Loving Him Was Red

~To hands between legs, to "whatever it takes"
To drinks at the club to the bar
To the keys to your car
To hotel stairs to the emergency exit door~

Patrick closed his eyes and started thinking about Darth Vader’s death scene in the last Star Wars film to try and calm himself down. The last thing he wanted was to get out of the truck and have one of the guys or Emma notice how “excited” he had gotten. His hand was still numb from touching her skin. He still couldn’t believe how bold he had been, first in telling her that he did love her and that she had to make the move and next in getting intimate with her in the back seat of the truck when everyone else was in there. What is happening to me? He thought, shaking his head. Everyone else filed out of the truck and then the driver pulled forward the middle seat to let Patrick and Emma out. He rushed out of the truck as fast as he could so that he could situate himself and then turned around to see Emma getting out of the truck. He admired her frame as she straightened out her clothes, every movement she made him want her more. He shook his head and turned to Pete who was watching him.

“Down boy,” Pete joked. “You’re making it REALLY obvious that you’re checking out your ex-girlfriend right now.”

Patrick looked chagrinned. “Sorry.” He looked away from Emma and at Pete. “She asked me earlier about what I said to her.”

Pete raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah, and what did you say?”

“I told her I still loved her, and I told her that it was her move.” They lagged behind the rest of the crew, which was being escorted by one of the security guards to the back of the club.

Pete clapped him on the back. “Well, I guess we’ll have to see what she decides.” Patrick’s phone started ringing and Pete watched him as he quickly pulled it out of his back jean pocket and clicked button to ignore. “How much longer are you gonna have to do that?” Pete wondered aloud.

Patrick sighed. “I don’t know.” He felt terrible about what he was doing to Natalie. They had been together for almost a year, and she was a nice girl. He remembered the first time they met, at some party at a local club in Los Angeles. Brendon, his good friend and lead singer of Panic!, had introduced them because she was doing some marketing proposals for their band. Patrick was always shy when he first met anyone, particularly girls, but she seemed so confident and talked him in circles that she was able to melt the shyness away. She kept biting her lip and crossing and uncrossing her legs. He was tired of being alone, and she asked him if he wanted to come upstairs. Eventually, they became something of an item. She didn’t understand the world that he came from and would complain about the hours he had spent with Pete and the guys writing new music because they had started up right around the time she and him met. However, she didn’t want to leave him, so he thought she might have loved him. Problem was, he wasn’t sure if he loved her. And now that Emma was suddenly back in the picture that doubt was ripping holes into his mind.

“Let’s hope Emma makes it easy for you then,” Pete said, nodding to the security guard that was holding the door open for them.

They made their way into the club, instantly hit with the blaring sound of a club remix of a Drake song. Strobe lights of different colors bounced off the walls in the otherwise dark atmosphere. The only other light came from mood lighting set strategically near the bar area and the VIP section where the tables were. The place was already crowded with men in jeans and button down shirts and women in skimpy dresses and tops. Patrick watched Tracy grab Emma’s hand excitedly, her face expressing the glee of being there. Emma seemed to look nervous, but she was hiding it behind a smile. AJ and the crew were eyeing the crowd, nudging each other and making comments about some of the women they passed on their way to the private table that Tracy had reserved for them. The tables had two round, red leather couches that circled a small circular stainless steel table. Everyone had taken their seats and Patrick somehow did not end up near Emma, which he was disappointed with. She was wedged between Joe and AJ with Tracy next to them, nearly sitting on Pete’s lap. Patrick was on the other side of Pete with Andy, Brent and Diaz. He sighed and rested his head in his hands.

A young waitress that was nearly a foot taller than any of the guys with bigger breasts than any of the girls approached them and handed Pete a small leather-backed menu of all their drinks. “What are you guys in the mood for?” Pete shouted over the music.

“Bring us some tequila!” AJ shouted, the other guys nodding in agreement. The thought of tequila made Patrick’s stomach hurt. He had drank a lot of that and vodka right after the hiatus and had since developed a dislike for it.

