Loving Him Was Red

~ Spinning like a girl in a brand new dress,
We had this big wide city all to ourselves.
We blocked the noise with the sound of ‘I need you’,
And for the first time I had something to lose,
And I guess we fell apart in the usual way.
And the story’s got dust on every page,
But sometimes I wonder how you think about it now.
And I see your face in every crowd. ~

~ She saw Patrick sitting on one of the chairs in the studio staring into a glass bottle of vodka that was nearly empty. He looked sweaty and angry. She stepped inside and shut the door behind her. “Hey baby,” she said softly. “It’s really late, why don’t you come to bed with me?” She started to make her way over to him.“No, I’m still fucking working Emma, can’t you see that?” he said roughly, glaring at her. She stopped in her tracks. “I know babe, but I think if you come to sleep, you’ll probably wake up refreshed and probably be able to work better.” “Stop talking Emma. You have no idea what you’re talking about.” he grumbled. She frowned. “Baby, I’m just trying to help you. You haven’t slept in months, and you’ve been drinking like a fish.” “What are you my mother?” he asked. He stood up and stalked toward her. “Why are you still with me, Emma?” She looked at him confused. “Because I love you and you love me,” she replied simply. He laughed darkly and his wicked smile scared her. ~

As they were driving to a Greek restaurant that Emma suggested, she and Andy started a conversation about the latest movies that they had seen with the other guys chiming in sporadically. She forgot how much she enjoyed all of the guys company, not just Patrick’s. As they drove, she started to get more comfortable sitting next to Patrick again. She had already made the mistake of touching him on the face earlier, but he didn’t flinch at her touch, no, she swore he actually enjoyed it. Being so close to him again, after all they had been through, she still got a fluttery feeling in her stomach.

“So is living in New York City a lot like being on that HBO show, Girls?” Pete teased.

She laughed. “Actually, it kinda is. I mean without the weird coke binge and stuff.”

Patrick looked over at her and said, “I love that show.”

She grinned. “I figured you did. It seems like your kind of show especially since you’re all hipster now with your button down shirts and skinny jeans.” She winked at him.

“I’m not a hipster!” Patrick exclaimed, his smile widening.

“Don’t let him fool you, he’s turned into a huge hipster. It’s not just the clothes,” Andy retorted.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Patrick said, laughing.

“You do wear a lot of sweaters,” Pete added.

“And you love to blog a lot now, very hipster,” Emma added.

“You read my blogs?” he said, surprised.

She reddened. “Well, yeah, I mean…”

Suddenly, Patrick’s pocket started ringing. Flustered, he pulled his iPhone out of his pocket. He looked at the screen and took a second before answering it. “Hey Babe,” he said in a low voice, turning away from Emma. She felt her giddiness take a sudden plunge into the depths of disappointment. She glanced at Pete who was sitting next to her who was giving her an apologetic look, a look that Andy and Joe both shared. It was as if they didn’t realize they needed to warn her that Patrick was seeing someone else. She never really thought about the possibility that Patrick would have another girlfriend at some point. Perhaps it was because she did not have a new boyfriend and therefore she did not think Patrick would either. Wow, how foolish of me, she thought. He was first and foremost a celebrity and women flocked all over him in all shapes and sizes. She remembered the young girls who would ask him for kisses on the cheeks or try and proposition him when they would meet him. It never bothered her because Patrick was always so shy and because he was quick to let them know his relationship status.

As Patrick ended the call, she did notice that he failed to tell this new girlfriend that he loved her. That peeked her curiosity. He shoved the phone in his pocket and mumbled an apology.

“It’s okay,” she replied. “I didn’t know you have a girlfriend, that’s awesome,” she said, straining her voice to be encouraging. “Who is she?”

Patrick looked at her. “Her name is Natalie, and she works for a PR firm in Los Angeles. I met her at a party or something,” he replied, flippantly.

Emma nodded. “That’s cool. So, um, how long have you been together?”

