Dirty Mouth

I sat in my car smoking my life away outside of Marty’s for a little while. I wasn’t supposed to work that day because Marty still wanted me to take some time for myself, but I couldn’t exactly pay my rent with imaginary cash so I came in anyway. My shift started in five minutes but I just didn’t want to go inside yet.

I hated that diner. I hated the whole town, really, and I wasn’t the only one. I knew for a fact that there were a ton of people in Rogersdale that couldn’t stand the place. It was kind of a miserable town anyway. I mean nothing substantial ever happened and everyone was so starved of gossip that they made up rumours just for the sake of talking. Rogersdale was definitely one of those places that everyone hates but no one leaves. It’s like a black hole for happiness and prosperity. It’s the same shit over and over again. Some days I have no idea why I ever left New York for such a shit hole, but then I remember that New York is pretty depressing too if you’re not a billionaire, famous, or a starving artist of some sort. I was obviously none of those things, so it did little for me. Although I have to admit, I liked walking around that city late at night. I’d only walk around my block, you know, to stay close to home. It was dangerous to do that and all and I was still just a kid when I lived there but I liked it. I kind of liked watching all the people who were so busy they didn’t give a damn about who you were. I liked feeling like I was invisible sometimes.

I sighed and flicked the butt of my cigarette out my window before turning my shitty car off and getting out of it. I pushed the front door open and the little bell jingled. The place was pretty barren. It was always depressing walking into Marty’s. Mandy came around from the back room and her face broke out into a huge smile. She actually was very pretty. I don’t know why she continued to sell herself short so much. She could be sleeping with C.E.O’s and stuff, but instead she’s sleeping with tools and bums.

“Maxi!” she squealed, running over to hug me.

“Oh, hey, Mands,” I said, hesitantly patting her back.

“How are you feeling? How’s your hand? How’s your face?” She pushed some of my hair back to inspect me. I shook her off.

“I’m fine,” I said. “I gotta work though, so I came back early.”

“Right,” She nodded. “Well let’s go then. Dinner rush should be coming in soon.”

I laughed. “Dinner rush at Marty’s…oh, that’s a good joke.”

She chuckled weakly. “Yeah…you’re sure you’re okay, Max?”

I gave her a gentle smile and patted her head.

“Oh, Mands…you worry too much.”

“Well maybe if you didn’t give me a reason to…” she muttered, fumbling with her dress.

“What was that?” I asked, lifting my pierced eyebrow.

“I’m just sayin’, Maxi…”

“I never asked you to care,” I said. “I mean, I guess it’s nice you do, no one really cares these days. I just—I’m fine, Mandy. Okay?”

I left her and walked into the kitchen where Tad was cutting up some tomatoes. He gave me a tentative smile.

“Hey, man,” he greeted. “We’ve missed your face around here.”

I scratched the back of my head. Here’s the thing: I’ve never been good at apologizing. I rarely apologized for anything because I was a self-entitled asshole, but this was one instance where I felt Tad deserved an apology. Sorry meant shit all these days; it was just a word that got tossed around, kind of like “I love you” did. Regardless, it was still something that had to be said sometimes.

“Yeah…listen, Tad, I’m sorry for kinda losing it on you the other day,” I mumbled, making eye contact with the streaky floor. “I just haven’t been myself for a little while. I don’t really know what’s going on, y’know? My head…it’s been all messed up and I—”

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Tad said. “It happens to everyone.”

I wasn’t sure it did, to be honest. If everyone felt as shitty as me…Christ. That would be one damn unfortunate world.

“Sure,” I sighed. “So, uh, what’s with Mands? She’s awfully clingy.”

“Dunno,” Tad shrugged, slicing into a new tomato. “I think she’s going through a dry spell. She’s probably hoping you’ll fix her up.”

I chuckled and grabbed an apron from a hanger. “Right, right. She must be really damn desperate if that’s the case.”

“Hey, maybe she found Jesus,” Tad chortled. “She’s got a ton of sins to repent for.”

“Did she find him in her cleavage? Because a guy could lose his car in there. Did you see it today?” I smirked.

“I’m not inclined to stare at women’s breasts, but yeah I know what you’re talking about.”

I rolled my eyes. “So like, I know you’re gay and all, but…you don’t even want to look at a good pair of tits? Like say a real hot lady stripped naked right in front of you. Would you even flinch?”

“In disgust, maybe,” he joked.

“Really? Women’s bodies gross you out?”

“No, not really. I think women’s bodies are kinda beautiful. They just don’t make me feel all sexy and shit. Now, a muscular man’s body, that’s somethin’ else.”

“Hm,” I nodded, “interesting.”

