Lightning in a Bottle

Today I was having a girls day with Kota and Eleanor. Perrie was out of town being a popstar with Little Mix, Blue was working and the lads were with Louis at footie practice.

“So what happened with Niall when you came home?” Eleanor asked. We were sitting around her kitchen table with a big chocolate cake in the middle that we were all pigging out on. But we also had tea, so it wasn’t like we were being completely unhealthy… syke.

I sighed, “He banged his knee while out with the lad’s or something,” I shrugged. It’s been almost a week since I had to take Niall to get his knee looked at. It was doing better, but he was still in pain and uncomfortable. “It’s doing better now, but he gets so unbearable when he’s in pain.”

“So does Louis, he’s such a child sometimes.”

“I think they’ve all just spent too much time together you know?” Kota said, “They all act the same sometimes, it’s mental.”

“I have noticed that,” I nodded.

Eleanor licked some frosting off her fingers (we’re ladies!), “So how is that going to play in with your wedding? When are you even having a wedding?”

“Honestly, I have no idea. I’m no closer to figuring anything out then I was when he actually proposed.”

“What do you thinks holding you back?” Dakota asked.

“A lot of different things I think.” I shrugged, “There’s so much we haven’t talked about, like how big of a wedding we want. Like, I don’t want a massive wedding, that’s not me,” I listed off, “We haven’t discussed our futures really, like how long are we going to focus on our careers? And kids? I can’t even think about kids right now.”

“Perrie was telling me about that,” Kota said. No secrets within this family, I swear, but I didn’t really mind. “You don’t know if you want kids?”

I shook my head, “No… I don’t. I don’t know when I decided this, but it just… happened.”

El looked at me awkwardly, “Niall wants kids though.”

“I know he does. I just… I don’t know.”

“You need to talk to him,” Dakota stated, “You need to stop putting all these big life conversations off for another day and do it now before it’s too late.”

“Especially the having kids conversation,” El said. “The longer you put it off the more of a chance Niall will get pissed off when you do discuss it with him.”

“You think he’s gonna be angry?” I panicked.

“El!” Kota shot before turning to me, “We’re not saying he’ll be angry, just… it’s something he’s passionate about, being a father one day. So it’s really important to have this conversation.”

“Yeah, I know,” I agreed. “And we will, I just haven’t found the right time to bring it up.”

“This is how you bring it up, are you ready? Take notes,” Kota instructed and turned to Eleanor, “Niall,” she said doing a terrible job at imitating my voice, “We need to talk about the wedding and our future. PS, don’t really think kids are for me. BOOM done!”

I rolled my eyes but laughed nonetheless, “Okay, I get it. I’ll talk to him soon. I think that’s why I’m so hung up on the wedding. Like I feel guilty about not really wanting kids, so I feel obligated to have a massive wedding for him.”

Eleanor scoffed, “Niall would marry you anyway he can. He’s wanted to marry you since before you even started dating I think. Why else would he go to your bakery every chance ho got for two years before he finally grew a pair.”

“It’s true,” Kota agreed. “I’m sure if you wanted he’d be down to go down to a courthouse and just sign the papers.”

“Okay! You’ve made your point.” I picked at my cake, “But you know what we should be talking about?” I turned all my attention to Eleanor, “I may not want my own kids, but I’m so ready for more little nieces and nephews. Are you pregnant yet?”

She turned the brightest red I think I’ve ever seen her turn, “Oh, um, no. Not yet. I just stopped my birth control about a week ago.”

“You should be doing at it at all times,” Dakota said before take a massive bite of cake.

I nodded, “Yeah, and it help that Louis is this walking sex bot. Why is he at practice? He can get all his workouts from you upstairs.”

“That is so inappropriate!” she shrieked. “Don’t be crude!”

I scoffed, “Like we don’t talk about this stuff all the time. In fact, I remember one time we discussed Louis in detail.”

“That’s different! Now we’re talking about making my future child! We need to be classy about this!”

“Like the kid can hear us!” Kota laughed.

“The seed’s probably already planted. Louis swimmers probably waste no time.”

“Ayden!” El laughed, “You both are terrible! I hate you!”

*****

“Babe?” I heard Niall call out when he got home.

“Out back!”

