Fear of Flying

“That’s the hundredth time you’ve glanced at your phone,” Eleanor pointed out as I dropped my phone back on the beach chair next to my thigh. “We’re on a beach, in Greece, there’s a view full of fit Greek lads and you’re too busy to notice because you’re checking your phone!”

I arched an eyebrow over my sunglasses, “Are you enjoying the view?”

She scoffed, “Of course I am! Just because I’m in a relationship doesn’t mean I’m blind!” She sighed, “This holiday was your idea, and the whole time we’ve been here you’ve been kind of sulky!”

“That’s such a lie!”

“Is not,” she argued. “Unless we’re out dancing or drinking, you’re moping around checking your phone hoping Harry will call or text!”

My hart dropped when she said his name. “I can’t help it. It’s been 2 weeks and I haven’t heard from him.” I thought about calling or texting him a lot, but 2 days after I ended things he flew off to LA and hadn’t been back since. That was 2 weeks ago, and a week ago Eleanor and I came to Greece to relax. It should have been easy; with the change of scenery and the amazing room on this resort in Athens my dad’s friend hooked us up with for cheap. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Harry.

“You’re the one that said you two needed space.”

“I know, I just…”

“Didn’t think he’d take it so literal?”

I tried not to frown, “Yeah, I guess.”

She looked out towards the ocean then. I could tell she was trying to hold back whatever she really wanted to say. I’ve known her long enough to know when Eleanor wanted to give you her two cents. “What are you afraid of?” She asked before she brought her attention back to me. “Is it really that you don’t want to ruin the friendship, or the media, or the insecurities you have about everything? What’s really holding you back Ken? Because no matter what, this isn’t easy. Being with someone, really being with someone, famous or not, isn’t easy! I had no fucking idea what I was doing when I got into all this with Louis, but I threw all caution to the wind because he made me feel things I’ve never felt before.” She paused to take a breath, “But it’s hard. Every single day it feels like there’s a new threat against my relationship but I keep pushing through it because I love him, because he loves me. I’m insecure about what people say, and I hate that everyone thinks they have some input on our life, but I put up with it because it’s worth it. Louis and everything that comes with being with him is worth it because he makes me feel like- he makes me feel amazing.”

I felt like I’d been giving this speech before, because I had, and I couldn’t decide how pathetic that made me seem. I went to speak but she cut me off, “I know you love Harry, and everyone can see that he loves you. I’ve told you this before. It’s so frustrating to sit back and watch you ruin this because you’re scared, but babe, I’ve got news for you, love is terrifying. Giving your all to someone like that is the scariest shit you’ll ever encounter, but it’s worth it in the end. I promise it is, but you’ll never know unless you stop making excuses for everything and let it happen.

She’s said all this to me before, but never so blunt. “That’s terrifying though.”

“It is, but like I said, it’s so worth it.”

Thinking about that, and thinking about how I just walked out on Harry, and how he said I was ripping his heart out made me feel sick. “I think it’s too late for anything. We’ll be lucky to just be friends.”

She groaned, “News flash Kennedy! Even if you can be friends after all this, it’ll never be the same! Not only had you told each other you loved each other, but his penis has been inside of you. You can’t just bounce back to normal after you’ve watched someone cum.”

“Eleanor!” I shrieked. “Keep your voice down!”

She smiled politely as a group of guys walked by eyeing us- they clearly heard what she said. “I’m just being honest,” she said once they were out of earshot. “You love him Kennedy. Stop making excuses and be with him. The fans and the media suck sometimes, but that boy will love you so much it won’t even matter.” She sighed as me for like the hundredth time, “If you let this go, you’ll regret it.”

I lay back in my chair, almost giving up. “I don’t know how to fix this. Again, fix it again. There shouldn’t be an ‘again.’”

“No, but shit happens. People fuck up. He loves you, he’ll forgive you. Just make an effort. Be the first one to make contact.”

“I don’t know how to do that El.”

“Stop over thinking it. Let things happen.”

I huffed, “Easier said than done.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she waved me off. “Now lets get back to the tanning and watching the fit lads. We’ve got 2 hours before we need to be back at the hotel.”

“For what?”

She smirked at me, “I got us a surprise.”

****

Before we walked into our suite, El stopped me at the door. “Promise you won’t get mad.”

“Mad? What kind of ‘surprise’ would make me mad?”

She shrugged, “Well it’s not a normal surprise… but you will be surprised…” she said skeptically.

“I already don’t like the sound of this Eleanor.”