“Well, what about you? Do you find other men’s bodies disgusting?” Tad put down his knife and looked at me, leaning against the counter.

I shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t really look at ’em like that.”

“Exactly. But if a guy got naked in front of you, would you flinch or punch him out?”

I thought about it for a second. I thought about if the guy were Tad and he just stripped in front of me, if I’d punch him out or not. I couldn’t decide. On one hand I’d be more than a little uncomfortable, but just because it’s Tad I didn’t think I’d knock him one. I probably wouldn’t punch any gay person unless they were trying to rape me, and that doesn’t happen very often, at least not to me.

“I probably wouldn’t hit him or anything,” I shrugged.

“Do you think you’re gay?”

“What?”

“It’s just a question. Have you ever thought about it?”

I laughed. “No. With my latest lady troubles I’m thinking about becoming asexual, though.”

“Really? It’s that bad?”

I blinked. “Well, no…that was an exaggeration, but still.”

Suddenly the door opened and Mandy walked in to grab some cleaning supplies. She paused after grabbing the spray bottle and gave us a look.

“What?” she asked.

It was at that moment both Tad and I realized we’d been staring at her. I mean, let’s be honest, a straight guy doesn’t want a hot girl to hear him contemplating his sexuality. And while only one half of us was straight, it was still one of those situations where conversation ceased almost immediately. I blinked and scratched at my head again, turning around and grabbing a whole tomato to play catch with.

“Nothin’,” I replied. “What’re you lookin’ at?”

“A freak and a homosexual,”

“Ah, there’s the Mandy I know.” I winked at her. “Your sarcasm feels so good, baby.”

“Oh? Was it sarcasm…?” Mandy smirked.

“Well…he is a homosexual,” I said, pointing behind me at Tad.

“And you’re a freak,” she said, pushing the door open and walking out.

“In the…sheets…” I tried to get it out before she left but it was too late. I caught the tomato in my right palm and sighed. Tad laughed behind me.

“Wow,” he said, “that was terrible.”

“Shut up,” I grumbled, dropping the tomato back in the basket.

“So I’m confused,” Tad said. “Who are you with? Because you’re sort of flirting with Mands but what about that bar chick? Or is that totally done now?”

“Uh, y’know…it’s kinda complicated,” I muttered.

“I get it. Why don’t we hang out tonight, huh? We can drink and you can vent. And don’t act like you don’t have to do that because everybody has to do that sometimes.”

I gave him a tiny smile and a nod. I mean, I guess he was right. I knew damn well the amount of shit I had bottled up inside would make a government worker go into cardiac arrest. I had to get it out somehow, and I wasn’t one for journal writing. Alcohol and a buddy sounded like a pretty good alternative to me. I really never cared to vent, which is why I had so much shit biting at my insides all the time. It just always felt like a pretty weak thing to do. Then again, that’s probably something I can blame my father for.

The work day crawled by slower than a dying slug. Come noon I felt like I’d already worked a full day. Not many people had come in for the pathetic dinner rush, and maybe that’s why it felt so slow. I did nothing but prep food and clean the whole time. At least watching a burger sizzle and drip oil on a hot stove was slightly entertaining. I cut up so many damn potatoes I was contemplating cutting my finger off just to watch something interesting happen. You know, just to watch the blood stain the starchy vegetables and the cutting board. But then I ran my fingers over my burn mark on my wrist and stopped myself from thinking like that. If I hurt myself again Marty would have to give me another “fatherly talk” and I’d have to sit there and listen to it while I stitched up my own damn finger, likely. God, I could picture it so clearly. Marty would stand there and hold my decapitated finger in place and yap away about me and his concerns while I tried to sew it back on. It’d come out crooked or upside down or something and I’d just leave it that way to escape Marty. Beautiful.

The door to the kitchen opened and Mandy poked her head around the corner.

“Maxi there’s some girl looking for you out front.”

I gave her a look. “What did you just say to me?”

“I’m serious. Says her name is Emmie,” She sounded annoyed. “Does that mean anything to you?”

I put my knife down and wiped my hands on my apron. I was suddenly very thankful I hadn’t actually cut my finger off.

“Yeah, it does.”

I pushed past Mandy into the front. Emmie was leaning against the counter in a low-cut shirt, exposing all of that to me. She smirked, her bright red lips drawing me in even further. Do you ever look at someone after awhile of not looking at them and you realize just how good-looking they are? Maybe it’s just the day, or the way they smile or laugh or something, but you’re just reminded that they’re hot? That was how I felt in that moment. I always knew she was hot, but I was just reminded of it. Damn, was she hot. I need to stop repeating myself so much.