“About a year, give or take,” he answered. “She wants to come visit on tour, that’s why she was calling.”

Emma looked down at her hands, which she kept rubbing together in between her thighs. “That’s a good idea, yeah. I’d love to meet her.”

He eyed her with a look of skepticism, but didn’t say anything.

“What about you Emma?” Pete suddenly spoke up.

She gave him an uncomfortable look. “Oh, you mean do I have a boyfriend?” he nodded. “Er, no. No boyfriend.” She glanced back down at her hands.

“Well that’s surprising,” Pete remarked, peering over her at Patrick, who was pretending not to listen. “Isn’t the magazine staff full of hot-blooded men all itching to take you out?”

She shrugged. “Sure, but the thing is, I kind of promised myself that I would never date a musician again… and since most of the staffers at the magazine are also in one way or the other aspiring artists…” She looked up at Pete with a small smile. He glanced at Andy, then Joe and finally at Patrick. “You can see my dilemma.” She glanced at Patrick who looked chagrinned. “And the only other guys I’ve found around this city are either gay or stock brokers and those guys are just assholes. It’s okay though, I’m so busy with work that I don’t have time to go on real dates anyway.”

“I don’t understand why you don’t want to date musicians though anymore, we’re pretty cool dudes,” Joe commented.

Emma glanced at Patrick. “Umm…” He quickly turned his head to look out the window, a deep flush creeping up his neck and into his face.

“Joe, she probably can’t handle all the hair,” Pete said, saving her from having to form any real excuse.

“Whatever, she wishes she had this hair,” Joe muttered.

“No way, you probably spend a fortune on detangler,” she replied laughing.

Joe started going on about his hair care routine with Pete and Andy jumping in to make jokes and the tension eased off Emma to talk about her relationship status. She looked over at Patrick, who was trying to intently focus on whatever was rolling past them out the window. Well, if he didn’t know how you took the break up before, he certainly does now, she said to herself. She had really made a promise to herself when she left Patrick that she would steer clear of a relationship with a musician. She realized that although she fit with them so well, they may not be suited for handling a mature and real relationship as Patrick had proved to her so many years ago. She adjusted herself in her seat and let her hand fall at her side. When it did, it rested against Patrick’s thigh.

She sighed and turned her head to look out the window on the other side, beyond Pete’s head. Then suddenly, she felt his hand rest lightly on top of hers. Her breath hitched in her throat, but she didn’t tug her hand away because she wanted to see if it was an accident on his part. When his hand didn’t move, she turned her head forward and furtively looked down to see the back of his hand resting against the back of hers. Then she watched as his fingers slowly reached to caress hers. She glanced at the other guys to see if they noticed, but they seemed completely oblivious, as they were still going on and on about Joe’s hair and it had moved onto his fashion sense. She kept her hand still, but a part of her wanted to grab his hand and hold it. Yet another part wanted to smack it away.

Before either side could decide, however, the car stopped and Joe exclaimed. “It’s dinner time, bitches!”
____________________________________________________________________________________

What the hell was I thinking? He thought to himself, looking at himself in the mirror in the dressing room area behind the stage. All he wanted was to rest his hand at his side, but he did not know her hand was going to be there. When she left it there, he knew he could not very well just pull away. He did not want her to think he was uncomfortable being near her when she was obviously not uncomfortable being near him. As his hand remained there, he absently started caressing her fingers. He didn’t intend to do it , but when he started to, he realized that he wanted to hold her hand. He wanted to somehow let her know how sorry he was for everything that he had done to her to make her feel the way she did. He thought back to the night he broke it off and grimaced at the memory.

Throughout dinner, he noticed that Emma did everything in her power to ignore him. Whether it was his looks or words, she was trying to make it clear to him that she really did not want anything to do with him. He was confused by her complete 180-degree turn in attitude because of the last thing that happened between them in the car, but at the same time, he knew that it was probably for the best. You’re with Natalie now. Emma said it herself, she doesn’t want to be with someone like you, probably because of you and what you did, he thought to himself.

