Stay Right Where You Are.

*Alan's P.O.V*

Eating was supposed to be easy. Just a simple, everyday task that all living things had to do to stay alive. So why was it so difficult for me?

It was only around about five o'clock, so the usual American dinner time, and here we were. All of us were simply sitting at the dinner table, interacting like any other family. 'Us' being Justin, Tino, Shayley, Austin and myself. They had all dove in right away, like a pack of fucking wolves.

It really wasn't fair. All of them were just naturally skinny, and if I even had one bite I resembled a goddamn cow.

"Moo." I sighed quietly, staring at the stir-fry Justin and Tino made.

It looked really good, and for a second I thought that maybe just a it wouldn't hurt. But only for a single second. Then I was back to my old ways again.

"What was that?" Tino asks, from my right, looking at me with concern.

"Just clearing my throat." I reply softly, picking up my fork in shaky fingers.

Christ, why was I shaking? You'd think I was having a small seizure if you didn't know me well enough.

'You're so fucking pathetic, Alan. Look at yourself. Can't even fake happy for the sake of your friends. Not like they care anyway. Watch them, talking and giggling. They don't care. They don't need you. You're just the fat friend that they walk around with to make themselves look better. I'm right, aren't I? Mistakes happen, Alan. You just happen to be one of the biggest fucking disgraces I have ever-'

It's Austin's worried voice that rings through my ears, breaking me from these unpleasant thoughts and I look up, to find him practically gawking.

"What?" I say in a hushed tone, not really wanting the other guys to listen in.

"Everyone else is done, Alan."

I take a deep breath, and stab a carrot with my fork. "Really?"

He nods slowly, biting his lip as he watches me, very closely. "Eat." He commands, and I bring the fork up to my mouth, shoving the carrot into it practically mercilessly.

Just let it end...Really. What did I do to feel this way? Why couldn't I just eat? Why weren't meals just meals, instead of numbers to me? I really did want to eat carelessly, but it wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

Chewing slowly, I swallowed, staring at Austin, expecting him to throw up. It was repulsive to watch me eat, I knew that. It was like watching a fucking pig eat. Everyone knows the pig is fat, yet the farmer keeps feeding it and feeding it, only allowing it to get larger. Everyone thinks the pig is fucking disgusting, but they won't stop him from shoving food down his throat.

I was the pig, and they really needed to stop feeding me, or soon enough I would win a blue ribbon in a contest I wasn't even entered in.

Soon enough, half of the bowl was gone and I felt as though I might explode. I almost chuckled at the thought, imagining Justin having to scrape his best friend's remains off the wall. Okay, so maybe I was a little twisted. But just a bit, though.

"Proud of you." Austin says, pulling my chair out so I can stand up, as I marvel at his strength.

"Wow." I murmur quietly, directing my eyes to the carpet as I stand on two feet.

"What?" He chuckles, gently leaning over and wrapping those gorgeously toned arms around me, sending me into an immediate state of bliss.

"You're strong." I say, looking up and planting a gentle kiss on his jaw, just like I had done multiple times before.

He crooks an eyebrow, staring at me funny. "Not really. See, you're a twig, sweetheart."

"I wish." I reply thoughtlessly, my voice taking a dreamy tone as I pull myself out of the older boy's grasp, developing what I just said in my head.

"Alan," He begins, his voice taking a stern tone, one I particularly didn't like to hear.

But, before he can say anything else, I catch Justin sneaking out onto the balcony. Now would be the perfect time to apologize, I guess.

"Hey," I interrupt Austin, and he stops talking, staring down at me. "I'm uh, gonna go apologize to Justin, okay?"

He nods, giving me one final kiss on my forehead. "Good choice."

I smile once more, not really wanting to leave him. I just wanted to drag him back into my room and cuddle up and whisper sweet things to each other all night. Or until he fell asleep, so I could watch him. Admiring the small smile that always played at the corner of his lips, or the way he would restlessly bat his eyelashes while he was dreaming.

Shit, I really had to be careful. If I kept these thoughts up, I'd never go and apologize to the older ginger.

