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want too, I’m just curious.”

Well that made me nervous. “Okay.”

He took a deep breath before he spoke, “When did you… When did you stop thinking about Zayn? I mean like, when did it change,” he sighed, frustrated. “I don’t know how to word this. Like, when did you stop wanting him and start thinking about me?”

It was cute how flustered he was, I have to admit. I shrugged, “I think it was when you took me to your cabin. At least that’s when I really noticed it, but it might have already been there. I was just so insistent with myself that I wanted Zayn because he was giving me attention, at least some, and you had decided long before that we were better off as friends.”

He huffed at my answer, “I was such an idiot.”

“We all are sometimes,” I stated. I reached my hand up and started tracing one of the sparrow tattoos on his collarbone. I couldn’t fight the smile I got when I saw goosebumps dance across his skin. “Can I ask you the same question?”

He was quiet for a long moment as I continued to trace the sparrow with my fingers over and over again as I waited. “I don’t think it was any specific moment really. You’re just… different. You don’t care that I’m Harry Styles from One Direction. You’re always so caring, even when I don’t deserve it,” he mumbled. “The more I got to know you, the more I wanted to talk to you, about everything. You just started being the one I wanted to be around all the time. I always want you near me and when you’re not, I want to call you, just to hear your voice. I love to see you smile, because I swear it lights up a whole room. You’re happiness means so much to me, so as much as it pained me to watch how you with Zayn, it was bearable because I knew he made you happy. I tried to do the same with you and Alfie but… I don’t know, I snapped or something. I never wanted to be the one to say something, but when I’m drunk, sometimes my emotions get the best of me.” He sighed and his hand at my waist squeezed my hip, “You’re my last thought to cross my mind before I fall asleep and you’re the first thought I have when I wake up.”

By the time he stopped my breathing was shallow and my heart was going bonkers. How was it so easy for him to say these things when it was so hard for me to even fathom half of that in my own head? I shifted on my side so I could look at him, “I don’t want to go back to London.”

His face dropped, “Oh?”

“No, not like,” I sighed. “I don’t want to go back to the complicated. Today, with you, it was…”

“Amazing?” he finished for me. “Relaxing, normal?”

I nodded, “Yeah. It’s just that… Things are different here, a bit anyway. Going back just feels like going 10 steps backwards. Back to Uni, back to work-”

“Back to our friends.”

“Yeah,” I sighed.

“What happens with you and Alfie when we go back?”

“What happens with you and Kendall?” I wanted to desperately to know the depths of their affair, but I knew it would hurt too much to know the details. If I didn’t ask, I could pretend they weren’t having sex. They weren’t having sex, they weren’t having sex. Though, I would bet my right arm that they were, I mean, I knew Harry pretty well.

He sighed, “I don’t know, nothing? It’s nothing more than casual-”

“Please!” I cut him off, “I don’t need the details.”

He shifted and turned so he was on his side as I was, and our faces were only a whisper apart, “Sorry. You’re right, I wasn’t thinking.”

Both of our hands were lying outside the blanket on our hips. I could tell his wanted to grab mine because his fingers were twitching and his hand kept moving forward before he’d move it back again. In all honestly, I wanted him to grab my hand so bad. It was like how it was back in the living room, I wanted his hands all over me.

“Hey,” his knee nudged mine to get my attention. “You’re spacing out again. Where’d you go?”

“Sorry. I’ve just- there’s a lot on my mind.”

He nodded, “I figured.” He tentatively reached up and brushed his finger across my temped to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. “You can talk to me, you know. About whatever’s on your mind.”

“You’re on my mind,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. I mean, well fuck it, we’ve been completely honest with each other since last night, why stop? “I want to touch you so bad,” I felt his breath falter at my words, but I pressed on. “I want to hold your hand I want to kiss you and I want to just throw all caution to the wind and just give in to what I want.”

“I wouldn’t stop you,” he repeated the same words from when we were on the dock.

I sighed, “Well you should. I can’t give you my all right now, and that’s not fair to you.” This whole situation had the potential to go down the same web I had been stuck in with Zayn. Except this time, the roles would be reversed.

“Why don’t you let me decide what’s fair for me or not?” He didn’t give me time to argue. His lips barely ghosted over mine before they were firmly pressed together.

This was probably a dangerous idea. That’s what I was thinking as his tongue swept across my lower lip. I was already addicted to kissing him, which was not good. But it felt good. So, so good. He was cradling my face and I was fisting his shirt at his hips trying to get him closer to me. We shifted slightly, and then I was completely under him.

