Deducing Tragedy Part Three: Hear No Lullaby

"Do you know why it's called 'falling' in love?"

What a stupid question; of course I knew why. The idea, of mutual attraction so strong that falling in love was inevitable, was not a foreign concept to me. No matter how much I tried to pretend or lie to myself the truth was I'd fallen 'head over heels' in love with someone two too many times.

Pathetic, I thought; being a slave to how we feel and reacting as such. Emotions, love, it only caused pain in the end. No matter how well you get along, or how you could never cheat on the other, death is the unavoidable conclusion. How unevolved of us, to be left at the mercy of a chemical defect. Even Sherlock struggled to control his emotions at time, though he would deny it if asked. He liked to think himself above such human weakness. His pride, I thought, was probably one of the most human things about him.

Human… I remembered when I was human or some shadow of the like. It was nice, a simpler time in my life. Was I human now? No, I'd evolved past that- adapted as I had to in order to maintain some resemblance of sanity. Though, I sighed, it was fundamentally unfair that I was expected to do so. Why should I be the sane one, why must I be the good one? I suppose 'life is unfair' would be an adequate saying as it seemed to be the slogan of mine.

Unjust, unfair, I scoffed at the thought; ridicules nonsense a child or idealist adult spouts to make others feel bad about their more fortunate circumstances. I'm not so foolish as to believe in 'fair', not any more. My life taught me the lesson over and over and then it taught me again just to prove a point.

How foolish I was, how naïve, to have believed in some form of universal balance; karma if you will. It was my belief that there was a cosmic power keeping things in check. With so much going wrong in the world, much less my personal tragedies, I still believed in fairy tales.

Foolish, I cursed myself again, to leave my happiness up to some invisible force rather than take it into my capable hands. And now I could do nothing. Eva had taken it before I had the chance and god did I hate her for it. Forget the rest of the pain she put forth in the world, I didn't have the capacity to hate her for that. She took something precious from me and I could blame no one but myself.

He would blame you too, the back of my mind whispered and I closed my eyes. That's why you can never tell anyone. It would only cause more pain to ripple through the lives of those around me. And for him, oh for him, it would be the final straw. After all, what I lost for myself I lost for him as well. I couldn't do that to him, not again. I've hurt him so much; why he kept coming back I couldn't fathom a guess. All that pain I caused, how could he still love me?

"Ciri," the woman across from me tapped her pen on her paper.

"Yeah?"

"You've not answered my question," she smiled kindly, "Do you know why it's called 'falling' in love?"

"For the hope that the one you love will be there to catch you," I whispered, "That they will save you from harm."

"But how can they do that if they are falling as well?" she asked, "Who's there to catch them?"

I gave her an empty shrug, not willing to play her mind games today.

"So we have two people falling," She cocked her head to the side, "with no one to catch them and the ground fast approaching. Yet, they both fall anyway, doing nothing to stop themselves, why?"

"The naïve hope that they will never reach the ground," I sneered, my eyes cast down at my lap where my hands were fidgeting.

"No."

"No?"

She smiled, "Everyone knows that they will hit the ground at some point. It is the inescapable end of our fall. In the end, there will always be pain."

"Then why do we fall?" I asked, my voice as lifeless as I felt.

"Because it is the most human thing we can do. Despite the hurt and sorrow we fall WITH this person because we know it will hurt that much less when the end comes."

"Using them to break our own fall," I muttered, "You're right, how very human."

She gave me a small smile, "Not quite what I meant."

"That's the essence of it," I toyed with a loose string on the hem of my shirt. "There is only one way to lessen the pain of the fall: to deflect it onto someone else."

"Who did you deflect it to?"

"What?"

"Come now, Ciri," she raised an eyebrow, "You speak only sourly and wont look me in the eyes. You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure that one out."

I gave her a short laugh, "I guess not."

"Why did you hurt?"

"Everyone."

"Who specifically?"

I turned my head.

"Ciri-"

"Stop calling me that," I snapped.

She frowned, "It's your name."

"No it's not." I raised my eyes to meet hers', "My name is Hanna."

"That's your sister's name-"

"My sister's name is Emily," I said holding her gaze, "otherwise known as Ciri. We switched places before I was arrested. I am Hanna Hooper and I am in prison pretending to be my murderous sister. Ciri is at Baker Street pretending to be me."

She looked shocked, confused, and just a little bit terrified.

"No one but my mother knows the truth," I sighed, my eyes returning to the string on my shirt. "Well, Sherlock does, on some level. That's why he keeps coming to visit me here and is so cold to my sister. Part of him realizes that we are not who we say we are and he is reaching out to me.

She remained quiet, "I want to tell him the truth but that would cost us both something very dear. So I must try to keep him at arm's length and my sister must try to get close to him. It's not working, I'm hurting him again.

"I've hurt him so much," I whispered, wrapping the thread around my forefinger. "He breaks my fall again and again yet I always fail to do the same for him. I like to think I love him, it feels like I love him but how can this be love when we suffer so much?"

"I-I," she stammered, blinking twice as she struggled to regain her composure. "I don't know."

"All I've ever wanted was to make those I care about happy," I spoke softly as I pulled the thread tight, cutting off the blood flow. "Why can't I do that?"

"You've tried your best with what you've been given," she said, still looking at me like I was an alien. "You're life has been an unfortunate one-"

"It's been one tragedy after another," I cut her off as the string snapped. "A series of unfortunate events all orchestrated by the woman who gave birth to me."

"That can't be true," she frowned. "You're mother-"

"Will use anyone and anything she sees fit to accomplish her goal," I sighed heavily, "and she will weed out all the problems." My gaze mover to her left hand, "that's a pretty ring."

"Ah," she looked down, "thank you."

"When's the wedding?"

"We- haven't set a date yet," she said slowly, "We were thinking sometime in October."

"An autumn wedding," I gave her a small smile, "how beautiful."

"I thought so."

"I hope you'll forgive me for saying this but I have to," I lunged across the table, the chains around my wrists holding me only inches from her face, "If you want you and your fiancé to make it to the altar then tell no one what I have said here."

"Wha-what?!" her eyes were wide and filled with fear as I cocked my head to the side.

"Jenna is such a pretty girl," I whispered, "it would be a shame if something happened to her in at the restaurant where she works. Cooking can be so dangerous."

"How-"

"Shhh," I silenced her with a look, "I'm sure nothing will happen, just like I'm sure you won't say anything about what you learned today. I warned you, Mother won't tolerate any problems."

"Then why tell me anything," She demanded as I settled back into my chair, "you could have gone on forever and rot in here without saying anything to me."

"You're my court appointed therapist and you're good at your job," I said. "You would have figured it out eventually. Precautions had to be taken."

"Jenna is not a precaution," she growled.

"The moment you entered my world anything and everyone you hold dear was put up for grabs," I held her angry gaze, "It was your misfortune to be assigned to my case and for that I am so sorry. But as I said, Mother will afford no problems."

"Then how long will this last?" She hissed, "How long must her life hang in the balance?"

I cocked my head to the side, "Until one of you is dead."

"You can't be serious!"

"I am only ever serious," I sighed, turning my gaze to the window. "I am truly sorry, Doctor. I never wished this on anyone but Mother has something precious to me. I cannot risk it."

"What is it?" she demanded, "What is so damn important to you that you will sacrifice everyone you meet to protect it?"

"You wouldn't understand," I whispered to her just as I had whispered to Sherlock only a few hours ago.

"Tell me."

"The beloved sleeps no more."

"What?"

"The beloved sleeps no more!"

"Hanna?"

"THE BELOVED SLEEPS NO MORE!"