Clean.

It was complete bullshit. Everything was fine when I left and now I'm in the doorway watching Viv shuffle around my room in her underwear with a bag on the floor and clothes all over the bed. So I just stand there looking stupid and waiting for some sort of reason why the fuck this is even happening. It doesn't even register to her that I'm here. I'm somewhere between anger and confusion when she finally looks up from beneath her hair and says, "Gonna say something?"

My hands relax and I take a breath. There was something about her not saying something that made me freak. She zips up the suitcase before moving to the smaller bag on the bed. "Yeah."

"Did you get smokes?"

"Yeah." What the fuck? I should have said 'is there any reason why you're leaving?' She's acting like everything is copacetic. What is she thinking? So it's gonna be like, 'Oh, how's the weather? Nice. Well, I'm leaving you. Sorry it just wasn't working out for me'.

"Well?.." She taps her bare foot on the ground and raises an eyebrow at me with a crooked smirk. "Can I have one?"

I nod real quick and shove my hands into my jacket-- pulling out the pack, ripping off the cellophane and pocketing it with the foil. I go to light it but the fucking thing just won't work, then my hands are shaking and I'm biting the filter and Viv is in front of me. She puts her hand over mine and steals the lighter, flicks and I don't even breathe in the smoke. Viv stares right into my eyes and I notice the wrinkle she makes between her brows when she's worried. "You okay?"

No, I'm not fucking fine. You're really gonna ask if I'm fine when I walk in on you packing? So I scratch the back of my neck and try to avoid her eyes like the plague because they're so blue that I wanna scream. Then she puts her hand on my forehead and the cigarette is gone from my mouth. "Jesse," she starts up again with a long exaggerated sigh.

"I'm alright."

"Jesse you're fucking freezing." She narrows her eyes at me and demands; "Go sit down." I let my arm fall back to my side when she begins to walk away. "If not, help me get this shit into the car." Now I'm standing there like a jackass again, just staring with my mouth open to say something and a finger itching to point at her. Viv tries to pick up the bag but can't and I walk over to help her before getting hit with reality again.

"Fuck that." She looks at me like she's gonna ask what I meant so I cut her off before she can. "I'm not helping you leave me." Viv says my name again and I raise my hand to stop her, "No, I'm fucking not, Viv. I want to know what I did."

"I'm not leaving you." She says it like I should know by now.

"So why the fuck are you packing? You'd think after everything we've been through-- after everything-- that you would at least tell the truth." I'm making fists to stop my hands from doing the same, glaring at her even as my heart descends to the floor for her to stomp on. She knows how fucking important she is. I guess she realized somewhere in a half hour I'm not good enough and it was getting too much for her.

"I have to go see my mom. I told you last week."

I take a breath and let my eyes close. I've never been so happy that I had bad memory. She steps forward and puts her hands over mine, "I'm not leaving." She repeats it over and over again until I let go of the fists I made and clung to her like I was holding on for my life. I don't realize that I'm sobbing into her shirt and holding her too tight until she starts hushing me like a child and rubbing my back. "Shh, I promise I won't."

"You know I--"

And I'm stuttering and fucking everything up but she just pulls my head down and makes me look at her. She tells me, "I know." I make some strangled noise when I can't even stop crying to reply. "You've been through a lot."

I just put my head on her shoulder because I'm wondering if she meant it or if she was just repeating my excuses back to me. I want to tell her something but I can't get past the word everything and she keeps brushing my hair and telling me she understands even though she doesn't. "You're all I got." It sounds like I'm screaming and my throat is dry. It sounds like I'm begging for my life.

She doesn't reply and I'm worried because shit always goes bad. I tell her I'm trying and I hold Viv as close as I can and she's gripping onto my jacket so hard that it almost pulls me down. She just looks to the ground next to us like there's something interesting there. "Hey," I'm still shaking but I force myself to keep it together a second more for her. Viv looks up finally and I wanna scream again because she's got a tear running down her face and looking at me like how could you think I would do that? "I'm sorry, baby." I wipe it away with my sleeve and try not to lose it but I just can't. "I'm so sorry."

I don't know why she cares about me. I'm fucking everything up all the time and she's trying to calm me down again because I'm rocking on my heels and holding her too tight. She's so tiny and I'm afraid I'll break her like everything else. She puts her hands on my face and says, "I won't let you do it." Her lips quiver and her eyes are a clearer shade of Blue Sky. I'm that close to falling and Viv is all I have. I'm terrified that the frayed string holding us together will snap.