Same Mistakes

Liam’s outburst the other night at the club was all anyone was talking about. It was on the tellie, magazines, internet. Everywhere. Everyone seemed to have an opinion on what happened and all I wanted to do was pretend it never happened. For my sake and Liam’s.

He’s already apologized countless times over twitter and I didn’t want him to feel bad about it anymore. It wasn’t fair. Most people when they fucked up, they moved on and got over it, but with Liam, no one would let it go. I felt like I had to protect him somehow. We spent all our free time together- when I wasn’t working and he wasn’t in meetings or interviews or recording. When we were together and something came on the tellie, I’d switch the station, if there was a tabloid, I’d turn it around. If he was obsessing over twitter, I’d take his phone.

I just wanted to move past that night completely. I wanted to just spend time with my friends, cuddle with Liam and just try and be happy. So that’s what I did. I pushed all outside influences out of my head as much as possible.

That was easier to do when I was curled up with Liam on his couch. We intended to watch a movie, but never actually got that far. Instead we fell into the couch together and have been talking and kissing in the dark for probably a good hour.

I had him pressed into the couch as I laid on top of him cuddled into his chest. His arms were wrapped around my waist securely and I turned my face up to kiss his neck softly. I think these were my favorite moments- when it was just us enjoying our company. I mean, yes, I loved the sex part, the sex was amazing, but this… this was more… I don’t know, more intimate I guess. Part of me was scared shitless of that, but the other has never felt happier.

I reached up and traced my fingers down is jaw, “You should just throw your razor out.”

He chuckled, “Why?”

“Because,” I nipped at his neck lightly. “Beards are so attractive.”

“So you’ve told me.”

“I only speak the truth.” I leaned up so I could kiss his lips, and he wasted no time snaking his tongue between my lips.

God did I love kissing this lad. I could literally spend every waking moment kissing Liam and not be bothered. It’s like every move he made when we kissed was so carefree, yet so calculated. His left hand came up to cradle my neck and my jaw while the other one stayed at my waist, pressing me too him. My entire body was pressed to his and in that moment I’ve never felt more full.

It was confusing, these feelings, but I wasn’t scared of it. Not really, not like I was during tour. I’ve come a long way in the past few months, even I can acknowledge that to myself.

His hand left my neck and trailed the length of my arms until he got to my hand and laced out fingers together over our heads. He adjusted himself a bit so that we were now flat against the couch. His hips pushed up into mine as he did so and I moaned into his mouth involuntarily.

Liam’s lips were slow, his tongue gentle, and as his hand at my waist started massaging across my back, he caressed my skin softly as he pushed my shirt up.

He must have forgotten we were on a couch because when he flipped us over, we toppled to the floor. He caught himself and braced himself on his hands so he would land on me too hard when we fell to the floor. He looked down at me with shock, “Shit, sorry.”

I couldn’t help but giggle at the situation, “Smooth.” Out of reflex, my hands back up to cover my face as I laughed.

He slowly pulled my hands down and smirked at me, “Are you laughing at me.” He licked my bottom lip playfully.

“Only a little,” my voice was shaky at that point. My stomach pulling as he started kissing down my jaw to my neck. He let his body press down on mine then. The feeling of his body weight on mine, his warmth across my skin- it was like all my senses were turned up to 11. I was feeling everything with such intensity I couldn’t even think straight.

He brought his lips back to mine before me smiled down at me as he pulled at the hem of my shirt. I arched up as I let him pull it off and drop it somewhere over my head. He was kissing me against before I could even think of reaching for his. Liam’s lips were great at distractions. One of his hands was on my hip, running up and down my side slowly. I got the chills all over my body when he popped the button on my jeans and pulled down the fly. He didn’t take them off, just tugged them down a bit, causing me to moan in delight against his mouth.

Both his hands trailed up my sides as his mouth went to the sweet spot on my neck. He palmed my breasts over my bra as he bit down on the skin under my ear. My body took a life of its one in that moment and I rolled my hips up into his aggressively, groaning as he continued to attack my neck.
My nerve endings were on fire, and all I could think, see, hear and touch was Liam. He had me so consumed in that moment, I was completely lost to him. His name escaped my lips in a sigh and he slowly- so slowly it was agenizing, started kissing down my collarbone and down my chest between my breasts. My hand moved between us then, and I palmed him through his jeans. “Fuck,” he groaned, nipping my skin again.

Liam ran his hand against me as he slowly continued moving his lips down my body. “Shit,” I groaned. I was on fire, I could feel my pulse beating rapidly against my chest. He got post my belly button and his tongue dance across the skin of my pelvic. God, it felt to good. He came back up to give me a deep slow kiss that I could feel all the way down to my toes as his hand pulled one of the straps of my bra down.

He lost interest in the bra though and kissed and sucked down my body making eye contact with me as he got to my jeans again. He bit at my hip bone, driving me nut. I squeezed my eyes shut, laying my head against the floor as his fingers curled around my waist of my jeans. His lips kissed against my knickers as he lowered my jeans. I moaned in delight again, “God I love you.”

That was the moment everything shattered and came to a crashing halt.

