Fighting Feelings

Finally I am home from the last bit of my tour, I have been so excited because I can finally relax and plan for the future. As much as I loved touring but I know that it was right for me to put on a brave face and pretend to be this strong, Confident woman when truly on the inside I was dying from insecurities. It was hard finishing the last date tours, I started not to eat or treat my body well because I thought I was fat.
So right now I am lying on the lounge while the boys are at school thinking about what I was going to do on my break. I only had a few more months until the new year and I wanted to do so much within that time, I wanted to start work on my new album, I promised Fifty I would help him with his album, I also want to try cooking more o we don’t have as much takeaway for dinner but I know the most important thing I want to do on this break is work on myself, work on my insecurities and confidence, that was the only way to get my self esteem back.

The days of relaxing really didn't last long, I can't sit at home and do anything I always seem to be working on something to do with my career. So I thought I would take the opportunity to go to new York so I can start helping Fifty on his album. I just dropped my kids of at their dads for their week with him, his promised Kane he would him with his basketball so I knew he was happy and they wouldn't miss me that much.

“ so do you like the chorus or you want to keep working on it” I asked Fifty as I stared at him in the booth, we had been in here for like 2 or 3 hours trying to work out this one chorus. We just couldn't get the right words to describe hos feelings. Fifty was a perfectionist so it really need to be right but I Don't mind how much time we spend in here because being in the studio was fun with fifty.

“ I don't know I think it could be better” he mumbled scratching the back of his head trying to figure out what to do with it. He was looking at his phone so in an instant he got distracted. I have a phone but I don’t get distracted and caught up on like Facebook and twitter.

We sat for the next hour trying to figure out new words but after that we both just got caught up in mucking round, when we both get bored we start acting like children, so instead of eating his salted peanuts he was sitting beside me throwing them at my head.
“ Fifty. Stop” I giggled trying to get out of the target zone but all Fifty did was laugh and continue to hit my head.
“oh by the way, Some friends are coming by soon, just to say hello” he said making me looking up at him, right now I wasn't good with meeting new people, I always seem quiet and not interested in them but it is just because I am shy and I am not sure what their real motives are.
“ why didn't you tell me before” I said digging through my bag trying to find some make-up to cover on my imperfections.
“Ash, you look beautiful” he commented but he knew I wasn't listening, as much as people tell me I look stunning and perfect I never listened to them, because the demons inside overtake their opinions.
Before I could even look at myself in the mirror, there was a soft knock at the door. Fifty walked over and opened it and greeted all these tall men, majority of them were black and looked a lot like fifty in some way, all wore baseball caps and loose clothing. They walked in and when they saw me all looked surprised to see me sitting there, there was only three men but even three made me a little uncomfortable.
“ Guys this is Ashley. Ashley this Paul, Royce and Mr Porter” he said pointing to the three me that stood in front of me looking surprised.
“ nice to meet you” I said getting up from my chair to shake their hands. They again were shocked.
“ Fifty when you said you were working in the studio with a friend, I didn't think you meant working with one of the most talented and stunning females in the music industry” Royce said looking back towards fifty who was currently saying hello to another guy that walked in. I couldn't help but blush and think how untrue his words are and that he was just being nice.
“ I don’t know if you guys have met before but Ashley this is...” fifty said but I cut him of when I saw who he was talking too.
“WOW Eminem!!!my Sons are huge fans of yours” I said extending my hand for him to shake, I totally forgot that fifty was signed to Eminem because no one has seen him in so long.
“ and your Ashley Ann. My daughters listen to your music constantly. But seriously call me Marshall” he said making me laugh while we shook hands. I couldn't help stare at his big eyes that were staring straight back at me, they were piecing a hole through me face, they were strong.
His face didn't really show any emotion but for some reason I could tell he was also surprised to see me.
“ you guys have met before remember?” Paul said making me turn towards him, it took me seconds for me to realise that I had met him before.
“ oh yeah I remember, Um MTV V ma’s 2006 after party” I said looking at Eminem, he was staring at me in confusion obviously he didn't remember but I do recall he was drunk.
“ Sorry I don't remember a lot of those years” he said softly, I think he thought I was going to get offended but I understood that you can meet a lot of people in this industry and not remember them by the next week.
“ its ok, it was only like for a second. I was mainly talked to your friend Proof” I said bit after the words left my moth I realised that Proof had died, I felt bad because the room went silent when that name was mentioned.
“ shit, I heard what happened to him, I am sorry for your loss” I said softly, I could tell it hit Eminem a bit harder than the other guys but he thanked me and luckily the room got more comfortable again.