“Just go with it, alright?” she begged as she put her keycard in the slot in the door.

I was about to roll my eyes, but stopped in my tracks when she pushed the door open. The tellie was blaring a footie match and there were two messy boys on the white leather couch, including a demolished room service cart.

There, amongst dirty plates, and rubbish across the coffee table and the couch, was Louis and Niall. “You invited One Direction to our Girls Holiday?” I shrieked, causing the two lads to turn in our direction.

I followed behind Eleanor as she walked in and dropped her beach stuff on the unoccupied loveseat. “Actually I only invited Louis. I don’t know what Niall is doing here.”

“Oi, don’t pretend that you aren’t glad to see me!” The Irish bellowed around a mouthful of chips. “Nialler brings fun to every holiday. And Birds Holiday sounds like just the thing I want to always crash,” he smirked.

“I figured the invite was open ended,” Louis shrugged as he stood up to embrace his girlfriend.

I rolled my eyes, “I can’t believe you invited your boyfriend.”

“I missed him,” she cooed as she snuggled into his chest. Ew.

“Come on,” Louis beamed at me. “With us here, the fun is just about to begin!”

“Yeah! I want you to show us around Greece!” Niall cheered as he attempted to clean up the mess they’d made. I appreciated the effort there at least.

I scoffed at his words though, “We wouldn’t make it one block without being stampeded by teenage girls trying to get a chance to touch you.”

“Nah,” Louis argued. “Nialler and I are really good about keeping under the raidar, trust me. Plus the fans are more tame with us compared to when Harry is out and about.” The casual way he mentioned Harry made me believe he had no idea what was going on between us. “Maybe we even split up, to draw less attention…” The way he was eyeing Eleanor lead me to believe Louis had no intention of even leaving the room.

“Gag!” Niall declared as he stood up. “You two can stay here and shag, and Kennedy and I will go out and live the Greek life, yeah?”

The way he looked at me so exited and expectant was hard not to smile at him. Niall was so endearing like that. “Alight, just let me go change first.”

He pouted, “But you look so good in that bikini!” he smirked.

I rolled my eyes as I turned to head to my room, but didn’t miss Louis comment about not letting Harry hear him talk about me like that.

*****

Niall (with a beanie over his head and big aviators to hide the fact that he was Niall Horan of One Direction) and I headed off to the New Acropolis Museum. I’d only ever been here once, and Niall and I figured it’d be cool to walk through, and not a whole lot of potential fans finding us. Plus, there were 5 floors, there’s a lot to see.

“The Greek artists were totally horny,” he snickered. “All the sculptures and paintings are of naked people.”

I laughed, “I think that was more like, how the art style was back then.”

“Sure,” he snorted. “Or they were just horny. I mean, think about their main god Zeus, he was a total slut wasn’t he? Slept with everyone, he did. Big legend!”

“You are ridiculous,” I commented around a massive smile.

We walked through the whole first floor and much of the second, just giggling at the nakedness of everything and laughing at each other’s side comments before Niall decided to turn the tables.

“So what’s up with you and Harry?”

“What do you mean?”

He side eyed me, “I mean, why did he jet off to LA so suddenly two weeks ago?”

I shrugged to play dumb, “You know Harry, he loves LA.”

He pondered that a moment, “That’s true. And I’d believe that as the answer if I hadn’t talked to him.
My heart rate accelerated, “You talked to Harry?”

He shrugged as he gazed at a display of ancient Greek military weapons. “I called and asked if he wanted to crash your girls’ holiday with us. He made some vague excuse about how he had ‘business’ to attend to,” he used air quotes and all. He sucked on his teeth before he gave me a quizzical look, “But I like to think I know Styles well enough to know when he’s avoiding something, and the only logical thing to be avoiding here is you. So what happened?”

I sighed in defeat, “Me. I happened. I just can’t seem to let my guard down and be with him.” I sounded like such a broken record at this point, even I was annoyed with me.

He hummed in thought as he made out way to the third floor. “Why do you think that is? I mean, you love him right?”

“Yes,” that much I was sure of. I shrugged, “But it’s not that simple. Loving him comes with so much more.”

“So… what are you saying exactly?”

I shrugged again, “I don’t know. Eleanor and I have tried to analyze it a hundred times. She seems to think that I’m scared to let him in and I’m terrified of the public attention being with him brings.”

“Well, are you?”

“I don’t know. I guess? Kind of?”

He nodded thoughtfully, “Aren’t you used to it by now though? I mean, you’ve been in our circle for a while now, and everyone’s already assumed you were with Harry or Zayn anyways, so I guess I’m just not understanding that excuse.”