He pulled his lips from mine slowly, so, so slowly, and then traced my lips with the tip of his tongue just as painfully slow. I thought I was going to burst! I felt so good in this hammock with him on top of me. The way his hips pressed into mine and the way his right hand trailed down my side and squeezed my hip where my shirt had ridden up when we switched positions moments ago.

He went back to kissing me, his tongue invading my mouth this time and he slowly caressed mine. It was a deep slow kiss that we’ve never shared before. I don’t think I’ve ever kissed someone like this before to be honest.

Harry’s lips on mine were making me feel invincible, like I could do anything. My body and mind weren’t working together; my mind was completely cloudy and my body was raging with hormones! When he moaned my name into my mouth I thought I was going to combust with need. I couldn’t control my actions anymore. I grasped his hand at my hip and slowly pushed it up my shirt, and he let me. He nibbled on my bottom lip just as I moved his hand up to cup my bare breast under my shirt, causing us both to moan in pleasure and excitement.

I let go of his hand as he took over. His thumb ran over my nipple, and it instantly became hard, sending chills all over my skin. I started kissing him rougher as he massaged my chest, turning his slow kisses into something more fierce. I was pushing up his shirt practically clawing at his skin, needing to feel his skin on mine.

His lips traveled away from mine again and I let out a whine of protest. I could feel his smile against my skin as he kissed down my jaw and neck until he was level with my chest. His thumb ran over my nipple again before he took it between his teeth through my shirt. I hissed in delight, wanting nothing more than to take my shirt off, but he seemed perfectly content to attack me through the material. I let him do it for a moment before I couldn’t take it anymore, it felt to good, so I pulled his face back up to mine.

I ran my hand into his curls as our tongue battled for dominance. I gave up to him eventually and tugged lightly on his curls which caused a groan in the back of his throat, that really turned me on. He kissed down my neck again before stopping at my pulse point and nibbling on it before swirling he tongue against the sting.

We were all grabby hands, tangled limbs, lip smacking and moans at this point and he still just wasn’t close enough. As he assaulted my neck in such a delicious way, I knew I would have a mark on me. I was starting to feel bold again. With his hand still massaging my breast, I figured I could take it up another notch. So I pulled my hand down his chest from under his shirt and palmed him through his jeans.

“Oh fuck,” he groaned out. It was more of a breathy one worded ohfuck, which I took as the okay to continue to massage him through his jeans.

But after a moment he dethatched himself from my neck and his hand left my chest and was grabbing my wrist. “Wait,” he panted. “We can’t do this.” He looked pained to say it, “Jesus do I want to, but we can’t. We’re outside in a hammock, and you’re still confused about what you want and just- we’re in a hammock!” He licked his lips and took a few deep breaths, “I’ve imagined having sex with you so many times, believe me, I want this, don’t think I don’t Kenny. But not like this.” He looked straight into my eyes, “You deserve more than a quick fuck in a backyard.”

I was rendered speechless by what he said. So all I could do was nod as I tried to catch my breath. He lowered his head to rest on my shoulder as he kept taking deep breaths. I could feel how tight his jeans were against my side, and I felt bad now. “I’m sorry,” I said softly.

He looked up at me confused, “For what?”

I glanced down between us briefly before looking back up, “You’re kind of at half mass, yeah?”

He chuckled as he ducked his head on my shoulder again, “S’alright. Blue balls never killed anyone. At least I don’t think so.” He started to shift us, carefully so we didn’t tip the hammock, back onto our sides. He winced as he pulled at the crotch of his jeans trying to relieve some tension as he settled back.

“Do you wanna go inside?” I asked timidly. “We should probably go to bed, and you can take care of, uh, that.” You could practically hear the blush in my voice.

He sighed, “That’s probably a good idea.”

So we got up, and fixed out clothes back into place. Harry ran his hand through his hair to try and tame it. It didn’t work. We made it inside, and I tossed the blanket back on the couch. “Well, uh, goodnight,” I smiled lightly and turned away but he caught my wrist.

“Wait,” he whispered. He pulled me back into him and gave me one more, slow, sweet kiss. He was smiling against my lips as he pulled away, “Okay. Now good night,” he said against my lips. He placed one more chased kiss on mine before he backed away from me.

I smiled at him, thankful that it was dark in the room so he couldn’t see my blush, before I retreated back to my room.

Once there, I turned the light on and went over to my mirror. My hair was tangled and my lips were plump and raw from our kisses. When I swept my hair away from my neck, I found it; the little lovebite right where my shoulder met my neck.

I ran my fingers over it softly, smiling at the tenderness of the skin under my touch. It was like a secret token of what happened here in Greece, and proof that this wasn’t a dream. Proof that he wanted me.

When I crawled into bed, I could still taste Harry on my lips and smell him on my skin.

He was like a drug and I was completely addicted.