I heard him shuffle out before he felt him right next to me. “What are you doing out here, love?” he asked when I looked up at him.

I smiled up at him and shrugged, “Just enjoying the view.” Our house was at the top of a hill, so our backyard had a view of everyone else’s houses down the hill. It was pretty during the sunset, but I always felt like some kind of creep when I could see people in their backyards. Though it was easier than driving to my old lookout spot.

I sat up and Niall slid in behind me, his bad knee handing off the side. I leaned back into his chest as his arms wrapped around me. My favorite spot; in his arms. “How are Eleanor and Dakota?” he asked as he placed a kiss on the top of my head.

“They’re good. I think Eleanor’s trying to get ready to become a mom. She had way too many baked goods in the house. She’s getting good at it though. Her cake was almost as good as one of my cupcakes,” I joked.

He laughed with me, “That’s a joke, no one can touch your cupcakes.”

“Aw,” I cooed. “Thanks babe,” I reached up and patted his cheek mockingly.

He grabbed my hand and laced awkwardly with his, “I can’t believe they’re gonna have a baby. It still feels like we’re still those kids from X Factor.”

“It’s because you all are the kids from X Factor still,” I smirked.

“Yeah, I guess we are,” he agreed. “But it’s still like, we’re all getting married and getting ready to have kids now. I don’t remember growing up,” I could hear the smile in his voice.

“Yeah, it’s like we woke up one day and we were 23.”

“Speak for yourself, I’m 22.”

I elbowed his gut lightly, “Shut up.” I sighed as the conversation the girls and I had floated through my mind, “I need to talk to you about something.” I sat up and turned so I could see him. I didn’t know how to go about this and I was already getting nervous and scared, I just didn’t want this to ruin what we have.

“Ayden what’s wrong?” he sat up a bit and grabbed my hand again, “You’re shaking.”

I took a deep breath, “Okay so, I don’t know when I started feeling like this, but…” I bit my lip. I didn’t know how to tell him this. How do you tell someone you love you don’t want to have their children.

“Ayd, babe, you’re really freaking me out here.” I looked up at him and his facial expression was tense and worried, “Are you leaving me?”

“No!” I shrieked. “God no, that’s the last thing I want! Swear!”

He let out a breath, his shoulders relaxing a bit, “Fuck me, you freaked me out.” He kissed the back of my hand, “What’s going on?”

I looked down at our hands and played with his fingers, “I just… I don’t think I…” I sighed, “I don’t think I want to have kids.” There was a long pause and when he didn’t say and this I looked back up at him, “I’m sorry.”

He ran his bottom lip through his teeth, “Like ever or just not right now?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. Just… the idea of having a kid ever gives me so much anxiety.”

“But… you’re so good with Finn and Theo and even Lux.”

“I know,” I nodded, “But when I’m with them, there’s always an end. I know I’ll be giving them back at the end of the day or weekend and I’ll have my life back. Having a kid just feels like… the end of my life.”

“You might change your mind though. You’re only 23, it’s not surprising you don’t like the idea of kids right now.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever want kids though,” I said softly.

He was quiet for a long pause again, “But… I want kids Ayd.” He sounded so sad, but he was trying to hide it, “I want a little girl that looks like you. That has long wavy hair and your laugh. That you dress in little band shirts and combat boots. Or a little boy that has your eyes but the Horan smile. He would have your sass and I imagine he’d have my appetite, yeah? I want to fight over baby names with you. I want to have debates about why an Irish name is better than an Italian name.” I smiled at the picture he was painting, but still couldn’t really wrap my head around having a kid. “Ayden, I… I’m not saying we have to have a kid anytime soon, I’m not ready for that. But, it’s not like we’ll be doing it alone, our life wouldn’t end just because we have a kid. We’ve got dozens of built in babysitters within our family and friends alone.”

“Niall-”

He held his hand up, “I’m not saying I’m forcing you to change your mind. I’m just saying that I love you enough to be willing to forget about having kids just to be with you. But I also want to you just keep the idea open. We’re still years away from kids. I mean, didn’t Halle Berry have a kid not too long ago? Isn’t she almost 50? We can be old parents!”

