Same Mistakes

I knew I needed to talk to Liam. As much as I wanted to rewind and pretend the other night never happened, life didn’t work like that. So when I got home from Louis, I locked myself in my room and stared at my phone for a good hour. I was trying to prepare myself for this, running different scenarios through my head on how it could go. Like, would he be glad to hear from me? Anxious I called? Angry?

I wasn’t in a hurry to find out honestly.

I really wished Jesy was home. She always gave me the best pep talks and gave me the confidence I needed to do anything. But sadly, she and the rest of my girlfriends were off being pop stars and I didn’t have the courage to text or call any of them and dump my issues on them while they were working.

So I stayed there, on my bed, trying to talk myself into calling Liam. I was being stupid, I knew that even if he was mad (which I’m sure he was) he’d still pick up the phone. That was just who he was- he never completely shut anyone out no matter what his feelings were. I wish I was more like him in that sense. I wish I was more open with my feelings, if I was, I probably wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with. I was still trying to get used to having an actual boyfriend, and now an actual boyfriend that was home and in the same city as me, let alone figuring out love. I wasn’t ready for that, no matter how much I knew I cared about him.

With a heavy sigh I picked up my phone and called him. It rang so long I actually thought I would go to voicemail, but then at the last second I heard it pick up.

Except he didn’t say anything. It was completely dead air on the other line, except for an audible sigh. That made my nerve kick into high gear even more, “L-Liam?” I stammered like an idiot.

“So now you want to talk to me?” yeah, he was angry. Or at the very least annoyed.

I sighed softly, “Look I know-”

“I mean, not only did you freak out and run off after you tell me you love me,” I winced at his harsh rushed words, “But then you ignore all my calls and text for days like this is all my fault! This isn’t how a relationship works Jazmin!”

“I know. I know, and I’m sorry I just… I needed,” I groaned, “Look can we talk?”

“Isn’t that what we’re doing right now?” he growled.

“No. Well yes but I think this is a conversation better to do in person.”

I swear I heard him inhale sharply, “Oh Jesus, are you breaking up with me?” the anger in his voice turned to disbelief.

“What? No!” I rushed out at a very embarrassingly high octave. “I just think we should talk face to face about some things.” I took a deep breath, “I’m not breaking up with you. I promise, that’s not what I want. I mean, if you want to I guess-”

“That’s not what I want, I just want an explanation for everything.” He didn’t sound in distress anymore, but he did sound completely exhausted of this conversation, or me, already.

I nodded knowing he couldn’t see me, “Yeah, I know. That’s what I intend to give you.”

He sighed, “Alright. Are you coming here or am I going there?”

“Oh um… whichever is easier for you.”

He sighed again, “Why don’t you come here?”

I pulled my bottom lip between my teeth aggressively, “Yeah, okay. I’ll leave right now.”

“Okay. I’ll see you soon then.”

“Yeah. See you soon.”

*****

I knew Liam would look good as soon as he opened the door I just wasn’t prepared for the sensation of the wind being knocked out of me. He was dressed moderately- in dark jeans, boots and a dark gray long sleeved hooded shirt. God, did he really need to look that good in everything? He had a pout on his lips that almost looked more prominent with his facial hair and his eyes were unreadable. “Hi,” I said nervously.

He let out a deep breath, slumping his shoulders as he did, “Come in.” He pulled the door open and completely moved out of my way as he let me pass.

Once I was inside, he shut the door and led me to the living room. I tried not to feel awkward about being in the room where it happened, when we were going to talk about everything…

Liam sat at the end of the couch and gestured that I should as well. I sat in the middle, close to him but far enough we weren’t touching. I wasn’t sure if he wanted me too or not. “So…?” he prompted after I hadn’t made a move to say a single thing for a few long painful moments.

I took a deep breath trying to ease the tension out of me. “Okay um…” I cleared my throat, “You know I care about you and I want to be with you, you know that. But I-”

“Sure sounds like a breakup to me,” he groaned as he leaned his elbows on his knees, pinching the bridge between his eyes.

“I’m not trying to breakup with you,” I snapped. I sighed again trying not to be annoyed with him. I mean, I really had no right. “Look I just… I care about you. A lot, obviously, but I’m not,” I paused trying to figure out how to word my jumbled thoughts properly. “I’m not ready for more than what we’re doing right now. I’m not ready for… for the L-word. I’m not ready for everything to get that serious.” When he didn’t bother to look up at me I continued, “I just… I think it’s best if we just forget what I said the other night. Please.”

I watched him in silence after I finished. I was staring down at his hands as he rubbed absently at his palm. His teeth pulled at his bottom lip a few times and his shoulders were tense. I just wanted to reach out and touch him. To try and comfort him but something held me back form that. Probably the uncertainty of his reaction.

Finally, when I thought I was going to lose it from the silence his back straightened. He cleared his throat and looked at me. His face was annoyingly blank again so I couldn’t predict what was coming. “Do I even get a say in this? Do you even want to hear how I feel?”

It was my turn to look at my hands. I felt shamed and guilty and just… I don’t know. “Of course I do. But I’m just trying to tell you that I- I’m not ready for anything more. I can’t- I’m not… I’m not even sure how I feel or if I just said it in the heat of the moment, and I’m definitely not ready to hear how you feel. I just think it’d be best to just forget about it. For now anyway.”

His eyes went sharp with annoyance and his sucked on his teeth in a grimace. “Fine,” he bit out.
“Really?” I couldn’t hide the shock in my voice. I expected him to fight me on this. He was always a big fan of talking things out and laying everything on the table since we officially started being real.