“Can we please get some beer too?” Emma piped up. “Mix it up with some Yuenglings and ugh Coronas.”

“If you hate Coronas, why did you get them?” Joe asked her.

“Because I know you guys will all drink them once you’ve down a few shots of that tequila, you will be wanting a chaser,” she replied smugly.

“Smart girl right there!” Diaz proclaimed, nodding at her. She grinned and Patrick suddenly wished he had made the compliment.

The waitress left their table and in a few minutes she returned with three buckets: one with a large bottle of Patron on ice, one with seven bottles of Coronas, and one with seven bottles of Yuengling. Emma grabbed a bottle of the Yuengling, popped the top and placed the bottle to her lips. Patrick watched her throw her head back and let the light amber liquid run into her mouth. Good God I need to stop looking at her, he thought anxiously, glancing at anything other than his ex-girlfriend. He looked down and noticed someone had placed a shot glass full of tequila in front of him as well as a beer.

Joe stood up and raised his shot glass. “Gentlemen, we are the Lords of Orlando tonight. May our names forever be etched into the fabric of rock and roll and may some babies be made tonight to our songs!” He broadcasted loudly.

Everyone cheered and downed their shot of tequila. Patrick could feel it burn as it went down his throat. He grabbed his Corona and immediately downed half the bottle to escape the taste of the hard liquor. It had been awhile since he had drank any hard liquor, and he knew if he wasn’t careful he would get drunk fast.

As the music played, they were all shouting at each other, laughing and sharing stories and anecdotes. People would walk by their table and do a double take, and some girls would come running up to them, gushing about how much they loved the band. Although they had been a band for over 10 years now, Patrick still felt a bit out of place when that happened.

Patrick glanced at Emma every once in a while, noticing that she already had three beers finished and was reaching for another shot. Suddenly the infamous ‘Harlem Shake’ came on and Tracy had gotten up and pulled Pete to his feet.

“Come on babe, let’s go dance!” she exclaimed, pointing to the crowded dance floor just beyond them. The crowd was going wild as the song played.

“Anyone else want to come?” Pete asked, eyeing Patrick steadily.

“I’m game for some dancing,” Diaz said, standing up. “I see some ladies that I would like to get to know.”

Patrick hesitated, and Emma shot to her feet. “I want to dance!” she exclaimed. Patrick looked at her in surprise. Her face was flushed and she was grinning madly.

“I’m coming to watch this spectacle,” Joe said, getting up. Andy said he was good and so did Brent.
“Patrick?” Pete finally said, giving him a knowing look.

Patrick glanced at Emma, who was already starting to sway her hips back and forth to the music. “No, not yet,” he said.

Pete scowled. “Okay, let’s go then guys.” He grabbed Tracy’s hand and led her down the stairs, Joe, Emma and Diaz on his heels. Patrick noticed Emma glance back at him, her look clouded over in confusion.

“Why didn’t you go dance with Emma?” Andy asked him once they had gone.

“Scared, I guess,” he said. “I mean, telling her how I feel seemed a lot easier than acting on it.” His mind still replayed their brief interaction in the truck. He could feel his body growing hot from the memory.

“Patrick, you’ve never let fear stop you from getting what you wanted before,” Andy commented.

“I know, but… see… I kind of told Emma that the next move was hers. I guess I didn’t really think that through,” he said miserably.

“So? Who said you had to hold her to that. Emma is a strong woman, but, let’ s face it, pursuing a relationship with an ex is hard, especially if you’re the one who was dumped,” Andy pointed out.
Patrick looked out at the dance floor. He could barely see anyone from their group. However, he did notice a taller man with dark brown hair, short and styled had approached Emma as she moved her hips seductively to the new song that was playing, “Swimming Pools (Drank).” The man weaved his way behind her and slipped his hands onto her hips. Patrick took a deep breath and felt a knot of jealousy in his stomach.

“Patrick, if you don’t do something soon, you won’t have the option of being with her for long,” Andy said, watching Emma and the guy dance. She had leaned back against his chest, her eyes closed, a blissful smile on her face. “I know it’s kinda weird to say this, but Emma’s hot. You got to make up your mind.”

