Regrets

Alana walked down the aisle next to Logan, while Mika walked with Josh. ‘Sophie really thought about everything’ Alana said to herself. Liam was waiting anxiously for Sophie to show up. As the bridesmaid expected, he was blown away by how gorgeous she was. Her hair was half up with loose braids has headbands. The rest of her hair was slightly curled into beautiful brown and purple waves.
The bride was fighting the urge to cry in happiness while she reached for her future husband.

The ceremony was everything Sophie wished for. It was beautiful, simple and romantic. Alana even cried as soon as they were pronounced husband and wife, while her sister Ellie was cheering louder than ever.

After being trapped with the photographer for more than an hour, the best men and the bridesmaids were free to go to the venue. They got in but Alana decided to stay by the car for a minute. She reassured Mika that everything was fine, that she’ll meet them up in a few. She watched them meet up with all the guests. She leaned on the car’s door and sighed. She couldn’t shake the memories from her mind. She had spent the whole ceremony looking at Josh, at how handsome he looked, at how he smiled, at how he looked at her. She kept thinking that she still wanted to be more than friends. It broke her heart to know that there was no way they could be back together. At this very moment, she was regretting to have crushed her last cigarette. She needed it now. She crossed her arms on her chest and tried to focus on the happy couple instead of all the memories of this past relationship.

She heard a cough at her left and slowly turned her face to see who was disturbing her. Scott was looking at her, hands in his pocket. She immediately gave him a smile but looked down right after it. He reached her and leaned next to her.

“You’re kind of cute in a dress you know,” he said, pushing her arm with his elbow. “Yeah, like you can find any girl cute,” she responded trying not to laugh.

“Because I’m gay, it doesn’t mean I can find a girl cute.” Scott added. “You should play dress up a little more Aly, it suits you.” She turned her face only to pull her tongue out at him like a two years old.

“What’s wrong beauty?” Scott asked. She knew she couldn’t hide anything from him. They knew each other from kindergarten; they grew up with each other and knew almost everything from each other. Right now, she only wished he would let go.

“Nothing,” she said, knowing he saw that she lied. He passed his arm around her shoulder and kissed her temple. “I know you’re lying because you suck at it. Stop overthinking things Alana. Just live, okay?” She fought a sob and nodded before turning to hug him as hard as she could. She wished she could see him more. He was always there to calm her down and to give her good advice. But he lived across the country with his boyfriend. She knew he was happy, but the selfish part of her wanted him close to her.

“I miss you so bad Scott,” she cried on his shoulder. “I missed you too beauty. But you know I’ll always be there for you, right?” She nodded and took a step back. She dried her tears with the back of her hand, happy that she was wearing waterproof make-up.

“We should go. Sophie and Liam should be here any minute,” she said before smiling at him. He took her hand in his and they walked together to the tent. They were welcomed by Ellie who was already jumping up and down.

“Have you seen the cake? It is huge!” Ellie was like a 5 years old in the body of a 23 years old. She loved cartoons and unicorns. Alana always said that her sister had lived in a magical world and all the fairies kicked her out because she was over the top. The fact was that Sophie wanted a simple wedding but the biggest cake ever. It was a 5 stories high white cake with a cascade of sapphire colored flowers. It was covered with sugar pearls. It was both beautiful and appetizing.

“What’s next? Do you remember?” Mika asked as she joined them. Alana frowned; it wasn’t the first time that Mika counted on her to remember everything they had to do for the wedding. But Alana at least expected that she knew how the reception was supposed to go.

“Logan and Josh are supposed to wait for them in the parking lot. When they get here, one of them is supposed to warn the DJ so he could announce their arrival. Then, it’s hand shaking time and after we eat. I’ll give you the rest of the schedule while we eat.” Mika smiled and left, glad she did not have anything to do until after the dinner.

Alana turned to Scott, irritated. “These two are like the complete opposite!” Alana said thinking about how Sophie likes things organised and memorized and Mika prefers to go with the flow.

“Have you looked at you and Ellie lately?” Scott asked, raising an eyebrow. They were almost as different as Mika and Sophie. But Ellie and Alana were together most of the time, which made Alana do silly things with her sister. “We are not that opposite.” Scott laughed and led her to her table.

She was placed between Ellie and Mika at the table. Problem was Josh was sitting right across the table. She barely hate, even if the food was delicious. She heard her friends talking about things she didn’t care. But all she was seeing was Josh having fun talking with Jess, one of Sophie’s cousins. She was cute with her light brown hair and deep brown eyes. They were laughing at each other jokes and it pissed Alana off. She apologized to everyone and left the table. She walked out the tent to go to the bathrooms but ran into Sophie, all smiling and happy.

“Aly! Thanks for everything!” she said hugging her.

“You’re welcome Sophie.” She tried to leave her friend but Sophie grabbed her arm and looked at her with concern.