His lips froze on my body and I held my breath as I tried to pretend that didn’t just fucking happen. How could that have just come out of my mouth like that. I felt cold and hot all at once and I tried to make myself breathe.

Liam leaned up over me looking shocked. “Jaz-”

“I need to go,” I said as I pushed out from under him. I buttoned up my jeans as fast as I could and reached for my shirt and shot up ready to bolt.

“Wait! Hold on a second,” he said as I pulled my shirt on. I was already practically running for the door. I grabbed my purse a turned for the door. “Stop! Wait!” he jumped in front of the door before I could get to it. “Hold on, just,” he shook his head like he was trying to think clearly. “Don’t- wait, just- let’s talk about this.”

I was breathing erratically trying to keep my shit together as anxiety flooded my bloodstream. I couldn’t look at him in the eye, “Just- Liam, just let me go. I can’t- I just need to leave. Right now.” It was almost hilarious that I was begging for him to let me out the door when moments earlier I was practically begging him to never let me go. I chanced a glance up into his confused face, “Please just… just let me leave.”

We had a stare down for what felt like an eternity before he sighed and pushed off the door. As I moved around him I went out of my way not to touch him, but as I pulled the door open I felt his fingers brush against mine. It was only for a second because I couldn’t be in that house for another second. I couldn’t breathe and I needed out. I sprinted to my car, afraid that if I turned around I wouldn’t be able to leave and I needed to leave.

I just fucked up everything because I was horny and lost control of my motor skills.

*****

It’s been 3 days and I’ve completely avoided Liam. He’s called and texted but I couldn’t answer. I was having panic attacks and I couldn’t even think about what happened.

I needed to talk to someone, get out of my head, but Jesy was off doing Little Mix things, and I was so not going to my mother for this.

There was only one person I could think to turn too.

“Hello love,” Louis said when I opened the door for him. “You alright?”

“I’m terrible, thanks for asking,” I said flatly.

He walked himself into my living room and made himself comfortable on my couch. “This have anything to do with why Liam is all down in the dumps?”

“You’ve talked to him?”

He shrugged, “I saw him at the studio yesterday, but he didn’t say anything to us about what was up. But we could tell he was down.”

“Fuck,” I sighed. “I did something so stupid the other night.”

He stared at me quizzically, “What happened?”

I couldn’t say it. It was embarrassing and completely out of nowhere and I was losing my shit over this. “I-“ I cleared my throat nervously, “I accidentally told him I loved him while we were about to have sex.”

Louis stared at me for a long moment, taking in my words I imagine. Then he looked confused, “What do you mean by ‘accidentally’?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know how it happened. I was in the heat of the moment, and it just slipped out. I don’t know where it came from!” I sighed, “As soon as I said it I ran out of his house.”

“So you were drunk on lust, and your inner thoughts came out then, yeah?”

“No!” I said instantly. “I- I mean, I don’t- that’s not what happened.”

“Well how else would you explain it then?” he scoffed.

I sighed, “I don’t even know where it came from!” I exasperated.

He shrugged, “So you love him. What’s the problem? I’m not seeing it here.”

“I don’t love him, though. I don’t know where it came from. Maybe because I was horny and I just, I don’t know!”

He looked at me like I was stupid, “If you don’t love him then you wouldn’t have said it. Maybe if you stopped trying to lock your feelings deep down inside, this wouldn’t have happened. You’ve been in love with him since tour. I’ve told you that.”

“Shut up, that’s not- no I haven’t.”

He rolled his eyes, “It’s so obvious to everyone but you apparently. If you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t have said it.”

I looked away from him, because I couldn’t have this conversation. The last few days I couldn’t even let myself go down that road without having a panic attack and distracting myself. “Louis I just- I’m not ready for this. Every time I think about it I freak myself out! I don’t know why I’m like this okay,” I pleaded, “But I’m not… I’m not ready to get this close with him. With anyone!” I was on the verge of another panic attack.

His eyes softened at me, “Okay, calm down Jazmin.” He scooted over to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.”Just, I don’t know, breathe,” he breathed in deep with me. “Good, good. Okay, so you’re not ready. That’s alright but… you need to talk to Liam.”

“What do I even say? ‘Hey about what I said, let’s just pretend it never happened!’” I joked.

He shrugged, “I don’t know what you should say. But I know ignoring him isn’t helping either of you.” He sighed, “Okay, You lo- you like him right?”

I nodded slowly looking down at the rug, “Yeah, obviously.”

“Well, you need to talk to him. Explain how your feeling. He’s very understanding… and patient, to deal with you obviously.”

I smacked his chest, “Don’t be a twat.”

“I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous! Being in love is not the end of the word love.”

I shook my head, “I- I can’t deal with that! I’m not ready.”

“Relax! Jeez,” he sighed. “Okay, you’re not ready. I’ll let you have this insanity. But you need to talk to Liam.”

I nodded to agree with him, but then an earth shattering thought passed through my mind, “Oh my god, what if he says it back!”

He snorted, “I think, even if he thought about it, you pretty much scared him out of that as soon as you booked it out of his house.” I winced as the thought of Liam’s face when he was blocking the door popped into my head. I really fucked shit up. “Hey, it’s gonna be alright, babe. Liam’s a very understanding guy.”

“I really hope you’re right.”