All My Heart

2nd April 2013
Weybridge, Surrey

There hasn't been many times when Aria has felt fear. Legitimate fear, where her skin's crawling and there is goosebumps on her skin because she's just so scared about whatever it is she's afraid of.

She's felt extreme nervousness – the one where your hands and legs can't keep still because you're just so nervous about the thing that it's almost on the brink of terrifying.

But this... This is fear and it's different. And she shouldn't be afraid because this is James and she's supposed to feel safe around James because he's her boyfriend but she doesn't, and she's terrified and she doesn't know what to do.

The bloke is drunk. He's pissed drunk. His breath reeks of alcohol and his eyes are almost red – so he's not just drunk. He's drunk and high and Aria wants to scream and cry out but she can't because James has got his hand wrapped around her throat and she can't fucking breathe.

"You fucking slag," James spat out, his grip around her neck tightening.

Aria squirmed around, hands going to the hand that's around her throat. She can't breathe. He was cutting off her air supply and if she didn't get his fingers away from her goddamn throat within the next moments, she might damn well pass out and lord knows what would happen if she passed out. She shouldn't be thinking these things but she knows damn well what he's going to do if she passed out. He's a fucking dickhead and Dan was right. Dan was right about her, and Aria should've listened but she didn't and now everything's fucking up.

And it's all on her. It's all on her.

"James..." Aria croaked out.

"What?" He laughed mercilessly. "What is it, you slag? No one's here to fucking save you, you bitch. It's just you and me. You don't fucking understand the concept of a relationship, yeah? It's two people, not fuckin' you an' your so-called best friend that you're fucking behind my back," he spat – literally spat and there's saliva splattering all over her face that's got her wincing back.

Aria has got to fight to get air into her lungs now. James was practically holding her up just by her throat and she's sure that she's going to pass out soon enough. So she raises a knee, stretching out her leg and kicking him straight in the groin when she's got the chance. James let out a yelp of pain, releasing the grip around her throat and then he's doubling over in pain, rolling on the ground.

Aria coughed, trying to catch her breath, and she knows she has to go before he regains his bearings and comes after her again. But all she can do is stare at him on the floor because this is James and he's just fucking attacked her. She couldn't comprehend it.

"You bitch!" James hissed out, slowly getting to his feet.

And that's when Aria regained control of her body, shaking her head and kicking him once more where it hurt the most, leaving him groaning yet again. She ran out of the house then, arms wrapped around her body as she got as far away as possible before she stopped to call for help or whatever.

She ended up going straight back home, straight to the bathroom. She felt dirty. Disgusting. Used.

There was only one person she needed. Only one person who she'd ever need.

"Dan.." she mouthed. She meant to say his name, ask him to come over and hold her. But she couldn't get the words out. Dan started going on a rant about how mad he was because she hadn't called him and it's late and other things, but Aria can't hear anything that he's saying because she's just looking at her body. Bruises litter her body and she feels so worthless.

"I need you, Dan. Please," she begged, her voice shaky and soft and that's all it takes for the older to order her to not move while he makes his way over.

All Aria ever really needed was Dan to feel safe. Dan is her safety, and that's all she'll ever need. She knows that now. As he's holding her in his arms, on the floor of her bathroom, he's crying and she's crying and he's kissing the worst of the bruises, she knows that now. Dan is all Aria will ever need. Dan is home. Dan is safety. Dan is... Dan is Aria's everything.

***

11th May 2013
San Diego, CA

Aria woke up in a cold sweat, sitting up as best as she could whilst in the bunk in the tour bus. Her chest heaved up and down at a rapid pace and she can feel the back of the t-shirt sticking to her skin because of the sweat that's accumulated through her nightmare. Her ears are ringing and her eyes are blurry with leftover tears and she's shaking – God, she's shaking so much – because the dream was so real and then she realised that it was real and it wasn't a dream because it was a memory and she's shaking even more.

"Hey," a quiet voice spoke up, and then there's the feel of a hand on the small of her back that has her jumping slightly and instantly shying away from the hand.

Dan sat up (also as best as he could), eyebrows furrowed with concern as he looks over the younger. "Hey, hey," he cooed quietly, bringing an arm around her waist and pulling her into his bare chest. "Hey, you're alright, you're alright, I promise," he mumbled softly into her ear. "S'just a bad dream, yeah? You're alright, love, I promise. You're alright."

Aria shook her head, "Am not," she mumbled quietly into his skin.

And Dan heard it, but he chose to ignore it because knowing that she's not okay and there's nothing he could do to make her okay again, that's what fucks him up. He hates it when he can't do anything to help her because then she'll just have to stay sad and she doesn't deserve to be sad. So Dan just held her in his arms tighter, kissing the top of her head.