As fifty and the other guys started mucking around and doing little rap battles amongst each other, Marshall and I both sat quietly in the back watching them act like complete retards. There was silence but I wouldn't call it an awkward, I think we were both really nervous around each other.

“ so I love your new album” I said quietly as I turned slightly to face Marshall, who was nibbling on his nails. I remember Kane showing me his new album Relapse.
“ It's shit” he coldly said not even bothering to look over at me. “ but thanks anyway” he said as he turned and gave me a small smile, I think he knew that he sounded harsh before. I don’t know if it was me or if he just didn't want to be here.

“ well I know for a fact that my kids are really excited to know that Slim Shady is back” I said lightly hoping to ease the mood, I heard him chuckle next to me so I knew it was working.

“ how old are your kids” he asked turning towards me, this surprised me before it was one word answers now he was asking the questions. He must of seen the shock and surprise on my face.
“ sorry you don't have to answer that” he said quickly thinking he had offended me or that I was upset with what he asked.
“ No, no no it's just no one really ask me about my family, they love to know about the fame and what it is like being the famous Ashley Ann but no one really wants to know about just Ashley.” I said trying to explain it, I didn't want to to sound like I was complaining or I was one of the depressed people but it was true, no one ever wants to know about my personal life and just my normal life.
“ tell me about, I know exactly what your talking about. So people don't even know who Marshall is when my friends mention me in conversation, but it dull down a lot since having a break” he said while looking at me again with those piecing eyes. He looked a lot different since I last saw him, he has gotten rid of his blonde hair and dressed more casual these days instead of those bright tracksuits.

“ that sucks, but to answer your question my Oldest son Kane is 15 and youngest is 12, its good because they both started a new school in Michigan so no one knows that there mother is Ashley Ann” I answered smiling knowing my sons were having a good time back home, they have been there for nearly a year and they have met some really close friends. They still haven’t bought them home yet but that was just because they were still worried that their friends might react over the top.
“ you just moved to Michigan?” Marshall asked looking shocked at me, I know a lot of people hate that place but I didn't find it that bad.
“ yeah, Fifty actually told me about it. I needed a break from the LA lifestyle, where the Paparazzi hung outside your gate so I moved here to get some privacy while I have a break from the fame” I said softly, quickly glancing back to see Fifty and the guys still mucking around. I think they forgot Marshall and I were still in the room, we have been that quiet.

“ did he, I agree with you on the privacy thing. It is really good knowing your kids could have some type of normal life. They don't deserve to have their whole life mapped out just because their parents are famous” he said looking at me, “ I agree” I answered as I smiled back and not dropping eye contact I had with him. I
began to feel some connection with him , I don’t know if it was just because we could relate to each other, or we haven't met someone with the same family values. I don't know what it was but starring at him I wanted to know more information, I wanted to know what was going on inside that head of his

We Began to talk a little more and before we knew it we were getting more comfortable with each other. The boys were still mucking around and that left Marshall and I to have a good conversation and for once the conversation wasn't about fame or money or about Eminem and Ashley Ann. It was about us personally. I asked him a lot about Michigan and its history and Marshall seemed to know a lot, I got so caught up in listening to him explain Detroit because you have to remember I am from Australia so I don't know a lot about America history.
I asked him what there was to do here, if there was any activities that you could do. I am a big fan of food so I love trying new restaurants and Cafe's but Marshall said he usually just goes to the studio and spends time with his daughters because he felt he missed out on a lot of their childhood. Again I could relate to what he was saying, when you are famous it gets pretty annoying especially being a parent because everywhere you go your getting followed. Ever since my kids turned old enough I would try to keep them out of the spotlight, so they were able to make teenage mistakes without being judges by random. Being a teenager is hard enough so being a teenager in the spotlight can be hell and I will know because I grew up in the spotlight since a young age.