Patrick slumped back into the couch. “I’m such an idiot some times aren’t I?”

“Yes, if you keep hanging out here with me, Brent and AJ, moping,” Andy agreed. AJ and Brent nodded.

“Yeah, you’re making me feel miserable. I think I need to go find a girl to hit on. Brent coming?” AJ stood up and gestured for Brent to follow him. Brent shrugged and walked off with him.

Patrick took a deep breath and stood up, psyching himself up to walk out on the dance floor and pull Emma away from that guy. However, he noticed how much fun she seemed to be having and he sat back down. “I don’t know, maybe it isn’t a good idea for us to try and start up things again,” Patrick said frowning.

Andy gave him a disbelieving look. “Yeah, I don’t know about that. But, it’s your decision Patrick.”

After a few songs, Pete and Tracy returned with Joe, but Emma wasn’t with them. Patrick sat up concerned. “Where’s Emma?” he asked them.

Pete looked at Tracy and Joe. “Um, er, she kind of went off with some guy….” He trailed off.

Patrick groaned. “Great, just great.”

“Why didn’t you come dance with us!” Tracy cried out. “You could have been out there with Emma, not that weird random frat dude.”

“I don’t know, cold feet?” Patrick said helplessly.

“It’s cool, man, I don’t know if you could have hung with her anyway, she’s got some moves,” Joe retorted, grabbing the new bottle of Patron and pouring himself a shot.

Patrick rolled his eyes and pushed his hat forward. “Just let me know when this night is over.” Miley Cyrus’s “We Can’t Stop” came on then and Patrick lifted his hat. “Uh, maybe we can leave now?”

“I don’t know what you’re problem is, this song is actually a good jam,” Pete said with a half smile.

Pete and Tracy leaned against the railing in front of their table area and Joe sat back down and started a conversation with Andy. They all were immersed in their own conversations and Patrick had left his hat over his eyes, until he heard someone shout, “What the hell!?”

He put his hat back on his head and saw Emma storming up to him. He glanced at Pete who looked alarmed. Emma was alone, which Patrick thought was a good sign. “Are you okay, Emma?” Patrick asked her, sitting up.

She pushed Andy and Joe out of her way and stood directly in front of Patrick. “I am really drunk right now,” she proclaimed, and Patrick raised his eyebrow.

“Yeah, I can see that,” he smirked.

“Not funny! You are not a nice person!” she said her words slurring a bit. “I’m tired of playing around. Some ugly dude was sweating all over me and all I could think about is you! You can’t just tell a girl you love her, especially your ex-girlfriend and then do nothing! Do you want this or not?!” she exclaimed, gesturing to her body.

Patrick gulped and glanced at Pete who was grinning widely. “Ummm…”

She climbed on top of him, straddling his lap and Patrick felt like he was going to have a heart attack. “I asked you,” she murmured in his ear, “Do you want this or not?” She then pressed her lips against his and he could hear Andy and Joe next to him cry out in surprise. His body instantly reacted, his arms wrapped around her waist and his lips pressing back. Her hands had snaked up and around his neck, knocking his hat off so that she could run her hands through his hair. He could hear a moan escape from her mouth and he could feel his jeans getting tighter.

Although they seemed miles away, he could hear Pete say, “Um, yeah, this is really weird guys, we should probably give them some, uh, privacy.”

“Privacy! They’re making out in the middle of a crowded club! I think they may actually start having sex on that couch,” Joe exclaimed.

“Eh, I don’t think so, but Pete’s right, let’s go,” Andy said. Then Patrick didn’t hear another word from them.

Emma broke the kiss briefly and looked down at him from underneath her long eyelashes. She was breathing heavily and beads of sweat were forming on her face. “I’ve made my move, so what’s next?” she whispered.

Patrick just stared at her, admiring her lips, red and swollen from the kissing, her cheeks flushed from arousal. He had truly forgotten how attracted he was to her. “You are so beautiful,” he said under his breath, placing kisses down her neck.