Looking at him, seeing the hope in his face made all my thoughts jumbled. Like, he made really good points, our family would be there for us just like I was there for Aunt Jenny and would be for Eleanor. But… just, being in charge of another life was completely overwhelming. But he was right, we still had plenty of time to figure it out. “Okay,” I said softly, “But I can’t promise you I’ll ever want to have kids.”

He reached up and ticked a piece of hair behind my ear, “Relax babe. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I’m willing to change my dreams for you, but you have to be willing to consider it for me too. That’s how relationships work yeah?”

I leaned my forehead against his, “I thought you were going to be angry or hate me for this.”

“I could never hate you.”

“You’re too good for me,” I mumbled.

He pulled me onto his lap, making sure his knee was out of the way, “After all this time, you still think that?” I shrugged. “You’re one mental bird. We’re perfect for each other. End of story, just accept it.”

I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his neck, “I love you,” I said as I inhaled his sent. “And I promise I’ll try and warm up to the idea of kids.”

He rubbed my back, “I love you too. No pressure. I think we have a lot of time before we are even remotely ready for that.”

I smiled against his shoulder, “And for the record, Italian names are better than Irish names.”

“Just for that, I’m going to start taking my debate speech so I’m prepared for that fight when it happens.”

*****

One of the best things about having sex with Niall was when he mumbled things into my mouth. I know it sounds weird, but I don’t think you can get any closer to someone then you do when they breathe into your mouth. Or laughed, that might be my favorite really, when we always found something to laugh about between sighs and moans.

“God I love when you’re on top,” he grunted as I swirled my hips a certain way, “But I miss the variety of positions.”

I bit down of his neck causing him to hiss, “Well stop banging your knee into shit and it’ll heal faster.”

He grabbed at my hips helping me grind into him, “I’ll add this to the top of the list of reasons not bang up my knee thanks,” he smirked before biting his lip. God did that do things to me.

His thumb ran across the tattoo on my lower hip causing me to shiver. It was his favorite of my tattoos, which wasn’t surprising since he was the one that put it on me. I’d gotten a little tipsy while at Dakota and Harry’s one night and Harry convinced me to let Niall tattoo me. It sounds like a dumb idea, and it was, but I didn’t regret the tattoo, especially since the only one who ever saw it was Niall because it was so low on my hip. It was a little crooked Irish flag that had Niall’s signature across it. It was dumb and looked terrible and you should never get a boyfriend’s name tattooed on you, but alas, there it was to stay. I loved it without a doubt too, my little dodgy Irish flag to match my dodgy Irish lad.

“Niall, I’m close,” I sighed.

He nodded as he moved his hips up into mine, “Me too babe.”

Once we both finished I rolled off him, still in his arms. We were both sweaty and panting but he still pulled me close and kissed me. The thing about Niall, is he always kissed me like it was the first time and the last time all at once. He never half assed it, he never half assed anything, really, when it came to our relationship, and I did everything I could to do the same.

He nibbled on my bottom lip briefly before he rested his head on the pillow. He pushed my hair behind me and caressed my neck, “I think I gave you a hickey earlier. I’m sorry,” his thumb ran over a raw spot at the base of my neck.

I rolled my eyes but smiled, “It’s okay, I think I’ve mastered the art of covering them up by now. You’ve never fallowed my rule on that.”

He laughed, “Because I always enjoyed seeing my handy work.”

“You’re such a twat!” I said pushing at his chest. He grabbed my hands and kissed the tips of all my fingers.

“You totally bit me neck not too long ago, you think that’s not going to leave a mark?”

I smirked, “I couldn’t help myself.”

“How is that an acceptable excuse for you but not me?”

I shrugged, “Because I said so.”

“You’re such a nut.”

“Because you’ve turned me into one.”

He scoffed, “No. When I met you all you talked about were bands and cupcakes.”

“I think that’s still all I talk about.”

“My point exactly.” He sighed contently, “What are you doing tomorrow?”

I shrugged, “No idea.”

“Let’s just stay in bed all day,” his hand wondered to my bum and squeezed it teasingly. “We haven’t done that in far too long.”

“On one condition,” I said as I pecked his lips.

“What’s that?”

I smirked, “We trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge.”

He let out a hearty laugh, “Deal. I’ve never been so on board with an idea in me life!”