Status: I'll update as much as possible
Tainted Love
--21
I had the feeling that someone was watching me. Shane said I was being paranoid, that it was probably just because I was in a new place, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. Like someone was just behind me, someone was waiting for me to make a wrong move, so they could swoop in. I was probably just being paranoid, like Shane had said, but there was just something about this feeling that was telling me I was right. I wanted to buy a gun, but I didn’t know how to use one, I wouldn’t want to accidentally kill myself with it.
I just wanted whatever was following me to stop. I wanted my days to go back to normal; I wanted everything to go back to how it was before, before I moved into Matt’s house. I could just be sitting back in my apartment, waiting for Shane to get off work, doing my school work, getting ready for a baby all on my own. I just wanted everything to go back to how it was, but that was never going to happen. I was going to just have to deal with everything as it was, and have to make my life great right now.
I walked into work, a Starbuck’s barista wasn’t the most amazing job, but it was something. I didn’t have a lot of choices, and they let me take a few extra breaks a day when my feet swelled up. I kind of enjoyed it too, I got to meet people, and cute guys did come in, but I wasn’t really interested in dating anyone at the moment. I couldn’t imagine dating anyone.
I’m not going to lie though; I had given some thought to dating Shane. He’s been there for me the longest, he is my best friend, and I know that he would always be there for Button and I. I wouldn’t even have to ask for help, and he’d be there. Neither of us had really dated since we met one another, Matt was pretty much my only relationship, my whole life. Which made me feel even worse about myself, my only relationship was with my rapist. How sad was that?
Shane had one girlfriend when we first became friends, and she hated me, after that he hadn’t really dated much. He said that no other girl would ever understand our relationship, and no girl would ever replace me. In fact, his drunken words were “No other bitch matters except for you, your my favorite girl, never leave me.” I had just laughed at him that night, but I knew he meant it. That was the only time we had ever kissed too, but that was all a drunken mistake as well. We had never talked about it after that, he had just walked home from my parent’s house, and I had just sat there, wondering what it all meant.
I hadn’t given much thought to it all then, but I was thinking about it a lot now. I had a crush on Shane when we were younger, I couldn’t help it, he’s gorgeous, short dark hair, big green eyes, a cute smile, nice body, and he’s goofy, and good to me. That was something, right? I just wasn’t sure if it was something I could build a relationship off of. I wasn’t even sure how I’d bring this all up. Hey do you want to be my boyfriend, just didn’t sound right. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to him, but I wanted to know if maybe he’d be there. I knew he would always be there for me as a friend, but lately, I wanted differently. Before I found out the truth about Matt, I had loved being in a relationship with him. He was an amazing man, he still is, but he’s done some unforgiveable things. He did treat me like a princess, and make me feel beautiful and amazing constantly. He would have been an amazing father to Button, if only he wasn’t the biological father. I would’ve loved for the result to come back as negative, Matt wasn’t the father, I would’ve gone to therapy, and tried to get over the thoughts and dreams, and I would’ve had a good life in California. He would’ve made a great father, I could just imagine having a little boy, and Matt teaching him how to play guitar, Jimmy would teach him to be a little drummer, Zack and Brian would take him surfing, and Zack would teach him how to play guitar, and Johnny would teach him how to prank everyone. If I had a little girl, she’d have the most protective father and uncles all around, she would be well taken care of, and probably quite the tom boy. I knew that Button would have a better life with Matt and I both.
I just wasn’t sure if I was willing to ever forgive him. I had told Button already that I would protect him or her from Daddy, at all costs. Sometimes it just seemed easier to go back to Matt, and have everything I needed to take care of Button.
Or, I could stay here with Shane, raise Button on my own, with a little bit of his help. Make sure that I gave Button as much as I could. I wanted to make sure that this baby would have a good life. I just wasn’t sure how long I could go on. I just wanted everything to go smoothly, and lately life seemed rough.
I looked out the front of the building, as I went to clear off a table. A car I had seen a few times around my neighborhood was out front. The windows were tinted black, so I couldn’t see anyone in there; I knew I had seen that car parked two houses down from mine though. I knew that there was someone watching me. Shane was wrong, I wasn’t being paranoid, there was someone watching me. I was going to call the cops tonight if that car showed up outside of my house. I wasn’t dealing with this anymore. I was sure this had something to do with Matt, and I wasn’t thinking about going back to him anymore. I knew that there was something going on here. If he came after me, without it being my decision, I would make sure he suffered. He would never touch my baby, without my permission.