“What’s wrong? You seem about to cry Alana.” Sophie said, her voice filled with worries. And for all answers, Alana started sobbing. Not knowing what was going on, Sophie pushed her into the restrooms and locked the door behind her. “Tell me.”

Alana told her everything since she couldn’t find a way to avoid the topic. She cried her heart out and Sophie listened to her until the very end.

“You still love him Aly, that’s all,” she said trying to sound reassuring. “I know you are scared because you did break up with him last time…” Alana did not let her finished “I broke his heart Sophie! Do you know how bad it all seemed when you or Ellie were telling me how he was after I broke up with him? Everything you told me made me feel like the worst person on Earth. How could I even picture myself going back with him after what I did?”

“You don’t know until you give it a try,” Sophie said “You may be surprised.”

Sophie unlocked the door and left Alana on her own. She didn’t want to try; she cared too much about him to risk to hurt him again. After long minutes of waiting for a solution, Alana decided to get back to the tent and at least enjoy a little the party. The DJ called the happy couple for their first dance. Alana stood there, watching two of her closest friends looking as happy as they could be. Their love for each other could be seen as they danced without looking away from each other.

The DJ then asked their parents to join them, and a while later, he asked every couples to join. She saw Logan bend down in front of Ellie like she was a queen to ask her to dance. She looked at Scott and his boyfriend dancing together and even if people where staring, they did not care. Just like that, she realized that she did not care either about what people were thinking.

She walked to her table where Josh and Jess were still talking while looking at the dance floor. She gently touched his shoulder, making him face her.

“Want to dance? I hate seeing people having more fun than me.” He looked at Jess for a second, like he needed her approval.

“Let’s have some fun then.” He said as he got up. He took her hand and guided her to the dancing area. He pulled her slowly towards him as she crossed her arms at the nape of his neck. She felt his hands sliding to her lower back and she shivered. They danced in silence for a few seconds. Alana could feel the weirdness of the act but it didn’t seem to bother Josh.

“I’m sorry Josh,” she whispered, raising her head to look into his eyes. “It seemed to be the best thing to do back then. I…” She was trying to find the words to apologize properly but she couldn’t.
Josh grew a little smile on his face. “It’s fine Aly. Don’t worry,” he said “The past is done, so don’t think about it anymore, okay?”

But she couldn’t stop thinking about the past. It was all that she could do. For the last year, she was being eaten by regrets. She looked over his shoulder, only to see Ellie looking at her with a huge smile. She saw her lips move in silence to form an optimistic ‘Let’s go’. Logan then turned to face her and raised a thumb up for her.

“You seem to have a lot of fun with Jess.” It was the first thing that popped in her head. He looked down at her, surprised by the affirmation.

“I’ve known her most of my life, but she moved a while back. We were catching up. She’s a nice girl.” He said.

“Nice and beautiful. She’s such a package deal.” Alana said sarcastically.

“Are you jealous?” Josh smirked. Alana noticed the little spark in his eyes, indicating that he was having fun with this conversation. She shook her head.

“You’re a grown up, you do what you want.”

“But you don’t like it.” He whispered it in her ear. She froze for a second as she realized he was so close to her. Her mind was running fast, bringing flashes of him kissing her neck and caressing her back. The music stopped and she was relieved to take a few steps back. She smiled at him but then returned to her table.

Scott and his boyfriend were already there. Scott pushed a glass of red wine in front of her and she drank the whole glass one shot. She then grabbed Scott’s and swallowed it content it a second. She knew it was a bad idea since she did not respond really well to red wine. But she needed alcohol more than anything right now.

“I’ll get myself a beer at the bar. Want anything?” she asked them. They both shook their head and she walked straight to the bar. She ordered her beer but when the barman brought it to her, someone behind her spoke up.

“It’s on me,” she turned her head to see Josh coming next to her “I’ll have one too please.” He added as he turned to face her and smiled.

“I can pay for my drinks you know.”

“I’m being nice here, so take it and shut up Aly.”

The headache grew stronger in a second. She was getting angry at him for no reason. She grabbed her beer and walked out of the room. She went outside and sat on the steps of the stairs. She took a sip of her drink but hated the taste of it. She pushed it aside and sighed. Right now, she really wanted to get drunk and forget everything. Deep inside, she wanted to tell him that she missed him, that she missed them. She was sick of watching him meeting new people, new girls. She wanted him all for herself again and forever. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Why do I feel like you are running away from me tonight?” she heard Josh asked as he sat next to her.

“You are giving yourself way too much importance.” She sarcastically responded.

“Come on Alana. I know you well enough. Don’t lie to me please.”

Even if she hated the taste, she swallowed more than half of her bottle all at once. The bitterness of the liquid flooded her taste buds but she refrained herself from frowning. She was debating with herself if she should tell him what she was thinking about or if she should lie to him. It was at that precise moment when she had decided to lie to him that the red wine kicked in her system.

