My Understandings

I walked to the park next to my house. It was Fall so it was getting pretty cold right about now. I always went to the park when my mom and I had an argument. She hated my lifestyle and I hated hers. She acted like a housewife and I acted like I had no sense. But that was my decision, not hers. I hated it when she told me I partied too much or that I needed to change. I always tried to tell myself that I didn’t care and that she was wrong but when I came to this park, I felt like I could just be myself. Deep down I knew that she was right and I wanted to change but I was scared. I’d had so much change in my life and nothing good came of it. When mom and dad got a divorce I didn’t have a father anymore. When we moved here my grades dropped along with my life. I didn’t have any friends and when I got some I definitely got in with the wrong crowd. I started smoking and cussing, yelling at my mom telling her she didn’t own me and I didn’t need her. The truth was I said all this because I was scared she was going to make us move again or she was going to get another husband for me to get attached to and then divorce him like she did my own dad. I started running away for days at a time and started doing horrible things. Drugs, drinking, smoking. You name it I’ve done it. Most of it was to get friends in this town being that I liked to dress different and looked different and listened to different music. I’d learned already that here in this world it was a crime to be different. You had people you looked up to and you had the people that were cast away. In my old town I was a normal person I guess but here I was cast away so I did everything I possibly could to get friends. All the stunts I was doing were working pretty well but nothing else was in my favor. That’s why I liked to come to this park. I could cry and scream and since it was in the woods no one would know that I was here. No one would take the time to come help me or ask me what was wrong or if I was okay. I didn’t mind though because I didn’t want other people around. I wanted it to just be me. I pushed a branch out of my face and walked over to the swings. There was always something eerie about the park though. The-always-empty swings and money bars. It was like a ghost town but instead a ghost park. I sat on the swing and sighed. My feet hurt and I wanted to cry so that’s what I decided to do. I sobbed into my hands and screamed on occasion. I just wanted to curl up somewhere and die. Maybe starve or in this weather maybe I’d freeze to death if I stripped down. I knew I was gonna be here for a long time so I took off my high heeled boots and set them on the ground next to my swing. I kept crying and swinging occasionally. I screamed but quickly shut my mouth when I heard footsteps coming quickly through the clearing. I thought for a minute. What if it was some kidnapper come to take me away? I just stared but I didn’t move. I saw a tall dark haired figure break through the clearing. They were running and I saw as they got closer it was a man. He was kind of tan and had on a top with a wolf, black skinnies, and black Vans. It looked like…no way! Austin Carlile! I didn’t want him to see me like this! But I couldn’t stop crying. “Hey!” He called. I tried wiping at my eyes but it didn’t help much. “Are you okay?” He asked slowing to a jog. He got next to me and sat down in the swing.
“Austin Carlile…” I whispered. I was in disbelief. This may have been the best moment in my life.
“Oh, yeah! You must listen to my band.” He said.
“Yeah, I do.” I said.
“So um, any reason you’re here screaming in the woods? And crying? Are you okay?” He asked.
“Oh, um, I’m fine.” I said.
“Huh…you sounded unsure when you said that. I’m all ears if you wanna talk about it.” He said. I waved off his offer.
“No thanks.” I said. “But what is the Austin Carlile doing here in this crappy old town?” I asked.
“Actually some of the biggest and non-crappiest shows we play are a few minutes away from here.” He said. Wow. Well, learning something about this place for once. I looked at the ground. It was all sorts of oranges, yellows, and browns. It was pretty. All the dead leaves took away from the beauty a little but not too much.
“So what’s your name since you know mine?” Austin asked.
“Oh sorry, I’m Callista.” I told him.
“Wow, pretty name.” He said and smiled. I smiled back.
“Thanks. Austin’s a pretty cool name too.” I said. He laughed.
“Well, thanks but it’s probably time for me to be getting back to the bus.” He said. “Want anything signed?” He asked raising an eyebrow. Uh, duh.
