Fear of Flying

I missed Harry. I missed him so fucking much. Which I guess isn’t anything new, since I’ve missed him since he walked out of my flat.

We hadn’t talked since that night I called him, and nothing was solved then either. It was mostly a lot of silence as we listened to each other breath. Just knowing he was there sitting on the phone was enough for me though. That he didn’t hate me as much as I assumed he did if he was willing to give up time to sit in silence on the phone with me. Plus, we agreed that when we both got back home, we’d figure everything out.

But that didn’t stop me from seeing pap pictures online. He looked so good walking around LA in his dark blue trench coat. I hadn’t realized his hair had gotten long enough to all fit in a bun. I used to hate the man bun, but now I think it’s really grown on me, no pun intended, because god did he look good in those pictures.

Coming back to London after the last few days in Greece was bitter sweet. I missed my city, but it was also rainy, and I knew Harry was still in LA. My flat still didn’t feel the same with all traces of Harry gone. Even before when we were just friends and I was with Zayn he still had things at my flat, but now, not even an old t-shirt. Nothing. Because of that, my flat didn’t feel like home anymore, and I spent as much time I could out of it in the next week while I tried to sort out how to fix things with Harry and waited for him to come back home.

I spent a lot of time with Alfie and the band, or at work even when I wasn’t scheduled. “Honey, you know I love you,” Liza said one afternoon when I turned up, “But you need to hang out somewhere other than this café.”

“But I love you guys,” I bragged dramatically.

She gave me a deadpanned look, “If you’re using my café as a way to avoid something, than no, get out.”

She didn’t end up kicking me out that afternoon and instead made me a peppermint hot chocolate and tried to get me to open up to her. Instead I deflected her questions and tried to talk her into adding some things to the menu.

But now I was basically banned from work unless I was scheduled, because Liza refused to let me avoid things even though she wasn’t sure what was going on. So I was forced to face my flat head on, and cleaning was the only thing I could think to do.

So I vacuumed, rearranged the furniture in the living room, and started washing all my clothes from Greece. I was almost finished cleaning my kitchen when Zayn. “Hey Malik,” I answered. “What’s up?”

“Hey babe, you home?”

“Yep,” I sighed as I threw some silverware in the dishwasher.

“Well,” he dragged out, “I’m coming over.”

I chuckled, “Okay? Why?”

“Um, because? Do I need a better reason?”

I shrugged to myself, “Guess not.”

“That’s what I thought. I should be there in a bit.”

*****

When Zayn walked through my door, he paused and looked at my living room. “Every time I come over I feel like you’ve moved everything on me.”

I shrugged, “I get bored, so I have to change things up.”

“You’re such a weirdo,” he laughed. He took his leather jacket off and fell onto my couch.

He flipped his hair out of his eyes and smiled at me, “Is this a new thing with One Direction? You’re all growing your hair out?

He laughed and ran his fingers through his fringe, “Nah, I don’t know. I’m just liking the length lately.”

“You look like Aladdin!”

“That’s what Perrie said.” He shook his hair wildly before settling back in his seat. “So how’ve you been? How was Greece?”

“It was good. Saw a lot of my parents, and the beach. It was good to just hang out with El before Niall and Louis crashed.”

“Oh yeah,” he smirked. “They were stoked when they planned to go.”

I rolled my eyes fondly, “They’re a handful, but it was fun.” He nodded, but he was looking at me with a furrowed brow and biting his lip, which was his telltale that he had something to say. I sighed, “What?”

He raked his teeth over his bottom lip before he spoke, “I talked to Harry.”

“Oh,” my heart dropped.

“I could feel like there might have been some animosity between us, so last night I took him for a pint to talk it out and-”

“Wait. You- What do you mean you took him for a pint? Isn’t he still in LA?”

Zayn arched a confused eyebrow, “No. He’s been back for a few days now. We’ve all been in the studio. You didn’t know?”

It felt like my heart was in my throat, “No, I didn’t know.”

“Oh,” he said awkwardly. “I’m sorry, I thought-”

“It’s fine. I just- never mind.”

He sighed, “Kennedy-”

“It’s fine,” I cut him off. “You were saying?”

He stared at me with worried eyes for a long moment before he spoke. “Well, I just felt like there was some weird vibes between us which was weird. He’s one of my best mates, and I’ve never felt like there was this big wall between us.” He shrugged, “So I don’t know, I felt like maybe I should fix it before it got worse.”

I was hit with a wall of guilt. “This is my fault,” I sighed. “If I hadn’t started hooking up with you than-”

“No Ken, stop. This isn’t your fault, it’s on me. I was the one who knew he was in love with you, but I was too selfish to care about anyone but myself.”

“Zayn-”

“No, stop trying to take the blame. This really is all my fault. If I would have just handled it all better or differently, well then maybe you and Harry wouldn’t be in this weird limbo.” He sucked on his bottom lip for a moment before continuing, “But I told him he had absolutely nothing to worry about. That I wasn’t a threat to whatever’s going on with you two, that I was simply just your friend. I even told him I’d stay away from you if that’s what he wanted.”

“Excuse me?”

“He told me that wasn’t necessary,” he rushed out. “I was only trying to do the right thing by you two, but he said that that wouldn’t be fair to you and he’s right, but I thought I’d throw it out there.”

