Brilliant Lies

After the conversation with Josh I walked down to the only place I knew I could be with someone, who would actually give me some advice with the whole situation. It's not normal for me to wear my make up so dark especially since I joined Motionless back in 09'. My eyeliner was smudged with charcoal eyeshadow that made my skin complexion paler than I actually was. I wore my long-sleeved fishnet shirt along with my small black zipper vest over the top and skinny Tripp jeans. I surely didn't look like myself, but that's only because I wasn't feeling like myself I felt empty, bitter, and cold which I have the asshole that drove a steak through my heart to blame. I stubbed my cigarette out flicking it into the busy street and opened the door to Bar Sinister, glancing around the place I saw a blur of unrecognizable faces before seeing Juliet in the far corner with Andy's arm around her waist. Making my way towards the two I heard someone whisper "that's the whore Tj was talking about," I gritted my teeth to restrain from turning around and punching whoever said that in the face. Juliet turned her head after I got to their table and her eyes went wide while her mouth dropped open and before she could say anything Andy chuckled.

"That asshole really did a number didn't he."

I nodded, "so have you heard anything about me lately?" I asked sitting down next to Juliet after they scooted over to make some room for my slim figure.

"I actually heard Tj talking shit about you to Craig the other day, I overheard their conversation when I went into the studio for a recording session and apparently ETF was finishing up theirs," she turned slightly to look at me.

I raised my brow as she leaned into me holding her hand up so I could only hear her, "he told everyone he was friends with that you were a whore."

That honestly didnt surprise me, I did take Mike from him but that's only because I loved him since the first night he talked to me and we almost had sex.

"That wouldn't surprise me," I replied as she pulled back shaking her head.

"It's not something to be used to Rick, you're not a whore just someone who simply fell in love, had a really intimate relationship with the guy and he left you."

I felt my eyebrows furrow in confusion, "yeah but I've also fallen for a couple other guys too in which I had sexual relations with them."

She sighed, "that doesn't make you a whore."

I put my elbow on the table and leaned against my hand sighing, I knew she was right but after hearing it a year after I started in Motionless its been hard to push off my shoulders. Tj was even in Motionless when I joined too, he was more of a man whore than any of us, and of course I had an ongoing relationship with a girl then named Jessica. I was also experimenting with guys at the same time too because I was bi-curious and naive. Jessica found out about it anyways especially when Ronnie called our land line and she picked up, god he was such an idiot but after she found out she left and I was alone with Ronnie.

Later I found out he was an abusive prick that only wanted money so after ripping my innocence out of my life for a few years I met Balz, through Motionless of course even though he hated me the first month of being in the band. It's all thanks to Chris though, because he was the one who found me at the club Ronnie used to run. I did have sex with Chris but only because he was a sweet caring guy and I was being used by disgusting perverted guys that payed almost three hundred just to watch me strip. Guess that's where I got the title whore from, because I worked at a strip club. It's not like I wanted to work there but I could hardly support myself and Ronnie's club was the only reason I had a roof over my head, clothes, and food I wasn't going back to my parents house with my older brother. Ronnie saved me in a sense which I would be forever grateful for but he used me in ways I didn't know a human could be used.

Juliet snapped me out of my endless train of thoughts by handing me a bottle of Smirnoff. I gave her a confused look and she smiled sweetly so I half smiled back.

"What's this for?" I asked raising my brow.

"It's a little something to help you forget about that asshole for tonight and to have some fun with us," she replied with a wide smile.

"Oh, um, thanks," I don't think she realizes what happens to me when I'm drunk.

I took small drinks before finishing the bottle off with a couple chugs, the bland liquid washed the taste of cigarettes down my throat and my head was getting a little hazy. I guess that's why people say you shouldn't chug alcohol. She bought me another and I did the same, feeling my rational thoughts disperse inside my head.

I looked around seeing a wide range of people drinking and having a good time, in which I desperately wanted. Juliet handed me another, I gulped it down actually coming to love the cold feeling it left in my mouth and before I knew it I downed around six to seven bottles. I held my head feeling a thin layer of sweat build with each movement and to my surprise I made it outside. My back was now pressed against the side of the building, my head was spinning while my eyesight blurred every now and then. I slid the leather coat Andy let me borrow on and grabbed a cigarette from the pack in the pocket, lighting it up. I took a couple drags before feeling a lot more dizzier so I dropped the half smoked cigarette onto the ground and crushed it.

I slowly made my way back to my house stumbling onto the porch and sat there for a couple minutes. I pulled my phone from my back pocket and stared at the message that was received almost four hours ago from Josh. I pushed it off and slid the piece of technology back into my pocket and stood up slowly turning to unlock my door, but realized I forgot my keys inside. I cursed loudly looking at all the front windows to see if I left any unlocked then decided to go around back.

After falling off the fence and stumbling into the basement window I let myself in closing the widow behind myself. I walked upstairs to my living room turning on the light and sat down on the couch. My head was spinning and my limbs ached from walking so far while intoxicated, I picked up the remote flicking the tv on along with the cable box. I watched a couple episodes of dexter then turned off the tv and left the cable box on just in case I decided to watch something later.

I stumbled my way down the hallway to my room, leaving the light off as I stripped down into my briefs and crawled into bed. I checked Facebook, replied to Josh with a simple, "I'm fine," and deleted my missed calls. I plugged my phone in setting it down on the nightstand and rolled onto my back staring at the dark purple ceiling, I kept thinking about the text Josh sent me about him having a crush on me. I have a crush on him too, but I just got out of a relationship with Mike which really flipped my world upside down. Finally drifting off to sleep I cuddled a pillow, secretly wishing it was Josh.