Now, they were backstage, preparing for the show. Their opening act was already getting ready to hit the stage and Patrick had shut himself in the dressing room to do some vocal warm ups. Typically, this was easy for him to focus on, but since Emma had shown up, he found it harder to get his mind straight. After a couple of verses and some vocal exercises, he grabbed his water bottle and took a sip. He headed for the door to go and meet the guys and do their group warm ups to get them all hyped up for the concert, when he was stopped by the sound of Pete’s voice coming from the other side of the door.

“It’s not polite to eavesdrop,” he heard Pete said in a joking tone.

Patrick looked at the door curiously and silently walked toward it and leaned against it to find out whom Pete was talking to.

“I wasn’t eavesdropping,” he heard Emma say defensively. His eyes widened. “I was just walking by and I happen to overhear Patrick warming up.”

“Well, that was an awfully long pause. You were standing outside his dressing room door for a good three minutes,” Pete replied nonchalantly.

“Um, well,” she stammered. “I should probably go.”

“No, no, no. Wait a minute,” Pete said quickly. “Since this is your first day of a two month tour with us, why don’t you and I clear something up right now. You’re still in love with Patrick aren’t you?”

Patrick leaned harder against the door, trying to catch Emma’s next words.

“Pete, please,” Emma said in an exasperated voice.

“Ha! I knew you still loved him!” Pete exclaimed.

“Pete, be quiet,” she said in a hushed voice. “Yes, it’s possible that I still have strong feelings for him. I thought I didn’t. I was hoping that I didn’t. But seeing him again just opened up all of these doors that were closed for so long in my heart.”

“You are such a writer,” he commented. “Okay, so why not tell him? I know Patrick and he would want to know.”

“No, I can’t tell him,” she replied. “He’s with someone else now, and what kind of person would I be to jeopardize that? Plus, I meant what I said in the car earlier.”

“Ah, yes, the musician rule you made up so suddenly. I can’t help but think Patrick had something to do with it.”

“Ya think?” she answered sarcastically.

“I don’t understand it though. What happened between you two?” Pete asked.

Patrick held his breath waiting for her response.

“Patrick didn’t tell you?” she asked.

“The first time he talked about it was today. He told us that he broke up with you. We all thought it was the other way around.”

“What?! Oh my God you guys are awful! Why would I break up with Patrick?” she exclaimed. “I loved him more than anything in the world. I put my career on hold for him.” She paused. “No, he’s right, he did the breaking up, more or less.”

“Great, got that established. So how'd he do it?”

She sighed. “Pete, those months after you guys officially took a break were really hard for him. He was lost and didn’t know what to do with his life. I wanted us to spend some real time together. I mean, we were together for four years, but most of that was hanging around with you guys and being in the public eye. I thought that we could just spend some time together.. Maybe get married?” She paused. “I was so naïve… Anyway, instead of that, he immersed himself in the studio in his house and never came out except to grab more alcohol. When I did see him, he was trashed and he rarely came to bed. It was like living with a ghost. No matter what I did, he saw right through me. It was a mess.”

“I’m sorry Emma, I had no idea. I was so wrapped up in my own shit that I didn’t realize Patrick needed a shoulder until he went public with it,” Pete replied.

“I don’t blame you, Pete, or the other guys. You were all sick of each other, you needed to take a break. I just didn’t know how to help Patrick work it out.”

“So what did he do?”

“Do you really want to know?” she asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, I do, Emma. He won’t talk about it. Hell, I don’t even think Natalie knows who you are or that he had a serious girlfriend before her. Whatever happened, he has been trying to bury it and I want to know why.”

Emma took a breath and started to tell him.

