I Love You More Than I Can Ever Scream

Ashley's P.O.V:
The cold seeped in to my very core, leaving me frozen inside. I loved Andy so much, but I was hurting too much to talk to him. I couldn't face it. The evening was setting in, and the temperature was dropping even further. I don't know how much more I can take of this; I need warmth, and soon. My whole body was covered in goose bumps and my sweater was providing very little protection from the bitterly cold wind. I longed to go and be held in Andy's arms, but he probably hates me now, and I don't blame him. I always over react, and now I've done it again.
My phone keeps buzzing, and I know Andy is trying to get hold of me, but I don't want to talk to him; I'll only get angry at him and I don't want to be, it would just be because I am angry at myself and I wouldn't know what to do. I can't risk hurting him again. I still can't forgive him completely, but that's because it is so raw to me, and I have never seen Andy so angry at me; it shocked me a lot. There was a crunching of footsteps coming towards me, and I prayed to god it would be Andy walking around the corner to hold me in a loving embrace. All hopes were soon shattered because instead of my devilishly gorgeous boyfriend walking around the corner, with love in his eyes and welcoming me with a loving and warm embrace; it was a local girl, dressed in shorts and tights, with a fitted coat.
"I recognise you from somewhere... you're... you're Ashley Purdy right? What are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be with your band?" A concern look flittered over her face, but it soon calmed,
"I needed to get some space," I say blankly,
"Oh, it must get tough living on a bus with people because you get no privacy. I'm probably one of the people who actually think you are amazing for coping with the tour because not only must you be missing loved ones like your girlfriends, or fiancés, but you also have to cope with the physical and emotion exhaustion..." for some reason I trust her because she seems like the only level-headed girl I have met ever since we formed. I normally get a lot of girls acting like sluts and that gets annoying after a while. I would much rather be able to sit down and talk to a girl without all the tension.
"Erm, well I don't miss my loved one when I am on tour, because I am lucky enough to have him with me,"
"Him? So... are you with someone in your band?"
"Err... can you promise not to tell anyone because we didn't want people knowing yet?" she nodded, and smiled gratefully to me, "Erm, well Andy and I are kind of an item. We have been since the start of this tour."
"Aw, well you two make a very good couple. So how come you're not with him now?"
"We kind of fell out this morning. I completely over reacted to something and I ran away to clear my head..." "I think you should return to him, I am sure you two can sort it out. Or at least you need to find shelter because you will freeze and then it will scare him,"
We sat together for a while, and she gave me her coat because I was absolutely freezing, it was warm inside because of its thick layer of fur. After she left, the snow finally stopped falling, although the temperature was still icy. My phone buzzed again, and my heart jumped up into my throat when I saw it was from Andy. I had over 30missed calls from Andy and a lot more texts than I had before. I swallowed, gathering strength to read the messages and preparing for a break-up.
'I'm getting back on the bus, I'm sorry I couldn't stay out looking for you. I seriously hope you are okay, and I am really sorry about earlier x' I couldn't have been more relived. I thought Andy hated me and was going to break up with me, but he wants me back with him and safe. I let out a soft tear, and I long to be back with him; I miss him so badly, and I'm so afraid.
I look through all of my messages from him and see that they are all basically saying the same thing: he loves me and wants me to be safe. I felt a wave of anger swell within me, but this time it was directed at me. How could I be so selfish as to upset Andy like that?! I wanted to scream, I had no right to hurt him, and yet I have gone and done the very thing. I wouldn't blame him if he hated me. I'm stupid, worthless, and selfish. All I manage to do is hurt him, and I know that even now I am hurting him when all I want to do is to allow him a day where he isn't dying inside because of me.
How could I do that to him?
I had to apologise, so I sent him a quick message 'I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you. I promise there will be no more... x' a tear rolled down my cheek, allowing the rest to fall freely from my tired eyes.
I didn't know where to go or what to do, but I found myself stalking the streets with no conscious aim or outcome. Night had long fallen, and I was completely lost. I couldn't know if I had walked along these streets before, in the day light, because everything had looked so different then. The only thing that remained fairly similar was the icy winds and snow... but even still, it felt a lot colder now. My body was growing numb to the cold and the pain it caused. But I was still aware of the effect it was having on my body. No longer was it possible for me to walk in a straight line, and my thoughts have become slowed.
How I would give my life to be in Andy's tender arms right now.
Excruciating pain soared through my body and mind with very step I take. My legs are weak like jelly, and my stomach keep threatening to up churn any contents that remain from breakfast. My body was a shivering wreck, and it was making it extremely difficult to do the simplest of tasks. It took me until the sun was rising to find a street I knew. Finally I knew what direction my mind had taken me; I was heading back to the bus. I didn't want to go back because I knew I would hurt Andy again, but my mind was too strong; somewhere deep inside my head I knew I had to sort everything out with Andy. But I just felt numb, as if I wasn't even myself anymore.
Another two hours of trudging painfully through the snow have going by, and the sun if completely up. The guys would be awake by now, I thought to myself. I knew it wouldn't be too long until I got back. My phone buzzes in my pocket, and it takes several minutes of frantic searching to finally get my phone away from my pocket. I had a message from Andy: 'What do you mean by that, honey? You haven't caused me any pain; I am the one who needs to be sorry. Please be okay... x' I couldn't reply because I could hardly move my fingers. Instead I just carried on trudging through the snow until I turned a corner and saw the bus. Finally, I was back.
Slowly, I made my way over to the bus, and opened the door.
"Ashley! You're back!" Screamed Papa Jinxx, pulling me into a hug, "Fuck, dude, you are bloody freezing, sit down." Jinxx guides me to the sofa, and then hurriedly makes up a cup of coffee.
"H-how's A-Andy?" I stutter, as my teeth chatter terribly.
"He's okay. We got him back, safely and got him to bed, now we just need to focus on sorting you out." Jake said soothingly. I nodded, thinking.
"I-I want to s-see him,"
"I know you do, Ashley. But we need to get you a drink and some food first. We're going to make sure you're okay."
"Is that coat the warm things you told us you got?" CC quizzed, raising an eyebrow. I nodded my reply, "That isn't very warm, man, I thought you meant you found somewhere to stay or you got loads of stuff, man," I shook my head, and he pulled me over into a comforting embrace, "It doesn't matter; we are just glad you are back. Andy has been so upset about it all; he thought he was going to lose you,"
Andy... I hurt Andy again.