Fear of Flying

It wasn’t that I hadn’t noticed this happening before now, it was just that… I was really starting to notice it. At first it was just a phone charger, but now it was other things.

There was Harry clothes all over my floor. While I was trying to find a pair of joggers to study in, I noticed I was chucking clothes that weren’t mine to different areas. All I could see on my floor was a sea of discarded flannels shirts and v-necks and jeans with too many holes in them (also those ridiculous scarves he insisted on wearing at headbands).

(…I actually liked those)

He has stuff in my bathroom too. Stuff. Like a razor, a toothbrush, his own hairbrush.
I didn’t mind, I really didn’t. It was just, I couldn’t understand why he wanted to spend all his free time in my tiny little flat when he had a perfectly good massive house. (Well I guess I knew why, I was still trying to wrap my head around that part)

Also, my bed smells like Harry now. It’s really comforting when I fall asleep without him and the pillow still smells like him. Like his cologne and his shampoo (or mine depending on the day).

It was only just barely reaching midnight and I was exhausted. I’d been glued to text books and notes and online reviews all day and it was taking its toll on me. My eyelids were heavy and my eyes themselves were stinging with the strain of reading and I was just so done. I had all of tomorrow to study too before my first exam on Monday. I only had 3 this semester, but that didn’t make it any less stressful for me. (I hadn’t had a panic attack though, so I was doing okay)
With one last paragraph read form my psych textbook, I decided to call it a night. I piled all my books and notebooks and dropped them in a somewhat neat pile on the floor by my bed and shut my laptop down before I got up to change into something to sleep in.

On the way to the bathroom I scooped up a dark blue flannel of Harry’s. Hey, if he was going to leave them lying around, they were fair game!

*****

I was jostled out of my slumber by Harry crawling into bed next to me. I rolled to face him, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and noticed he was still wearing his clothes; jeans and button up (he took his shoes off at least) and a headscarf. He was laying face fist into the pillow and his arm was thrown up over his head, like a barrier between us.

I glanced over my shoulder at the clock and saw that it was almost 3am. I scooted towards him and lifted his arm to cuddle into him. He dropped his arm around my shoulders as I did so and barely turned his face towards me, one eye peeking out at me. “Hi,” he said muffled into the pillow.

I smiled, “You smell like a pub.”

His eye crinkled in amusement, “I might be a little tipsy.” He moved his face out of the pillow finally so we were face to face. “Sorry for waking you.”

“It’s okay. Did you have fun?”

He hummed, “I can’t wait for you to be done with finals so you will come out with me.” He’s gone out the past few days. Always extending an invitation, but I’ve declined everyone to study. He was blinking a lot, like he was fighting sleep, “How are you doing? No attacks yet?”

I shook my head, “No. I’m hoping I can get through finals week without one.”

His arm moved from my shoulders to down against my hip, tugging me more into his side. It must have been an awkward position for him since he was still on his stomach, but he didn’t seem anything but content. “I’m here if you need me to help calm you.”

“Thank you,” I kissed his cheek before I started running my fingers through his hair. I pushed his scarf out of his curls, discarding it on the floor.

He instantly groaned in pleasure at the sensation. He sighed contently as he shut his eyes, “You’re wearing my shirt,” he mumbled. His eyes stayed shut.

“You just left it on the floor and it looked comfy,” I defended.

His breath was starting to slow and I knew he was getting close to passing out. “I like it” he sighed, “more than I should admit I think.” He rolled over onto his side then and pulled me flush against his chest. He tangled out legs together and tucked his chin against my head, cuddling to me like a life preserve. His skin smelled a bit like tequila and bar smoke, but he still smelled delicious to me.

We laid there in silence then, me racking my fingers through his hair as his breath got deeper and slower as the minutes passed. His grip on my waist loosening as he fell off into slumber, yet I was still awake, my mind running with happy content thoughts. I wasn’t worried about finals and studying- all I could think about was this boy who was clinging to me as he fell asleep.

“Harry?” I whispered. I waited in silence for a response, but all I got in return was his deep breathing. I pressed my face into the shirt and just felt his chest rise and fall with every intake. “Harry,” I whispered into his chest again. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

*****

“So I knew Harry was spending his nights here, but I didn’t realize he’d moved in!” Eleanor said as she toed one of his shirts that were still on the floor. She had come over to return my psych notebook, and like Harry, she didn’t even bother knocking. Just barged right in and found me in my room. She had stoped in the doorway and looked around my room in a bit of shock taking in all of Harry’s stuff that was mixed in on the floor with mine.

I stood up and grabbed my notebook from her, “He hasn’t moved in. And stop standing in the doorway like a freak.”

She walked right in and straight to the bathroom and threw the light on. “He’s so moved in Ken. He has things in the bathroom!”

“Eleanor,” I warned. “Drop it.”

“What?” she asked innocently with a smile. “I’m trying to get you to admit you’re in a relationship with Harry.”

“We aren’t though.”