It was getting late by now and we were all getting really tired.
“ so what day do you go back to Michigan” Fifty asked as he started to clean up all those nits he threw before.
“Not tomorrow the next day, why” I asked him laughing as I watched him trying to get this peanut that had been squashed into the chair.
“ well I am having a poker night tomorrow night with these guys and some others. You should come, it will do you good to start hanging out with people again” Fifty commented, I didn't expect him to say the last bit because I didn't want anyone thinking I was a loser with no friends.
“ yeah you should come” Marshall added from the side of me, I turned to see that him and Paul were staring at me, I was unsure why he was keen for me to go, he probably thought I was boring after our little conversation
“ I Don't know, I haven't really played Poker before” I said hoping they wouldn't make me come, I don't know how I would feel if I was in a room where everyone would stare and chit Chat.
“ Don't Worry I will teach you” he said calmly, I think he could tell I was nervous about the whole situation.
“ yeah cause Marshall needs all the help he can get” Fifty added the joked after seeing Marshall looking concerned at me. I understood he was trying to calm down the mood again and make it more relaxed.
“ sure, sounds like fun” I said smiling but not realising what I was getting myself into. A whole room filled with guys who were going to be drinking a lot of alcohol and smoking weed.

We discussed the time and place before I decided to leave, I wanted to go home and call my sons to see how they were going. I hope they were having as much fun as I did today.

The next night I was like shaking as I walked up to the front door, I was nervous to be in a room of people I didn't really know except for Fifty. Thoughts and concern kept running through my head like will they judge me? will they like me? think I am stuck up? I don't know I just prefer to be back at my apartment reading a nice book with a nice glass of wine.

“ you made it” Fifty screamed as he answered the door, I am pretty sure he thought I was going to ditch it but I kept my word to him because I know he is only trying to help.
“ come on everyone is in here” he said gesturing me to follow him through the large hallways to we arrive at the lounge room, it defiantly wasn't what I was expecting, I thought I would walk into a room filled with smoke from their weed cigarettes, Alcohol bottles everywhere with empty bags of chips lying around the table, but surprisingly it was nice and neat.

“ Ashley you already met the guys but these are their wives Caroline, Charlotte and Penny” he said as he introduced the stunning women that were standing next to Mr porter, Paul and Royce. I politely said hello and smiled while shaking their hands, as they returned the look. They seemed really sweet and polite, I smiled think maybe night was going to pick up.

“ of course you remember Marshall” he said laughing as Marshall entered the room with a can of red-bull in his hands. He wore dark jeans with a white T-shirt and hoodie under a leather jacket with some major bling on his wrist and a grey beanie. I thought he looked really good, not that I have any feelings for him just that he really suited the whole leather jacket and hoodie.

“ nice to see you again” we both said as he came over and gave me a hug while kissing my cheek for a nice welcome. For some reason I felt my cheeks begin to blush but luckily no one saw it.

“ oh Ashley this is Damon and his girlfriend Cindy, he helps me manage a lot of my artist” he said as he pointed to this Dark man and a very stunning younger woman, who was just glaring at me.
“ I am a big fan” he said stepping forward to shake my hand, he seemed nice and a very polite man but his girlfriend on the other hand just stood there glaring at me.

“yeah, likewise” she commented as she stood back behind Damon, she didn't even shake my hand. He face just kept glaring at me and I thought I must of offended her In some way but this was the first time meeting her, so why does she sound so cold towards me.
Fifty and the others could sense the tension between us to and I focused on trying to figure what her problem was.