Pulling the sliding glass door open as quietly as I can, I walk out to find Justin in a lounge chair tapping away on his phone, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

Are you fucking kidding me? I just couldn't help myself.

"You little shit." I laugh, sitting down across from him, as he rolls his eyes. "So you can, but I can't?"

"I'm older." He says simply, obviously a pretty lame excuse.

So I decide that I'd better take it upon myself to continue calling him out until I hear his dumb little giggle a few times.

I sigh, exaggerating it as much as possible, knowing how annoyed he gets. "By two years."

"Yeah, yeah." He grunts, setting his black IPhone down on the coffee table. "I'm just a bit overprotective."

I raise my eyebrows skeptically. "Why? I'm your best friend, not your son, Jus."

"I know," He says, a light pink-ish blush creeping onto his cheeks as picks up his sunglasses and places them evenly on the bridge of his nose. "I just...nevermind."

Taking a deep breath, I hold my hand out. I'll be dammed if I'm not getting a cigarette from this shitbag after he got on my case after smoking ONE fucking cigarette in our house. The bastard tackled me to the ground, for fuck sake.

He sighs, pulling the sleek red pack out of his front pocket and handing me one, rather regretfully to be honest.

I scoff, taking it from him, and wiggling my fingers once more.

"Jesus fuck, what?" He asks, pushing his sunglasses further up his nose, clearly annoyed.

"Lighter." I say flatly, raising my eyebrows once more as he chuckles, tossing a navy blue lighter into my lap.

"Right, right." He mumbles to himself, settling back down into his chair. "So, uh, what did you need?"

I clear my throat a bit, pressing the cigarette to my lips after quickly and easily lighting it.

His aren't as strong as mine, but hell. It was a free cigarette, like I was gonna pass up on the offer to get one, especially one from my best friend who had fucking preached to everyone about how bad they were for you. I had just automatically assumed the cigarette butts that littered the porch were from Tino, or even Shay. But never Justin. He had always been a bit of a goody two-shoes.

"I came to apologize, and you better pay attention, 'cause here it is." I say, taking a quick drag of my cigarette before continuing. "Justin, I am sorry for being a douche bag and defying the one rule you set for me."

"Apology accepted, baby." He laughs, calling me pet names like we used to do, when we were shipped together.

"You remember those days?" I giggle, remembering the years of high school when Justin and I were so close, people thought I was fucking him behind Austin's back. Troshby, they had called it.

"God yes, how could I ever forget?" He smiles warmly, something I hadn't seen in a long time, and was genuinely starting to miss.

I really loved Justin. Not in the way I loved Austin, obviously. But what Justin and I had was different from any friendship anyone could ever happen with another person. We were in love with each other, just not in the way a couple loves one another. With the other ginger and I, it was a very loving bond, him and I were the other halves of each other. Even if we were entirely different, our opposites combined.

He was the sun, I was the moon. He was light, I was dark. We leveled each other out, and when I hadn't talked to him in these awful past two years, I wondered if it had destroyed him the way it had with me. The moral of the story is that I would never, ever find another friend like Justin Trotta.

"Ready to go in?" I ask, pressing my cigarette butt onto the ashtray and standing up, hoping Austin won't kiss me before I can grab something to drink.

"Yeah, man." Justin stands too, picking up his phone and leads me into the house.

"Baby!" Austin says happily, rushing over and enveloping me in his arms, something I had to start getting used to.

"Hey, sweetie." I say, looking at our feet, both clad in black socks.

I really didn't want him to notice my cigarette breath. He hated me doing it just as much as Justin did, and he WOULD put a stop to it. He wouldn't only try, he'd succeed and it would be wiped out of my life for good.

"Hey, Alan?" Justin asks, an urgent look in his eyes. " Can I show you this awesome song real quick?"

I nod quickly, trying not to let out a breath of relief as he pulls me from Austin and into the bathroom before he sees us.

"Brush your teeth." Justin says simply, handing me the toothpaste as I wet my toothbrush.

"You're a life saver. He would have flipped a shit." I sigh out, pushing the brush onto my teeth and moving it into little circles.