“He has stuff here, you share a bed, you kiss. That’s a relationship.”

I scoffed, “We haven’t kissed since Greece.”

“Well maybe you should. You’re hopeless.” I ignored her. She shut the bathroom light back off and flopped herself on my bed. “Why aren’t you guys together yet? Like for real?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. I’m just…” I sighed, shrugging.

“Scared?”

“Yeah.”

She sighed and crawled up and leaned against my beds headboard and patted the spot next to her. “Come, come, we’re talking about this.”

I rolled my eyes, but sat on the bed next to her. “Fine.”

“So, why are you scared to be with Harry, but were more than fine with hooking up with Zayn?”

I shrugged, “It was just different with Zayn. No matter how much I wanted it to be different, I knew it would end.” She opened her mouth to say something but I continued on, “Yeah I was broken up over it when he did end it, but that was only because I was trying to hold on to it. I knew from the start he was keeping me at arm’s length. With Harry its… I don’t know how it’ll end.”

“You don’t know it’ll end, that’s the point.”

I shrugged, “With Harry its… There’s like more potential to get hurt.”

We were both silent for a moment. “Why’s that?” she asked softly.

I turned and looked her in the eye then because I knew she knew. With some friendships, you didn’t have to say it, they just knew. Eleanor and I had moments like that a lot, where we knew what the other was thinking or feeling. I knew how she felt about Louis before she told me, just like I knew she could tell what I was feeling now. But I said it out loud to her anyway, “Because I’m falling in love with him.”

She bit her lip to try and hide her smile, but it was a wasted effort because she was gleaming. “I fucking knew it! How long have you known?”

I shrugged, “I’m not sure. I think I kind of had a feeling when I was talking to Zayn the other night. I can feel it when Harry does or says certain things, or when he looks at me when he thinks I don’t notice. How had I never noticed how he looked at me?”

She shrugged, “You were wrapped up in Zayn. Plus Harry hid it well.”

I mulled over that for a moment. She was right, I was so painfully blinded by Zayn for the last year that I didn’t even notice other lads. Harry was always there though, making himself known. Showing up at my flat for movie nights or to just hang out. Dragging me out to clubs or dinner with him and his friends. Texting me random things and pictures while he was on the road. He made sure he was always in the back of my mind one way or the other.

Then there’s now. How 9 out of 10 times he ended his night in the bed next to me. Usually mine, but on occasion, his. How he held me close and kissed my forehead, temple, cheek. Never my lips though, he never pushed me because he knew I was still unsure about everything. And I was, at least a little bit but I think he could feel my shift recently too. But I craved his lips on mine whenever he was close. I craved his touch in general. The simples thing like his fingers lightly brushing my elbow as he walked around me or a protective hand on my hip when he guided me to the couch where we decided we’d watch Splash together grove me mental.

He did all these little, gentle things even though he knew I couldn’t give him all he wanted. He was in love with me, and I couldn’t fully love him back, yet he still slept right next to me (sometimes under me, sometimes on top of me, depending on the night). I felt a whole new surge of feelings for him just thinking about all this.

“Are you going to tell him how you feel?”

“I- yeah. Maybe, eventually.” I sighed, “I don’t know I mean, I will. I just don’t know when.”

“As much as I want you to call him up and do it right now, I know you can’t rush this.” She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and hugged me against her side. “I’m just so happy that you’re finally seeing the light,” she said arrogantly.

I smacked her thigh, “Thanks.”

“I see double dates in our future. Or triple, since you and Malik are apparently friends now.”

I chuckled at her rambling, “Don’t get to ahead of yourself okay?”

She hummed, “No promises.”

*****

I couldn’t sleep that night. My mind was running with the anxiety that I hadn’t studies enough. I had my psych exam at 8am the next morning but I couldn’t sleep! I needed to study.

So at 1:12 in the morning, I was carefully scooting out of Harry’s grasp and sneaking out into the living room so I could study some more.

I curled up on the couch with my laptop and my notes and textbooks and got to work. I needed to make sure I had this all drilled into my head before the test. I just had to pass three of them, then I had a whole summer to just forget about everything.

I could see my hands were shaky, which was a sign I was on my way to a panic attack, and I was ungodly tired but I couldn’t bring myself to slow down. If I could just get a few more hours of studying in I’d be good.

“Kennedy,” his raspy voice jerked me out of my concentration of the texts. He was standing in the entrance of the hallway rubbing sleep from his eyes. In nothing but joggers that were ridding incredibly low on his hips. It was an incredible distraction. “Babe, how long have you been out here?”

I glanced at the time in the corner of my laptop screen; 3:28. I hadn’t realized time had gone by that quickly. “A while.”

His whole body sighed as he walked over to me, “Take a break. You need to sleep. You’ll be no good for your exam tomorrow if you’re a zombie.”

“Harry I-”

“No,” he cut me off. “Your hands are shaking and you’re voice is at that level where I know you’re about to crack. You need to sleep, come on.” Reluctantly I let him shut my laptop and push my books form my lap. He grabbed my hands and pulled me up, shutting off lights as he guided us back to my room. “Come on,” he pushed me onto the bed, “Sleep.”