“ Just ignore her, she is just jealous” Marshall leant in and whispered softly in my ear, it sounded sweet but why did she have that attitude towards me.
“why” I asked looking at him in confusion, when the rest had gone into the other room he turned towards me still holding his Red Bull.

“lets just say Damon isn't the always faithful one and Cindy has caught him a lot with like Models and Dancers Etc. So towards new girls she is very cold towards them because she is just showing who belongs to who, she thinks girls in the industry jump into bed with anyone” he said looking softly at me before gesturing me to follow him into the other room. The majority of us went in pairs, the wives sat next to the blokes as they gambled a lot of money away. I didn't know anything about Poker so I sat next to Marshall as he taught me the rules and tricks, he was very patient because it took me ages to figure out what the hell this game was all about, but mostly the whole group mucked around and told stupid jokes about other people they knew.
Throughout the night Cindy continued to say some pretty mean and bitchy comments towards me, they were sneaky ones but I knew they were attended towards me. I don't know what her problems was but she defiantly had one. Marshall sensed when I was getting angry or upset from the comments because he could feel me tense up next to him or fidget with my fingers, so every time he saw that he managed to break the air and start a new conversation.

I really did enjoy the night, for once I kind of forgot about all the stress and let go, by the end of the night I didn't care what anyone thought about me. I felt comfortable something I hadn't experienced in a long time.

Marshall P.O.V

Tonight was actually alright, this was about the third time I had been and the guys were really nice and considerate to stop all the smoking weed, drinking and taking drugs. I know they liked to do that when they go together but they understood that I needed to stay away from the shit to get better.

I was still surprised when I found out that Ashley Ann was the one that Fifty was always hanging out in the studio, I didn't even know they would get a long, since they both came from different worlds and background. Even before I started I knew who she was, she always one of the child stars that seemed to get all the boys attention. Like I have nothing against her but to be honest before meeting her I thought she was going to be stuck up and snobby just like Brittany Spears and Lindsay Lohan who let the fame get to their head, but after meeting her I couldn't get over how down to earth she was.
I remember sitting next to her tonight and I could feel her tense up when that Cindy woman said things towards her but in general she was really shy and quiet. I don't know if it was just because she was surrounded by people she didn't know but It seemed she didn't have the confidence to speak up and defend herself.

I know Fifty could sense her being nervous and shy through out the night, like she was okay with me and she seemed fine to Fifty but when it came to the other wives she seemed different.
Fifty obviously sensed it because he thanked me for breaking the ice and being really nice to her. I asked him she was okay and he didn't get into much detail just that she is going through a hard time with her confidence and self image since the domestic Incidence couple of months ago. I remember it so clearly, I remember watching it on the news, my daughters were devastated to hear that she was hurt especially my youngest Whitney. she always looked up to her ut when she saw those photos of her after the bashing, I think it hit her that it can happen to anyone.

It does explain why she was so insecure and shy and bet you that those comments that Cindy said didn't help either.
I don't know why I am worrying so much about her anyone, I just met her and I am already starting to get comfortable with her and I can't let that happen, even though she understands a lot of things I believe in, she is still a woman and you can't trust women.
I don't care that she is famous, I have already learnt my lesson with Mariah Carey, she denied that she ever dated me, it hurt to hear her say that. I guess her career would have taken a bad turn if she didn't lie, like look at me I am not the most charming and Handsome man in the industry, I never smile or show any of my emotion, I rap about bashing my ex- wife and I am not ashamed to make fun of people in the industry. No wonder why she was ashamed to say she was with me, but that is why I am broken, no one has ever believed or genuinely cared about me. I know Kim did at the start but the money and fame got to her and she just kept putting me down all the time that it made my self esteem go down so low.
So I am not going to get close to Ashley because she might being going through a rough spot at the moment and hanging and with me might sound like a good idea but once she gets back on top she is going to ditch me for someone better and than deny ever knowing me because someone like Ashley isn't friends with someone like me.