I just wanted whatever was following me to stop. I wanted my days to go back to normal; I wanted everything to go back to how it was before, before I moved into Matt’s house. I could just be sitting back in my apartment, waiting for Shane to get off work, doing my school work, getting ready for a baby all on my own. I just wanted everything to go back to how it was, but that was never going to happen. I was going to just have to deal with everything as it was, and have to make my life great right now.
I walked into work, a Starbuck’s barista wasn’t the most amazing job, but it was something. I didn’t have a lot of choices, and they let me take a few extra breaks a day when my feet swelled up. I kind of enjoyed it too, I got to meet people, and cute guys did come in, but I wasn’t really interested in dating anyone at the moment. I couldn’t imagine dating anyone.
I’m not going to lie though; I had given some thought to dating Shane. He’s been there for me the longest, he is my best friend, and I know that he would always be there for Button and I. I wouldn’t even have to ask for help, and he’d be there. Neither of us had really dated since we met one another, Matt was pretty much my only relationship, my whole life. Which made me feel even worse about myself, my only relationship was with my rapist. How sad was that?
Shane had one girlfriend when we first became friends, and she hated me, after that he hadn’t really dated much. He said that no other girl would ever understand our relationship, and no girl would ever replace me. In fact, his drunken words were “No other bitch matters except for you, your my favorite girl, never leave me.” I had just laughed at him that night, but I knew he meant it. That was the only time we had ever kissed too, but that was all a drunken mistake as well. We had never talked about it after that, he had just walked home from my parent’s house, and I had just sat there, wondering what it all meant.
I hadn’t given much thought to it all then, but I was thinking about it a lot now. I had a crush on Shane when we were younger, I couldn’t help it, he’s gorgeous, short dark hair, big green eyes, a cute smile, nice body, and he’s goofy, and good to me. That was something, right? I just wasn’t sure if it was something I could build a relationship off of. I wasn’t even sure how I’d bring this all up. Hey do you want to be my boyfriend, just didn’t sound right. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to him, but I wanted to know if maybe he’d be there. I knew he would always be there for me as a friend, but lately, I wanted differently. Before I found out the truth about Matt, I had loved being in a relationship with him. He was an amazing man, he still is, but he’s done some unforgiveable things. He did treat me like a princess, and make me feel beautiful and amazing constantly. He would have been an amazing father to Button, if only he wasn’t the biological father. I would’ve loved for the result to come back as negative, Matt wasn’t the father, I would’ve gone to therapy, and tried to get over the thoughts and dreams, and I would’ve had a good life in California. He would’ve made a great father, I could just imagine having a little boy, and Matt teaching him how to play guitar, Jimmy would teach him to be a little drummer, Zack and Brian would take him surfing, and Zack would teach him how to play guitar, and Johnny would teach him how to prank everyone. If I had a little girl, she’d have the most protective father and uncles all around, she would be well taken care of, and probably quite the tom boy. I knew that Button would have a better life with Matt and I both.
I just wasn’t sure if I was willing to ever forgive him. I had told Button already that I would protect him or her from Daddy, at all costs. Sometimes it just seemed easier to go back to Matt, and have everything I needed to take care of Button.
Or, I could stay here with Shane, raise Button on my own, with a little bit of his help. Make sure that I gave Button as much as I could. I wanted to make sure that this baby would have a good life. I just wasn’t sure how long I could go on. I just wanted everything to go smoothly, and lately life seemed rough.
I looked out the front of the building, as I went to clear off a table. A car I had seen a few times around my neighborhood was out front. The windows were tinted black, so I couldn’t see anyone in there; I knew I had seen that car parked two houses down from mine though. I knew that there was someone watching me. Shane was wrong, I wasn’t being paranoid, there was someone watching me. I was going to call the cops tonight if that car showed up outside of my house. I wasn’t dealing with this anymore. I was sure this had something to do with Matt, and I wasn’t thinking about going back to him anymore. I knew that there was something going on here. If he came after me, without it being my decision, I would make sure he suffered. He would never touch my baby, without my permission.