I sighed, “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but I think at this point it’s bigger than that.” I shrugged, “All we do is hurt each other.”

“Then stop hurting each other.”

I gave him a deadpanned look, “You make it sound so simple.”

“Because it is. Just stop doing things that you know will hurt the other, and bam- live happily ever after.”

“Zayn,” I said sternly.

He gave me a hard look back, “Kennedy.”

“I don’t know what I’m meant to do.”

“Talk to him! Make him forgive you and just start over.”

I sighed, “He didn’t even tell me he was back in the city, doesn’t that tell you anything?”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “That he’s a suborn little twat that has too much pride. But that’s nothing we all didn’t know already.” I had nothing to say to that, and he scooted closer to me and grabbed my hand. “I just want you to be happy Kennedy. I want you to find that person that makes getting up in the morning worth it, and I think that’s Harry for you. I don’t know why you keep denying yourself that happiness. I know being friends with us is hard because people are constantly watching you because of it, but you have to know that Harry would burn down cities just to see you smile.”

The thing was, I would burn down the world to see Harry smile too. Lately it seemed like all I’ve done was make him frown and I wanted to change that. I didn’t know how, but I knew I wanted to figure it out. I wanted to make things right, I wanted to love him properly. I just wasn’t sure if I was too late or not, but I was hoping that the fact that he had answered the phone was proof that there was still some hope to that. “Okay,” I said out loud. “I’m gonna fix this.”

A slow smile pulled on Zayn’s lips, “I’m glad you said that. Because he’s at the studio right now with Liam…”

*****

When I pulled into the back parking lot of the recording studio, I still wasn’t sure what I was even going to say or how Harry was going to react to me even being here. I thought about texting him and letting him know I was on my way, but I didn’t want to hear an excuse or have him ask how I knew he was back in the city.

Basically I was obviously a sucker for punishment, and would rather face rejection head on.
Zayn gave me the security code to get in the building, as well as left my name with the security guards so I had no problem walking into the studio.

Well, I had no trouble until I got to room 3B, where I knew Liam and Harry were with a producer. But the holdup was all me. I got to the door and all my nerves that I had tried my best to ignore hit me all at once. Like, what the hell was I doing here, and what the hell was I going to even say? It was easy telling everyone that I was going to fix this, but a whole other when I was really standing outside the door ready to do it.

With the last bit of courage I had, I pushed the door open. I walked into a dimly lit room, that had a couch against one wall, where Liam was sitting. He gave me a surprised look but smiled and waved none the less. In front of him was a soundboard with a 20-something year old guy in an office chair tweaking with knobs and buttons as Harry, who was behind a window in the recording booth, looking down at what I guessed was a lyric sheet. He was halfway through some verse when I walked in and I stood there against the wall as he sang it.

“Yeah I’ve let you use me from the day that we first met, but I’m not done yet, falling for your fool’s gold.”

Well, ouch. Okay then. Whoever wrote these lyrics…

“And I knew that you turn it on for everyone you meet, but I’m not done yet, falling for your fool’s gold.”

The producer hit a button and spoke into a mike, “Can you do that one more time Harry, I think we almost got it.” Harry nodded, not bothering to look up from the music sheets in front of him. He looked tore up and it gutted me.

I slowly moved and sat on the couch near Liam, “Who wrote this?” I whispered.

“We all kind of did,” he shrugged. “But Harry came up with the concept. He gave me a soft knowing look when he said it. Awesome, so the whole band knew I was a piece of shit.

When Harry finished singing and the producer told him he did great and that he could come out. I knew this was the moment of truth. He’d see me and either he’d be fine with me being here or he’d lose it. He was already talking when he opened the door, “James do you think- Kennedy!” he said surprised.

My back straightened when he saw me, “Hi.”

“What are you doing here?”

Liam cleared his throat and stood up, “James, lets go hit up the vending machines, yeah?” They booth stood up and headed out of the room as quick as possible. Harry watched them leave, sending a glare to Liam, who just shrugged as he shut the door.

Once the door was closed his attention was on me again, “What are you doing here Kennedy?”

I stood up, “I wanted to see you. To talk.”

“Now’s not really a good time,” he sighed. He pulled his hair out of the bun it was in and shook it out. My senses were hit with the scent of his shampoo and cologne and a wave of longing hit me hard.
“I know but you didn’t tell me you were back and-”

“Didn’t you think that maybe I did that for a reason? I’m really busy right now, I’m working.”

“I know,” I rushed out. “And I’m sorry I just showed up like this, but if we don’t do this now, we never will and then it will be too late!” I word vomited that so fast I wasn’t sure he even understood half of it.

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, “Kennedy, I just- not here okay?”

“Then when?”

He turned his face to try and hide his eye roll but it was ineffective. “I’ll come over tonight. I’ve just got a lot of things to do here now, and I don’t have time to fight with you here.”

“I don’t want to fight, I just-”

“Kennedy,” he silenced me. “I will come over tonight.”

I guess it was settled right there then, because he didn’t give me a chance to say anything back. He just turned and walked out of the door leaving me in the room alone.

I didn’t waste much time standing there alone. I spent the walk back to my car and most of the drive home trying not to cry.