I sighed and laid back as he climbed in after me. I could feel how shaky I was, and it wasn’t just my hands, my whole body was buzzing with anxiety. The longer I laid in place, the more I couldn’t calm down. It was getting harder to breath as I kept thinking about the exam in only a few short hours. “Fuck. Harry I-” my voice broke off. My voice even sounded strange to my own ears. Too high a pitch and rushed. I sat up to try and breath, I was taking in deep breaths but it wasn’t working.

“Kenny,” Harry said as he sat up next to me. “Hey, Kenny, calm down. You’re fine. You’re gonna be fine.” He turned my face to his so he could look me in the eye. “You need to relax, this isn’t good for you.”

“I can’t help it!” I rushed out, I was getting lightheaded. He winced. I don’t know if it was at me, my tone or just the situation, but I could see him start to panic a little too because he didn’t know what to do. “I just,” I gulped, “I need to turn my brain off. You need to distract me or something.” My words were rushed, “Tell me a stupid joke, or I don’t know, something!”

I watched as his eyes scrambled across my face, then to my hands and then back up to my eyes again. I don’t know what he was looking for but I didn’t get a chance to question it because then he was kissing me.

His lips were slow but persistent and demanding. He kneaded my bottom lip between his as his hand reached down for mine and pulled them up behind his neck.

I’ll give it to him- this was a great distraction. All that was running through my head now was him. His lips, the way my fingers were still shaking against his neck, his hands at my hips pulling me into his lap.

I didn’t have to think about trying to breath anymore because I was too busy trying to kiss him back as fiercely as he was kissing me. There were tiny seconds where our mouths detached to take in a few small breaths of air before they collided again. “Is this your idea of distraction?” I asked when his lips were trailing to my neck.

“Is it working?” the vibration of his voice sent shivers down my spine.

“Yes.”

“Good,” he confirmed.

He brought me down against the pillows, his body hovering over mine. I didn’t realize how much I missed this until we were in this moment. I’d almost forgotten how much I enjoyed the weight of him on top of me.

His lips and tongue were back with mine as I felt his hand slowly push down the joggers a bit at my hip. “Harry,” I warned.

He pulled his lips from mine and looked me in the eyes, “Just tell me to stop.”

“I just-”

His lips ghosted over mine as he shook his head, “Don’t over think this. It’s a distraction. No words unless its stop Kenny.” The problem was I didn’t want him to stop. My body was buzzing but for a different reason now. My mind was torn between focusing on his lips or what his hands were doing so I just shut it off and decided to enjoy it.

As he sucked on my bottom lip, his hand dipped into my joggers and passed my knickers to my core. I was embarrassed at how wet I already knew I was. He didn’t comment though, he just deepened our kiss again as his fingers started to slowly swirl around my clit. Lightning bolts of pleasure shot through me and I moaned into his mouth. God it felt good- it felt really good.

He started alternating between slow and fast circles to rubbing it between his fingers. He abandoned my mouth and went back to nibbling on my neck causing a strangled moan to escape my lips. Then when his fingers traveled lower and slowly- agonizingly so- pushed into my entrance I was lightheaded again.

I bucked my hips against his arm as he started to pump into me as his thumb continued with the circles on my clit. I knew I wouldn’t last long, all that pent up sexual frustration was building fast. Especially when he curled his fingers up at the perfect angle and hit that bundle of nerves inside of me and tapped it lightly. “Harry,” I moaned out. I’d be embarrassed if I wasn’t so completely blessed out.

He kissed my lips slowly before a moment before he looked down at me fondly. “Just let go. Relax Kenny, and let go. I’ve got you,” he promised as his steady fingers continued to massage the spot inside of me.

My breathing became erratic again as I felt the buildup in my tummy. He kissed up and down my neck again, biting down on a sore spot where I knew I’d have a hickey. I was a moaning mess beneath him as my hips couldn’t help but rock against his hand.

Then his mouth was back on mine, kissing me slow and deep and that’s when I came undone. My orgasm ripped through me and I was clinching around his fingers. I let out a tangle of moans and sighs as my toes curled and I was gripped onto Harry’s arm tightly.

He swirled his fingers around and pumped a few more times as I came down from my high, kissing me a few more time. Then he pulled his hand out, fixing my joggers back into place before I watched him suck the taste of me off his fingers.

Holy shit.

He brought his lips to my ear after that, “Can you try and sleep now? Are you well distracted?” I was speechless as he smirked down at me. All I could do was nod dumbly. He was satisfied with that answer and pulled me into his chest and settled against the pillows. He pressed his lips into my hair, “G’night Kenny.”

I still wasn’t sure if I could trust my voice enough to speak. Instead of a verbal reply, I pressed a kiss into his chest before I settled into him knackered enough to sleep now while my head was still clouded in that post orgasm high.