I sighed, “I just hate people being in my business mostly, but yeah, it’s not just that.”

“So what else is it then?”

“I just don’t know how to let him in. Like, I’m just scared that it won’t work out and I’ll lose my best friend because of this.”

He nodded, “I can understand that. But what if it does work out? I mean, I’ve never been in your situation, so I don’t really know what it’s like to be in love with your best friend, but isn’t the chance to be with the one you’re in love with worth the consequences?”

I was at a loss to that really. “I don’t know. I’ve never felt like this before, not even with Zayn, I don’t know how this works.”

“Well, not that you asked for my opinion, but I think you should just go for it. Say ‘fuck it,’ and be selfish and just go for what you want. Say fuck all to the media and some of our, not as polite fans, and just let Harry love you.”

“You’re about as blunt as Eleanor.”

“Well, we smart people are blunt.”

I snorted a laugh, “Okay then.”

“I’m serious though. What I’ve learned from being in the public and media eye, is that you just have to not let it get to you. Someone’s always gonna have an opinion or negative shit to say, but you just gotta let it go. Don’t read it or just get a laugh out of it. Basically just fuck everyone and do what makes you happy.” We were silent for a moment as he let me absorb what he said. “Plus, it’s a little late to try and save your friendship anyway, Harry’s too far gone for you,” he smirked.

“Oh, that’s encouraging,” I rolled my eyes.

He nodded, “Yeah, so there’s no reason to hold back. Just fuckin’ go for it babe.”

I nudged my shoulder against his, “Are you done with the serious talk? We’re supposed to be learning about ancient Greece.”

He threw his arm around my shoulders and pulled me tight against his side, “Alright, alright. Let’s enjoy the rest of the old porn.”

*****

“We’re going out to a club!”

Louis declared after we cleaned up our room service dinner. “Why?” I asked. I knew going to a club with them were garner attention and that’s the last thing I want.

He scoffed in my direction, “Because we need to go out and have some fun! Plus I wanna take over a DJ booth.”

“Oi! I’m so down for that!” Niall bellowed.

Eleanor smiled at me expectantly, “Could be fun! I have a cute dress in my bag I haven’t worn yet.”

I sighed, “But people will find us.”

“Fuck the people Kennedy!” Niall shouted as he threw up a power fist and ran into my room that he declared we were sharing for the rest of our time here. Little did he know he’d be shacking up on the floor. He poked his upper body our around the door frame to smile at me, “That’s our new motto remember.”

I declared defeat and Eleanor and I went into her room to change, since Niall took over mine.

While she chose a little black dress and black bootie heels, I chose to go more casual. Black leggings, black and white converse and baggy white shirt dress with a black cross on it. I wasn’t in the mood to go to a club, but since I was being dragged to one, I wanted to be comfortable.

In true One Direction fashion, we were able to find our way into a popular club, the line around the corner to get in, with no problem. The club was two stories, with a bar lining the side walls almost all the way around, and the DJ booth was on the second floor on a balcony overlooking the first floor. “I’m going up there!” Louis declared. He grabbed Eleanor’s hand and dragged her over to the bar.

Niall turned and smiled at me, “Looks like it’s just us again!” I nodded vaguely as I looked out at the crowd around us. There were a good amount of people on the dance floor, but almost all the tall tables and booths were full too. “Come on, let’s get a pint!” he said into my ear over the music.

We travelled to the bar where Niall wasted no time flagging down one of the bartenders and ordering us pints of ‘the best ya got on tap mate,’ without even asking what I wanted.

I wasn’t particularly close to Niall, but we were mates. I knew that wherever he went, he made friends and that was no exception tonight. We were only at the bar for about 15 minutes before there was a small group of people around us all chatting with him, and his infectious laugh rang out over the music. I mostly stayed back, laughing along here and there, but mostly keeping to myself.

Then the music lowered a decimal and over the sound system Louis shouts out “DJ TOMO IN THE HOOOOOOUSE!” The entire building erupts into cheers as if they had any idea what was going on before Sex on Fire by Kings on Leon starts playing over a techno beat.

“Ken! Kenny!” Niall shouts over at me with a massive smile on his face. “DJ Tomo!” He cheers and pulls me into a sloppy hug that only an excited Niall could give. “This is mental! We need to get out there!” he laughs as he points to the dance floor that had filled up a bit more since we walked in.