"Don't forget cologne too," He says, reaching into a cabinet and pulling out a small glass bottle filled with blue liquid. "You smell like fucking tobacco."

"No shit." I gargle through the toothpaste gunk, spitting it into the sink as Justin sprays me with amazing-smelling cologne.

After rinsing once more with water, Justin smacks my ass, hard. That was sure to leave a fucking mark.

"Go get 'em tiger." He says gently, pulling the door open for me as I run back to Austin.

Leaning down, he presses a light kiss onto my lips, and I easily fall right into it, and to my dismay, he pulls away.

"Wanna watch a movie?"

"Yes!" I say happily, as the fat thoughts begin to continue.

He lifts me up, ignoring my pleas of him not to, and carries me back into my room, bridal style.

Setting me gently on the bed, he stands up again, walking over to the DVD rack. "Which one, beautiful?"

I feel a blush come on as I look shyly down at my feet. "Anything Tim Burton," I say quietly, before standing up once more. " I have to piss first."

"Of course you do," He chuckles softly, his gorgeously dark eyes scanning quickly over the movies on the little rack. "Don't be too long, babe."

"I won't be." I say, smiling as I pass through the door-frame of my bedroom and find my way down the hallway as I quickly swerve into the bathroom, not wanting to be seen by anyone.

The faint smell of Justin's cologne still lingers in the room as I drop down on all fours to proceed with my dirty deed, my heart racing as I pulled the lid open, desperate to rid myself of the wretched food.

'That's it, Alan. Come on, now...' My thoughts urge eagerly in my head as I stared down at my three shaking fingers.

Was this really a good idea? I mean, maybe you did need to gain a little so the suspicion dropped a bit. I didn't give a shit if Austin knew I didn't like to eat, but I had to keep the bulimia a secret, even if it meant eating huge portions, I could just vomit them up. Bulimia really was the perfect disorder. No one would ever find out. I'd made sure of it.

Once again sticking the digits down my throat, I felt vomit rising and I quickly yanked them out, throw-up spilling from my mouth not too long after, causing a sort of numb sting to plague the back of my throat. It was something I had gotten used to, so I didn't necessarily mind, although it was never exactly a...pleasant feeling.

After repeating action twice more, I still feel fat and disgusting.

'Whale.'

"I know." I mumble quietly, standing up and flushing the toilet, watching the sick brown-looking substance disappear down and into the pipes.

After that, there's a gentle knock at the door, causing me to go into a state of horrified panic.

"Just a sec." I call out, as I hurriedly reach into my pocket, digging around until I find my pack of gum.

I pop two pieces into my mouth as I turn on the sink and quickly wash my hands. I didn't even dry them, not wanting to raise any suspicion that I was in here too long to be just going to pee.

"Hey." I say calmly, pulling the door open to find only Justin standing before me.

"How ya feeling, bro?" He asks, his facial features etched in concern.

A concern for me. That never failed to amaze me. Why did people give a shit? Everyone dies, some people just go before others. Who cared if I went a little early? Okay, so maybe a few people did...

"Um, I'm fine, Jus." I say, keeping my cool even though on the inside I knew that I was fucked.

I hate myself.

"I heard you barfing, dude."

Ah, Justin. As eloquent and subtle as always. My best friend was an amazing charmer. Note the fucking sarcasm.

"Yeah, Mm-hmm. K." He scoffs, pulling me out of the bathroom. "Why were you saying those things then?"

"Wh-what things?" I stutter out, obviously not helping the situation.

"Alan, you're bulimic, aren't you?" He asks, his eyes widening at his sudden realization, making me feel like complete shit.

"Please, don't tell!" I squeak, not purposely of course. "I'll do anything!"

I'm fucking shaking with fear, if anyone else found out they'd practically shove even more food into me, and I simply couldn't allow that to happen. Ever.

A smirk spreads across his face as he begins to think of different things he could possibly do with me, knowing I'd comply to anything. This was a life or death secret to me, and he knew that all too well.

"Anything?"

"Y-yes."