“Hey,” she said.

“Uh, hi,” I swallowed. I could feel Mandy’s presence right behind me. She was judging. “What’re you doing here?”

She shrugged. “I dunno. When’s your break?”

“In fifteen minutes,”

“Wanna grab a smoke with me?”

“Y-yeah, okay,” I stuttered. Hot women make me an idiot, if you hadn’t noticed already.

“Maxi…?” Mandy’s voice crept up from behind me and I spun around, giving her a dirty look for a minute before finally realizing what she was implying.

“Oh! Oh, shit. Uh, Emmie, this is my friend, Mandy. Mandy, Emmie.” I stood back a little so they could shake hands.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Mandy said. Her smile was damn near poisonous.

“You, too,” Emmie said in her bored tone. “So you both work here? This place is dead as hell. What do you do all day?”

“There’s always something to do if you have enough work ethic,” Mandy retorted. “What do you do all day?”

Emmie raised her eyebrows but didn’t say anything. I was starting to feel kind of anxious. Why were they fighting? I didn’t know. What was Mandy’s problem? They’d never even met one another before! Jesus, women are fucked up sometimes.

“Don’t you sell blow and suck dicks at the Wolf’s Den for a living?” Mandy asked, folding her arms over her chest. “Because your business isn’t welcome here, sweetie.”

Emmie barked a laugh and shook her head. I stepped in at that point. As much as a girl fight might’ve been a sort of turn-on, I figured my workplace wasn’t the best place for it.

“Mandy, why don’t you go help Tad in the back?” I said in a low, warning voice. I wasn’t sure why she was crossing so many boundaries, but she was and I didn’t like it. If she thought she had a right to be a bitch, well I had a right to be defensive.

She just gave me a cold stare and spun around, stomping through the kitchen.

“She’s a firecracker, isn’t she?” Emmie chuckled.

“Kind of,” I mumbled.

“So are you busy right now?” she asked, letting her fingers dance across my knuckles. I looked at where she was touching me, confused. I swear everyday she was in a different mood, and I had no idea where it came from or what it meant.

“Well I’m talking to you so I guess not,” I replied.

“Why don’t we go grab a smoke right now then?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

I pulled my car keys from my pocket and followed her out the front door. I unlocked my car and dug around for my smokes and a lighter. She already had one of her own cigarettes in her lips and I lit it for her. We sat on the hood of my car for a little while and smoked in silence. I guess it felt kind of awkward. She confused the hell out of me. I didn’t know what I should say to her. What did she want to hear? Why was she even there with me? Didn’t she have something better to do? With her I always felt like there was something better than me, which is something I ended up applying to everyone in my life.

“This place is a shithole,” she quipped after awhile, admiring the grimy, streaked windows. “It’s straight out of the 1970’s glory days; it doesn’t look like it’s been updated since then. Let me guess: your boss is some old creep with a moustache who probably jerks off to Asian porn, right?”

I pulled on my smoke and thought about it before exhaling and tasting the nicotine on my tongue.

“Actually yeah, that’s pretty accurate.”

She chuckled and shook her head. “Why do you work here?”

“Because they hired me,” I answered. “Look at me. Name me any other place in this stupid town that would give me a second look.”

She gave me a once-over and stuck her cigarette back in her mouth. Obviously I was right; there was no arguing it. I was a mess of a kid. The only reason Marty hired me was because he’d been short-staffed and he’d would’ve taken anything he could get.

“Did you wanna hang out tonight?” she asked. “My dad’s been a dick all day. I kind of want to do something he wouldn’t want me to.”

I was about to say yes. Really, it was right on the tip of my tongue. But then I remembered that I’d already agreed to hang out with Tad and if I ditched on him I’d probably feel bad. I felt bad ditching Emmie, too, but at least with Tad I understood why we were hanging out in the first place.

“I can’t,” I said. “I’ve got plans.”

She scoffed. “With firecracker in there?”

“No.”

“Okay. Your loss, I guess.”

“What are you gonna do instead?”

She shrugged. “A lot of blow, probably.”

“Okay.”

She tossed her cigarette on the gravel and stomped it out. I was feeling shitty again. She made me feel shitty and I’m not even sure how. She was kind of like poison. No, she was more like drugs; like meth. She was absolutely terrible for me, but no matter how much she destroyed me I still wanted more. I craved her. With every part of me she blackened, there came another part of me that begged for more. It was fucking pathetic and if I had any common sense I’d kick the habit, but I think I was in too deep.

“I should go.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “Well hey, are you gonna be at the Wolf’s Den tonight?”

She shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Let me know. Call me or something, hey? If I’m free soon enough I’ll come hang out with you.”

She just nodded. “See ya, Max.”

I felt kind of bad. She made me feel bad. She wasn’t putting on the pouty face or anything; she just seemed so lonely walking away all by herself. I was supposed to be the lonely one, not her.

“Hey,” I called out.

She stopped a few feet away and turned to look at me.

“I’m sorry.” I said.

She gave me a small smile and walked back over, embracing me in a hug. She kissed my cheek and I could feel it in my bones. I have no clue what that meant, but it thrilled me. If an addict could kiss heroin personified, I think that’s what it’d feel like.

“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m not going to make you my crutch.”

I had no idea if that was a good thing or a bad thing, honestly. So I just mumbled “okay” and let her go. It felt weird once she’d gone. I was so confused and I felt stupid for it. She didn’t make any sense. I didn’t do well around people who didn’t make any sense. They messed me up real bad, every damn time.



“Mandy was just a stone cold bitch to her. I don’t even know why! Part of me didn’t want to intervene, you know, at the possibility of a chick fight. But I was the better man.”

I took a gulp of my beer as my legs dangled between the metal spires of my balcony railing. Tad and I were sitting there, admiring the fading view and sharing a joint and some alcohol. He’d asked about Emmie coming into work earlier, since he’d only just heard about it from Mandy because he’d been cleaning bathrooms at the time.

“Well I think Mandy’s heard about this Emmie before, and it’s never been good things.” Tad argued politely.

“Yeah and that’s people’s problem,” I exclaimed. “You all just assume shit without really know the details. It’s like when you sign up for an account on a porn site and the terms and conditions pop up. They ask you to read them and you check a box declaring whether you agree or not, but does anyone actually read them? No. And then, some time down the road, you’re getting your account deleted because you violated those terms and conditions you never actually read in the first place. Assuming shit will get you no where.”

Tad coughed out a laugh while he dug for his smokes in his pocket. I tilted my foggy head to look at him.

“What are you talking about, man?” he asked.

I shrugged and held the tip of my beer bottle to my lips. “No clue; I’m just talking.”

“Clearly,” Tad mumbled around the butt of a cigarette.

I thought about what my sister Steph had told me over the phone last night. You get very talkative when you’re drunk. When I got slammed that was about the only time I really had much to say. Call it verbal diarrhoea if you want but what did I care? I was drunk.

I tipped the bottle up and took another generous swig of the fizzy golden liquid. To be honest, I’m not really sure how I felt about beer. I think it tasted a lot different than I expected it to. I still drank it because it was cheap and you could buy it in a pack of 24 and there were tons of different kinds, but I still felt a little bit of disappointment every time I took that first sip. Sometimes I think I was a real girly wuss that should be drinking wine coolers or something lame like that, I really did. I had some damn feminine taste buds, truth be told.

I was about to mention that to Tad but he spoke before me.

“So what do you want, Maxi-Boy?” he asked.

I looked at him and watched the smoke slip from his nostrils out into the cool night air. He was a pretty good kid. He was smart, too. I never understood why he didn’t leave this stupid town and go to Harvard or U of T at the least and get a degree in medicine or become a lawyer or something, but I think deep down I knew the answer. He was afraid. He was a big, muscled-up guy, but he’d been treated like he was less than a dirty pig his whole life for being gay, even by his parents. He was scared he wouldn’t make it in any sort of noted profession because of his sexuality. I guess that’s what living in a piss-poor little town will do to a good man.

“Another beer,” I said, shaking the empty bottle in my hand. I put out the joint and stashed the roach in my pocket to save for later before reaching for another bottle.

“You know what I mean,” Tad said. “Who do you want?”

“Hell if I know,” I sighed. “Some days I want her, some days I want no one. Actually, I think I want no one until I see her, and then I realize, fuck. I’m absolutely screwed. Look at her. She’s drop dead gorgeous and I…I think I hate her guts.”

“Aw, how romantic,” Tad scoffed. “Sounds like you have not a fucking clue about how you feel.”

“Of course I don’t!” I exclaimed. “I’m not in-touch with my feelings. I’m a detached drifter, you know.”

“Right, you’re a real ghost in this world, Maxi-Boy,” He shook his head. “I think your problem is that you’re so indecisive. You don’t know what or who you want, ever. Plus, you just don’t care about much. That’s obvious.”

I shrugged. “I prefer it that way. What’s the use in caring about stuff? You always end up hurt anyways; I learned that early on.”

“I think that’s what you’re looking for, though,” Tad nodded thoughtfully. “You just want somebody who’ll really care about you. You judge people based on how much they care. You’ve never really had someone who actually cared, have you? That’s what you want.”