“You’re beautiful,” she repeated, giggling. He stopped kissing her and pulled away, looking into her eyes. They were glassy and unfocused.

“Emma, you’re really, really drunk,” he said. “I don’t know if we should be doing this.” He silently cursed the gentleman in him, but he truly didn’t want something more to happen between them if she wasn’t going to remember it in the morning.

She looked at him hard. “What do you mean? I thought you said you still loved me? And you were trying to feel me up on the ride over here!” she exclaimed, climbing off him. Patrick stood up.

“Emma, I don’t want to do anything that you won’t remember in the morning,” he explained apologetically.

“Well, now you know what I had to go through all those years ago!” she shouted, making him wince.

“Emma,”

“No! You are a major… jerk… you know that? I didn’t come on this tour to screw around with you!” she exclaimed. “I’m not a whore or pathetic. “

“Emma, I would never think that about you,” he said, shaking his head. “Why don’t we just go back to the tour bus and talk? Maybe once you sober up…”

“Oh, so what gives you the right to ask me that?! After everything you put me through…”

“Emma!” he shouted, making her jump. “Stop arguing with me! Stop bringing up the past. I tried to tell you how sorry I am about what happened so many times!” He grabbed her shoulders fiercely. “You chose to ignore me. I can’t change what happened, but I’m here now and I still care about you and respect you, please.” He looked at her with pleading eyes.

Her eyes started to well up and she went from angry to sad. “Patrick,” she whispered. And then her eyes widened and she turned bent over the small round table and threw up in one of the empty buckets that had once held the beer bottles.

“Holy smokes,” Patrick said, staring at her aghast. Emma moaned and sat back against the bottom of one of the couches. Patrick knelt down. “Are you okay Em? I think we need to get you some water.”

“And a towel,” she joked, groaning from the pain in her stomach. “Ugh this is so embarrassing.”

Patrick helped her up and placed her arm around his shoulders. “No, embarrassing would be that time when you had to apply that cream to the bug bites I got at that festival in Leeds that one time… on my butt.”

Emma tried to laugh, but it made her stomach hurt more and she lurched forward. “Don’t make me laugh, I’ll throw up again,” she complained. She leaned her head against his body and he pushed her hair out of her face.

“Let’s get you back to the tour bus,” he said, guiding her out of the club toward the back door where their SUVs were parked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Emma rested her back against the door to the bathroom in the tour bus. Her stomach ached from too much alcohol and not enough food to soak it all up. She had thrown up once in the SUV, which she apologized profusely for to the driver and promised to clean it up and then threw up three more times in the bathroom of the tour bus. Patrick was sitting outside of the door, several bottles of water ready for her to drink and some towels. She didn’t even want to look at herself in the mirror because she knew she looked a mess. She had wiped off her mascara in the car as she was throwing up and crying and when she had caught a glimpse of herself in the reflection of the car window, she noticed that she had black stains on her cheeks and her hair looked like a bird’s nest.

“Emma?” Patrick called out to her from the other side of the door. “Do you need some water?”

She opened the door just a sliver and pushed her hand through the opening. She felt Patrick place a cold bottle of water in her hand. “Thanks,” she mumbled, pulling it through the door and shutting it again. She took slow, small sips of the bottle, relishing in the refreshing cold liquid that ran down her throat. She stood up and walked over to the sink to brush her teeth, eager to get the taste of bile out of her mouth.

“How are you feeling?” Patrick asked her.

“Better,” she replied. “I’m pretty sure all of the alcohol I drank is now either in the SUV or in this toilet.” She groaned. “I think I’m going to take a shower. I’m pretty sure there’s vomit in my hair.” She crawled away from the door and toward the shower. It was only a small stall since they had limited space on the tour bus, but she didn’t care. She turned on the water and let it start to run hot. She slowly stood up and started undressing. As she stepped into the shower, she sighed as the warmth of the water washed over her. She tilted her head back into the stream of water coming from the showerhead and combed her fingers through it. “Patrick, can you please bring me those towels?” she called out.

She heard the door open slowly and she could make out the hazy figure of Patrick from beyond the clouded glass door of the shower stall. “Um, do you want me to just leave them on the sink here?” he asked.