"What happened?" Dan asked quietly into her ear, still cradling her close to his chest.

Aria shook her head again, "M'scared," she mumbled again. "M'scared."

"Of what?" Dan's voice wasn't any higher than a whisper, as though he was afraid that she'd get more terrified if he spoke any louder.

"Everything," Aria breathed out, burying her face in Dan's collarbone. "James is going to find me and then he's going to do things to me and – "

"No, no, shh, no," Dan cut her off, shaking his head and clutching her even closer to him than ever before. "That fuckwit isn't going to come anywhere near you, I swear to God. I'll protect you, I swear to God I'll protect you. For fuck's sake, if I ever see that prick, I'm going to make him wish he was never born, okay? I'll protect you, yeah? I love you, Ari, I love you so much and I'm not letting that dickbag anywhere near you."

---

"You sure you don't wanna come?" Dan asked again for what seemed like the hundredth time as Aria lay on her back in the bunk, eyes focused on her mobile.

"I've seen you guys do sound-check plenty of times before, love. M'just tired today, is all. I'll see you after sound-check," Aria smiled and Dan's eyebrows knot together at the sight of it. He's known her for years. He knows what she looks like when she's forcing a smile, and she's forcing one right now.

She's just tired, he tells himself.

"I'll come back after sound-check and we'll cuddle, yeah?"

Aria breathed a laugh, leaning forward to pull his bottom lip between both of hers, "Sounds great."

---

"Ari, come on, the lads are going to go grab a bite to eat," Dan called out as he stepped back into the bus. The others were waiting for Dan to get Aria in the arena, so that they could go and eat at In-N-Out since they didn't have that back home and they might as well eat as much unhealthy American food till before the tour ended in a couple of days.

"I know I said we'll cuddle but it's greasy American food, so come on,"

Dan's brows furrowed together as he stepped into the bunk area, realising that Aria wasn't in there. "Ari?" He called out again. "Where are you, you little knob head?" He playfully called with a laugh.

There still wasn't any response and the smile slips off of his face. His frown deepened on his handsome face as he walked to the back lounge next. "Ari? Seriously, where are you?"

Still no response.

Dan goes into the back lounge, and she isn't in there. But something doesn't feel right. Doesn't feel right at all, because it's like there's something missing and he doesn't know what. He goes to his – their – bunk, and he swears his heart stops when he realises that the rucksack she brought and usually kept in the bunk wasn't in there. In the middle of the bunk, there's a piece of paper. It's a piece of plain white paper, folded up into a square, with Dan's name written on the front and his heart is probably hammering in his chest way too fast for his body to handle.

He takes in a deep breath, slowly sitting himself down on the edge of the bunk and opening the letter.

-

i'm sorry, dan. i'm so sorry.

the thing is... i love you. i really do fucking love you. you are the love of my life and i don't want you to ever doubt that. i am so fucking in love with you and i always have been in love with you, i just never wanted to admit to it, because you're my best mate and i didn't want to lose you over something like that. thank fuck you feel the same way because i'd probably never know what to do with myself if i left without ever telling you that i'm in love with you, or like, ever finding out that you're in love with me, too.

but as i write this, you're currently at sound-check with the rest of the lads. as i write this, i am crying and hoping that you don't mess up tonight's and tomorrow night's show because of stupid and insignificant little me. i need you to understand, yeah? i need you to understand that i haven't left to spite you. i haven't left because i want to.

i've left because i have to. i love you i love you i love you.

but i don't love myself. and i cannot love you any more than i already do because i cannot love myself. i cannot love you the way you deserve to be loved because i do not love myself.

and i depend on you too much. it's not healthy. it's not right. i need to learn to stand on my own two feet again. i need to love myself, and learn how to be by myself.

i hope you don't hate me. i hope you move on, but i hope you don't forget me. my heart is yours, daniel flint. my heart will always be yours, and i know that i've got your heart right now, too, but i'm giving that back to you. i'm giving that back to you so that you can move on and find a girl that you can properly love because she can love herself and love you the way you deserved to be love. you are a wonderful, wonderful man, and i am so in love with you.

maybe one day we'll meet again. maybe one day, there'll come a time when we run into each other and we can try again, if you haven't fallen in love with anyone else. i won't fall in love with anyone else, because my heart is yours, and it forever will be yours.

but for now: you are my best friend. you are the love of my life. i love you.

goodbye.

-

And Dan swore in that moment that he would never be able to breathe properly again.