I didn’t say anything to that, mostly because there was nothing I could say that wouldn’t make me sound like an idiot. He was right and I knew it deep down. I just wanted someone who truly cared and invested their worries in me. It makes me sound like a selfish piece of shit and you know, I think I am. I don’t let it bother me. It’s just hard finding someone who cares in a world like this. The only living thing that cares about me so much is Sid and sometimes he finds his own ass more important. I mean I could understand that; he’s a dog.

“Ah,” Tad sighed, flicking his cigarette between the spires. “That got too serious too quick.”

“I agree,” I nodded. “Cut that shit out.”

“Well hey, I could’ve just questioned your sexuality again instead of being serious about it.”

“Maybe that’s the answer, huh? Maybe I’m just a flaming homosexual.”

“How do you know you’re not?”

“I’m not sure how I’d go about testing that shit out, and—”

Without warning, the little fucker jumped forwards and planted a kiss right on my mouth. My eyes got real wide and I got all tense but he just held his lips there for a bit before releasing them with an exaggerated smacking noise and grinning at me like a wolf. I wiped my mouth on the back of my arm and shook my head at him.

“You motherfucker…” I grumbled.

“Well? You got a hard-on or what?” he asked.

“No I sure as hell don’t.”

“Then you’re not gay, are ya?” he said with a self-righteous smile. “You’re welcome.”

“You’re fucking nuts, you know that?” I asked, taking another drink from my beer. “You’re absolutely mental. They should really lock you up somewhere, you know.”

“I live for the thrill, Maxi-Boy,” he said. God I wanted to smack that dopey smile right off his face, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

“I’ll show you a thrill right upside the head,” I joked.

“Empty threats, Maxwell,” Tad murmured. “Anyway, since we’ve determined you’re not gay and that you don’t care about much but you need someone else to; do you wanna smoke a bowl or somethin’?”

I had to breathe in a sigh of relief at that. That’s what I liked about hanging out with other guys. We could talk about our shit in a few minutes and get it out there and that was it; that was all we needed to do. We didn’t need to go into a critical analysis of events or anything. We could talk it out over a few beers or more and then leave it behind for something else. It was kind of awesome because even though Tad was gay and there were all these stereotypes about gay guys being super feminine, he really wasn’t that girly. Sure, he could probably buy some really fashionable outfits at the mall for a good price and be proud of it, but he could also drink beers and play sports or something, too. I think that was the main thing a lot of people got wrong about Tad. Hell, if you didn’t know he was gay before meeting him, you never would until you saw him in some guy’s lap. Even though he did just kiss me, he was still a pretty cool guy. I wish more people gave him the chance.

“You’re packin’ first,” I said, pulling my scrawny legs back through the spires and standing up.

I stretched my arms in the air and leaned backwards a tiny bit until my back cracked. My shirt lifted up just a tiny bit and Tad smacked my belly as he walked past me into the apartment.

“Whatever, man. It’s your dope.” He said.

“Hey, hey, hey,” I lectured, joining him inside. “Don’t get any slick ideas, kid. I ain’t your side-bitch.”

“Nah, you’re my main man.” He grinned at me.

“That’s right,” I nodded, sitting down by Tad’s feet and leaning my back against the coffee table.

I watched him grind up the weed and carefully place it in the bowl. We didn’t talk; we were both focused on our own thoughts and processes. I was thinking about how good of a guy Tad was. He was so easy to talk to, you know? I think it’s healthy to have a friend like that. Even if you don’t hang out one-on-one that much with them, you can still tell them everything that’s on your mind when it counts and they’ll listen. I valued him, I guess. He had people that were more important to him, obviously; friends he was closer to than me. I didn’t wanna be selfish with the guy or anything. I cared about him, though. I’d stick by him if shit ever got too rough in his life. And, even though I wasn’t gay, if I was, I’d probably wish I could have a guy like Tad. That sounds real fucked up. If he knew I thought like that he’d never let me live it down. When I thought it his lips twitched into a really fast smirk and it freaked me out because I thought maybe he could hear what I was thinking. Well, that scared the piss out of me, so I made a pact that instant to never think like that again.

For the rest of the night we just drank beers and smoked pot and did little else of importance. For the first time in awhile I didn’t feel so pathetically lonely, either. I didn’t even think about Emmie, possibly sitting alone at the Wolf’s Den wondering if I’d show up or not. Maybe I should’ve felt bad about that, but I didn’t. I guess I didn’t because I knew she wouldn’t be there waiting for me. She wouldn’t even be worrying about it. So why should I?