“Yeah my hand is good.” I said. He took out a pen from his pants pocket and wrote something on my hand. While he was writing he said, “You don’t really look like the type to listen to this kind of music.” He said.
“Yeah, I get that a lot.” I said. He laughed and stood up. I looked at the signature. There was a phone number and the words ‘Text me whenever you want to talk.’ and a winky face. I looked up at him and he smiled. “Whenever you want.” He said and walked away. No way. Austin Carlile had just given me his phone number.

When I got home it was late. I had walked in the dark and when I got in the house I saw my mom in the corner of the kitchen drinking. Her face was rosy and she reeked of alcohol. Drunk already. I tried to walk past her but she grabbed my arm. “Where were you?” She slurred.
“I told you I was going to the park when I left. Now let me go.” I said and pulled my arm away from her. I immediately felt a searing pain on my cheek when my face snapped to the side. She smacked me. The side of my face was burning and pulsing.
“I do everything I can for you. You do nothing all day. Nothing but sit up in that room and smoke and sleep and eat!” She screamed at me. “And I’m sick of it.” She said. “You’re gonna start following my rules!” She was screaming at me. “And if you have something to say about it I’m gonna do worse than smack you next time.” She said. I felt the tears welling in my eyes. I put my head down and ran upstairs. On the way up I heard her yell, “No wait Calli! I didn’t mean it! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you! Please!”. I just kept running up the stairs and when I got to my room I slammed the door shut and locked it. I heard my mom pounding on the door shouting she didn’t mean what she said and that she was sorry. I was never going to forgive her. I pressed my back to the door and slid down. I put my knees up to my chest. “Callista! Please come out! I’m sorry!” She yelled from outside my door.
“I hate you!” I screeched. I got up and ran to my bed. I took a cigarette from my back pocket and took the lighter on my nightstand and lit the cigarette. I turned Pandora on my phone and Lana Del Rey’s Summertime Sadness started playing. I puffed out a breath of smoke and sat on my bed. Mom was still beating on the door. I picked up the lamp sitting on my nightstand and threw it. It shattered against the door and the pounding on the door stopped. I didn’t care. That wasn’t enough for me. I took the hand mirror from my dresser and threw it. The glass inside shattered and I immediately thought of myself when I saw the spider web cracks in it. I picked up my glass cup and threw it against the opposite wall. I pushed all the things off of my dresser and nightstand. “Calli! Stop! I’m sorry so please stop!” Mom shouted.
“No! You stop! Stop ruining my life!” I screamed. I stood there breathing heavily. My hand was bleeding pretty badly. My cheek still hurt and I needed someone to talk to. I looked at the back of my hand. I picked up my phone and typed in Austin’s number.
Me:
Hey Austin, it’s me. Callista.
He texted back fairly quickly.
Austin:
Hey what’s up? You okay now?
Me:
Nothing and no I’m not okay. My mom just slapped me because I pulled my arm away from her. My hand is bleeding because I just broke everything in my room. I just need someone to talk to.
Austin:
Oh my god! Do you want me to come and get you?!
Me:
No. I’ll be fine but…I don’t know. I just need to talk.
Austin:
Okay…where do you live?
I told him my address.
Austin:
Okay, I’ll be there in a few minutes. We have the show in an hour so I’ll be there really soon. Be outside and have some clothes packed.
Me:
What? Austin you don’t have to let me on the bus!
Austin:
Please just for a little bit. It seems like you need to get away from your mom. How bout this: I insist.
Me:
Really Austin you don’t have to.
Austin:
I’m so not gonna argue with you! Hurry up and get your clothes before I just bust up in your room!
Me:
Fine!
I grabbed a small suitcase from my closet and stuffed some clothes inside. If I was going to the concert I needed to change. I grabbed some clothes from my drawer (http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=93886464) and put them on. I walked out of my room and down the stairs. Mom was in the living room. “Where are you going?” She asked.
“I’m leaving.” I said.