This Is How I Disappear

Knock, knock. I felt my heart race as footsteps sounded from the other side. I felt like turning and running away, but I made a promise. The door opened, and I came face to face with Mrs. Way. She smiled faintly at me. I half-smiled and we stood in an awkward silence.

“Which one are you here to see?” She asked finally.

“Gerard,” I said softly. A glimmer of hope flashed through her eyes.

“Well, he’s not here right now. He went down to the store, but you’re more than welcome to come in and wait,” she invited, opening the door so I could come inside. I nodded, stepping into the familiar surroundings. She was baking something, maybe something with cinnamon. She closed the door behind us. “You can go to his room and wait for him if you’d like.” I nodded, and made my way down the oh-so familiar hallway. I pushed open his door, stepped inside, and shut it behind me. It never failed to amaze me how clean his room was, compared to Mikey’s. I sat on his bed, prepared to wait for a bit. The drawer was sticking out, something blocking the way of its closing. I pulled open the drawer, and saw the small leather bound book. I pulled it out of the drawer, and began scanning the pages. I came across one marked a week ago.

Two months ago today, she came into my life. And to think, it all started with Mikey. I need to get my shit together. She has changed me. I have never felt more alive. I felt so happy. I found a reason to want to live. I found a reason to get better. And that reason is her.
I felt myself smile. I hear shuffling outside of the door. I quickly placed the book back into the drawer, shutting it as though it was never opened. The knob turned, and Gerard stepped inside the room. He looked at me and froze. He seemed to be searching for something to say, but he seemed at a loss.

“Hey, Gerard…”I said softly. He walks over and sits on the edge of the bed.

“I am so sorry…”He said quietly. I nodded. I had no doubt that he was sorry.

“I know… This is just something we have to work through. I have no idea how to do this, but I’m not giving up on you… I just needed some time to think…” I explained as I had rehearsed a million and one times. In all honesty, I think I was just trying to help Mikey. I felt crushed by the idea of him hurting himself. He’d been my best friend for years. He was everything to me.

“I’m glad you didn’t give up on me… I need you, Taylor…”He whispered as he laid his head in my lap. I ran my hand through his hair, nodding because I knew it was true. We remained in this position, me leaning back against the headboard with his head in my lap, for the longest time. I had no idea what thoughts were going through his head, but my mind was going a million miles an hour. I thought about how Mikey could get better now with less stress from Gerard. I thought about how I was doing something good. Then, I thought of Frankie. He made me happy without expecting something in return. He was always there when I needed him. What to do, what to do…