He shrugged before slumped back into the couch, “Well you’re not giving me much choice in this. If I push we’ll just end up fighting so if you want to just pretend it didn’t happen then that’s fine.”

He didn’t seem fine with it at all which just made my guilt pile on even worse, “Liam, I’m sorry. I-”

“Stop,” he said raising a hand to warn me. “Let’s just move on. I understand that you’re freaked out about this. This is your friend relationship, I get it- you’re not used to or ready for all of this so I’m not gonna push you. I know better than anyone else that pushing you does nothing but push you away.”

My heart dropped when his said that and it was even worse since he wouldn’t look me in the eye. “I’m sorry Liam,” I said into my lap. “I’m trying here, I really am. It’s just coming at me all too fast.”

I saw him nod when I chanced a glance at him. “I know you are. I’ve noticed, don’t think I haven’t. We’ll just- we’ll just slow down.” The edge in his voice was slowly fading.

“Can we just go back to before that… night?”

He sucked on his teeth again before nodding slowly, “Yeah,” he said hardly above a whisper. I nodded, unsure of what we were supposed to do now. He said it was fine but I couldn’t help but feel like it wasn’t. Because I like to think that I knew Liam enough to read him, and right now he was ridged and his facial expression was pinched. When he caught me staring at him his eyes softened. “Come here,” he held his arms out for me to crawl into his lap and I wasted no time doing just that. I straddled him with my knees on either side of his waist as his arms wrapped around me. I buried my face into his shoulder as my arms went around his neck. His fingers traced shapes into my lower back as he pressed a kiss below my ear, “We’re okay,” he said answering my running thoughts.

“Are you sure?” I asked just as softly, not raising my head from his shoulder. “I feel like I keep hurting you, no matter how hard I try not to.” I let my fingers rub the back of his neck, almost like I was trying to reassure him that I really felt terrible about everything.

He kissed down my neck and stopped where my shirt started. “I know Jaz,” his arms tightened around me to pull me closer into him. “It’s alright, I’m fine. We’re fine, just don’t shut me out. You really need to knock that shit off because that pisses me off the most.”

“I know. I know that’s my worst habit. I’ll try harder,” I promised.

His lips brushed against my ear, “You better.” Then he nipped at my earlobe playfully which sent goosebumps across my skin.

I pulled back to look at him, scrunching my nose and smiling. He was moving on from the tension and I wasn’t going to stop him. He pushed his forehead up against mine and smiled softly at me. I could see that he was still apprehensive about things, but he was willing to slow down for me. His words were still running through my head, how he felt like he couldn’t push me because I would just run. I can’t blame him, it’s not like I’ve shown him that it wasn’t a true statement. I really needed to work on not shutting people out. Shutting him out.

His nudged his nose against mine before he reached up further to brush his lips against mine. An instant heat flooded my bloodstream when he did so and it was all I could do not to jump him. I had to be patient and let him come to me, after all I was the one that kept fucking everything up.

His hands unwound from my waist and he came up and cradled my face in his hands. With the look he was giving me I could see all the things he wanted to say but didn’t. It was like a blow to the face, he was being so open with me yet I was basically a closed book half the time. I could see that he was hurt even though he was trying to play it cool, and I could see how much I meant to him.

But it was gone before I could process it and his gaze left mine and traveled to my lips. I watched as his tongue licked across his bottom lip as his thumb slowly traced mine. He glanced up at me once more, as if to ask for permission before he closed the gap between our lips.

With the way he kissed me, I could tell he still wanted this. He was still in this. I knew I really needed to get my shit together and quit jerking him around like I have been since we’ve met. It wasn’t fair to him, or either of us. I don’t know why I was like this, but I needed to make some changes and fix it for both our sakes.

Liam’s kisses were slowly making me feel better about everything, about us. His arms were back around my waist holding me in a tight embrace so there was no space between us. It was like he was trying to get us as close as possible as his tongue danced with mine. It wasn’t a fierce fast kiss either- it was slow almost like a caress. These were my favorite kisses, I liked going slow. It made it easier to really feel all of him; every brush of his finger tips, every lick, feel his sighs in pleasure.

He slowly sponged kisses down my jaw and my neck slowly as my fingers massaged his scalp through his short hair. “Will you stay tonight?” he lips dancing against my skin. His voice was deep and raw and just… a complete turn on.

“If you want me too.”

He pulled away from my neck and placed a small, but sweet, kiss on my lips. “I want you too,” he said with a small smile. “You can borrow a pair of my joggers and a shirt,” his hands rubbed slowly up and down my thighs as he smiled up at me almost bashfully. “We can watch a film.”

A smiled tugged at my lips, “Alright.”

His small smiled turned into a real one and I could have died with the way his eyes crinkled up the way they always did. He nipped at my shoulder playfully before his hands cradled me under my bum and we were off the couch before I could even comprehend it.

“I can walk you know,” I said cheekily as I wrapped my arms affectionately more tightly around his neck and shoulders.

His kissed my shoulder where he had previously nipped it, “So? And I can carry you just fine. You were on my lap anyway.” Clearly the insane amount of times he worked out a week were paying off because he carried me up the stairs without even so much as heavy breathing. Show off.

When we got up to his room he lightly tossed me onto his bed where I flopped back dramatically. He shook his head at me, trying to fight a smile as he went over and started digging around in his dresser. He tossed me a pair of joggers and a black shirt then pulled out some for himself.

We changed in silence before we climbed into his bed, “What do you wanna watch?”

“Anything but the Avengers,” I shot instantly.

He playfully glared at me, “Are you giving me cheek?”

“Maaaaybe,” I sang.

He scoffed as he squeezed my sides. “Fine, no avengers, but are all super hero movies off the table?”