“I hate you Josh. I really, really, really hate you.” She said looking straight into his eyes. Josh laughed in silence and waited for her to explained, which didn’t take long.

“We avoided each other for months, we tried so hard to stay friends and it somehow worked because I kept telling myself that I made the right choice. But today, damn you look so beautiful, you seem so nice and perfect, I hate that! Plus, you keep talking with Jess, who by the way is so much prettier than I am, and I wish I can break her neck so you’ll stop talking with her.” she almost yelled without even looking at him.

“So I was right, you are jealous.”

“Shut up Josh!” she screamed before leaning forward to kiss him with passion, just like she used to do when they first started dating. She kissed him like it was the last time she’ll ever do it. He broke the kiss seconds later. He stared at her a little but she kept looking at him. Alcohol had given her way too much confidence.

“You are drunk Alana, we shouldn’t…” he began but she shut him up by kissing him again, partly because she wanted him to shut up but mostly because she wanted to prove him that she still cared too much. He pushed her away delicately.

“Stop that.”

“Why would I? That’s all I wanted to do all day long.”

“I should go inside… ” he said before standing up and leaving her alone. She started to cry in silence.

She made it back to the reception but avoided Josh. She still had a blast, but she felt like she was about to burst into tears in any minute. She left the venue earlier than she had planned but she was already drunker than she never been. She called a cab and got to her hotel room. She took 3 Tylenol, a big glass of water and got into the bathroom to take the longest shower ever. She was ashamed that Josh turned her down this way. In her mind, he was going to fall for her all over again and they would live happily ever after. She let the hot water turned her skin red before getting out of the shower. She wrapped herself in a towel and decided to text her sister to warn her and Logan to be quiet when they get in the room they were all sharing. She watched TV a little before putting on her pajama and going to sleep.

She was awoken by the click of the door but did not open her eyes, trying to go back to sleep. She was surprised at how silent they were; she almost did not hear them walking into the room. After a moment, the mattress sank at her side. She sighed, certain that it was only Logan confusing her with Ellie. How could he know in the dark which bed was his? Add to that the fact that he must be drunk; it must be harder than usual. She expected her sister to tell him that they had the other bed but she did not hear anything.

“Ellie?” she whispered to reassure herself. She heard someone clearing his throat as the weight on the mattress shifted.

“It only me.” she heard him saying. She stopped breathing as she recognized Josh’s voice. She got up on her elbows as he found the bedside lamp and turned it on. A shallow light filled up the room. Josh was serious. He did not seem to have drunk a lot. She was surprised that he had the card to get into the room.

“I asked Logan to give me the key,” he said, answering her silent question, before adding “I think we need to talk.”

“Josh, it’s late, I’m still tipsy. Can we do this tomorrow or like never?” she said letting her fall on the mattress and putting the blanket on her head. Josh pulled the blanket and threw it at the end of the bed.

“It’s now or never Alana.”

“Why is that? You did not want to talk about it earlier but now it’s the most important thing in the world? I was sleeping and I want to get back to it.” she said as she turned her back to him. But for Josh, it was not over yet.

“You still love me and we need to talk about it,” he said, as he walked to the other side of the bed.

“Forget I said anything.”

“I won’t forget. It’s said so let’s talk about it.” She sat on the bed and crossed her arms on her chest, waiting for him to start.

“Why now? Why a year after you ripped my heart out and smashed it into pieces?” It seemed like he was about to cry and Alana felt bad for him. He was showing her how bad he had felt when she ended their story. Even if she heard Ellie and Sophie talking about his heartbreak, it was the first time she ever witnessed his pain.

“I…” she tried, not even knowing what to say.

“I told you a hundred times how much I loved you, that I was ready to wait for you to be ready to move in with me. I tried everything to keep you. Everything. But you still left. And now you want me back? What does it even mean?” His voice broke on the last sentence, just like Alana’s heart was doing. She wondered if she had been such a bitch to him or if he was making things up. But deep down, she knew he was right.

“I have no excuse Josh, and I know it. I was not ready to be with you.”

“Not ready? Come on.”

“I loved you to death Josh,” Alana said touching his knee “But you know I suck when it comes to love. I freaked out. I was happy to be free at first. I did not have to worry about anyone else beside me. But time past and I began to miss you. Really bad. I dreamed about you numerous times. Every time we were together as friend, I wanted to scream that I still loved you. But I knew I broke your heart. I didn’t want to risk doing it again.”

The tears rolled down her face but she let them go. Josh was looking at her trying to make sense out of everything she said.

“I care about you Josh. More than I should. That’s why I didn’t tell you I still love you until now.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard,” Josh said before brushing her tears away with his thumb, “If you cared as much as you say you do, you would have told me as soon as possible so I didn’t have to wait that long for you to come back.”

Josh closed the distance between them and kissed her softly. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment. When he broke the kiss, Josh rested her forehead on hers, with a smile on his face

“I told you I suck at love.” She simply said before kissing him back