“Sure, that’s fine.” She watched him from the corner of her eye as he gently laid the towels on top of the sink. Just as he was about to turn, she said, “Do you remember that time we thought it would have been really hot to have sex in the shower of your old tour bus?” She heard him trip over himself. She must have surprised him with her comment. She was a bit surprised at herself for bringing up that memory.

“Er, yeah, if I recall correctly, that did not turn out very well,” Patrick commented, turning around.

She giggled. “No, it did not. I think Pete got to see more of you that day than he had ever wanted to.” She heard Patrick laugh.

“Yeah, he kept referring to my “white ass” for months afterward,” Patrick replied. “That was so awkward. You know, you’d think they’d make tour bus bathrooms a bit more convenient considering rock stars’ reputations.”

“Maybe there’s a Tommy Lee special that we don’t know about,” Emma joked. She smiled to herself. “It was still pretty awesome though.”

“Yeah, we definitely made up for it later on too,” Patrick added. Thoughts of them together intimately ran through her mind, but she tried to push those thoughts away.

She turned the water off and opened the stall door just a crack. “Um, can I get a towel please?” Patrick averted his eyes and handed her a towel. She grabbed it and quickly wrapped it around her body. She squeezed water out of her hair and then stepped out of the shower, coming face to face with Patrick. “Whoa, these are really small bathrooms, huh?” she commented, staring into his eyes. “This would make an excellent dreamatorium,” she said weakly, making a reference to Community.

He smiled. “And what scenarios would you run?”

She bit her lip and glanced down at their toes, which were facing each other. “We could pretend we’re actually together again.”

“How meta,” he said in a low voice, his smile widening.

Emma looked back up into his eyes. She forgot that even though Patrick wasn’t the tallest guy in the world, he was still a bit taller than her when she wasn’t in a pair of heels. “You know me,” she paused and said softly, “I'm sorry I made a big scene in the club tonight.”

He shrugged. "Not a big deal. I've seen worse. I've done worse." She met his eyes and he looked at her sadly. "Emma, if I could change what happened between us, I would."

"Why couldn't I have been enough?" she whispered sadly. "I tried so hard to be there for you, I could never understand what it would be like to go through something what you and the guys went through, but I was there for you and you just tossed me aside."

"You were enough, I wasn't enough... for you... for myself... I felt defeated like I let everyone down, you, Pete, Joe and Andy, our fans. I don't know. I guess I really am emo."

She shook her head and tried to lighten the mood a bit. "You weren't the one wearing eyeliner, babe." Her breath caught in her throat as she said the last word and she held it, wondering what he would do next. He grinned and brought his hands up to face, pulling her head toward him and kissed her gently on the lips.

Emma twisted her arms around his neck and pulled him closer to her body, deepening the kiss. She murmured his name and he pulled down on the towel, loosening it and letting it fall to the floor. Emma could feel a slight chill go through her, but as soon as she felt Patrick’s hands on her bare skin, she could feel her temperature rise. His hands explored the all too familiar territory of soft skin and every touch made her more desperate for them to move forward. She felt his right hand slide between her legs and she gasped.

“Come on,” he whispered, pulling her out of the bathroom and over into his bunk bed. She unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off him as he unbuckled and unzipped his jeans. She climbed into the bed and he followed suit, kicking off his jeans and boxer briefs along the way.

As he lowered himself on top of her, she gripped his back tight. “Patrick,” she exclaimed, inhaling sharply. She looked into his eyes and she knew that this was exactly where she wanted to be. Every movement and every touch seemed so familiar yet so new all at the same time that it was exhilarating. When they had finished, Patrick moved off of her and pulled her onto his chest. She nuzzled against it and rested an arm around his stomach. He reached for his sheets and pulled them up over top of them. Being with him in that moment, Emma felt more content than she had ever felt in the past few years. She looked up at him and grinned. “Yeah, definitely not missing those sideburns.” He rolled his eyes and grinned down at her, kissing the top of her head. Emma closed her eyes and could feel sleep take over quickly.