While I was only about halfway through my pint, Niall, like a true Irish, threw back the last few dregs of his before he slammed the glass down on the bar, “Come on babe, we gotta get out there and cheer on Louis!”

I gestured to the pint in my hands, “But-”

“No buts!” he declared before grabbing my glass and chugging the rest of my drink himself, the crown around us cheering him on. “Come on!” he grabbed my hand, not even giving me a chance to protest, and pulled me out into the crowd.

It was hard not to have a good time when Niall was being his energetic bubbly self. He pulled me deep into the crowd with me as he started jumping and bobbing to the beat Louis was playing for everyone. “Niall, calm down,” I laughed.

“Come one babe,” he beamed. “Feel the music, let loose!”

The more he dance and enjoyed himself, the more attention he brought to us, and the more I started noticing a few people with phones pointed at our directions. “Niall, people are starting to notice.”

He stopped jumping and took a step closer to me. He dropped his hands on my shoulders and lowered his gaze to mine. “Fuck ‘em Kennedy. Let them stare. Let them talk shit on the internet later. Who cares.” He squeezed my shoulders to keep my attention. “This is your life babe. Don’t let them tell you how to live it, yeah?” Leave it to Niall to give me a cold dose of reality in the middle of a crowded club. “Hang out with who you want, be with who you want. Love who you want Ken, and don’t give two fucks what anyone else thinks! Now let it all go and dance with me!”

*****

Louis had to basically carry Niall out of the taxi and up to the room, he was so drunk. But at least he was a happy drunk. “Seriously Lou, you’re a fantastic DJ!”

“Thanks mate,” Louis laughed as he walked Niall to one of the sofas and dropped him so he fell face first into the cushion.

“Someone had a little too much fun,” El laughed.

“No such thing,” Niall declared. “Hey Kenny, babe, bring me a blanket would’ya?”

“You sleeping on the couch than?”

He hummed happily, “It’s too comfortable to move.”

“Well at least take your shoes off you nutter!” Eleanor said as she started untying his shoes and pulling them off for him.

“Ah, you know it’s been a good night when everyone starts babying Nialler.”

“The fuckin’ best!” Niall slurred. I chuckled as I went in and pulled off the top blankets off my bed to bring to Niall. I brought it out and covered him up. “Thanks babe. And you two,” he said pointing in the direction of Eleanor and Louis who were making their way to her room, “If I hear any shagging coming from that room I’m gonna barge in and ruin the fucking mood! Keep it down!”

Louis flipped him off, “Sleep it off mate. We’ll see you in the morning. Good night Ken,” he smiled.

“Night guys.” I turned to Niall, “Sleep on your side in case you throw up.”

He scoffed, “I’m offended you think I can’t handle my alcohol! I’m Irish dammit!”

“Okay Niall,” I smacked his cheek playfully as I passed the couch. “Goodnight."

“Night!”

When I shut the door behind me I was hit with the longing again. This is how it always happened. Sure, I could forget for a bit and have a good time, but as soon as I was alone in my room the ache for Harry returned and I started to hate myself again.

I really, really wanted to listen to my friends and just fuck it all and do what made me happy. But they’ve been telling me this stuff for months and I couldn’t figure out how to do it. I mean, how many times could I yo-yo with Harry before I fucked it up completely? I didn’t know if risking it was worth it, but the nagging in the back of my head, in my heart told me it was.

I pulled off my shoes, leggings and bra, and fell into the bed in my shirt, not bothering to even take my makeup off. I pulled my phone out, like I did every night and brought up Harry’s name, trying my hardest to get up the courage to actually call him.

‘Love who you want Ken, and don’t give two fucks what anyone else thinks!’ Niall’s words kept echoing through my mind to the point where I didn’t even think, I just pressed on Harry’s name and put the phone to my ear.

It rang 4 times before I heard it click over. There was a long pause before he said anything, “Kennedy?”

I let out a breath I’d been holding, “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” he sounded so understanding and I hated it. I hated that he was always so forgiving.

“I’m always sorry,” I bit my lip to keep my voice from shaking.

“I know you are.”

“This just terrifies me.”

“Me too.”

I sniffed, “But I promise, I don’t have feelings for Zayn. I don’t know how to convince you, but I swear, it’s just you.”

“I know babe. I’m sorry I even accused you of that, it’s just. My brain is a dick and won’t stop those thought.”

“Don’t be sorry. I did this.”

“Not like I helped.”

We were silent for a moment, and I listened to him breathing on the other end of the world. “I don’t know how to fix this.”

He let out a long sigh, “Me either.”