~ “Who said I loved you?” he spat out, making her recoil. She could feel her eyes start to well up. “Patrick, stop it. You’re drunk. You aren’t acting like yourself.” He shrugged. “Maybe this is who I really am. How do you know? Maybe I just needed to keep you around while I was busy to make sure I had a way to relieve all of my stress. How do we know if this was ever really love?” He turned away from her and walked back over to his computer that was playing the mix he had created. “Let’s face it Emma. This relationship was over the day my career was.” He bent down and stopped the recording. Emma wiped a few tears off her face. “Patrick, are you being serious right now?” she asked him. He didn’t say anything, confirming her fears.

“I can’t believe you!” she cried out. “I have done everything for you! I am the one standing here with you right now! Not Pete, not Andy, not Joe, me! What the hell did I do to deserve this?” He turned and looked at her sharply. “You never supported me. Let’s face it, you were happy we split up, because that’s what you wanted.” She looked at him aghast. “Patrick, that’s not true at all! You are the one that made that decision, don’t you blame me for it. I am not a Yoko Ono. You thought the band needed a break, and I chose to support your decision! You’re an idiot. You’re ruining yourself Patrick. You have no one to blame but yourself for that.”

He bellowed out in anger, grabbed the near empty bottle of vodka and threw it on the floor of the studio, sending shards of glass everywhere. “Why don’t you just get out if you hate me so much!” he shouted. “I don’t fucking need you; I don’t need anyone! Just get the hell out of my house!” He scooped up the top half of the broken bottle and hurled it at her. Emma was so shocked by his outburst she didn’t have time to react and the jagged edge of the glass scrapped her bare shoulder. She gasped and quickly covered the fresh bleeding wound with her other hand. She stared into his empty hazy eyes that were flashing with rage. She spun on her heels and ran out of the room as quickly as she could. ~

Patrick’s heart was racing, his chest heaving. He wanted to vomit. He had only remembered bits and pieces of what happened, but the words he said, the fact that he had actually hurt her, he realized there was a reason he blacked out that night.

Pete and Emma went silent after she finished her story. “Emma, I had no idea,” was all Pete said.

“It’s okay, no one did. I left that night; went to stay with a friend of mine and stayed there until I got the job at Rolling Stone and left for New York. Patrick tried to call me the day after; emailed and Facebooked me too. And he did that nonstop for a few days after, but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him. What he had said, what he did, I couldn’t let it go.” She paused. “I still have a scar from where he threw bottle at me.” She must have showed it to Pete at that moment, because Patrick heard Pete’s feet shuffle closer to her.

“Emma,” Pete murmured. “Patrick isn’t like that anymore. He’s stopped drinking for the most part, and he’s in a really good place.” It sounded like Emma had started to tear up because he could hear sniffling.
“I know Pete, I can tell. He’s not the same guy. He’s grown up. But, the fact is, we are over and it’s something that I have been trying to accept. He obviously has.”

Patrick was so immersed in the conversation, he didn’t realize how hard he was leaning on the doorknob and his hand slipped, jolting the doorknob. Emma and Pete’s conversation halted at hearing it turn, and Patrick silently cursed himself for being such a klutz. He took a deep breath and waited for ten seconds and then opened the door slowly.

He walked out, pretending not to see them at first and then when he turned his head toward them, he tried his best to act surprised that they were outside of his dressing room door. “Oh hey guys, I didn’t know you were out here already,” he said in the most upbeat tone possible.

Pete narrowed his eyes at him looking at him doubtfully. “Uh-huh, sure you didn’t.” He smirked. “Well, you warmed up?”

Patrick nodded, glancing at Emma. She looked absolutely mortified. “Uh, yeah, I’m ready. Emma, you coming?” he said, adjusting his black fedora atop his head. “It’d be cool to have you there. I always thought you brought us good luck when we were doing our pre-show ritual.”

Her face turned red. “Oh, um, sure. It’d be good for the article,” she replied, apparently shocked that he directed his attention at her.

“Great, let’s go then,” he said and he turned on his heels and started walking toward where Andy and Joe would be, Pete and Emma walking behind him. He knew that he should have been focused on the show, but there was only one thing he could think about – that Emma still loved him. His heart seemed a bit lighter than it had felt in a long time.